To be annoyed at SIL

[han3459]

Hi all,
This is my first post here.
I have a 11year old DD and recently hosted a meal with my DH, DSIL, her husband and their daughter, my DN. We were sitting at the table eating roast dinner. My DD does not like eating vegetables (big shocker!), but she knows she needs to eat them for her health etc and regularly eats them at home. However, on special occasions I don?t insist she has to have them at all and am happy for her to eat what she wants.
The problem occurred when my niece was sat next to DD and her mother, DSIL, insisted she ate all of the vegetables on her plate before she was allowed to leave the table. I have always been a more relaxed parent than DSIL which does often cause problems as our girls are the same age. My DD is allowed to do a lot more and is a lot less restricted than hers e.g. on special occasions I allow her to wear make-up which horrifies SIL, and she has her ears pierced twice whilst my niece has to wait until she is 14 for her first.
However this day DN had just seemed to have enough. She started to have the ?but my DD doesn?t have to have vegetables? argument with my SIL, but this then expanded into how my DD was allowed to do everything whilst she was allowed to do nothing. This eventually ended with DN in tears eating her vegetables whilst my poor DD sat there looking rather awkward.
However, SIL then made a comment that really annoyed me later in the evening that I always make her look bad in front of my DN by allowing my DD to do what she knows my DN is not allowed to do. This is not the first type of comment like that as she often remarks how my daughter is too grown up for her age and I should be stricter with her. I replied that I wasn?t going to chance how I parent my daughter (particularly in my own home!!!) because she disapproves, as she wouldn?t change what she allows hers to do as she disagrees with me. It was a tense situation!
Am I right to think how I raise my daughter is none of her business. My DD is a polite, respectful girl and we get on great. There are very few arguments in the home and she would never dream of starting a row like DN in front of other people. I believe this to largely be because I allow her freedom (within reason) and we always discuss anything I do disagree to with my giving valid reasons and not just saying no outright, like my SIL. So AIBU here or is my SIL?

Thanks!

I don't know why you are getting a hard time, OP, I agree with your laid back approach to vegetable consumption. Plus, it is obviously working for you as you are not the one whose child made an embarrassing scene at a family meal.

I think your idea of having a quiet word with your daughter, to think about her cousins feeling, is an ideal approach and exactly what I would do.

SaucyJack- my DD does not have a silly attitude to food at all. She doesn't like most vegetables, neither do I. Yet we both eat them without complaining. I allow her to choose if she has them or not every now and then in a same way I decide if I don't want them one day I won't eat them. I think it's all about choice and my point was SIL forces DN to eat them all the time which I think creates a much more unhealthy attitude towards them.
In a similar way that if she wants to eat nothing but chocolate on Christmas day, then I don't mind. Luckily she loves Christmas dinners! I just don't see the point in forcing them down her throat.

I agree with the op.

A standard roast dinner at home the DC are encouraged to eat the vegetables on the plate, but if we go out to the local cavery then they can pick.

Well then neither of you are in the wrong are you?

But I'm detecting just as much of a judgey tone from you about how your SIL does things, as I detect a tone from your SIL about how you do things.

Just parent how you parent - both of you!

Also my point here was less about the vegetable issue and more about changing parenting styles with SIL. I can understand the issue with the vegetables and as said, it wouldn't be the end of the world for DD to do things to make DN feel better. But where does it stop? If my DD turns up at family dos in make up SIL will often tut when DN asks to wear some. She has also made comments such as 'well you don't need make up darling', which I think could upset my DD. Luckily she doesn't bat an eyelid. I understand my SIL disagrees but I don't think it's fair to my DD to stop her doing something she knows I don't mind just because SIL disagrees. Also by make up I'm not talking Alice cooper style, just a bit of powder, mascara, lip gloss etc

I don't like all vegetables and my dcs don't like all vegetables so I make what I know they like, I wouldn't force myself to eat something I didn't like the taste of so why wouldn't expect my dcs to eat something they didn't like just because they'd better do as I say.

So OP I agree with you, forcing your child to eat something they don't like is not the way I parent.

I get what you're saying OP, but as with most things like this, someone has to be prepared to rise above and make some compromises. Think of it not as concedeing to your sil, but being considerate to your niece.
Regards the make up - your sil is very rude to tut at your dd like that.

Well your SIL is going to have to get used to that kind of thing.

I hate seeing children wearing make-up and having pierced ears/double piercing etc.

But my children accepted quite early that they can't have things/do things just because other kids are allowed to. Your DN needs to accept this too.

But you're SIL is right to make comment the that her DD doesn't need make-up, so I don't see why your think that could upset your DD. Surely your DD knows that no children need make-up?

Simple solution...

Serve vegetables from a variety of plates in the middle of the table. Every guest helps themselves to whatever selection of vegetables they wish to eat.

No unwelcome veggies on plate, as every guest over the age of three has served themselves.

Doesn't everyone do this?

Agree about the make-up, your SIL is being rude - it's your decision, same as with the ear piercing, and she should get over herself.

WorraLiberty-My DD just likes to wear it and I see no problem with it. I always tell her she doesn't need it but if she asks for it I won't say no, especially with regards to concealer etc. I am probably reading too much into it but SIL made a big deal of how DN didn't need make up and how it was unnecessary in front of everyone etc whilst DD was stood there. Should also point out SIL is always caked in it which is hypocritical to me.

NonnoMum- Yes that's what I think should be done. Unfortunately not, SIL often chooses DN's dinner for her :/

I imagine it must have been quite hard for both of you...having girls born around the same time.

Probably quite easy to fall into the trap of competitive parenting and point scoring.

But you both need to relax and stop judging each other.

So what if she puts veg on her DD's plate?

So what if you don't?

So what if she 'cakes' herself in make up, she's a grown woman...not an 11yr old child.

So what if you allow your child to do these things.

Just relax the pair of you and stop with the judging.

Do other family members pick up on all this? What do your partners think?

It all sounds very stressful and finger pointy.

Well, you and SIL are bringing up your girls in different ways so there is always going to be a bit of disapproval between you. It's not right, however, to argue about it in front of your dds,

I remember, at that age, envying my best friend because her mum let her do everything that my (vv strict) parents forbade. She was allowed pierced ears, boyfriends etc and I wasn't.

Re the veg - do you and dd really hate ALL veg? Is there any way you could find veg that you like, rather than having to eat it out of duty?

NonnoMum, from the OP's description this is precisely what is happening. And the SIL is kicking off because the OP is not supervising her dd and making sure she puts x amount of vegetables on her plate.

Me, I would make a distinction not between special functions and everyday, but between set dishes or a buffet situation. To me, a buffet is where you pick the bits you want, a set dish that you are given it is polite to eat.

But since in the OP's house, parties seem to be more of the buffet style, I can't see that the dd is wrong to pick the bits she likes.

I can totally see your point OP . It's nothing to do with how she parents her dd , but to do with the fact that she is making comments on your chosen parenting style ? I can see how that would be annoying but you really should just try and ignore it . FWIW I don't see anything wrong with how you have chosen to parent your dd

I wouldn't change my parenting to ward off another kids tantrum over what their parent forces them to do. The only response you need for your sil is 'you parent in a way that makes you happy, i'll do it mine, now mind your own business'.

Her parenting is wrong anyway, no child should be forced to eat food they dislike (tasting would be different) and certainly not forced to finish their plate, that's a guaranteed way to give them eating problems which could lead to something more serious. If she wants her daughters meals to be an unpleasant battle that's her problem, she can live with the consequences, don't punish your own daughter for it.

I can see both sides of this, but my sympathy lies with SIL and her dd.

As a parent, it is very difficult to send your child a clear message that there are some things they just have to do because they are good for them when other parents think those things are unimportant.

It's like school packed lunches. I find it very unfair on the children and on parents who just want to do their best by their child and encourage healthy eating when other parents couldn't give a shit and pack chocolate and crips every day with no fruit or veg at all. It undermines something that children should learn.

If you don't care that your dd doesn't have any veg with her main meal of the day, which presumably a big family meal would be, then that's up to you. But you do have to realise that while its fine for you to parent differently, you are going to be undermining someone else's parenting, and that's going to be hard on them.

I find it bizarre when parents take other people's parenting of their own children personally.

My kids know that they aren't allowed certain things, have to do certain things because of their own good/my principles, I explain my reasons to my children and they're happy to go with my rules, my sister is more relaxed and her kids have way more than mine do, my girls would love to have what their cousins do but it doesn't make them miserable they don't, they know why I do things the way I do and are by and large happy.

Same with packed lunches, my kids get the chocolates & crisps and whatever at home they know they'll be hungry very quickly again if I gave them that in their lunchboxes so aren't upset I don't give them it. I always give them lunches they like and will eat and be filling.

I don't expect other parents to modify their parenting around my kids. It's life, my kids need to know not everyone in life has the same rules/wealth/freedoms you get on with it, it's a good life lesson.

I think it's hard on the other parent when the child sees another child being allowed things or given things that they're not allowed. But obviously we all have to do what we think best and we won't all think the same.

The thing about vegetables is a bit weird. You're grouping such a lot of different items together and saying you and your dd don't like any of them. I would insist that they are an important part of the meal and just let her try different ones and different ways of cooking or serving them, maybe get her involved in the preparation and serve them to look attractive. It's fine not to like some foods. If you don't want to eat broccoli, that's OK. If you don't want to eat broccoli, peas, sweetcorn, pepper, tomatoes, sprouts, lettuce, watercress, potatoes, cucumber, mushrooms, cauliflower, runner beans, onions or spinach or anything you think might be called a vegetable, that's not OK. I think you've passed on your own prejudice to her.

But you do have to realise that while its fine for you to parent differently, you are going to be undermining someone else's parenting, and that's going to be hard on them.

That argument can be just as easily turned around on the SIL though, if she's criticising OP's parenting - especially in front of OP's DD - then she's also undermining someone else's parenting.

What's striking me here is that there's no indication that the argument at the table was dealt with, at 11 years old or there about there is absolutely no excuse for poor manners at the table. Both DC are old enough to be told that different parents have different expectations in different situations, neither parent should have to compromise on that. For OP to tell her DD that she has to choose veg when SIL and DN are there because it's unfair on DN...I can't see how that is modelling mature behaviour (more like giving in to emotional blackmail and bullying!). Surely OP should be modelling tolerance for other people's viewpoint, not blanket acquiescence to them (which is what she appears to have done)?

OP YANBU at all...and it seems as though your DD has more manners than your DN!