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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think having this baby can work

66 replies

evalluna · 21/08/2013 06:04

Hi, I already posted in larger families but didn't get many replies though the ones I got were helpful. So I have decided to post here as I know this board is busier.
I am having a terrible dilemma having just found out I am pregnant with my third (unplanned) child. We have two dcs aged 2 and 4. My partner in particular has found having young children hard and we nearly split up after the secondt. He is an academic, very driven and career focused and I know he feels the chaos of young children, lack of sleep and time has held him back, which it probably has. I also work part time but am more established in my career and I do the bulk of the childcare ( he works long days and always does some at weekends though I know even then he feels it is not enough). That said he is a very loving and good father to our dcs.
When I first found I was pregnant he was adamant it couldn't go ahead and I agreed and booked an appointment to talk about termination. Howewver sybswquently he has said he feels uncomfortable about making this decision having looked up stages of foetal development. He has said it is up to me to decide and he will support my decision. I personally have never been in favour of abortion except in extreme circumstances and really do not know if I cam physically go through with it. However I am worried another child will be a disaster financially and in terms if our relationship. I have worked out the short term finances and could just about afford childcare (an extra 600 a month so a lot) but then I worry about the longer term effects on other dc, paying for 3 at university (our income at moment is 80000 so not poor but by no means rich either). I made a list if pros and cons, the cons far outweighing the pros but when I showed it to my partner he was really upset and said it was meaningless to weigh all this up against a life. I have read the baby is the size of a lentil (5 weeks) but uncomfortably it seems like a life to me too and I feel vert squeamish about getting rid of it.
If you have managed to read all this thanks. I would love to hear from anyone especially anyone who can relate to any aspect of this.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2013 09:27

You can't have a nanny, but can you afford other help? You won't need a nursery for the first few months while you're on maternity anyway, so can you get a cleaner? That would ease the burden on you.
Then would a childminder for 3 be a better option than a nursery? And surely, not all nannies have to live in?

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/08/2013 09:27

Not an academic but a manager in HE. The future is probably shaky and I am certain there will be uni mergers moving forward. However HE is pretty flexible re working hours, etc, and I don't know many academics who are doing 24 hour stints. Would quite like to know what some actually do on research days, when not teaching, etc possibly covering childcare whilst their dps work whilst pulling down a full-time salary. Hmm

Sanctimummy · 21/08/2013 09:37

Don't go ahead with an abortion if you have any doubts about doing so whatsoever.

You will manage. Regret can be a burden of enormous proportions. Which regret would you rather have?

Having an abortion, or having a baby that disrupted your life because it wasn't quite to plan?

Original poster

evalluna · 21/08/2013 10:52

Sanctimummy - the regret thing is what I am mainly worried about. It seems like too momentous a decision to make and, like many I am sure, I have no idea how I would feel/ cope afterwards.
I know I would never regret a child once it was born, although I may regrer the situationn if that makes sense.
Yes I definitely do not want 4 and if go ahead will be looking into permanent contraception!

OP posts:

TheBleedinObvious · 21/08/2013 11:45

Perhaps the shift from one child to two was what made it difficult last time?

If you are learning towards non-termination perhaps you could come up with a plan that pinpoints all the previous difficulties and try and put in place things to prevent the same problems occurring.

Your 4 year old will be in full time reception, yes? That will remove some of the pressure from your day, one less child at home during the school day. And no childcare fees (excluiding after school care if that is necessary).

Is there a possibility of keeping the 2 year old in nursery while you are on leave, to ease your burden? This will allow you to nap etc during the day.

Do you have the space for an au pair perhaps to help with childcare, chores, or just a mothers help? Maybe advertise for a regular babysitter/mothers help, perhaps a childcare/ teaching student?

Do you have a regular date night now that you can keep going?

Do you both have equal child-free leisure time? Do you have the chance to have a weekend away alone?

Other timesaving strategies. Cleaner? Shopping delivered?

Maybe you can look at the fact that at least this time you are aware of the pressures that you may face and can prepare for that in advance. Something that you may have not been aware of last time. That is a big advantage to have.

Crowler · 21/08/2013 14:14

Personally, If I were five weeks pregnant & didn't want to be, I would have an abortion and not look back.

If you feel uncomfortable with having an abortion, you shouldn't have one.

Bowlersarm · 21/08/2013 14:26

It's just such a personal situation. No one can really advise.

I think you should have it.

I think your DH has come round to the idea. Your children are at a very young age and baby will fit right in, it's not like they are 10 and 8 and you would be right back to the start. Your money may be tight but is very possible. Aborting a healthy baby, a product of two loving parents and with full brothers/sister, well, I just couldn't do it. To me it would already exist and I could no more get rid of it than one of the older children.

But that's just me. That may not be right for you.

Sanctimummy · 21/08/2013 14:44

I hate to tell you what to do but I'm going to anyway..

Don't have an abortion, I can tell that you don't want to.

Look forward to the future, you are more than capable, and your finances will cope.

BinksToEnlightenment · 21/08/2013 15:09

No one can make this decision for you, but I do get the impression from your posts that you would like to be talked into keeping the baby.

FastWindow · 21/08/2013 15:22

To gauge your own true feelings... If dp was all for it delighted etc, would any of your doubts have popped up?

FastWindow · 21/08/2013 15:41

Also, you say you don't know how you would feel/cope after having an abortion.

I can tell you I had a termination at the age of 26, at somewhere around 22 weeks (very late indeed). I was 110% certain it was the right thing to do and knew I would not regret it. I still don't. (I regret getting into the situation in the first place, I'm not made of stone!!) Had I had the slightest doubt that it wasn't the right thing to do or that I would cope badly with the guilt etc, I wouldn't have done it. HTH.

Edendance · 21/08/2013 15:46

By not taking responsibilty for the decision, he is ensuring that whatever 'you' decide to do will then become 'your fault' in the future... This is not cool. You need to get him to dicuss and communicate his feelings properly, it is not fair that he is placing all of it on you, it is both of your baby and needs to be wanted by both of you, not used as a blame card or that will end badly for all of you.

Original poster

evalluna · 21/08/2013 15:55

Hi, thanks for all the replies. Yes if I am honest I would rather have this baby than have to go through an abortion - maybe I do want to be talked into it. It is definitely a heart versus head scenario. I have an appointment at bpas tomorrow to discuss it and am debating whether to go or whether to bite the bullet and make the decision now to keep it. At the moment am thinking I will go to the appointment purely to keep options open - although my gut feeling at the moment is I won't go through with it.

OP posts:

FastWindow · 21/08/2013 15:59

The BPAS sounds like a good idea. Are you going on your own or with dp?

Original poster

evalluna · 21/08/2013 15:59

By the way I really hope I have not upset anyone by posting - I am aware this is a very sensitive issue and feel bad to be posting as a problem something that to many people would be very much longed for.
Thank you again for all the advice, much of it has been very insightful.

OP posts:

lljkk · 21/08/2013 16:16

Very important you 2 talk about one of you being sterilised to prevent this dilemma in future.
Bit early to think about how to fund your kids at university (you are in Uk, right?, talk of tenure made me wonder)

I am sort of an academic; agree that it's very much not a family friendly profession. That said, I know loads of academics, including relatively young Proffs, who have 3+ children. Most of them have SAH-partners or readily admit they don't remember much of the early years of parenthood.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/08/2013 16:22

I know lots of academics. Most have kids. One is a (female) Prof , who is very successful, but certainly doesn't work all hours! She is really good at what she does, and also a good politician, which in academia is just as important.
sounds to me a little like your man is blaming family life for his struggle to go beyond the post doc phase. That's rather convenient imo, as you can then be made to assume almost full responsibility for domestic life because otherwise you are " holding him back"...
Where people in any field are talented, have vision, and work smart , success can be had. The " pram in the hall" being the enemy of creativity is just an excuse.
Have the baby, but make sure he says " yes I want this, and I will contribute".

Squitten · 21/08/2013 16:29

Agree that your OH is copping out and putting this all onto you, which is absolutely unfair. Before you go to any appointments, you need to have a VERY frank conversation in which he is explicitly told that unless he tells you that he does NOT want this child, he IS committing himself to all that caring for a third child entails and that he will NEVER be able to claim that you trapped him or that he didn't get to voice his opinion. Time to step up and speak his mind.

We terminated at 5wks after accidentally falling pregnant very soon after DC1 and it was fine, but it was 100% a mutual decision and neither of us has ever regretted it for a second. Don't do it unless you are sure, which it really doesn't sound like you are.

lljkk · 21/08/2013 16:50

10 yrs ago when I was in different department there were virtually NO WOMEN with children. It was very noticeable.
Now I'm at same Uni different dept. and almost all the women (50% of colleagues) have children. Very strange!

That said, I couldn't be a lecturer & have kids. I just don't have that in me.

Original poster

evalluna · 21/08/2013 16:50

In uk so maybe tenure not right word. My dp is very talented and good at what he does although has always been a bit of a renaissance type of person which perhaps does not always work that well in a v focussed academia. He has also suffered low mood at times, very much related to anxieties over his career and situation. This is my main concern I guess. He has partly felt held back by being unable to travel to take up different post doc positions internationally (though I have in the past said I don't mind if he were to work away from home if necessary but he has never felt that to be tenable). I am very troubled by the feeling that having a family has impacted on him negatively and I think Iin that sense it probably has.

OP posts:

lljkk · 21/08/2013 16:58

DH wasn't cut out to have > 1 child, either. It's a pain.

Original poster

evalluna · 21/08/2013 17:07

Lljkk do you only have one then?

Not sure if he will come to the appointment it is quite a drive away and we are both supposed to be at work! I thought it might be quite a practical thing to arrange the procedure (when booked thought that was definitely happening now much less sure but will go anyway so have not burned my bridges - in my head the decision has to be made one way or another before 6 weeks.)

OP posts:

PearlyWhites · 21/08/2013 17:11

You will be fine, why would you need to pay for uni are you in the USA? Why can't your dc get a loan?

lljkk · 21/08/2013 17:43

Sorry, don't want to sound so negative. I quit academic research when DC3 was just turned 1, stayed away for 8 yrs, am not cut out to be some kind of super mom. And most the people I know who do continue with a career in academia have a partner who is SAHP OR who works from home/flexibly.

In current dept. there are several women with 2-4 kids at home. Don't know everyone's situation, but seems like nearly all of us are pt CRS except the SL with semi-retired husband & who didn't become a lecturer until youngest was about 8 now has 2 adult+1teen offspring.

As for DH,he's just a bit of a stress bunny. Parenthood is hard work.

Original poster

evalluna · 22/08/2013 13:52

Lljkk that is interesting about your colleague who became lecturer when youngest was 8 - my partner always gives me the impression that if you have not made it when really young it is too late! I just want him to have a job he is secure in and happy.

Anyway to update I went to bpas which didn't find that helpful (not sure what was expecting really) though woman who did scan was nice (and at least confirmed it is not twins). I felt really uncomfortable and just wanted to get the hell out of there, so looks like will be keeping it whether that is right decision or not...

Thanks again for all advice and support.

OP posts:

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