To ask how best to deal with this situation with my niece/sil

[aworriedaunt]

Name changed

We had our niece to stay for a week during the summer holidays, DN is 10. She is very overweight and lives off junk at home, doesn't have 3 meals she admits and we have seen her pick throughout the day. Although when she was here she are 3 meals and only snacked on fruit, she only would eat an apple or banana but better for her than crisps.

Her relationship with sil is at rock bottom, dsil also has an 8 yr old son, who according to dsis has "issues" and needs a lot of attention. He has been testing for various things aspergers, autism but nothing has come up. He is under stimulated and has no boundaries.

Dsil has major issues with depression, stress, ocd, anxiety and spends her whole life on the edge. It seems everyone in the family are too scared to say anything to her in fear of sending her over the edge. They cutting herself off.

She will freely admit that she does not find parenting easy, and as her parents were strict with her and dh she has gone completely the other way, she does not say no to them, shouting is her preferred method of dealing with DN.

When she came to stay DSIL asked me have some girly words with her to find out why she is so angry, sad, and naughty all the time. I thought it was a bit strange the way she put it but said we would have some time together just the 2 of us for a chat.

Its hard for us as 6 months ago we moved 300 miles away.

When my DN was here she was lovely, and played nicely with my kids 12, 8 and 6. She asked me why I never shouted at my kids, I said I do occasionally but usually a tone of voice stops them from misbehaving, a few times my kids lost a privilege and she was amazed I did that for bad behaviour but said that's actually a good idea. Well after a few days we had chance for a chat and she opened up and poured out what makes her sad, she said when I feel sad I eat and I feel sad a lot of the time :( she never has any time with her mum as she is always fussing over her DB, I said what about a bedtime, apparently neither have a bed time they go up when they want and DN always has to go up before her brother as he cries if not.

She has told me lots of things that I clearly need to mentioned to dsil to help make DN life easier, and improve their relationship as DSIL clearly is no aware what the problems are. DSis is worried about DN's weight but doesn't say anything when DN has 2 packets of crisps for breakfast !

Really frustrated and do not know that best way to handle it, as if handled wrongly Dsil will revert to her shell and shut out the outdoor world.

Dsil works full time and her dp is an alcoholic

Both kids are struggling at school and need 1-1 help with learning.

The tv, wii, xbox ds are the kids babysitters. Dsil with her anxiety etc can just about manage to make it to work, the local supermarket and her dp's mum house to collect the kids, she will not venture anywhere else, the weekend they are all cooped up indoors.

All we did with DN was our usual stuff picnic at the park, feed the ducks etc etc DN acted like it was a trip to Disneyland.

MIL has previously tried to talk to her about stuff SIL has listened said OK then pretty much cut MIL out of her life as she can not handle the criticism.

DN cried all morning before she went and SIL said she must of had a good time as she sobbed her heart out all on the way home. SIL did not come to collect her, it was her dp's dad.

How on earth do I go about dealing with this?, in the past its say nothing to upset her, but I know I need to do something as DN is miserable.

Wow that's long, tried to give as much info as possible.

Thanks if you have got this far.

You SIL sounds as if she is not coping at all. She may be projecting her anxieties onto her son and he may have issues at all, bar that he has no boundaries. Her husband is an alcoholic and I wonder how much help he is - he is barely mentioned here and that perhaps indicates that he is not much support.

Is there any possibility that her daughter could come and live with you for a while? Being sad all the time is really disturbing and obviously her eating is for comfort. Is it something you could talk about? Otherwise - there are parental help places but your SIL would have to be willing to accept the help. It is never easy when this is making so many people tense and unhappy.

There are no 'baddies' here - simply a family who really need help.

Well done too - you already have three children of your own and you have been a kind and supportive aunt, without getting judgemental or wading in. Your niece has a friend in you.

Sorry - 'may NOT have issues'

Your post made me so sad, not just for your DN but for everyone involved.

My knee jerk reaction on reading it was to try everything you can to have DN come and live with you for a while.

Then I thought, actually maybe it's your DNephew who needs to come and stay, to give SIL one-on-one time with her DD without the "distraction" of DNephew at bedtime etc and allow you to see what DNephew is like to live with so as to best support SIL with the issues he has (or to see if his issues improve once away from home?)

But actually the problem with both those scenarios is that you live 300 miles away and have three kids of your own - you may or may not be in a position to accommodate either of those arrangements.

I can just imagine you calling up SIL and telling her what her DD told you, and it going horribly wrong. However, you mention SIL's mum lives locally to her. Could she be an ally in getting SIL to the point that she will accept help to deal with her anxiety? Maybe you could call her, say what you said in your post above and discuss how best you and possibly other family members could support SIL and her family?

Or perhaps her DP's dad (DNiece's granddad that picked her up) - could he be another ally? If he drove 300 miles and back to get DNeice is he someone who could help in some way?

Thanks PUNK no her dp is no support at all, in fact when he is around she is more like a single mum to 3 kids.

No one in the family are convinced that there is anything wrong with our nephew other than lack of boundaries.

I would love DN to come and stay, but not sure DSIL would like that idea as we are so far away. But I will mention it to her.

SIL would not take outside help as this would mean she is a failure on her eyes, nobody else would see it like that that only her and her dp. They are getting some support at school but the area they live in, there are a lot of problem kids.

If it wasn't for her DP who is very friend has his drinking buddies I know SIL would move near us, but she would never leave her dp and he would never leave the area he lives in. It is so sad and I feel hopeless.

If I am honest Xiaoxiong I would not want nephew to come and stay. He would be far too much hard work. My youngest is frightened of him as when we meet up, he has been very vile to her, she is a chatty girl and he has a limited vocab and takes his frustrations out by waiting till he thinks no one is looking and hitting her and stamping on her foot. When my eldest saw he he went over and pulled nephew off her and said you ever touch my sister again I will deal with you myself, nephew then tried to headbutt him and ds pushed him on his bum, his mum witnessed this and said good for my ds maybe her son might learn from him !!

Hence why the visit before we moved were very sparse and dd stayed rooted to her brother.

No MIL lives in Spain now and they do a casual email once a week that is their relationship that is all sil is prepared to offer MIL at the moment. The only reason dp's dad came to pick her up was he was paid and has friends halfway up the country. Niece says that when he looks after her he just sticks her in spare room watching telly.

It is very sad and its really gotten me down. I so feel for SIL as she has no family and no friends where she lives (her dp moved her into his world) and she lives in her little bubble.

aworriedaunt why don't you phone NSPCC for advice to see if they can make suggestions that you haven't thought of or at least point you in the direction of the right sort of help for both your SIL and your DN? I'm guessing your SIL is your DH's sister? Has he nothing to say about her issues? Does he have any sway with her? It seem awfully sad for your DN to live this way, more so if nothing is done because of SIL's reluctance to hear any criticism of her parenting. I honestly think the only way to get through to her is some 'tough love' i.e being blunt and insisting she either gets help for her own issues to enable her to face up to what needs to be done or involving outside agencies that will address things, probably in a way she simply won't like or have much say in.

Sorry I've nothing more constructive to add, I can see its a really difficult situation with no easy answers, mainly because of your SIL's reluctance to face up to the seriousness of the situation.

I know this is pretty drastic and a long shot, but - is there any way your niece can come and live with you? Poor girl sounds like she's slowly getting eroded in her household.

And as an aside, this really irritated me: ''He has been testing for various things aspergers, autism but nothing has come up. He is under stimulated and has no boundaries.''

I see so many parents who are simply not giving their kids enough discipline, structure or rules, who are desperate to find some sort of external reason for it (of course there are children with autism, Aspergers, etc.), something that absolves them of any responsibility.

Yep Waddlecakes that's exactly what has annoyed us. As soon as he toddled he was strapped in his buddy infront of the telly, he never gives eye contact. She has even said to others that I am lucky to have 3 kids born good!! No child inho is born good or bad.

Yes its my dh's sister, to be honest he is pissed off with people pussy footing round her, he doesn't have much contact with her, she is closer to me than him. On a recent visit nephew climbed on dh who said be careful as he was jumping near his "favourite area" nephew did not like being told that slapped dh on top of the head, got down kicked him and ran off, sil said don't mind him he just excited to see you. DH then said yeah right I off. Do not blame dh. I have always been firm with nephew and he has never done anything to me, so he knows what he is doing.

NSPCC is a good idea. I am at the point of wanting to be tough on sil, all that is stopping me is that if she goes quiet I will not get info on DN.

Could you get your niece a mobile phone as her 'auntie hotline'? You could call her or she could call you.

Poor, poor children, it sounds so miserable for them and for SIL. Any chance she'd consider parenting classes or family therapy (though I appreciate that's expensive)?

If her husband is an alcoholic she may be able to get help through the AlAnon network, is a network very similar to AA but for the families of alcoholics, they do special ones for the children of alcoholics and are very good generally with dealing with the issues children of alcoholics have - most commonly eating disorders, depression and behavioural issues. I recognise a few of your DN's comments from my own childhood and issues with eating.

I am willing to lay an awful lot of money on the issues in this family being down to his alcoholism. AlAnon might help your SIL see that.

waddlecakes- Having SN does not 'absolve responsibility' for a parent.

It is not straightforward to get a dx for ASD and many children are diagnosed later in life. No diagnosis does not mean no issues.

OP you sound like a lovely aunt to your DN. I agree that it sounds as if your SIL is struggling. It must be very difficult for her with an alcoholic DP. If her ds does have undiagnosed SN life may be very difficult with no support.

Thanks all for replying.

The family say he is an alcoholic as he gets up and by mid morning has a few beers and by the end of the day is passed out on the sofa after drinking a bottle of vodka, he works now and again a bit of this and a bit of that, but will always have the bottle of vodka, sil has head in the clouds and describes him as liking his drink, and has a bottle as he would not sleep without.

Polter I sympathise with anyone having to deal with a child with SN but the only reason he has been for assessments is on sil insistance that there must be something wrong with him. He is having help at school because he is delayed, but at school he can seem to follow the rules, and also in the past when we lived near sil we would take him out and once he was alone with us pretty much followed what would be expected of him, as soon as we walked through the door it was like a light switch he would revert back to the way he always is at home. Other family members have said the same after taking him out. On our last visit I was talking to SIL and nephew wanted her attention she said in a minute so he walked up to her picked up the nearest object (a large toy car) and started hitting her on the arm with it, she ignored him so he started kicking she only responded when he bit her and drew blood and ran off laughing.:(

I think I am going to have to organise a visit down there really soon so I can speak to sil, I am sure I can get other family members to come with me and take the kids out while I have a chat to her.

Had some good advice thanks :)

What Poltergoose said.

Seriously though? her DP is an alcoholic, she has two children with some SNs and her mum has moved to spain and you wonder why she is struggling?

but at school he can seem to follow the rules, and also in the past when we lived near sil we would take him out and once he was alone with us pretty much followed what would be expected of him, as soon as we walked through the door it was like a light switch he would revert back to the way he always is at home. Other family members have said the same after taking him out

So? you really don't know what you are talking about. sorry.

My son can follow the rules at school, he is still autistic though. it is not uncommon for children with such issues to be able to 'hold it together' at school, but once at home they come undone.

I think you are wrong for assuming your sil is seemingly trying to make an issue of nothing, children dont get 1-1 support if nothing is wrong!

aworriedaunt :( I honestly don't know what the hell I would do. I would want DN to come and live with us, but if that couldn't happen (for whatever reason) then I just don't know... I'd be worried that whatever I did would make it worse for DN.

Also, even if DN does come to live with you, there is still DNephew to worry about :(

Best of luck x

It's quite common for children with SN to hold it together at school and then explode when back with their parents as they're then in a safe space.

Thanks for explaining that.

I really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to post.

After an afternoon with my stuck up brother and his stuck up do-gooding wife, my ds returns and I am faced with pure hell as a consequence of his finally being able to relax and let go and express his utter bewilderment and pent up anxiety from their harsh and for him, cruel expectations.

He has ASD.

I am willing to lay an awful lot of money on the issues in this family being down to his alcoholism

Please listen to London

Your DN and DN. should NOT be being brought up around someone who cradles himself to sleep with a bottle of vodka every night. Your SIL sounds like she enables him, she needs to see how unhealthy and damaging this behaviour is, and to start putting her kids first.

Sadly, IME this rarely happens spontaneously. You may need to make yourself very unpopular by intervening or you may need to practise detachment and let your niece know where you are whenever she needs you.

You sound so lovely and the situation is so tragic and so common.

Abuse of alcohol destroys childhoods.

SIL is to blame for her dp's alcoholism now as well is she?

'sounds like she enables him'

She didn't cause it, no.

But joking about a man who drinks a bottle of vodka a day as 'needing his bottle' is hardly a healthy attitude is it?