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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my pregnant friend?

55 replies

Confused40 · 20/08/2013 21:56

She's having work done in her house and been staying in a hotel. She's not sure if the local authority will be paying for it and the last day to stay there is tomorrow. She stayed a night with me last week and has some of her belongings stored here.
She asked by text, and didn't enquire how I am or how my day was, and why not phone when you want something?
She's in a seriously bad DV r/s and always asks my advice and I try to help out and not judge. I've helped her out loads. Giving her maternity clothes, baby clothes etc.
I really feel the friendship in one sided and when she texted me I've not heard from her all weekend, when she said she'd ring/text.
I don't want her staying here and have ignored her text so far. I only hear from her when she wants something. I've arranged for a charity I was working at to help her and her family out, written letters for her etc. She just seems to take, take, and it feels really one sided.

WWYD? I'm so pissed off with her. She's in a really bad r/s with a guy she'll be having a baby for. Last time I saw her she said he called her a C**t and spat in her face. She's 8 months pregnant. He's promised to buy her stuff for the baby and only bought a few baby gros and a blanket. She has literally nothing.

Please don't get me wrong, I feel for her I really do, but its all take and not give and I've had enough.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 20/08/2013 22:59

Ok, just read the bit where you say you are a single parent with newborn dd and she would have to sleep in your bed. In that case, no, no no - you have enough on your plate.

holidaysarenice · 20/08/2013 23:02

I wouldn't have her in my home. I'd be protecting my own children.
Yes to the advice to contact HA etc.

If anyone I wud help its the dd and two sons.

Original poster
Confused40 · 20/08/2013 23:03

SS are involved as she asked them to be to help get issues in the CH sorted. In her previous r/s her 2 dd's father won custody and took them abroad. I supported her throughout the whole court process. Babysat the other children for weekends at at time etc.
I realise I might sound heartless, but she knows that this man is dangerous and is choosing herself over her children. I feel for them so much.

OP posts:
doorbellringer · 20/08/2013 23:05

I think you should phone SS if she isn't already known to them and report what's happening to her other children ASAP! I think you need to take a stand and stop her taking the piss out of you any more. I think she sounds a dispicable piece of work who should have her children take from her if this is the type of "mother" she is.

doorbellringer · 20/08/2013 23:08

Then tell her to go fuck herself. Pathetic excuse for a mother. At least two DD's are away from her only another 4 DC to go.

HollaAtMeBaby · 20/08/2013 23:09

Call SS or Jeremy Kyle and back away.

somersethouse · 20/08/2013 23:12

YANBU

Not at all.

Switchedtoeatingbutter · 20/08/2013 23:15

Sorry if I made you feel guilty OP. after evading your later posts I think you are right to say no. Poor little kids.

Switchedtoeatingbutter · 20/08/2013 23:15

Reading not evading, sorry!

Bogeyface · 20/08/2013 23:16

I agree that you need to contact SS straight away. They only have her version of what is going on, so you need to get them aware of the facts asap.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 20/08/2013 23:19

Right, so this is a long-standing situation. Agree that after the later posts it would be best to call SS and let them handle whatever support or intervention is required. You alone can't solve her problems even if you wanted to, so best to refer it to the authorities who at least have a remit to deal with it. Poor kids - hope things improve for them.

Bogeyface · 20/08/2013 23:20

Oh and FWIW he doesnt like you and has called you names because he knows that you are not to be bullied and have supported her. If there is one thing an abusive man hates more than his partner, its his partners supportive friends.

pigletmania · 20/08/2013 23:23

I wouldnt op, jst say no to her

lottieandmia · 20/08/2013 23:25

Totally agree bogeyface.

lilly40 · 21/08/2013 11:40

Thanks everyone. Before letting her stay the night a few weeks back I'd not heard from her in months.
Mainly I feel sorry for her, but then just end up getting used again. I'll say no and probably won't hear from her again ;)
Why do I feel so mean?!

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 21/08/2013 12:19

OP, I have been in your position. I had to say no. I won't go into too much detail as the situation is recognisable and I suspect the person in question uses MN but it was horrendous and heartbreaking in equal measures. I put a roof over her head, had her newborn in my room so she could sleep, helped her seek legal and practical help and provided food, warmth and clothing. When things were good for her and she was back on her feet I was cast aside, ignored and even bitched about for being a pushover rather than a loyal friend. I realised I had a lucky escape. She is still acting in the same way. I suspect its her inability to be alone thats her undoing. She HAS to be in a relationship at any cost. In fact lady if you do recognise yourself then listen to this. You are damaging your children. Your mum is heartbroken. Your friends can't take it anymore. Stop being mean and antagonistic. There is a reason why everyone has washed their hands of you. I can't feel sorry for you anymore. Its like feeling sorry for the dog that has just bitten you.

quesadilla · 21/08/2013 13:01

I think you need to get onto social services as a matter of urgency. Not really sure if they can get involved with housing matters or if that is a LA issue but the question of her and her childrens' accommodation really needs to be addressed super fast.

Whether or not you let her stay a couple of nights is up to you and I couldn't blame you at all if you said no... But in a way it's a bit of a red herring: she needs to find a stable temporary housing situation before the baby arrives.

Original poster
Confused40 · 21/08/2013 13:43

Thanks guys. Yes, she has had her fair share of trauma over the last few years. I guess its easy to judge, but backofmycar said, its no wonder her friends are getting fed up. I've chickened out and not replied to her text. She texted again this morning asking if I'd received her first text. It made me think, if she wants it badly enough, why isn't she ringing me???
I'm not going to let her stay. DS is off to uni in a few weeks, so this is our last special time together before he flies the nest. Plus he is enjoying the time with his baby sister before he goes. I don't want the drama, and as her partner is severe DV I really don't want to get involved.
Still feeling guilty, but I'm putting my own family first.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 21/08/2013 17:20

After reading your updates YANBU. You have no space, and your own dcs to consider. If she contacts you again, just tell her that. And consider contacting ss re her other dcs welfare.

zatyaballerina · 21/08/2013 18:03

I agree with you putting your own family first, I would also be calling ss to ensure they are fully up to date with the danger this woman is putting her children in and the consequences on them. I would also tell her that I can no longer help her while she is a child abuser, what she is doing to her children is worse than what her partner does to her. They are innocent children with no say in their environment, she is an adult who chooses hers.

Littleen · 21/08/2013 18:34

Sad situation, but really - give her the chance to make it right. You need to talk to her about it, be upfront about how you feel. She might simply think you'd ask if you needed anything/to talk/etc - and it could be that she just doesn't realise your point of view. You're not being unreasonable for saying no to her, but cutting her off without telling her how you feel would be.

hardboiledpossum · 21/08/2013 19:47

I would be calling ss and telling them everything you know about her partner and her children .

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/08/2013 19:54

YANBU. You do not have to be at anyone's beck and call no matter their situation. It would be a different matter (and no doubt you would feel differently about the whole matter) if she were a true friend, dire straights or not.

specialsubject · 21/08/2013 19:57

sadly if adults keep making the wrong choices there is only so much you can do. Stay out of it, point her at the agencies that are there to help (we love the UK) and then you have done your bit.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/08/2013 20:04

dire straits - oops Blush