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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husband if he drinks again the marriage is over

46 replies

Arnie123 · 20/08/2013 12:26

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been dry 3 years. He goes to aa every week and I am very proud of him. He confessed today he is on the verge of drinking again and I have told him this will end the marriage unless he gets dry again for 6 months. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and want better than that for our 2 year old son. I think being raised by a drunk parent is child abuse. It means I will have to quit my business and become a full time single mum but my son is the priority. Am I being a bit harsh

OP posts:

noisytoys · 20/08/2013 12:28

YANBU. You are very brave and putting your son first. You are absolutely right to leave DH if he has a drink.

DameDeepRedBetty · 20/08/2013 12:29

No you're not being too harsh.

I hope your husband manages to keep it together.

MrsMcEnroe · 20/08/2013 12:30

YANBU. My grandfather was an alcoholic; it ruined my mum's childhood and damn nearly ruined mine too.

Wishing you - and your husband - strength x

pianodoodle · 20/08/2013 12:30

YANBU

Similar circumstances here regarding DH going to AA and staying sober and we also have a 2 year old.

My stance on it is the same as yours. This is one thing I won't compromise on.

BigBoobiedBertha · 20/08/2013 12:32

I am sorry you are having to deal with this and I completely understand your ultimatum but to me, it does seem a little bit harsh to tell him the marriage will be over without helping your DH to get to the bottom of why he is feeling the urge to drink after 3 yrs. What has changed? I know only he can deal with whatever it is that has made him feel vulnerable but he needs your support.

However, if he doesn't do anything to help himself. If he doesn't go to AA or talk to you or a counsellor about things then you would be right to walk away. I am not suggesting you baby him and take his problems as your own but just be supportive (which you probably are) and help him through.

Crinkle77 · 20/08/2013 12:32

A little bit harsh yet. He needs your support not threats to leave. He has told you he is on the verge of drinking and is obviously crying out for your help.

redcaryellowcar · 20/08/2013 12:34

I don't have any relevant experience but hearing from a close friend who gave up smoking after many many years and how she described addiction I think I would not be entering in or staying in a relationship with someone who was addicted to anything and certainly not with children.

McNewPants2013 · 20/08/2013 12:34

I think you was harsh to him, he came to you for a bit of support.

If he did start drinking then it wouldn't be harsh to end the realationship.

pianodoodle · 20/08/2013 12:35

You can be supportive but at the same time make the position clear. If it is a deal breaker it's only fair that he knows that and knows what he would be risking.

TheOrchardKeeper · 20/08/2013 12:36

Yes but crinkle if the fact of it is that he will drink again and isn't/won't be fully recovered for some time then I think the op is justified in taking their son out of that environment.

I hope he doesn't op but putting your son first is right, even if it feels harsh. Like you said, it's horrible to experience from a child's point of view, even if the adult is 'sorry & trying'

waikikamookau · 20/08/2013 12:38

how long have you been together?
were you together when he did drink?

TheOrchardKeeper · 20/08/2013 12:38

agree with red

Addiction is an unfair thing on all involved and sometimes it's just the way it is/will be for some time and at that point, kids shouldn't be involved if it can be helped.

Best of luck for all of you

CissyMeldrum · 20/08/2013 12:40

My sister is an alcoholic so do have a bit of experience ,only he can stop himself drinking ,he can't do it for you only for himself ,I don't think you are being harsh my sister has 4 kids and it has been awful ,something no child should have to put up with seeing a drunk parent . We are just waiting for the knock on the door to tell us something dreadful has happened. Good luck

WafflyVersatile · 20/08/2013 12:45

Have you asked why he feels on the edge?

CinnabarRed · 20/08/2013 12:46

As the daughter of an alcoholic, I don't think that you're being harsh at all. The sad thing is that, frankly, nothing you say or do will have any bearing on whether he drinks or not - he needs to find the strength inside himself to not drink.

Remember the 3 C's of addiction:

you didn't Cause his drinking
you can't Control his drinking
you can't Cure his drinking.

Very best wishes to you and your son.

Groovee · 20/08/2013 12:48

I don't think you are being harsh. I have an alcoholic mother and it still hurts when alcohol comes first.

But the fact that he has told you how he is feeling, that he is feeling that urge again, is a positive step. He's making you fully aware that he knows he has a problem. Try to support him as much as you can. But for me if he did start drinking it wouldn't be harsh to walk away.

WorraLiberty · 20/08/2013 12:48

I think you're too harsh.

He turned to you for support and all he got was an ultimatum.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 20/08/2013 12:49

What else do you suggest she does worra?

2beornot · 20/08/2013 12:52

It was prob very hard for him to come to you and say that. There's nothing wrong with him knowing that if he drinks you'll go, but you be more supportive and try to help him not get to that stage (which you may have done but just not said). If it were me I'd also want him to be honest with me if he does fall off the wagon and I don't think you've created that environment by laying down the ultimatum.

Original poster

Arnie123 · 20/08/2013 12:59

I am doing everything I can to be supportive. I regularly go to alanon meetings and the people at aa have allowed me to attend their meetings too. I am driving him to and from his meeting tonight as he does not drive. I have spoken to him in detail about why he wants to drink now and he has no idea whatsoever he just feels the urge. I tell him I love him everyday and what a great dad he is. I feel I need to be very clear on this one. His last binge made me so sad I took an overdose and nearly died. I am thinking of phoning the health visitors for their advice. Do you think this would be a good idea? Don't want social services on my back but perhaps they can offer more support

OP posts:

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 20/08/2013 13:11

You sound very sensible. I would speak to HV actually. Not a reason to notify SS I shouldn't (but don't know) think as he isn't actually drinking. HV might help you too if you felt that desperate before.

You know this, but the goal here is the protection of your son. If you OD, instead of having a strong mum and a dad who is off the wagon, he has a mum who is hospitalised (at best) and drunk dad. How is THAT going to help him.

This sounds like I am having a go, I am not, I am going for tough love. Get help. Go to HV, is a good idea. Take what support is offered and bloody well done for piping up and asking for advice, that took balls.

strokey · 20/08/2013 13:22

I don't think HV will refer you to SS unless he starts drinking heavily again, or you feel suicidal again. The last time these things happened was 3 years ago.

I think you can ask for help without worrying about SS and the at risk register.

ilovesooty · 20/08/2013 13:32

Is this the person who is withdrawing from family and social situations and was going to aa instead of your mother's party?

Surely he already knows that relapse would risk his whole marriage and family.
He sounds as though he's struggling and he's shown courage in sharing that with you.

Original poster

Arnie123 · 20/08/2013 13:36

He has told me even though he is struggling he has no intention of drinking again so perhaps I am worrying about nothing

OP posts:

Original poster

Arnie123 · 20/08/2013 13:37

My mum is dead.

OP posts:

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