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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be constantly worrying that I am doing things 'wrong' for my baby?

40 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2013 09:52

She is 5m and though I was very anti any kind of GF-style scheduling for sleep, naps etc (no criticism of those who like Gina, it's just not my instinct) we have somehow in the past couple of weeks fallen into quite a structured pattern with daytime naps etc. It works BRILLIANTLY for me as I have started work again (from home) and I can ACTUALLY GET BITS OF WORK DONE while she naps!!!

BUT I am getting a lot of flack from family (mum and MIL)and one particular friend who think I am being 'rigid'.

FWIW these naps have come entirely 'from' DD herself, she naps for two separate half-hours (almost to the minute) in the mornings, 2h40 over lunchtime (again, I could set my watch by her, she stirs after 40min then goes back to sleep) and a catnap around 5pm for 20 mins or half hour ish.

She seems to be getting the right amount of sleep for her, she is crying less and is more relaxed. It is a bit of an imposistion on some activities at the mo though as she really does need that lunchtime nap in particular. I am trying to make things less 'rigid' by sometimes making sure I am out and about (with my laptop) for the long nap so that she sleeps in her pram etc, I do want her to be flexible and not a baby who will ONLY sleep in very certain conditions.

Of course the current situation helps me; I don't have childcare and can't really afford it so of course it is a massive help that I can work while she sleeps.

But I am feeling as if I am imposing something on her for my own benefit, my mum in particular has made it ve clear that she thinks "all this daytime sleep" is silly and controlling, I hear again and again how her children only ever slept for 20 mins twice a day as babies (am not exagerrating) as though this is some badge of honour and the only way to do things. I really feel worried now that I might have accidentally stumbled into rigidity (!) when all I really wanted was some semblance of loose routine and some end to the chaos. But DD seems to be a baby who likes routine, albeit one set by herself (I hope!!!!)

Am having a major wobble and feel like am buggering up parenthood and putting work first :(

AIBU or is everyone else??

OP posts:

quesadilla · 20/08/2013 09:55

do what works best for you and your baby and tell your mum to butt out. Its absolutely no concern of hers how you choose to manage your baby's sleep patterns.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong -- in fact by the sounds of it things are going quite well. Routines work for some and not for others. Go with what works for you.

By the way, your mum sounds like she is the one who has control issues, not you! Is she always that much of a stickybeak?

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2013 09:57

quesadilla - thank you I appreciate it!

Oh, yes, my mum did everything perfectly, don't you know??! Her house was never in chaos, her children were always perfectly turned out... (as it happens, these are both true but the less said about her bad temper, mood swings and impatience the better!!!)

OP posts:

MOTU · 20/08/2013 09:57

My daughter fell into a similar routine at that age all by herself and has always had a fairly regular routine without me imposing it. Ignore them, 5 m old needs at least 3 hours day time sleep plus at least 12 hours at night. Just son rely on it too heavily cos they suddenly change on you!

froken · 20/08/2013 09:58

Yanbu, it sounds like the perfect solution for you and your dd, well done for following her lead.

Maybe point out to your en and mil thay all babies are different and your baby is happy with the way things are.

BrokenSunglasses · 20/08/2013 09:59

It sounds to me like you are doing a great job, and you are responding to your babies needs.

I very much doubt your mum can remember exactly how long her babies slept for and when, although she may believe she is right. And even if she is telling the truth, so what? Her babies were not your baby.

Whatever sleep patter your baby has developed, it won't last that long anyway, babies grow and change so fast anyway.

It's normal to doubt yourself when you are caring for the most precious thing in the world without other unhelpful people telling you you're doing it wrong. But really, it does sound like you're doing great. Stop worrying

Emilythornesbff · 20/08/2013 09:59

You do know you can't win here don't you.
For an alarmingly large number of people the occasion of someone else's parenthood is an excuse for an orgy of criticism. I am simultaneously unsurprised and appalled by this phenomenon.

Most (or all) babies benefit from napping.
Most (or all) mothers benefit from their babies napping.
Some families find a routine that suits them all.
You are doing really well.
Enjoy your baby and her nap times.

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2013 10:00

thanks everyone!

I feel as if my mum thinks I am cracking some whip and forcing her to sleep so I can drink gin and watch movies...

I let her sleep without waking her a couple of weeks ago, she 'found' this long lunchtime nap and has done excatly that ever since!! Which means 2 hours vital work for me

feel as if I need to justify it!!!

OP posts:

mikkii · 20/08/2013 10:00

I never had a routine for DS, he had reflux and lost never slept. The only constant was a walk or trip out each afternoon so DH could nap between shifts.

DD1 was another kettle of fish. At 6weeks she slept 12 - 7, at 3 months it was 7 - 7. Again, that was her not me.

DD2 was different again.

If your baby is happy and her rhythms (rather than routines!) suit you, fantastic. Even after 3 DC my mum still queries my choices, I let it go.

Emilythornesbff · 20/08/2013 10:01

But please don't tell my DH how much you manage to get done with a young baby to look after. He may start to expect more from me

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 20/08/2013 10:02

Yanbu. If it works for you and you are both happy then what's the problem. I'd rather have a happy baby and be seen as "rigid" than deal with overtired hysterical crying because my mum thought dragging us out was a better idea than allowing my baby to nap when she was actually ready.

People don't have to agree that's up to them. But provided what someone is doing isn't hurting or upsetting the baby then it's none of their business

Cuddlydragon · 20/08/2013 10:04

Sounds like you're doing well. My DS loves routine and there are pros and cons for me too. Ignore your mum. Every baby is different and nobody knows your baby like you.

lurcherlieber · 20/08/2013 10:05

But if your dd wants to sleep at these times then it would be cruel and more rigid to reduce her to only 20 minutes sleep a day. It would also be impossible.

Enjoy all this day time napping because it doesnt last forever. Parents have selective memories and recall their 'babies' habits when they were in fact only 2yo.

Tell your mum that youre not imposing anything, your dd wants to sleep at these times and that you know several children who are the same (i have one of them). My dd is 8mo now and she is going for longer stretches when awake and sometimes just has 2 long naps per day but she was similar to your dd at 5mo.

Dont stress, just ignore your mum and make the most of it cos it will soon change! Youre doing great

Sanctimummy · 20/08/2013 10:05

If you baby has got into the routine herself and is happy and you are happy and it's working then what's the problem? Well done

ShoeWhore · 20/08/2013 10:07

A baby led "routine" that works for mum as well? Yes that sounds terrible

Your mum needs to butt out. If her babies only slept for 20mins at a time in the day then I feel quite sorry for her - that sounds like hard work! or perhaps she has amnesia, it's quite common in parents of older children I find! (Inc me)

Pigsmummy · 20/08/2013 10:10

My LO used to have a mid morning sleep, afternoon sleep and a 5pm sleep too, now she just sleeps two hours at lunch time and 12 hours at night but until I thought about it now I wouldn't have remembered all those naps! Maybe your Mums memory is a bit selective? If baby is happy and is getting enough sleep then you are doing well, don't worry. Be vague when your Mum asks you next?

However as she gets older she might sleep less in the day but hopefully a big sleep at lunch time still so you can work (or drink gin and watch movies).

quoteunquote · 20/08/2013 10:10

What does your baby say, because she is the only person who's opinion that is important or relevant,

it entirely between her and yourself,

and what ever you agree works for the pair of you is the right things to be doing.

and that success of communication will serve you well when it matters most (the teenage years) , if your baby trust that you understand her then she will be less frustrated.

If your mother has an opinion, that is lovely, but ask yourself, what she is basing it on, because I doubt she has had much of a conversation with your child lately, she may of had a conversation with her child (you), but that is only half the equation, and not nearly enough to base a change of policy,

each and every baby I have had, has come to a different arrangement as to what works for the pair of us, I think it wonderful they are all so different, and have managed to communicate that.

trust what you baby tells you, and you will grow a solid relationship.

MumnGran · 20/08/2013 10:11

Stick to your guns
You are her mum
You know what is working for her
You don't mention sleepless nights, so the day naps are obviously not in excess of her needs.

Sometimes you just have to sit a doting grandmother down, and say I love you, I know that your routines worked for you, but this is my baby and we do it my way. If you don't like it, that is your right, but please don't keep talking to me about it because it is not your choice or decision.

You don't have to be unpleasant, you can be perfectly polite and respectful about it, but you also need to let them know now that your child is going to be raised your way not theirs.
Otherwise, life will become an endless round of being told that you are not doing it right.

Have the courage of your convictions, and draw the line

BalloonSlayer · 20/08/2013 10:13

Sounds fab!

< whispers > I did the GF routine with all of mine. I was astounded that once my first DC was on it, he never cried, unless he hurt himself. He woke up happy, went down for naps happy, woke up from naps happy, went to bed happy. It was amazing.

Anyone that tells you that's bad for a baby is barking mad.

roweeena · 20/08/2013 10:16

sounds to me like you are doing brilliantly - I would have loved DS to have fallen into a routine so young. The older generation have absolutely no memory of what it is really like. My son is 23 months now and is a nightmare if he doesn't have 2hrs sleep 1-3 everyday. My FIL has come to look after him and despite me telling him this he completely ignored me and my DS slept for 30mins at 9.30am instead! I got hom and my poor son was exhausted and tearful but had obviously had a great day.

My son who usually sleeps through woke 5 times yesterday evening - I was fuming.

Take absolutely no notice of your mum, daytime sleep is essential to growing developing brain and the importance of it cannot be underestimated in my opinion.

My FIL has now said my DS must have had night terrors - err no, he just needs a proper daytime nap!

FoxyRoxy · 20/08/2013 10:16

Your baby has set the routine for herself, some babies like routine and some don't. You've allowed her to set the pace so go with it, they don't sleep that much during the day forever! Also maybe you should show your mum some info on how much sleep babies need because 40 mins a day isn't really that much. Your baby, your way. The end.

Squitten · 20/08/2013 10:18

Happy baby, happy Mum.

That's it, that's the ONLY goal you need to be aiming for and it sounds like you have it. Carry on!

noblegiraffe · 20/08/2013 10:22

You can't force a baby to sleep if they don't want to. And keeping a baby awake when they want to sleep leads to chaos.
Ignore your mum.

NotYoMomma · 20/08/2013 10:28

my dd seemed to be born into a routine and it was totally lush. I just rolled with it and it is brilliant.

I didnt set times but just noticed her patterns and started to fit my dayaround them

pianodoodle · 20/08/2013 10:28

Aw 5 month olds need a nap nothing strange about that at all!

There's a difference between a bit of routine and a rigid military style regime!

We have some "routine" in that meal times are roughly the same and bedtime is around the same time and has a pattern of bath supper then bed, but we don't plan every detail of our day to the last second either.

Do what works and keeps you both happy (sane)

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2013 10:33

A baby led "routine" that works for mum as well? Yes that sounds terrible

This ^

You've found something that works for your baby and for you (happily too).

You're doing great.

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