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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think it makes a difference if you hear someone said something behind your back first hand

32 replies

fluckered · 20/08/2013 12:29

I know we all bitch moan gossip even about our best mates at times and am no angel, I do too. BUT does it make a difference when you hear in my case a "friend" ring their husband and go into a rant about me while sitting beside me at my kitchen table not knowing where they were and mobiles being mobiles I could hear her laughing and every word!

She has apologised since but I don't feel I can be myself anymore, am paranoid about what I say or give away too much. Its strained. AIBU?

OP posts:
waltzingmathilda · 20/08/2013 12:33

Not following that at all - Your friend is sitting next to you at your table but didnt know where she was?

Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 12:34

sorry I should be clearer. dp and this man work together. I am friends with his wife. she not knowing where her husband was rang him while we were all sitting at my kitchen table.

OP posts:
BigBoobiedBertha · 20/08/2013 12:35

No I don't understand either.

If she was in your kitchen, where did she think you were? And how long was this conversation going on?

Bumblebee333 · 20/08/2013 12:36

hmm how mean was she?

Justforlaughs · 20/08/2013 12:37

Why would it make a difference? She isn't a friend, end of! Sorry that you found out this way, but personally I'd rather know.

BigBoobiedBertha · 20/08/2013 12:37

Well in that case you have every right to feel upset. She is obviously 2 faced and she and her DH wouldn't be welcome in my house again.

HairyGrotter · 20/08/2013 12:37

YANBU

She sounds rather rude, it's carelessness. Yes, most are guilty of a bit of bad mouthing, but at least have the decency to keep it away from the subject!

Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 12:38

ok ... i'll try again. she was somewhere else (in work I think). she rang her husband who was sitting beside me in my kitchen with others having tea. she didn't know I was home as I was off work sick, normally gone every day.

OP posts:
ArkadyRose · 20/08/2013 12:38

I'd have to question why her DP didn't tell her where he was the moment she started bitching about you. Did he perhaps want you to find out exactly how she feels about you without going through the unpleasantness of actually telling you?

Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 12:39

HairyGrotter she thought she was keeping it away from me. Tbh it confirmed what I always thought, that they spoke about me and my MH/illness, being sick, nothing wrong with her etc. it hurt. but I am being told by everyone as its all out in the open that we all do it, everybody bitches, she is sorry, end of. get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 12:41

ArkadyRose he hadn't a chance. She blurted out laughing and roaring "ye wont believe it she is sick AGAIN" as I stupidly posted on fb (while chatting at kitchen table 2 mins before) a comment about what a joke of a country this is (Ireland) and that I had spent 150 plus quid this week on doctors. didn't divulge anything else. but she read it and phoned her husband.

OP posts:
HowlerMonkey · 20/08/2013 12:44

You're not being unreasonable. Yes, she may have apologised but that doesn't mean that you can magically erase the feeling of being hurt.

If she wants to be friends with you again then she needs to show she's sorry by an ongoing change of behaviour (i.e. not bitching about you and showing some inclination to not bitch about others). If you want to be friends with her again (and you certainly don't have to) then I would advise giving her the benefit of the doubt in future interactions, ASSUMING she is obviously making an effort. If she just goes back to her same old self then I'd find it very hard to re-establish any trust.

This sucks for you. Sorry :(

Groovee · 20/08/2013 12:45

That would end a friendship for me.

HowlerMonkey · 20/08/2013 12:46

x-posted

I do however think (bit off-topic) that you run the risk of putting people's backs up if you publicly criticise their country. Unless you're both from that country, in which case carry on as you were :)

KhloeKardashian · 20/08/2013 12:49

I think the friendship is over too. If a friend didn't believe me what would be the point of the friendship? She is basically saying she thinks you are a liar and can't be trusted.

Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 12:49

thanks for the replies. Yeah am kinda caught as the husband is here a lot and men being men are staying out of it but dp said "listen she said sorry" but I know its because he doesn't want a strained relationship with his friend and tbh the husband did nothing wrong but makes me believe he listens to her a lot going on about it and either agrees or just silently nods.

but thanks for validating that its ok to feel hurt. which I am. have texted back and forth since but I don't text off the cuff like before I am checking, re checking what I said etc.

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 20/08/2013 12:52

Sorry to hear that you are unwell, into the bargain. But tbh, for me the friendship would be over, although I wouldn't take it out on her DH.

Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 13:07

oh am not taking it out on him. and I mentioned Ireland as a) wanted to explain how its possible here to spend that much on doc visits and b) that I wasn't slagging off the UK. yeah I feel like a bit of a laughing stock, to be pitied or that its all in my head. but thanks again at least on here I am not alone in thinking that its ok to distance myself now and I am nbu in doing that.

OP posts:
HowlerMonkey · 20/08/2013 13:12

I would definitely be distancing myself. Be polite, ask civil questions like 'how's the house move/dog-grooming/whatever going', don't bother arguing with anything you don't agree with, smile and nod. Don't go out of your way to make her feel ok about being mean.

If she does seem properly sorry and actually continues to be so, then maybe unbend these rules a bit.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have been such a doormat in my life and have done all the 'oh no, it's ok, I don't mind, I'm fine with the fact that I'm not important, it's all I deserve actually' stuff so really want you to nicely, politely, non-confrontationally show her where to get off Grin

ilovesooty · 20/08/2013 13:24

That's awful. I could certainly understand you not wanting her in your life any more.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 20/08/2013 13:31

I once heard a saying that if every person knew what their friends said about them then no one would ever have any friends!

However, I think YANBU in this case.

diddl · 20/08/2013 13:33

I'd be wanting to tell them both to piss off tbh.

Although I think that posting on FB is a bit ridiculous if you are ill & off work tbh.

But then how sad is she/they that she immediately phones her husband & says what she did-& that he knew who she meant!

Original poster
fluckered · 20/08/2013 13:36

Although I think that posting on FB is a bit ridiculous if you are ill & off work tbh.

why?

OP posts:
Morebirthdayblues · 20/08/2013 13:46

That's awful I was be very annoyed to think my 'friends' were laughing at me.

If shes actually going to the lengths of ringing her DH to tell him there and then, it sort of shows she does it a lot. You are well within your rights to be annoyed

diddl · 20/08/2013 14:11

Because it leaves you open to such situations as this!