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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to let these things bother me?? New Dp related

72 replies

smallfaces · 20/08/2013 08:05

I've been with Dp for 3 months. He's a really lovely guy but there's something holding me back. It's all very superficial things but they do bother me. I'm going to sound like a total bitch but here goes....

Firstly he pouts in photos and sits with a duck face if he wants a kiss. It makes me cringe. He's started just sitting with his phone showing me pictures of himself, focusing on a recent holiday of him with his top off, all the time blatantly fishing for compliments - 'look at that rotten body' while shoving the phone in my face. Then there's the sex.... He makes noises like he's a porn star. I'm not exaggerating it's like 'oh yeah, OH YEAH, I'm going to come baby!!' Imagine this with a slight hint of American accent.

On a more serious note, I have a lot of gay/lesbian friends. He knows this so it's pretty obvious not to make any derogatory comments about homosexuals in my company. Whenever a 'gay scene' comes on TV he starts with 'that's disgusting, I don't know how anyone can do that, it's so wrong etc etc!' I've told him that I get it's odd to him but there's really no need to make a big song and dance about it. He still does it.

I know these are all very superficial things and extremely first world problems but I just need to know if I'm bu in letting these things bother me. I'm prepared for a flaming!

OP posts:
thismousebites · 20/08/2013 08:36

Sorry but there's no way on earth I could have sex with someone who acted like a porn star. I would just be laughing too much to actually do the deed.

primroseyellow · 20/08/2013 08:37

If these things are annoying you after 3 months imagine 20+ years of them........He obviously isn't willing to change his behaviour or he wouldn't keep making anti-gay comments. IMO you would be unwise to consider a long term permanent relationship with this man.

Famzilla · 20/08/2013 08:37

Reading that made me cringe. I can't imagine going out with a man who does duckfaces, regardless of the desperate need for compliments and homophobia!

Dump him and tell him why.

DontmindifIdo · 20/08/2013 08:38

BTW - never let the lack of experience in relationships make you over look twatish behaviour - because a) learning not to be a twat is not a lesson that is exculsively available to those in sexual relationships, you can learn how to be a grown up from all interactions with other grown ups and b) never feel it's your job to make someone suitable for you. Just be 'entitled' enough to only want the finished article.

WhatEverZen · 20/08/2013 08:41

If he makes you feel this way so early into your relationship, I think you have little to gain by investing any more time and energy in it.

He does sound pretty immature and his comments are cringe worthy ...sorry

iloveweetos · 20/08/2013 08:50

I think he's gay, bi or confused. So over compensating with sex and being ott about gay scenes. Maybe I'm wrong but it's the impression I get.

Original poster
smallfaces · 20/08/2013 08:54

iloveweetos I kind of thought that for a while too but I didn't want to say incase I was being ridiculous. Does anyone else get that impression?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 20/08/2013 08:59

Hmm, it could be he's being a homophobic twat because he's secretly gay/curious and ashamed of it.

However, in my experience, homophobic twats are homophobic twats because they are homophobic twats.

But either way, confused about his sexuality or just a twat, still book him a ticket to dumpsville.

Montybojangles · 20/08/2013 09:05

I don't think this particularly points to confused sexuality. I know one or 2 men who are that twatish as far as homosexuality, they are just tossers.

(I also briefly dated an older man who did the whole pornstar patter in bed, I assume to impress. I was Hmm quickly followed by Grin quickly followed by [so long saddo smiley]

Montybojangles · 20/08/2013 09:07

Hope my mum doesn't read this as I think she's figured out who I am on here Blush

he was the only man I've ever been to bed with apart from my wonderful OH...and exH....honest

Original poster
smallfaces · 20/08/2013 09:13

Oh dear Monty, my worst fear would be my mum finding out I was on here. My first rule of MN is to never talk about MN.

OP posts:
LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 20/08/2013 09:14

He sounds dreadful!

Montybojangles · 20/08/2013 09:16
Grin
Nanny0gg · 20/08/2013 09:19

Whether he's gay or straight is irrelevant really, everything you have a problem with is not superficial.

Too many issues for you to be comfortable with.

Would you like to go out with him with your friends? I'd be embarrassed if he met my straight friends, let alone worrying about how rude he'd be to the gay ones.

I don't see a future here...

NooothingMuma · 20/08/2013 09:20

I'm not getting homophobe, I think he doth protest too much Grin

DrinkFromMyFountainFKAPedantMa · 20/08/2013 09:22

Yeah, the homophobia is a deal-breaker. But more than that (sorry, yes!) is the fact that you've asked him not to do it, repeatedly, and he's not respecting your wishes.

Although technically I'm with the "LTB" crowd on this one, have one more try at telling him what he's doing wrong. Start by saying something like: "I don't think this is going to work out because ..." See what he says and how he behaves after that.

But, yeah, chances are he won't change.

plantsitter · 20/08/2013 09:23

I was going to post what iloveweetos said.

StuntGirl · 20/08/2013 09:29

Why would you even want to be with a homophobe?

Cheeseatmidnight · 20/08/2013 09:32

You need to end this now before you are in it for too long

QueenofallIsee · 20/08/2013 09:35

He sounds like an adolescent

If I liked a guy I would try to educate him in his views as that can be more ignorance than malice (if there was no joy then I would bin him) but I could NEVER shag someone who talked in a fake american accent..what a complete tool. Next you will confess that he talks about himself in the 3rd person

ProphetOfDoom · 20/08/2013 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumnGran · 20/08/2013 09:38

Doesn't matter a hoot if you are unreasonable or not .....if these things irritate you after 3 months, then how on earth do you think you would feel about them after 3 years ....or 30.

Let the poor guy off the hook and leave him to find someone who actually thinks he is lovely.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/08/2013 09:55

My dh (of 13 years) has various annoying habits. When we had been together 3 months I found them adorable!

If they are annoying you now in 13 years you will be in prison for murdering him. (Or possibly not if you get a sympathetic jury and demonstrate the duck faces very well.)

TroublesomeEx · 20/08/2013 10:22

Start thinking of him as your boyfriend rather than your DP and you'll find it a whole lot easier to dump him.

After 3 months you're supposed to think he's the best thing ever, not cringe and worry about what he's going to say around your friends!

And it wouldn't matter if someone was a "really lovely guy". I've ended it with many a 'really lovely guy' because they just weren't right for me.

If it's not working out and he irritates you, why wouldn't you end it? What possible reason would you have for continuing a such a short relationship with someone who makes you cringe Confused

TroublesomeEx · 20/08/2013 10:24

and who is 'homophobic' which, tbh, is at odds with the 'really lovely guy' descriptor.

Really lovely people aren't homophobic, or racist, or try it on with other people's spouses, or any of the other things that some people are/do but still get described as "really lovely" by some clueless individual or other!

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