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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go back to work?

36 replies

acer12 · 20/08/2013 22:42

So my maternity is nearly up and we've had to start thinking of child care Sad
On both our wages we did fine. I all ways thought I would go back part time but after working out child care costs we would only literately be up around £130 a month ![shocked] so to have that whopping £130 I get to lose my dd for half the week .

Dh earns just over the thresh hold for child/family tax or child minding help. We could just about afford to scrape through, but we'd have to give holidays ect up .

MIL would have her and dd loves her but she smokes like a trooper and would drive dd about while she hasn't even passed her test (that's another whole iabu!!) and can barely see! Plus I don't want her just stay with mil watching tv . I can actually see me saying no to mil causing a row as he sees it as free baby sitting.

Dh said go back and he will pay for child care but ultimately it's all out the same pot any way.

I sort of feel guilty if I don't go back, on work and dh. Dh thought I was going back full time! Dd is an ivf baby and my last baby so I want to cherish this time bit also worried about work and leaving dh to fund everything.

Help !

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 20/08/2013 22:47

So the choice is between going back to work and allowing your illegally driving, heavy smoker MIL to look after your baby or stay at home and forego holidays. You really need help in deciding which? Hmm

McNewPants2013 · 20/08/2013 22:48

It's not for everyone but have you thought about you becoming a childminder.

nearlymumofone · 20/08/2013 22:48

in a similarish position myself. I don't earn enough to make working worthwhile once I've paid for childcare. If you can afford to do without the 130 quid then don't go back I reckon. yanbu.

tillyo · 20/08/2013 22:52

Can you not do something like Avon in your area? I know people who earn £100-£150 per month and that way you can take you dd for a lovely walk while you do it x

Jsa1980 · 20/08/2013 22:54

In the same boat but we need that extra £130. UANBU if you can do without it, I know I would

maddening · 20/08/2013 22:57

Have you counted in doing childcare vouchers - if both earners on basic tax you can put aside £243 tax free into ccvouxhers which apparently saves £75 each in tax

Babyroobs · 20/08/2013 23:00

Could you think about a job which fits around your husband's hours, say a couple of evenings or a weekend day just to bring in a bit of money for treats, so that your husband can care for dd and you won't have childcare costs?

MsVestibule · 20/08/2013 23:00

I know it's a very personal decision, but since you're asking for opinions... It really depends how much you value your future career and financial independence. I gave up a good job after DD2 was born (not because I was desperate to be a SAHM, but for other reasons) and although it was the right decision for my family at the time, DC2 is about to start Reception and I'll be lucky to find a NMW job now.

I do realise that £130pm isn't a huge amount, but of course that will increase as your DD gets older. If you do decide to go back, do not let your MIL look after her!!! Far better to pay out for childcare than leave her with a woman who drives even though she can't see, hasn't passed her test and smokes heavily, just because it's 'free'.

ExitPursuedByABear · 20/08/2013 23:02

It's only for a few years.

SJisontheway · 20/08/2013 23:13

Do you value your career or is it just a job? The childcare costs are temporary, and purely looking at it from a financial point of view, you'll probably be considerably better off a few years down the line if you manage to keep your hand in at this stage. I think it depends a lot on how likely you are to continue in the same carer into the future.

LimitedEditionLady · 20/08/2013 23:26

I dont know what others think about this but i dont get much of a wage after paying for two days childcare a week but i wanted to keep on working but part time. I want my child to go nursery and be with other children as ds is an only child and i love that its such a fab nursery and he has good interaction with people other than myself.I also value a few hours of being just me and not mum,it does me good.

Backtobedlam · 20/08/2013 23:39

I think it also depends how supportive DH is likely to be. He said to 'go back and he'd pay childcare'...is that if you want to return to work, or would he prefer you went back? Not that it's just down to him, but if you're going to give up your financial independence you want his backing from the start.

jellybeans · 20/08/2013 23:44

YANBU. I would SAH, you can't get the time back and won't have the stress when they are ill etc (I WOH f/t with DD1).

mumeeee · 20/08/2013 23:47

YANBU If you want to stay at home then do. Children are only little for a short while.

damnitdamnit · 21/08/2013 06:57

If your dh earns only just above the threshold could he reduce his hours by half a day/day, apply for childcare vouchers and pay more into his pension to keep him below the threshold. That way he could provide half a days childcare for you and you would also be entitled to help. Like someone said above the childcare vouchers do work out well especially with higher rate tax payers.

Cravingdairy · 21/08/2013 07:29

Remember pension contributions, and any other benefits, for example we have a death in service benefit. Make sure you are factoring these in to your decision.

Cravingdairy · 21/08/2013 07:33

mumeee And the OP may be retired for a long time. Her decisions now could have long term repercussions, for everyone in the family.

forevergreek · 21/08/2013 07:38

Have you looked at all childcare options ie live in nanny/ childminder/ nanny share/ nursery

Once slightly older you could use an au pair if only part time

Also look at if one of you could start early finish early and the other later finishing later. Meaning you need less childcare in between. Or if one can work some hours from
Home in the eve. All work places are supposed to try and accomadate flexi hours. Maybe 7-4 for one, 10-7pm another, work through lunch breaks to leave earlier. So in example above childcare 9.30-4.30 instead of maybe 7.30-6.30

grobagsforever · 21/08/2013 07:42

Personally, given 50% of LTRs fail I think any woman is mad to comprimise her earning power like this. Go back PT just to keep your hand in, you dont know what the future holds.

Sunnysummer · 21/08/2013 07:45

Whether it's worth going back also depends on your long term outlook. For example, in my field you can't really take years out and then come back, so in the long term it's worth me going back to work, even though most of my income will be swallowed up by childcare fees for a couple of years. I'm extra conscious of this because my older sister has a number of friends who stopped work for 5-6 years to look after their DCs when small, but were then unable to go back to anything approaching their old jobs when their kids started school (or even worse, when they split with partners and were left stony broke).

On the other hand, if you are able to tale an extra year and you would enjoy it, why not? £130 a week is not enormous if your DH is earning enough to be over the threshold, and it definitely sounds better for your DD than being insanely driven by a chain smoker, no matter how loving your MIL is.

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2013 07:50

It's £130 now, if you are using a nursery, the price will fall once your dd is 2 and the ratios of carer to dc change (so their costs fall) then fall dramatically again when she's 3 and you get 15 hours free. (that knocked £300 a month off our bill). Then she'll be at school and your childcare costs are far lower.

Other considerations, is yours the sort of job you can leave for 5 or so years and go back in at the same level? Is it easy to get part time roles from new starter/advertised as such? (a lot of jobs it seems the only part time roles are existing staff members)

Also, are you planning more dcs? (if so, I'd go back and suck up the small income until 2nd mat leave)

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/08/2013 07:51

I think you need to take a long term view and also consider worst case scenarios - not just what would happen if DH left, but if he had an accident or was made redundant. I think being financially reliant on another person is always risky and can be stressful for them too.

In your situation I'd be going back but using paid childcare rather than MiL.

pinkdelight · 21/08/2013 07:57

I'd keep working part-time. Incomes often taken a hit when kids are little. It's worthwhile in the longer-term. And £130 is not derisory sum - you say you'd have to miss out on holidays, but it wouldn't take many £130s to add up to a holiday. Without it, what else would you have to give up?Some people actually make a loss just to keep their jobs. If you leave now, how hard will it be to get back in, especially on part-time hours (which are even more useful when DC go to school). If the choice was full-time or nothing, then I'd understand the need to raise your DC would be overwhelming, but part-time is a great balance and it sounds like your DH is very supportive. Definitely wouldn't do the MIL childcare though! Sounds like she needs a row to wake her up. Doesn't she realise she could kill someone??

Meglet · 21/08/2013 08:10

I'd go back and take the hit at nursery if I were you. As others have said, the childcare costs will drop in a couple of years. By the time she starts school you will have been established in your job for some time and be in a better position to ask for more flexible hours to cover school hols.

Is your DH able to drop a half day a week to stay at home with DD?

ArtemisKelda · 21/08/2013 09:26

I know what you mean OP, I'm going back part time and my wage only just covers childcare & diesel. My worry is that if I took 4 years out until DD starts school, I'd struggle to get back into work, especially as I'm now 40. I really don't want to go back though Sad

I've got her a place at the same nursery that DS went to so I'm happy with that. If I could be sure that I could get a decent job after taking a few years out, I'd do that.

What do you really want to do? Is your job a career or just a job and could you take a few years out? It's not an easy decision.