Best friend's DS - should I say anything?

[BeKindToYourKnees]

Not so much an AIBU, more WWYD?

I think that my dearest friend's DS, who has just turned 3, may be higher on the Autistic Spectrum than average and/or have SN.

I noticed when he was 18 months old that he didn't want to engage, play or make eye contact. He cannot speak yet (although his parents do seem to understand his vocal noises) and has never been seen by an HCP.

My friend has never taken him to any baby/toddler groups and last night I was caught between an argument between his Dad (who wants my friend to take him to sociable activities and his Mum (who doesn't).

I didn't know what to say

I wouldn't say anything.

Does he go to nursery or pre school? If he does, I'd leave it up to the staff there to say something if there is anything that needs to be said. And if not, then you could chat about the benefits of early years education rather than telling someone you think her child is autistic.

Say nothing. Just support her and be there for her. Listen when she needs it. When DS2 was about 6, a friend mentioned that he "clearly has Asperger's". I was not happy about her comment at all, and our friendship suffered over it. DS2 was diagnosed with Asperger's three years later, but I still think she should have kept her mouth shut.

There are two separate issues. Firstly, whether the DS has SEN. He may well. Some parents don't want to get their DC 'labelled' or acknowledge they may have additional needs. Not my decision but not my child.

The second issue is the DF wanting to dictate what the DM does with their DS. If he wants the DS to go to social activities, he can take him. I wouldn't want DH dictating what I do with DD.

Are you qualified to make that sort of diagnosis? I agree with Broken Sunglasses - don't say anything.

when you say "can't speak yet" do you mean no words that you can understand at all? are the parents concerned about that? i think it's really hard but i think if it were one of my close friends i might suggest getting help about that. it's a bit more concrete than saying he doesn't engage or make eye contact.

Hmm I feel a bit torn on this. I guess it depends how qualified you are to recognise asd in children. Getting support early can really help both parent and child so for that reason I think mentioning it if you're sure could be a good thing. However as other people have said, it could cause problems with your friend. Personally I would appreciate a friend mentioning to me if they had concerns about my ds so that I could seek professional advice, but only if they knew what they were talking about.

My friend's DGC was similar. Not a word at 3. He's now 5

Won't shut up now...

Don't say anything. It will be picked up at nursery or school.

If the child isnt talking that would be a developmental delay. They said my son was behind with his speech when he was only saying single words at 2 but clearly understood a lot lot more like go put that in the bin please in the kitchen etc but was more physically developed with his movements. Not talking at three would mean he would be referred to speech therapy and for hearing tests.

My ds was taken from me for other reasons but social services would be concerned about social isolation an. developmental delay if he can't talk

dexter no way am I qualified to diagnose any SENs. But I have supported young people at school and at work with SENs. My DF and I are very close but so far I have said nothing

Do NOT tell the parents anything.

He may well have problems, or he may not, but it's not for you to tell friends or acquaintances anything.

My dd is severely handicapped, if anyone other than a professional (at a proper appointment/assessment) had said anything to me I would have been devastated.

By all means encourage interaction through nursery/playgroups where they will pick up on it and refer, but don't involve yourself.

Oh and BTW, my son was three before he spoke a word, but when he dd speak it was in compete sentences, he just chose not to speak. Sometimes things aren't always what they seem!

I read in the mainstream papers a week or so back that 1 in 4 children now get a 'label' so I suppose you have a 255 chance of being correct.

Unless you are professionnlly qualified to make a judgement 6and^ your opinion is ought, then I wouldnt say anything.

may be higher on the Autistic Spectrum than average

Do entertain me this dull Sunday afternoon, what is 'average' on the autistic spectrum?

ok, I will continue to say nothing. It is hard though, when both parents are rowing about him starting at private school nursery, that he isn't potty trained, that no one will be able to understand him etc. Especially when they both looking at me to intervene

I'm going to go against the grain here... if there is a SEN at play here, the sooner it's diagnosed, the better.

I'm not qualified to diagnose but have extensive experience with SEN and a child who is not able to speak at 3 would be a major red flag. YES some children do not speak at 3 and go on to have no further problems but it's VERY unusual. If nothing else, speech therapy would help give him tools to help him be understood whether that's by signing or PECS (picture cards), as well as working on the sounds and communication he already has, which would help him socialise and limit any frustration he may have at not being understood.

It's a difficult thing to broach with people but the sooner the better. In some ways his lack of speech already is a special need.

What country are you from? When's his next childhood check?

Why doensn't your friend want him to go to playgroups? That seems very bizzare. Could it be that she has realised he is developing differently to other children and doesn't want to face it? Could you perhaps talk to her about that element and see what she says? If you were 'in the middle' of the discussion it would not be inappropiate for you to ask her thoughts on it, other things may lead from there, good luck!

When DD was three she didn't speak and would constantly ignore us. We got her hearing tested as we were worried it was impaired.

It turned out she was just a quirky little thing, hearing was fine and speech came all of a sudden in complex sentences. Age 14 she never stops talking.

Small children are all different and develop at different rates so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions and certainly you mustn't say a word to your DF.

If there is a problem it will be picked up by the professionals in due course.

I have mixed views, I can see saying something wont be taken well. It is hard to hear.

On the other hand I have a three year old autistic son, he goes to a special needs preschool, has a speech and language therapist, we have home start and are waiting on Portage Plus.

All these services give us a lot of help and advice on the best way for us to help him progress. They show me ways I can promote his speech, encourage his interaction and work on things like potty training.

He has benefited so much from this support and would be much more delayed without this help. For that reason I would find it hard to ignore it if I saw a child in need of early support and not getting it.

Could you suggest they ask their GP if their child could have a speech and language assessment. Speech and language delay is a lot less scary than mentioning autism and the appointment could start the ball rolling if the therapist has concerns.

Does he use his 15 hours free preschool hours per week? That could be a good starting point.

For what is is worth I knew when my son was eighteen months, it was just convincing everyone else that I wasn't just paranoid!

I would suggest to her to try and get a referral for SALT, as the waiting lists are so long. But I certainly wouldn't try and diagnose him or say anything. People used to comment that my ds might be on the spectrum, his behaviour was similar to your friends ds. But he isn't. Leave the diagnosis to the professionals.

I think you should say something, there are some warming signs there and a faster diagnosis can only help.

waltzingmathilda There are lots of Adult Autistic Spectum tests you can do online - I was just asking how best I can support my friend.

I think you are the wrong person to say something. The most you should suggest is that GPs can refer him for speech therapy, hearing tests, sight tests, child psychologists or which ever professional can diagnose the area of development that they are most concerned about.

My ds1 was 3 before anyone other than me could understand him. (Actually his sister who is 24 months younger spoke before him) Everything turned out fine for him but he had speech therapy and other intervention at pre-school/school.

It isn't the strength of your concerns about the DS which should dictate what you say but what you know about your friend's feelings IMO.

If someone is talking openly about their concerns about their child's development it is not wrong to say 'The best way to allay those concerns is to speak to your GP/HV and ask for a referral to a paediatrician'. You don't need to talk about ASD at this point, it is simply too soon to say and language delay could point to a number of explanations.

OTOH if the message you are getting as a friend is 'I think all is well I do not see a problem' and your friend either isn't seeing an issue (unlikely) or simply isn't ready to talk about it with you then raising your concerns could simply lead to hurt feelings and achieve nothing. Being on hand to provide support if/when she seeks help (and assuming she needs it) will be a far more constructive thing to do.

So err yeah, if she acknowledges there is something atypical about her DS's development it is OK make gentle suggestions about what to do, otherwise listen and wait.

I have a friend whose ds is autistic. She says that she hated the person who initially flagged it to her, but is so grateful now as he has come on in leaps and bounds due to early diagnosis and the subsequent support they received.

Agree with others that gently suggesting speech therapy etc might be a good start.

Personally I feel that saying nothing for fear of offending mum is very unfair to the child if it turns out he does need extra support.