Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to think that friends should take your side or is it childish?

35 replies

Laura0806 · 18/08/2013 23:59

Im not normally childish but this has really bothered me. Im 40 so not young but recently a very close friend has quite coldly droppped me as a friend. We used to do a lot together with/without a circle of mutual friends, most of whom she was quite unpleasant about at some point ( although to be fair they don't know). I was mortified as I have never had an issue with a friend before and also felt quite embarrassed ( at my age being dumped for no fathomable reason). She has continued to have parties and get togethers inviting these so called mutual friends ( who were mostly closer to me or so I thought although have become closer to her recently as she is in overdrive replacing me I guess!) which is fair enough but she does it before evenings out which means I have to go alone.These friends , whilst still friendly to me and inviting me out independently haven't shown any loyality in terms of turning down her invites occasionally, making sure i have someone to go with even though I suspect they think she may be at fault.A lot of people in other circles really dislike her but not in this closest group it seems. I understand that noone else wants friction and I don't expect them to not be pleasant to her but if this happened to a close friend of mine I would show a bit more loyalty? Maybe Im being daft but good friends mean a lot to me and this has hurt dreadfully ......

OP posts:

maddy68 · 19/08/2013 00:05

Nope. You are being v unreasonable.

Your friends are still her friend. The differences you have between you and this woman really have nothing to do with them. As much as it hurts you
Can't you try to smooth things over to get back into the circle?
Invite them ALL to yours for a BBQ

Original poster

Laura0806 · 19/08/2013 00:16

thanks for replying. Funnily enough she isn't their friend really and I think that is what really bothers me. She has been vile about one or two of them behind their backs but they don't know. Still I guess I have to live with that and grow up . Hard though!

OP posts:

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 19/08/2013 00:17

Im surprised you need to ask. No, its not normal for adult women to take sides when their friends have fallen out. It allsounds dreadfully juvenile.

FruOla · 19/08/2013 06:06

It sounds as though you've been 'Wendied'.

Terrorvision · 19/08/2013 06:12

FWIW I would expect decent, kind people to be put off by witnessing other people's cruel and manipulative behavior. I have backed off from friends who have been determined to take a 'see no evil' approach when seeing someone else be hurt because it is socially easier. It really made me question what kind of people they are too.

TartanRug · 19/08/2013 06:33

Terror I agree. Its not 'taking sides' which probably a bad choice of words, but I do support friends if I see they have been shat on. One person I was becoming close to bullied their supposed friend to a terrible degree. And I genuinely mean bullied, it was awful. I backed off from this person pronto as I have no desire to have someone like that in my life, but having seen first hand what she put this other woman through I have made a point of showing that I support this other woman.

Lilacroses · 19/08/2013 07:06

I agree with you Op. I was in a dreadful situation a couple of years ago where I had the most awful falling out with a friend. Actually On thebottom it can happen to anyone a d describing it as juvenille is really unfair. I, like the Op, have never before had a major falling out with anyone else in my life.

Anyway I was also really shocked by the way some of our mutual friends beganto blank me or just stood by while this woman bullied myself and my family. I would not stand by and collude with that sort of behaviour and would at least tell the personaffected that I felt upset for them and didn't condone it.

On the plus side many other people truly didn't take sides or were very kind which helped alot. I feel for you. This can be a really upsetting thing to experience.

MelanieCheeks · 19/08/2013 07:21

Your view of things is your own - do these other freinds see things the same way you do? Are they deliberately still seeing the original friend to annoy you or make you feel unsupported? Would they be aware that this is how you feel or what you expect?

It does smack a little of playground politics - have you seen the episode of Big Bang Theory with Sheldon and his list of mortal enemies?

Joiningthegang · 19/08/2013 07:28

I have been dropped by a friend of a decade. I want nothing to do with her and she is the same. I would avoid situations where she is present - but of course other mutual friends are fully entitled to invite her to whatever they choose.
You are being vvvv unreasonable to expect sides to be taken really.

TramadolDaze · 19/08/2013 07:30

Fru0la - was just going to say the exact same thing. Sorry OP but you have been 'Wendied'. This is an actual thing and has been much discussed on MN - an advanced search on Wendy or Wendied should bring up previous discussions on this horrid phenomenom.

shellbot · 19/08/2013 07:41

She has continued to have parties and get togethers inviting these so called mutual friends which is fair enough but she does it before evenings out which means I have to go alone.

I agree that they can see who they want but if they've arranged to go out with you and then change their minds and go out with this woman then YANBU.

Mimishimi · 19/08/2013 07:43

You do sound like you a being a bit childish too to be honest. So long as your friends are still inviting you out, why should they turn down invitations from her? If she's as nasty as you say, that won't last long anyway.

Wishfulmakeupping · 19/08/2013 07:55

She does sound like Wendy material OP. if you say anything to your mutual friends at this point you will look spiteful- dont moan/don't slag Wendy off- they will find out soon enough what she's really like she will slip up soon

Auntlinny · 19/08/2013 07:58

I would expect your friends to offer you some support though. I would keep a dignified silence and wait until it all comes out in the wash.

Retroformica · 19/08/2013 08:04

I tend to be inclusive with bigger get togethers, not take sides with fall outs but always speak up if people are not being fair. I'd expect my friends to do the same.

Retroformica · 19/08/2013 08:05

Can you invite them all out and invite her too?

iwantanafternoonnap · 19/08/2013 08:15

Yep you have been wendied stay dignified and don't let the wendy show you are affected by her behaviour.

It is upsetting and although you can't dictate who people should be friends with it would have been nice if your friends had spoken to you about whats gone on.

Remember most wendy's have to move onto another social circle at some point as they have achieved their aim of ousting someone and making them feel better about themselves.

Trills · 19/08/2013 08:25

If two adults fall out, then others who are friends with both of them should not be expected to "take sides" or to choose between them.

Even if one has (in the other's opinion) done something really unpleasant - presumably the one who did it doesn't think they have done anything wrong, so the mutual friends have two conflicting stories. Unless they already believe one of the parties to be generally untruthful or unpleasant.

LouiseAderyn · 19/08/2013 08:41

If someone just cut me off, then no way would I invite them out or try to smooth things over. You already know what she thinks of you and there is no going back from that.

Keep arranging things with your other friends - maybe do one to one meet ups with them as well as the whole group thing (excluding Wendy). If anyone brings it up with you then say you don't know what you did and leave it at that.

I think that on the whole you will be better off not having someone in your life like this.

SirChenjin · 19/08/2013 08:45

I wouldn't expect to have to take sides - but then I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who behaved appallingly either, so for that reason I would try to distance myself from your ex-friend if I felt I was being pulled into her beatch-gang

Original poster

Laura0806 · 19/08/2013 12:34

sorry, wrong choice of words, I didn't mean take sides, in fact one of the friends Im closest to I actually said I dont expect anyone to take sides but what i did expect was a bit of loyalty so when this person has said things about me which are blantantly untrue, ie that I invited people round and not her (I have the text inviting her aswell) and that she brought me flowers to apologise and that just didn't happen, well I just hoped that poeple would at least say that doesn't sound like x and that at meets before going to an event like we always did , at least one person would think, its not fair that xx has to go alone. Espeically as they know I would never leave anyone out. I appreciate you only have my word, my 'friend' would obviously and does give a different story, I just would have hoped that people who have known me for a while would believe me and be a little bit more supportive as I would them. The firends ( a different group) that have seen her do this beofre do believe me but Im just sad that those that haven't but who know and rely on me for so much don't believe me without evidence if you see what I mean. I agree all very childish but hurtful nonetheless!

OP posts:

JackieOHHH · 19/08/2013 12:48

Something like this happened to me...in that friend A fell out with freind B, I was in the middle but stuck up for freind A as I'd known her longer and freind B was being very unreasonable.
Now? Freind A and freind B are virtually best buddies and I've been dropped.
Freind A actually invited freind B to her birthday do, but first I knew of it were the photos on the dreaded face book!
So, although I consider myself a loyal freind, it means nothing to other people.
And yes, K, if you're reading this you backstabbing, functioning alcoholic bitch, this IS about you

dubstarr73 · 19/08/2013 12:51

I was dropped by my friend for absolutley no reason,she was godmother to my son.But i wouldnt be annoyed if another friend wanted to stay friends or go out with her.None of my business.

Also if shes as bad as you say chances are she was talking bout you as well and all of your other friends are in for a shock

quesadilla · 19/08/2013 12:52

It's hard to know how badly this woman behaved without more context about whether you actually had a falling out over something specific (and if so a bit more detail) or whether she dropped you out of the blue. On the face of it she sounds passively aggressively nasty at best but we don't have her side of the story.

I do understand the loyalty thing and how much that can hurt but you also need to be aware of how tricky this can be as a friend caught in the middle. Unless someone has been really blatantly out of order it's very hard to get into defending them without appearing to take sides.

Elsiequadrille · 19/08/2013 12:57

Well, they don't know exactly what she's really like. Perhaps if they did (I'm not suggesting you tell them what she has said about them) they might behave differently.

Did you ever ask the 'friend' why she dropped you? Was it just because she didn't think you'd invited her>

Flip

1 2