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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grrrr. AIBU to ask that we all apply the 'This is My Child' principles to adults as well?

35 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 20/08/2013 17:35

I'm furious! Sorry for another rant on here two days in a row. Nipped in to town after picking up dd from school.

As you get off the train there's a really tiny, narrow staircase that takes you up onto the main street.

So as me, dd and around a dozen other people were going up, a wee man (late 40's) was coming down. He seemed really frightened of the crowd and was saying out loud over and over, "I just need to calm down. Please let me calm down. I just need to calm down. Please let me calm down."

Most people just hurried by him, a few laughed hysterically, and a few boys started taking the piss out of him, asking what drugs the man was on and if they could have some.

Meanwhile, the man is pressing himself against the wall, chanting away 'let me calm down', not meeting anyone's eye. He looked bloody petrified.

I approached him, suspecting he may have autism. I used some of the things I've learned with dd whilst she's on sensory overload. Talk gently, no touching, don't go to close, try to meet their eye. I asked him if he's okay and if i could help. He didn't react at all. Just kept saying 'let me calm down'. so i stepped back. A man (in his 30's) told me to get away and i 'was off my nut going near him with a child'.

Anyway, the crowd all went up the stairs and left through the door. I stayed at the top of the stairs, really not sure what to do. I hoped a station attendant would be along soon. But as soon as the crowd left, the man stayed at the wall for a minute, stopped talking, and went down the stairs and boarded the train.

I'm really bloody angry. Why is it that when someone doesn't have an obvious or physical disability, people will just assume they're either steaming drunk or high on drugs? Why are they scared to approach them? Why do they ignore them?

My dd will likely be in that man's position one day. The thought of her being laughed at or people not trying to help when she's feeling overwhelmed actually makes me want to cry.

The campaign This Is My Child is wonderful and I've already told everyone I know about it. But i really just want to use this thread to urge people to apply the campaign's ethos to adults as well.

Thanks.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 20/08/2013 17:40

Yes I agree the ethos should be applied to adults too. I was thinking that when I first saw the campaign.

zatyaballerina · 20/08/2013 17:56

yanbu, poor man, that sounds horribleSad

Original poster
EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 20/08/2013 18:01

I'm really angry about this. How can people treat other people - vulnerable people - so horribly? Angry

Hope he's home now and relaxing with some dinner. Poor wee man.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 20/08/2013 18:04

Its heartbreaking really. He's someones child too. I dont know why people behave in this way, so wrong.

littlemisswise · 20/08/2013 18:05

I agree with you.

I hope he is ok now.

NotYoMomma · 20/08/2013 18:27

but you also dont know he had autism? you have just diagnosed him based on a few behaviours and tried unsucessfully to help...

its awful that people dont help each other out but he seemed to be saying exactly what he needed, to calm down and didnt like people... so you went over to him?

he sorted himself out in the end

cuttingpicassostoenails · 20/08/2013 19:08

What an unpleasant post Notyo. The op did not diagnose him, I doubt that she would be so arrogant. What she did was recognise that the man was in difficulty and tried to help...which was more than anyone else damn well did! Yes...she made a guess at what might be wrong with him, which is what most of us might have done.

I guess the oxygen is pretty thin up there on your high horse.

MurderOfGoths · 20/08/2013 19:13

Poor man, that sounds awful. People can be so needlessly cruel. :(

Edendance · 20/08/2013 19:29

Oh come on NotYo! You can usually spot at very least Autistic traits in someone if you know what you're looking for! The op did just the right thing, she reconised that he might need some attention (from a distance) and gave gentle support as appropiate. There are vulnerable people in society who don't need to be laughed at or ignored, but understood and respected- it isn't difficult.

Jude89 · 20/08/2013 20:00

I have a friend who collapses frequently often on pavements and has had people kick her or throw drinks on her and call her a druggie or a hobo. People are horrible.

Nettymania · 20/08/2013 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dementedma · 20/08/2013 20:54

My brother has mental health issues and is an alcoholic. You wouldn't want his photo in a galley of cute people with SN. At his worse he was unshaven, he stank, his breath was rank,he had weeping sores all over his skin, he was incoherent and rambling about the voices in his head. Would you stop to help him or would you cross the road with your Dcs to avoid him?
The My Child campaign is great - I have shared it on social media etc but I wish there could be a wider acceptance. If you saw a picture of a cute little boy with Downs for example,and a picture of a unshaven, scrawny, stinking drunk - which would draw your sympathy?

sydlexic · 20/08/2013 21:10

Last week I was on holiday and visited a water park, a young lad 15 /16 crouched on the floor in a corner, with his his head on his knees and his fingers in his ears. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to make things worse. His family were off having fun, I don't know if they were being reasonable or not, it's doesn't look like something I would have done.

What should I have done?

MrsBW · 20/08/2013 21:16

A few years back I had just got off the train at B'ham New St station, during rush hour.

A blind man was led to the concourse by a station attendant, and then left there. He was just left... And was calling out 'excuse me, can someone help me?'

It was heartbreaking... The man had no idea where to go and was alone. I watched for a minute, realised the attendant wasn't coming back, then introduced myself to the blind man, found out where he was heading, found the right bus stop and made sure he got on the bus... And asked the driver to tell him when it was his stop so he knew to get off.

I had only been to Birmingham once before and had no idea about local buses until I started asking.

What is wrong with people nowadays that helping out is such a rarity?

You did a good thing OP

SilverApples · 20/08/2013 21:18

'a young lad 15 /16 crouched on the floor in a corner, with his his head on his knees and his fingers in his ears.'

That was us, last month at Victoria station. less of a young lad and more of a hairy heap. I'd gone to check train times and acquire food for us, and after a day of PFN, DS was suddenly overwhelmed.
So a young policewoman had come over, stood out of reach and asked him if she could help in a quiet and clear voice. He'd apparently shaken his head and growled 'Mum's coming' and she just stayed there until I got back about 5 minutes later.
He recovered, she grinned and said 'see you' He didn't need help, but she was wonderful, and it stuck with him that she hadn't been cross or suspicious, she just wanted to support.

badtime · 20/08/2013 21:19

NotYo, so it would be fine to treat someone like that if their disability was actually a MH condition, like an anxiety disorder? Claustrophobia? OCD?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/08/2013 21:29

While it is true that people should be more open minded I think it's unfair to blame people who don't stop to help.
You DO NOT know how someone will react.
At work (NHS) I've been spat on, slapped, clawed (nails) had a frame swung at the side of my head (caught my temple).
This is in a calm controlled situation in the persons own home/ residential.

One particular young man I remember, he was fine, chattering about nothing in particular. tHen he sat back and made a soft growling noise (that I could only just hear)
His carer said "Stand up and step away, NOW "

Apparantly this was his "sign" that he was going to attack me physically.

So yes, I wouldn't be unkind to someone in trouble.
And I'd offer help.
But if someone doesn't know what they are doing.............the outcome can be nasty.

CorrineFoxworth · 20/08/2013 21:32

Oh bless you MrsBW, that really got to me Sad

SilverApples · 20/08/2013 21:34

Presumably you did as the carer said? Thereby not becoming part of the problem and making the carer's job harder. Well done, 70.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 20/08/2013 21:56

It is very sad that adults do not attract understanding. I was recently completely torn in my thoughts and feelings. An obviously mentally I'll man followed me on the street, into a shop around the shop and then out again. I was intimidated and worried (especially because I had toddler ds with me in a buggy) as to why he was following me so obviously and closely. On the other hand there was nothing actually threatening in hs conduct. In fact he was smiling at me Sad. In the end I managed to slip into a library and lost him. Afterwards I felt very guilty that I had behaved as I had. Should I have even friendly and instigated a kind conversation with him? I honestly don't know Sad

wharrgarbl · 20/08/2013 22:00

Why is it that when someone doesn't have an obvious or physical disability, people will just assume they're either steaming drunk or high on drugs?

Because quite often they are?

wharrgarbl · 20/08/2013 22:02

And I confess, I find the more um, what, obvious? Extreme? Can't find the right word...forms of mental illness scary. I just do. I used to live in a suburb which had a lot of mentally ill/alcoholic/addicted/all of the above people in it, and some of them really scared me - unpredictably vilent and threatening, or suddenly deciding you were their best friend so they should live with you now. It is scary.

wharrgarbl · 20/08/2013 22:03

violent

pamish · 20/08/2013 22:05

Advice I've been given by disabled friends - ask two questions - "Would you like some help?" then, if yes, "what can I do to help?" ie don't just jump in. Someone may be just fine on their own, or not able to deal with contact even just verbal.

Holliewantstobehot · 20/08/2013 22:15

My bil has mh illness and has been abused by kids in a park, my dsis has overheard unkind comments about him which she has found very upsetting and their neihgbour won't talk to them. He is one of the nicest people i have ever met.