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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm struggling to accept PIL

34 replies

Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 12:19

To try to cut a long story short my PIL were awful to me at the beginning of our relationship, refusing to attend our wedding, commenting to another family member that it wouldn't last and shouting at me for sustained periods when I refused to 'do as I was told'. As a result the relationship has always been strained. I have never stopped them seeing their GC or DS and have remained polite. However, I always feel incredibly wound up when I see them and struggle to chat to them freely. In fairness they seem to have accepted our relationship and know now that they cant get away with shouting at me! My DH is annoyed by my frostiness and feels that after so long I should just let it go and move on but I can't! AIBU?

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/08/2013 12:23

I hold a grudge and would struggle to let those feelings go if I was in your shoes.

How long since the wedding?

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/08/2013 12:24

YANBU but I can also understand your DH's frustrations - he just wants a quiet life doesn't he?

Tough - they were happy enough to treat you badly at the beginning so it's UR to expect you to throw out everything you know about them in the name of playing nice. Polite and frosty is good going imo

If your DH isn't happy then he needs to get off to a nice uni, become a psychiatrist and do some serious stealthy family therapy - failing that he just needs to remember that sharing a family tree does not mean normal social rules go out of the window.

Original poster
Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 12:25

It was ten years ago which I know is a long time and I'm known for holding grudges! They were just so nasty at times that I feel by tolerating them and never getting in the way of their relationship with their DS and GC that I am doing my bit.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/08/2013 12:27

I agree with you and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

What does dh want, big hugs all round , holidays and cosy meals together?

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2013 12:27

Oh well, so long as they've decided to be alright with you eh?

Does your DH think you should suddenly forget all the shouting/tantruming at you?

You have a right to an opinion too, at the moment it sounds like you think they're nasty fuckers, but until some time has passed and you can see they're not like that any more, he should be impressed by the frostiness, at least you're talking to them.

What made them change do you think?

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2013 12:29

It doesn't matter that it was ten years ago, once they've acted like that they've just shown what kinds of people they are and what they're capable of.

If you don't like them as people that's not going to change with the passing of time.

waltzingmathilda · 18/08/2013 12:32

In fairness they seem to have accepted our relationship and know now that they cant get away with shouting at me! My DH is annoyed by my frostiness and feels that after so long I should just let it go and move on but I can't!

I'm known for holding grudges!

What is the background though? Why didnt they like you at the beginning?

Original poster
Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 12:34

They have fallen out with other family members and I think that as they have got older they have realised that trying to be the old fashioned head of the family and you do as you are told isn't working!

In fairness they haven't really been mean to me for several years as we see them infrequently and I keep out of their way. I can see my DH pov in the sense that none of us aren't getting any younger and they promise not to shout at me anymore but I'm just not interested. He says that he has seen a real change in them and we should just move but I can't help how angry I feel when I see them.

OP posts:
MrsBri · 18/08/2013 12:34

I feel for you. I struggle with the relationship with my PiL for very similar reasons (FiL kicked off when we got engaged and essentially assassinated my character when we told them we were engaged. They also didn't speak to me for almost a year / didn't attend our wedding last October).

Mine started speaking to me again when we told them I was pregnant last December. The biggest sin to me is not being adult enough to come to the wedding, which ruined the planning but thankfully not the day. I feel so bad for DH about it though.

They do behave well now, it has to be said, and have bought a great deal of stuff for DD. I'm still struggling on occasion, however. :-/

So, marking my place and reading the responses with interest.

Original poster
Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 12:39

They didn't like me at the beginning as I have my own opinion and don't automatically fit with what I'm told. For instance they planned all of the other sibling weddings (male and female) but my DH planned our own and I was accused of planning it with my own mum and excluding her when in fact we had a small wedding that we quickly planned, through choice, on our own to suit our needs.

We all met as a family and MIL had thought we were going to go round to their house to talk through the plans but we were short of time and I got told that I should tell DH that that was what we had to do and I was of the opinion that he can decide for himself. I don't dictate to anyone!

OP posts:
waltzingmathilda · 18/08/2013 12:42

In short you are both stubborn, but they've had the grace to move on whilst you still bear a grudge. Is that a fair summary?

fouroneone · 18/08/2013 12:43

YANBU
I'm not one to hold grudges and I also believe life is too short but if my in laws treated me like that then the best they would expect is some basic civility until they apologised. Then they will get a few pleasantries too.

Original poster
Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 12:45

Possibly! I am admittedly a stubborn bugger I know but in my opinion you can't treat someone like sh*t and then when it's not working decide that we should all move on and love one another. I let them stay at the house when they visit and like I say am polite but I hate it and can't wait for them to go home. I wear my heart on my sleeve and struggle to fake it I guess.

OP posts:
ImNotABarbieGirl · 18/08/2013 12:48

Hmmmm not sure on this one, I can completely see where you are coming from, however it seems like they realised how awfully they behaved and have tried to make amends since no?

I don't know. I think its better to forgive but never forget for your own sanity. Bare in mind however that I have cut contact with both my parents and cannot follow my own advise. So do feel free to ignore! [Grin]

Shrugged · 18/08/2013 12:50

But have they apologised for their bad behaviour? I would only think you were being unreasonable if they had said sorry sincerely and you were still holding a grudge.

I would also be deeply dubious if someone expected me to be grateful that they had promised 'not to shout at me any more'...

ImNotABarbieGirl · 18/08/2013 12:52

Have they ever actually apologised OP? That Would be the clincher for mei think.

ImNotABarbieGirl · 18/08/2013 12:55

X post with Shrugged. Got to get faster at typing. Blush

Original poster
Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 12:58

They have never actually apologised to me but said to my DH that they know that they didn't behave properly but it's never been raised between us. It's like we all just try to pretend that it didn't happen and we move on. I'm the one who is struggling to do this. I know it's daft, but it's almost like saying it was okay that you did that and we will all conveniently forget it happened. I'm not suggesting that we dwell on something in depth that took place a decade ago but some sort of acknowledgement would be nice! I would go to family gatherings and have nearly all of the family ignore me as she had been busy bad mouthing me and we are the only ones who live away. I hated it. We don't see the rest of the family now really as they have all fallen out between themselves and we are not involved in it but it means get togethers never happen as they once did.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 18/08/2013 13:35

Sounds like you need to say that to your DH.
Maybe they don't mention it as deep down they're embarrassed and fear they'll be going back to the 'dark days' if they bring it up.
I suggest sitting down with your DH and saying that you can't ever really forget but you can move on if they could call / email / write you to say they know they "didn't behave properly" and are sorry for how it made you feel.
They you need to work at letting go of the grudge or it'll be poison between you and DH

pumpkinsweetie · 18/08/2013 13:43

Although 10y ago yanbu especially if they have never apologised.
Your dh obviously wants the quiet life and suck it up but it isn't that simple when your feelings have been bashed.

SybilRamkin · 18/08/2013 13:48

To be honest, I'd move on. They've accepted that they were in the wrong (albeit to your DH rather than to you) and just want to establish a relationship. I'd give it a go - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying our the hand of friendship. If it doesn't work, well, you'll be in the same situation you're in now. If it works, then great, you've been the bigger person, forgiven them, and helped them become better people.

It's hard though, I know. Good luck!

Kaekae · 18/08/2013 13:53

I understand where you are coming from. I have been together with my DP for 15 years and find it hard spending time with my inlaws. I am civil to them but won't go out of my way to spend time with them etc. They treated me very badly when I first got together with my DP. I was 19 and they did some horrible things. They are much nicer to me now but I can't forget how they made me feel. My DP has accepted the fact I will never have a close relationship with his family.

Original poster
Strictly1 · 18/08/2013 14:08

Thank you all for your input. You have certainly given me food for thought and in many ways told me what I already knew! I need to let it go even if if it is hard Hmm

OP posts:
zipzap · 18/08/2013 14:11

Maybe you should point out to your dh that actually you have come on a long way since they behaved so dreadfully to you back then. and that if you still really held a grudge that you would actually be so much worse to them - not allowing them to see the children or talking to him etc etc.

So actually you are doing really well.

And by turning it around and saying that what life could have been if you hadn't changed at all will make him realise that hopefully...

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 18/08/2013 14:16

I don't think you need to do anything different, you are polite to them and really that's all you need to be

They behaved terribly, when you behave like that you can't just expect everyone to forgive and forget especially without an apology

Even if they hadn't been as awful to you, there is no law saying you have to be bosom buddies with anyone - relative or not. As long as you are civil and polite then I really can't see what more your DH expects of you