Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to go to the wedding?

65 replies

Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 10:47

We have been invited to a very good friends wedding-dh,myself and dcs. Rsvp yes ages ago.

Mil 60th birthday is in the same week and she wants us all to go to a family meal. I told her about the wedding months ago and asked her not to book that date so she had plenty of time to organise it.

Mil is now moaning because she cant book x date because we have a wedding and she cant book x date because sil is working.

We have suggested going out on one of the Friday evenings instead and at the moment this is the plan.

BUT...I know mil-she has form for this sort of stuff and I just know she is going to pull a fast one and say that she cant do a fri and we must have it on x date and can we miss the wedding.

So ladies how can I prepare myself for this battle please?

OP posts:
diddl · 19/08/2013 11:07

I only suggest going to the wedding without him if he'll be a pain in the arse.

Also, OP, do you get on with MIL-if not, you could miss her party-win/win.

(the above may contain a little projectionBlush)

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 19/08/2013 11:09

the wedding invite came first and was accepted so DH will have to suck it up, it would be incredibly rude to refuse it now.

ViviPru · 19/08/2013 11:10

BUT...I know mil-she has form for this sort of stuff and I just know she is going to pull a fast one

I do this. I pre-empt problems before they've even happened, it's hard not to when you're proven right over and over. I hypothesise to DH and start to formulate contingencies and scenarios and before you know it it's become a massive deal. Then when some kind of situation does arise, you've got all of this baggage and can't approach it with a genuine, fresh reaction.

Sometimes it's more productive to just turn a bit of a blind eye and carry on regardless, then if something does come up, you can be genuinely incredulous and state "well as far as we were concerned, the plan was to celebrate with you on Friday, and we are going to a wedding on Saturday and that is that" Your DH would have to just go along with that, it's unequivocal. But if you've got yourself in a tizz with it beforehand, by the time your MiL does kick up a stink, he'll just be sick of the whole thing and lose sight of whom is actually creating the issue...

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:11

Yes dh will be driving as he will not want to drink as will want to get out of there as soon as he can!

Tbh I don't want to go solo with kids as we have been invited to so many things over the years-parties etc-and its always me rocking up with the dcs on my todd while my friends are all there with their dh's because mine refused to go.

Yes pictish-that was me. Every sunday for 15 years. Even if we had other plans they had to fit in around bloody mil and sunday dinner!

OP posts:
VerlaineChasedRimbauds · 19/08/2013 11:12

Does your husband not drink, then pinupgirl? Presumably you are not intending to get blotto, just don't want to have refuse a drink if you are driving?

If there are other children going you probably wouldn't have to do much "looking after" your children as they would meet up/play with others.

The obvious answer really is to go without your husband and with your children and manage the extra expense (if that is feasible). It can often work out cheaper to stay over somewhere than to get a taxi to and from a venue from your home.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:13

We generally get on ok diddl but I think a lot of that is the fact that I had never really rocked the boat up until last year when I put my foot down about sunday dinner.

She is a lot closer to my sil-hence why I know that the bitching will commence!

OP posts:
MrsMangoBiscuit · 19/08/2013 11:13

If she tries to book it on the same date as your friends wedding, I'd turn it back on her. "Do you not want us there? Why would you book it on the one date you KNOW we can't attend? You KNOW we can't cancel the wedding, it's not even an option. Did you choose that date on purpose?!?"

pictish · 19/08/2013 11:14

Yep I remember! Bloody off the scale ridiculousness!

Well this is another one of those occasions, when your mil is going to have to suck it up.
Your dh needs a metaphorical slap upside the head as well. What a fucked up dynamic he shares with her.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:15

I don't drive. No I wouldn't get blotto but would like to have a few drinks.I just don't see why I should have to be the one turning up YET again without my dh like Im a single parent!-quite honestly its embarrassing in front of my friends when they all with their partners.

OP posts:
VerlaineChasedRimbauds · 19/08/2013 11:15

Sorry, crosspost on the drinking issue! DH sounds a bit of a misery. Could he be persuaded to stay over with you all? Make it a holiday?

Then perhaps he could have a drink too and maybe even try to pretend he was enjoying himself.

diddl · 19/08/2013 11:15

"Every sunday for 15 years. Even if we had other plans they had to fit in around bloody mil and sunday dinner!"

Sounds as if you need to stand your ground then.

Sanctimummy · 19/08/2013 11:15

If only you could be so opinionated and forthright in RL with your husband and his family as you are on mumsnet pinupgirl. Maybe you should try it.

YANBU to go to the wedding. It was arranged first.

gamerchick · 19/08/2013 11:16

What would you do with the kids if you missed the wedding and did the meal?

You could always go with that option, leave the kids behind to be sorted by your bloke and give many apologies to your friend if she was looking forward to seeing them.

pictish · 19/08/2013 11:17

vivipru makes a good point.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:18

Yes I had thought of doing that Verlaine but I don't know if dh will go for it due to cost. But its a good idea so thanks.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 19/08/2013 11:18

In light of the fact that your dh is a bit of a misery guts who has let you down on other social occasions then you must insist that he goes with you.

It sounds hard work Pinup.

I hope he backs you up.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:20

Well Im sure we are all far more outspoken on here sancti-its not rl is is? so no one to offend.

I am usually very good about standing up for myself but as I said mil has form. She caused a huge argument with dh and bil years ago over some perceived slight that I had done to her.

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 19/08/2013 11:20

I missed my mums 60th because of a wedding. She didn't mind at all, I saw her for ten minutes in the morning whilst getting ready. Said happy birthday, gave her a card with a holiday for us inside, and said ill see you for sunday lunch tomoro with my brothers!!

That is why I love my mumm! She rocks!!

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:22

I have my issues with my own mum but this isn't something she would make a fuss about-she has told me that I must stick to my guns and go to the wedding!

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 19/08/2013 11:23

I can't believe that your DH would ditch a wedding at such late notice just for dinner with mummy. It's beyond rude. He sounds thoroughly unsupportive and a total mummy's boy.

I don't really see how this is an issue. I could never be so rude as to bail on a wedding at such short notice for a dinner that could be easily arranged for a more appropriate time. This is one where I would find it very easy to stand up to MIL and DH. I would be very unimpressed with a DH who never supported me by attending functions/events too!

BrokenSunglasses · 19/08/2013 11:25

If the current plan is for a Friday and that suits everyone, then your plan of action needs to be to make sure that happens.

Is the table booked yet! If not, could you be the one to book it. Play really nice and tell mil that you'd like to book the table, and if she thinks you are going to be arranging some sort of surprise, then she might go along with it and stick with it. Then you can arrange for a cake at the restaurant or a few table decorations.

If you are showing extra willing to accommodate MIL, then your DH may feel more obliged to go to the wedding and won't try to get out of it.

You need to find your inner powers of manipulation to achieve the outcome you want.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:29

I cant book the restaurant as mil is incredibly fussy. Honestly they have been talking about this birthday for months,been to look at a few places but its now 4 weeks away and they have nothing booked!

They have mentioned a local restaurant and said they may go down and have a look this week to see if they can accommodate us-only 11 people so not a huge party!

But I just know she is going to say oh no they fully booked for the sat so we will have to do it on the Friday!

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 19/08/2013 11:29

That's not much help to you tho. Sorry not everyone can have my mum ;)

I would tell dh that its important to you and make a plan to stick to. Decide when you are celebrating with his mum, either before or after and then tell her before she can start a whinge.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 19/08/2013 11:30

I have to go out but but will come back to thread later-thanks for all the replies. There are some good suggestions and just knowing that I am not being horrible or selfish for sticking to my guns is making me feel much better!

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 19/08/2013 11:36

I still think Tyler is right - go on your own. It is a shame not to have your DP with you and that the bride will not see your DCs, but I think it's a 'you've made your bed' kind of scenario - if he's so entrenched then I don't think he should be rewarded (using that word in the nicest way possible) with a day off childcare.

Saying that - how old are your DCs? If they are older than - I dunno - 7, I wouldn't have any problem having a drink in their presence and getting a taxi. Would they have feelings about this - any preference? MIL will no doubt want anyone in her bloodline to attend the meal - they could perhaps give her a Slytherin mug or something...