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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should DH miss his hobby to come to my sister's birthday?

62 replies

WayHarshTai · 21/08/2013 10:22

We're having a familly BBQ tonight for my sister's birthday, getting there about 5 and we will aim to eat at around 6pm.

I mentioned it to DH yesterday (it's all very casual and was only arranged that day), and he said he couldn't go as he has his martial arts class at 7.30.

I asked why he couldn't just go to that afterwards and he (rightly) pointed out that we are a nightmare for running late, it would be a rush and last time we went to my mum's for dinner her was late for his class.

So he said I should take the kids and he'd stay at home, have his tea and then go to his class.

I pointed out that I'd feel a right twat when everyone asks where he is at 5pm and I say he's at home (two mins walk away) because he has a class at 7.30pm.

We have reached a compromise that he'll come and do the happy birthday bit but won't eat with everyone, which is fine, but I'm a bit grr.

He usually goes to this class twice a week, but hasn't been for three weeks as we've been on holiday and he had his wisdom teeth out. So he really really wants to go to both classes this week.

I can't work out who's unreasonable, I obviously don't prioritse stuff the same way he does. If it was just dinner at my mum's I woudln't care, but family birthdays are a bit sacred.

So come, on, bring it on. AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/08/2013 10:41

His compromise is more than reasonable.

I can't see what your issue is at all
YABU.

hettienne · 21/08/2013 10:42

The compromise of him coming to do Happy Birthday and then going to his class sounds very reasonable to me.

StuntGirl · 21/08/2013 10:43

As a general rule I'd say family events come before hobbies, but as this was so casual and last minute then I don't think he can be strong armed into it.

Although being 2 minutes away...seriously, he can't go to the bbq and leave in time for his class?

curlew · 21/08/2013 10:43

"If he has agreed to pop in to say happy birthday AND has allowed you to stay there with the kids rather than expecting you to leave then that is a compromise and sounds fair to me!"

Did somebody actually post this seriously??????????wow. just......wow.

Original poster
WayHarshTai · 21/08/2013 10:44

It was a very reasonable compromise. I thought of it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 10:44

Glad to hear it then, OP. And glad to see that you are accepting of the replies that you are BU.

livinginwonderland · 21/08/2013 10:45

YABU.

Original poster
WayHarshTai · 21/08/2013 10:47

I do get why he doens't want to stay to eat, 6pm dinner is more likely to be 6.30, and then he'd have to eat, come home, get changed (he wont' eat in his gear) and then get there.

It also means he'd leave without helping to clear up, which he hates because my family can be dreadful martyrs about the washing up and it's the kind of thing that gets Mentioned .

I just struggle sometimes with how fixed he is about things, because I am the opposite. It could be worse. His brother won't arrange anything for Saturday mornings because that's the day he does his food shopping.

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/08/2013 10:48

which is fine, but I'm a bit grr Hmm Obviously it isn't fine to you. He can pop along and return in time for his class , you and dc stay and come home when ready . Maybe he wants to eat early so he isn't at his class on a full stomach. Sorry , don't get the issue tbh.

LessMissAbs · 21/08/2013 10:50

I obviously don't prioritse stuff the same way he does

YABU. Not everyone's social circle revolves round the family. It sounds as though he has a wide one and good outside interests. And its not his sister. Is she an adult? Does she really need all her relatives at her birthday party?

I'm into active sports and DH's family are the least active people on earth. Sitting around doing nothing for hours on end is ok once in a while but not when I've got other things to do. DH feels the same! They stretch out a BBQ for hours because that's the sum of their socialising and most exciting thing they ever do. Not everyone feels the same.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 10:51

Yeah, some people stick to routines and others don't

I err towards the regimented myself, tbqh

But then I was brought up by a mother who did fish on monday, shepherds pie on tues, spag bol on weds, chops on thurs, chippy tea on fri, curry on sat and roast on sun

never a variation, whatever the circumstances

tea on the table at 5pm whether anyone was actually there or not

I don't like having things "landed" on me either Smile

LessMissAbs · 21/08/2013 10:52

Oh, and you really wouldn't want to eat before a martial arts class ... unless you wanted to risk the food making a sudden reappearance at said class...

scallopsrgreat · 21/08/2013 10:59

My thoughts on this is that you are more worried about what your family will think of him and his perceived absense. Maybe the problem isn't with your DH (who I also think is being reasonable) but with your family and their expectations. Martyrs about washing up? It'll get mentioned that he hasn't done the washing up even though he won't have eaten Confused That all seems a bit OTT to me. But there again I come from a family who believes washing up is the devils work and only to be done under the greatest duress.

ilovesooty · 21/08/2013 11:00

I also reckon he wouldn't want to exercise on a full stomach.
And it's a healthy hobby not a piss up and as AF said he probably wants to build up his fitness.
Have you considered getting a hobby yourself?

freemanbatch · 21/08/2013 11:04

I'm glad you found a compromise that works because its always best to do stuff that way but personally I think you were unreasonable to organise something on a day your DH had something else on without checking with him first.

Its not really about what the event is, birthday verses hobbie, its that one of you had plans and the other arranged something else.

We all do it from time to time but not many people are successful in finding a good compromise so I'm kind of impressed Smile

Original poster
WayHarshTai · 21/08/2013 11:06

No, I mean if he did eat and run it woudl be (possibly) mentioned in a snidey way at a later point.

I am BU about it, that's fine, we've already reached a compromise so I shall shut my cakehole about it and wave him off with a cheery smile.

WRT to the birthday 'party', it's just what we do, there are four grown up DC ranging from 20 to 33 plus our parents and we all live within a 1/4 mile radius. So birthdays are always marked with a meal at Mum and Dad's.

We may be nutso but it's what we do.

DH's family don't do birthdays the same way, they do a phonecall on the day and hand out birthday lists for things they need like tea towels and no one goes off list or deviates from the routine. Love 'em.

I think they're bonkers, they think we are. It works and we all compromise.

OP posts:
Original poster
WayHarshTai · 21/08/2013 11:07

I didn;t organise it, by the way, and her brthday falls on the same day every year so it's not entirely unexpected that we would be going to mum's.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 21/08/2013 11:24

I think his compromise sounds sensible and agree that fitness is easily lost. He had a prior arrangement that night. If you arrange an extended family meal at the last minute then you accept some people won't be there because they have other committments. Eating just before an exercise class isn't a good idea.
Family doesn't necessarily win over hobbies for me, it depends on what the family event and hobby occasion is. This is your family rather than his anyway and is just a last minute get together.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 21/08/2013 11:34

I don't think he is being unreasonable. If he has a history of putting his hobby in front of his immediate family, or backing out of occasions at short notice, then that is different.

In his case I'd be slightly meh that every birthday of the ILs family had to be celebrated with them each year.

Let him go to his hobby with good grace.

LIZS · 21/08/2013 11:36

I wouldn't be able to remember precise dates of il's bdays enough to plan that far ahead.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 11:37

I don't remember my spouse's siblings birthdays. Ever.

ilovesooty · 21/08/2013 11:44

Does that mean you're not supposed to make any other arrangements on any sibling birthday?

2rebecca · 21/08/2013 11:51

I have no idea when my husband's families birthdays are either, remembering them is his job. If he expects me to go to his family's for a meal I wouldn't want it sprung on me at the last minute, I'd want discussion and at least a week's notice.
We both have hobbies though, it sounds as though you don't have any so don't appreciate the importance of his.

scallopsrgreat · 21/08/2013 11:54

"No, I mean if he did eat and run it woudl be (possibly) mentioned in a snidey way at a later point." Really? Blimey! If he always dodged clearing up etc then yes maybe I could imagine comments being made but for a one off, prior arrangement sounds a bit harsh!

Original poster
WayHarshTai · 21/08/2013 11:55

Yeah, my family can be Hard Work in that respect. To be fair, they have never made any coment like that to DH but they have about me, plenty of times, and it bothers DH.

OP posts:
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