Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL

45 replies

han3459 · 18/08/2013 13:46

Hi all,
This is my first post here.
I have a 11year old DD and recently hosted a meal with my DH, DSIL, her husband and their daughter, my DN. We were sitting at the table eating roast dinner. My DD does not like eating vegetables (big shocker!), but she knows she needs to eat them for her health etc and regularly eats them at home. However, on special occasions I don?t insist she has to have them at all and am happy for her to eat what she wants.
The problem occurred when my niece was sat next to DD and her mother, DSIL, insisted she ate all of the vegetables on her plate before she was allowed to leave the table. I have always been a more relaxed parent than DSIL which does often cause problems as our girls are the same age. My DD is allowed to do a lot more and is a lot less restricted than hers e.g. on special occasions I allow her to wear make-up which horrifies SIL, and she has her ears pierced twice whilst my niece has to wait until she is 14 for her first.
However this day DN had just seemed to have enough. She started to have the ?but my DD doesn?t have to have vegetables? argument with my SIL, but this then expanded into how my DD was allowed to do everything whilst she was allowed to do nothing. This eventually ended with DN in tears eating her vegetables whilst my poor DD sat there looking rather awkward.
However, SIL then made a comment that really annoyed me later in the evening that I always make her look bad in front of my DN by allowing my DD to do what she knows my DN is not allowed to do. This is not the first type of comment like that as she often remarks how my daughter is too grown up for her age and I should be stricter with her. I replied that I wasn?t going to chance how I parent my daughter (particularly in my own home!!!) because she disapproves, as she wouldn?t change what she allows hers to do as she disagrees with me. It was a tense situation!
Am I right to think how I raise my daughter is none of her business. My DD is a polite, respectful girl and we get on great. There are very few arguments in the home and she would never dream of starting a row like DN in front of other people. I believe this to largely be because I allow her freedom (within reason) and we always discuss anything I do disagree to with my giving valid reasons and not just saying no outright, like my SIL. So AIBU here or is my SIL?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Reality · 18/08/2013 13:53

YOur SIl is barking (they all do tend to be in my experience...Wink)

Forcing a child to eat everything on their plate is the quickest route to an eating disorder, you shoudl tell her that.

My kids try the 'but so and so doens't have to' and the only sane and sensible answer to that is, 'so and so is NOT MY CHILD, you are, do as you're told'.

SaucyJack · 18/08/2013 13:54

YANBU to parent your kid up however you like.

Having said that...... she's about ten years too old for the "I don't like vegetables" crap, and you're doing her no favours whatsoever by making out they're some sort of daily chore that doesn't need to be endured on special occasions.

Grow up!

pictish · 18/08/2013 14:07

I'm a bit yeahbutnobutyeahbutno on this really.
It's a conflict of priorities, tastes and attitudes isn't it? Neither of you are right or wrong - just different in every way.

It IS a shame for your niece, and that isn't your fault, but it must feel to her like she's having her face rubbed in it, being alongside your dd. It sounds as though you could tone down the whole 'cool parent' routine when she's around, out of consideration for the poor lass.

pictish · 18/08/2013 14:09

And I know how that reads....and you must be thinking 'why should I?' - but as a laid back parent like yourself, that's what I would do.

Original poster
han3459 · 18/08/2013 14:10

SaucyJack i totally see what you're saying. But the way I see it is she doesn't like the taste of them and so wouldn't eat them by choice. She accepts she has to eat them most of the time because they are good for her but I just don't insist on her having them when we're having a family meal/party etc because I know she doesn't like them. I'm the same really, I don't particularly like them but I eat them because I know they're good for me. But now I choose to have them which I hope DD will start to do too :)

OP posts:
LondonInHighHeeledBoots · 18/08/2013 14:13

It's up to you how you raise you dd and up to SIL how she raises hers. Its not fair for her to want you to change you parenting style because she is stricter than you, and not fair for you to judge her parenting for the same reason. she has no right to say you are making her look bad and I think you responded very well to her comment probably better than I would have done I probably would have made my child eat at least one type of veg but again, my style not yours.

Sonnet · 18/08/2013 14:15

Neither of you are right, just differing parenting styles. Sometimes you have to modify your parenting (either way) for the sake of harmony at am occasion like this

WorraLiberty · 18/08/2013 14:15

Part of being a parent is learning to stick to your guns, but also to adapt to any given situation within reason.

I wonder if the girls are getting caught in the cross fire here and you're both being a bit stubborn perhaps?

In your situation...knowing what your SIL is like, why did you choose that particular meal to tell your DD that she could eat what she wanted?

Are you sure it wasn't to prove some sort of 'point' to your SIL?

WorraLiberty · 18/08/2013 14:17

She accepts she has to eat them most of the time because they are good for her but I just don't insist on her having them when we're having a family meal/party etc because I know she doesn't like them.

Why though?

Are you afraid she'll 'kick off' in front of the family and embarrass you?

SybilRamkin · 18/08/2013 14:18

Agree with Sonnet. Neither of you is 'right', but given that you know your niece will have to eat her vegetables when your DD doesn't have to I think you could modify your parenting for your niece's sake. You're being overly precious about sticking to your way of doing things and not thinking about others, which you're entitled to do but is rather selfish.

SybilRamkin · 18/08/2013 14:19

Meant to add, this only applies at family meals when SIL and DNiece are present - obviously you can parent however you want at any other time!

pictish · 18/08/2013 14:23

I agree Sybil

Original poster
han3459 · 18/08/2013 14:23

Thanks for all your comments :) I agree maybe I could tone it down a little but as pictish said I do often think why should I (which yes I know is stubborn). Maybe have a quiet word with my DD and maybe suggest she has some just for DNs sake?

WorraLierty-I didn't mention it, my dd just takes what she wants from the center of the table, whereas my SIL checks what is on DN plate and insists she adds vegetables or puts them on her plate for her.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/08/2013 14:25

Maybe have a quiet word with my DD and maybe suggest she has some just for DNs sake?

Yeah...exactly. Your poor niece is innocent in this, and must feel like such a plank in these situations...especially at the age they are at.

WorraLiberty · 18/08/2013 14:26

Yes I would do that too if I were your SIL

What I'm asking is, knowing what your SIL is like, why did you make that meal one of the 'special occasions' where your DD didn't have to eat her vegetables?

Unless you were perhaps trying to rub it in a little bit?

pictish · 18/08/2013 14:28

Agree worra - I can't help but disctate an element of gloating here. Sorry OP.

Original poster
han3459 · 18/08/2013 14:29

WorraLiberty- Not at all, I'm sure she wouldn't. If I turned around and suddenly started insisting she'd be a bit huh? cause she know's I'm not bothered. It's never been a big issue, I just allow her to choose what she wants to eat in those situations where everyone just dibs in and takes what they want from the table. Unlike my SIL who insists she has certain amounts of everything.It's not a case where there's a specific known rule where you don't have to have vegetables on special occasions, it's just happened that way. In the same way if we are out for a meal she chooses whatever she wants from the restaurant menu or takeaway, I leave it entirely up to her. :)

OP posts:
Silverfoxballs · 18/08/2013 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExitPursuedByABear · 18/08/2013 14:30

YABU. I love vegetables.

SaucyJack · 18/08/2013 14:30

No wonder she's developed such a silly attitude to food then if she's grown up with a mother who still insists on poking broccoli round the plate like a five year old with a slapped arse.......

Vegetables are not the enemy. They are a type of food no different to all the others. If you don't like a particular vegetable cooked a particular way, then get a cookbook and keep experimenting until you do.

You'll be doing your daughter far more of a service in the long run if you teach her to appreciate ALL types of food, rather than excusing her from eating "nasties" as a treat.

Original poster
han3459 · 18/08/2013 14:32

Maybe I shouldn't have used 'special occasions' to describe what I meant. I just mean when there's people over, parties, family meals etc. It's not like a particular occasion where she knows 'oh I don't have to have vegetables today', just when there's a few people and we all choose our own food. If it was an occasion where food was served individually instead of a free for all, and there were vegetables on it, then she'd eat them just as she would when i give her her dinners. But my SIL will insist she chooses vegetables from the center of the table and they are on her plate.

OP posts:
tryasimight · 18/08/2013 14:33

Yeah the OP could have chosen to make her DD eat her vegetables.

But equally, the SIL could have chosen not to go down this route:

"DSIL, insisted she ate all of the vegetables on her plate before she was allowed to leave the table"

I get that there is an element of being polite and not wasting food that has been cooked for you. But I don't see why she had to eat all of the vegetables on her plate.

If anyone caused the scene, it was the SIL.

WorraLiberty · 18/08/2013 14:34

Right so I get that you make her eat vegetables on some occasions but not others.

And on 'special occasions' you don't insist (your words)

So, knowing what your SIL is like why did you make this one of those 'special occasions' where you didn't tell her to eat a bit of veg...considering you said she knows it's good for her?

It's kind of sounding to me that you're either trying to gloat, or that you can't actually get your DD to eat veg without a fight. Unlike your SIL who seems to be able to?

It's all a bit petty really

But as an aside, you're giving your DD some strange ideas about vegetables. Like it's the 'enemy' and should be eaten as a chore.

Maybe you could try introducing her to some different veg that you don't normally buy? There must be something out of all the different vegetables that she'll actually like and want to eat on any occasion?

tryasimight · 18/08/2013 14:35

"No wonder she's developed such a silly attitude to food then if she's grown up with a mother who still insists on poking broccoli round the plate like a five year old with a slapped arse......."

Wow, what a nasty response. Have you been for dinner with the OP, saucyjack?

Reality · 18/08/2013 14:36

I'm with you, Han.

Today, normal Sunday roast, I will plate up for the children and they will be expected to eat pretty much what I give them (I won't force them though).

But if we were having family round for dinner or it was an occasion, I'd have the meal in dishes and they coudl help themselves. DS1 would probably have a pile of chicken and potatoes and DD woudl have a plate of brocolli.

Swipe left for the next trending thread