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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husband if he drinks again the marriage is over

46 replies

Arnie123 · 20/08/2013 12:26

My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been dry 3 years. He goes to aa every week and I am very proud of him. He confessed today he is on the verge of drinking again and I have told him this will end the marriage unless he gets dry again for 6 months. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and want better than that for our 2 year old son. I think being raised by a drunk parent is child abuse. It means I will have to quit my business and become a full time single mum but my son is the priority. Am I being a bit harsh

OP posts:

DameDeepRedBetty · 20/08/2013 13:47

Looking through replies so far I don't think anyone who's saying you're being a bit harsh has really gone through having a member of the household with life-threatening addiction problems. Apologies if I'm wrong, but I don't think anyone who hasn't had a substance-abusive monster inhabiting the body of someone they love in their home can really understand the emotional and physical damage they do.

Worra the trouble with supporting an alcoholic is that they can and virtually always do turn it into some sort of validation of their behaviour - 'enabling'.

stay strong OP.

DameDeepRedBetty · 20/08/2013 13:49

It does seem clear that he's wibbling - but the important thing is that he's still talking, and that he HASN'T actually had a drink.

SaucyJack · 20/08/2013 13:56

YANBU.

For all anybody knows, he may well have told you because he needed to hear you say it out loud in order to keep him on the wagon.

ilovesooty · 20/08/2013 13:56

Sorry Op, I confused you with someone else. I suppose only you can know whether the risk he would be taking needs reinforcing.

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep · 20/08/2013 13:56

It is a harsh thing to say but I can completely understand why you are at that point, and tbh removing yourself and your DC from the situation will be the best thing you can do if he does start again. Living with an alcoholic is fucking hard.

I would continue to support him and let him know how loved he is. Has he told his AA group that he's got the urge? What have they said?

sleeplessbunny · 20/08/2013 14:04

I don't think it's harsh at all, you need to be very clear about how you will protect yourself and your son, as you have been. However, I do think you should only say such things if you really mean them (sounds like you do).

Like another poster said, perhaps he needs to hear it from you. It sounds like you are doing the right things and so is he.

elinorbellowed · 20/08/2013 14:27

I don't think that there is anything wrong with making that promise to yourself. I would avoid giving him an ultimatum though, as they rarely work. Just keep showing him how much you appreciate how far he has got which it sounds like you are doing.

iloveweetos · 20/08/2013 14:30

YANBU
My dad is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. It's a shit thing to grow up with. I avoid my dad as much as possible and have done for years.

2beornot · 20/08/2013 14:46

No I haven't been there, your right. And I'm not criticising at all - I fact as I thought the op is being supportive, just hasn't said.

OP - I think you need to make sure you get support too. Good luck x

Quaffle · 20/08/2013 14:50

Of course YANBU.

Harsh? Really?

somersethouse · 20/08/2013 15:04

When he was drinking was he unable to be a proper father/husband? By that I mean, did he just drink too much at night and got a bit too pissed but then get on with things the next day or did he just sit and drink and things got completely out of control?

I think it is harsh, but your only option - I really would want to get to the bottom of why he feels he is about to drink again.

Strength OP

somersethouse · 20/08/2013 15:08

PS You sound like a wonderfulu wife and mother I am sure it will all be fine, just read that you say he has no intention of drinking again - he probably just needs to vent.

CinnabarRed · 20/08/2013 15:28

I find it helpful to draw a metaphor in this kind of situation - alcohol as the other woman.

If the OP had said that her DH has previously had an affair, and had told her that he was tempted to do so again, and her response had been to tell him that if he was unfaithful again then it would mean the end of her marriage then no-one would be describing her as harsh or unsupportive.

But that's exactly what alcohol is, if you're in relationship with a drinking alcoholic - it's a third person who is also inside the relationship with you. And, worse, a third person who is a damn sight more important than you.

I think that part of the problem is that an awful lot of people still believe the 'alcoholism is a disease' idea. I know lots of alcoholics - through my DF, AA and AlAnon - that really want that to be the case. But the trouble with thinking along those lines is that it absolves the drinker from ever taking responsibility for their problem. That's why I find the OW metaphor more useful.

Coconutty · 20/08/2013 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameDeepRedBetty · 29/08/2013 22:31

Arnie I'm just running back through Threads I'm On, how are things going? Love'n'hugs xx

Silverfoxballs · 29/08/2013 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ozziegirly · 30/08/2013 06:05

My DH has been sober for 4 years and he also knows that if he ever drank I would leave as we now have two sons (born since sobriety).

I don't think it does any harm for them to appreciate the magnitude of what they would lose.

It sounds like your dh needs a new sponsor or to do something to kick start again why he doesn't drink. More or better meetings? Becoming a sponsor himself? I know my DH has found since he got a brilliant sponsor who has taken him through the steps and really worked hard with him, he has really benefitted.

He also is a sponsor and goes to 2-3 meetings per week and helps out at an aa rehab meeting once a month and is also starting his own big book study group. He kind of needs to really immerse himself in it - it's time consuming but way less so than the booze used to be!

Good luck.

TiredDog · 30/08/2013 06:38

YANBU at all. It's noticeable that all the children of alcoholics on this thread are clearly saying the same. Alcoholism unmanaged is bad for children

CoffeeTea103 · 30/08/2013 08:27

No you are not being harsh, you are putting the interests of your children first and absolutely nothing overrides that.

Sorry to be a bit blunt, but you might have another husband one day bit your kids won't have another childhood

Ilovewaleswhenitrains · 30/08/2013 11:13

Your husband should ask for more help from AA. He is the only one who can maintain his sobriety.

Tapirbackrider · 30/08/2013 11:25

YANBU at all, and definitely not harsh. (dh is an alcoholic)

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