should DH miss his hobby to come to my sister's birthday?

[WayHarshTai]

We're having a familly BBQ tonight for my sister's birthday, getting there about 5 and we will aim to eat at around 6pm.

I mentioned it to DH yesterday (it's all very casual and was only arranged that day), and he said he couldn't go as he has his martial arts class at 7.30.

I asked why he couldn't just go to that afterwards and he (rightly) pointed out that we are a nightmare for running late, it would be a rush and last time we went to my mum's for dinner her was late for his class.

So he said I should take the kids and he'd stay at home, have his tea and then go to his class.

I pointed out that I'd feel a right twat when everyone asks where he is at 5pm and I say he's at home (two mins walk away) because he has a class at 7.30pm.

We have reached a compromise that he'll come and do the happy birthday bit but won't eat with everyone, which is fine, but I'm a bit grr.

He usually goes to this class twice a week, but hasn't been for three weeks as we've been on holiday and he had his wisdom teeth out. So he really really wants to go to both classes this week.

I can't work out who's unreasonable, I obviously don't prioritse stuff the same way he does. If it was just dinner at my mum's I woudln't care, but family birthdays are a bit sacred.

So come, on, bring it on. AIBU?

It sounds positively stifling and a bit toxic.

Well then it sounds like your family is the problem, not your DH. I'd be delighted if I sprung a last minute celebration on people and my BIL made the effort to come along for an hour before going to his pre-arranged weekly hobby.

Defend your husband. Hes done nothing wrong here. Your family is hard work and don't tell him what your family says about him. It will make him like them less and want to spend less time with them.

Um, DH loves my family and vice versa. It's not about that. I was just trying to give abit of context as to why he doens't want to eat and run.

They aren't remotely toxic, by the way.

And I have already said that we have a compromise and it's fine, I was just trying to guage whether wanting him to come in the first place was unreasonable.

Making comments about people not helping with the washing up isn't nice though.
If I invite people to dinner then it's our job to sort out preparing and cooking the meal and washing up. Other people may offer to help but I wouldn't make nasty remarks about people who didn't or who had to get away early due to kids/ other committments.
Different if other people have come to stay with us for a few days, then I do expect them to help and will ask them to do so.

Sorry but this expected attendance at sibling birthdays regardless of what alternative arrangements others might want to make and the snide remarks sound toxic to me.

In your situation I'd be encourading my husband's hobby, developing some interests and activities of my own and arranging some family trips and events making myself less available.

I meant of course activities for your immediate family only.

I think in light of the fact that he's missed his class for three weeks plus he has agreed to come for some of the BBQ, he is being reasonable.

It isn't as though he has said that he just doesn't want to come so will therefore stay at home by himself, which wouldn't have been acceptable IMO.

Sounds like he would find it hard to leave... and it can be hard to not know if you're going to be fed or not before going into to a tough sports session... When I did martial arts I really needed to know I was going to get food and in time for it to be digested before the class or else I'd end up all shakey and weak or puking :)

Going along to say happy birthday and then leaving seems sensible to me. Particularly as it was a casual invitation only issued yesterday.

I don't think its toxic but its also not very nice. You might be used to it and probably participate but its not a nice thing to do.

My family has family birthday celebrations like yours with no gifts for adults. Sometimes they are organized spur of the moment and others planned in advance. Whoever can come we are grateful no snidey remarks. We understand people have things that either come up or planned events.

OK.
I have obviously overplayed the snidey remarks.

It used to be a big family oh-so-hilarious joke that I am a lazy arse and don't help out. It's blatantly not true but it stems from a few occasions when I have failed to help enough at Christmas/Easter whatever when I was younger.

I have actually had a big blowout at my mum and middle sister about their 'funny' digs about this, pointing out that is is unfair and also not funny. Between them they used to totally take over at big celebrations, refuse all offers of help and then martyr themselves about doing it all alone .

So for a few years now it hasn't happened, but DH is obviously mindful of how much it rankled with me when it used to happen so avoids any chance of it happening in the future. This means that wherever possible we arrive early and help and leave last after making sure everything is done. So he doens't want to attend a meal that he will have to skip out early from.

As far as I'm concerned it is overkill, but this is how DH works. He will also never EVER drink in front of my parents after hearing them say one negative remark about BIL having a beer too many at dinner once.

I am aware I am being a bit defensive about this but it's not very nice to be told your family dynamic is toxic when it's not.

DH's family are precious about every birthday. There's a whole minefield of neurosis to tiptoe around every occasion too... I can't be arsed maybe your DH feels the same!