To ask how best to deal with this situation with my niece/sil

[aworriedaunt]

Name changed

We had our niece to stay for a week during the summer holidays, DN is 10. She is very overweight and lives off junk at home, doesn't have 3 meals she admits and we have seen her pick throughout the day. Although when she was here she are 3 meals and only snacked on fruit, she only would eat an apple or banana but better for her than crisps.

Her relationship with sil is at rock bottom, dsil also has an 8 yr old son, who according to dsis has "issues" and needs a lot of attention. He has been testing for various things aspergers, autism but nothing has come up. He is under stimulated and has no boundaries.

Dsil has major issues with depression, stress, ocd, anxiety and spends her whole life on the edge. It seems everyone in the family are too scared to say anything to her in fear of sending her over the edge. They cutting herself off.

She will freely admit that she does not find parenting easy, and as her parents were strict with her and dh she has gone completely the other way, she does not say no to them, shouting is her preferred method of dealing with DN.

When she came to stay DSIL asked me have some girly words with her to find out why she is so angry, sad, and naughty all the time. I thought it was a bit strange the way she put it but said we would have some time together just the 2 of us for a chat.

Its hard for us as 6 months ago we moved 300 miles away.

When my DN was here she was lovely, and played nicely with my kids 12, 8 and 6. She asked me why I never shouted at my kids, I said I do occasionally but usually a tone of voice stops them from misbehaving, a few times my kids lost a privilege and she was amazed I did that for bad behaviour but said that's actually a good idea. Well after a few days we had chance for a chat and she opened up and poured out what makes her sad, she said when I feel sad I eat and I feel sad a lot of the time :( she never has any time with her mum as she is always fussing over her DB, I said what about a bedtime, apparently neither have a bed time they go up when they want and DN always has to go up before her brother as he cries if not.

She has told me lots of things that I clearly need to mentioned to dsil to help make DN life easier, and improve their relationship as DSIL clearly is no aware what the problems are. DSis is worried about DN's weight but doesn't say anything when DN has 2 packets of crisps for breakfast !

Really frustrated and do not know that best way to handle it, as if handled wrongly Dsil will revert to her shell and shut out the outdoor world.

Dsil works full time and her dp is an alcoholic

Both kids are struggling at school and need 1-1 help with learning.

The tv, wii, xbox ds are the kids babysitters. Dsil with her anxiety etc can just about manage to make it to work, the local supermarket and her dp's mum house to collect the kids, she will not venture anywhere else, the weekend they are all cooped up indoors.

All we did with DN was our usual stuff picnic at the park, feed the ducks etc etc DN acted like it was a trip to Disneyland.

MIL has previously tried to talk to her about stuff SIL has listened said OK then pretty much cut MIL out of her life as she can not handle the criticism.

DN cried all morning before she went and SIL said she must of had a good time as she sobbed her heart out all on the way home. SIL did not come to collect her, it was her dp's dad.

How on earth do I go about dealing with this?, in the past its say nothing to upset her, but I know I need to do something as DN is miserable.

Wow that's long, tried to give as much info as possible.

Thanks if you have got this far.

that's not what the OP has said though

FGS NGO No one said she was responsible for his alcoholism, no one is responsible for alcoholism, even the alcoholic - he is, however, responsible for his behaviour and not getting help and she is responsible for her part in enabling it and for not removing herself and her children from the situation.

I am not judging her at all for this, believe me when I say I understand how toxic and manipulative an addict is, and how horrifically hard it is to see and admit there is a problem especially as it only gets worse and worse and each time it gets worse that will be something else she or the children have done worse so the guilt builds and builds. She needs help - AlAnon, and give your DN contacts for AlTeen, their child version, it is likely that the only way he will change is if all other options are removed and to be honest that will only happen if his wife males it. Maybe he won't change but she can and that is what would help their children, and even if her mother can't change it could help you DN protect herself. The people who run these things are usually insanely understanding and so supportive.

Pm me if you think I can be of any help.

I have and will always have a lot of time for SIL, MIL & FIL were not good parents both her and my dh had horrible childhoods, dh managed to survive it a lot better and SIL has gone from one deadbeat relationship to deadbeat relationship, she tried desperately for kids for 10+ years till it finally happened. I will always try my best to do what is best for them and after having a week with DN I know I need to do something as she is deeply unhappy.

Like I said before I really do appreciate people that have suggested helpful comments I will take on board what you have said and try and continue to be supportive the best I can.

Thanks London

Your poor SIL, these things can get so cyclical through generations and she will (assuming massively here) have spent her whole life feeling worthless, compounded then by an alcoholic husband, and they are so so good at picking partners who are too broken not to be enablers. I think the best thing you can do is to find an AlAnon in their area and suggest it to her just as a drop in meeting, you can usually being DC to the meetings, and it would be a good idea if you had a look for ones in your area to get some better advice on support and the right things to say, and definitely establish yourself as a safe place for your DNs to bolt to if need be, I know that knowing there was somewhere I could run to made staying where I was bearable til I could leave.

Why don't you look after their son for a couple of days to give her a bit of quality time with her daughter? Maybe look after him in their house so that their son is not took out of his own environment which would probably be extremely stressful for him. Even if you don't want to look after him overnight you could have him for the day and make it a regular thing say once every other month, I know you say you live a very Long way away. I have an NT daughter and a son with ASD. I grew up with an alcoholic dad, who thankfully has stopped drinking for about 18months now. So I can see lots of different points of view here. He might be drinking loads cos he's finding it hard to Cope with his child's special needs it can be very stressful at times it can be like grieving when you have bad days. Give those parents some time with their girl. She needs to feel she matters too clearly. When one of your kids has asd your family life is not typical. Sometimes things, that you as a parent of NT kids takes for granted eg trips out to feed the ducks, are simply not possible, she might not be able to take her daughter as her son may be very very hard work doing that for whatever reasons. She is probably devestated that she can't bring up her kids like you are yours but her life is not like yours. Help her. Take her kids problems in your stride. If she is concerned about you minding her son, tell her it's not a problem, you will cope and if you do get a problem you will ring her. She sounds like she's not coping with her life and you can help her cope, she needs a strong capable person in her life to support her, her husband is drinking too much so she's on her own. Please educate yourself about special needs too it is fantastic to find a friend or a family member who takes an interest in special needs when your own child has them. Good luck I hope that helped you xx

My exH is an alcoholic and for a very long time I struggled on to try and make it work. When my oldest was just over 5 and my youngest was 2, I finally saw that we couldn't stay with an alcoholic any longer. I really feel for your SIL, because generally people don't understand what it is like to live with an alcoholic and there is significant pressure to keep it together for the sake of the kids.

Life as a single parent is easier than living with an alcoholic. I also recommend Al-anon - maybe she'll start seeing things a little differently?

Is her DP the father of the children?

Thanks London that link was very helpful.

Yes the dp is the father of the kids.

Llareggub I wish SIL would leave him, but I know that is never going to happen she has extremely low self confidence and will always make excuses for him. She thinks he is not that bad as he goes down to the garage with him mates at 3 every day and comes into the house about 11 when he knows the kids are going to bed, so he gets to stay goodnight. She will always make excuses and try and find a positive even when there is not one.

Toni27, a round trip is 600 miles, I would love to help more but with 3 kids of my own, 2 dogs its not possible. My DH works hard and has to commute so he has the car. Money is not great atm so could not really afford it anyway.

SIL has always been ok family helping out with dnephew. She admits she doesn't take them out because of her anxiety, she finds it hard to leave the house for anything other than work and shopping. This was even when Dniece was a baby and weeks/months old.

I am not saying dnephew doesn't have SN he has been tested and retested and so far nothing has come up.

Another family member last year took both dnephew to the seaside in a caravan for 4 days with his DS and said both boys were fine apart from the usual boys rough and tumble. He took DNephew away so the girls could have some quality time. But with nephew being away it sent SIL anxiety through the roof and she sent DN round the corner to her nans while she had a break and recharged.

I am trying to arrange a visit down during the October half term. (money dependent) hopefully I can help then.

I have read this thread with tears in my eyes. Your DN is so lucky to have you! And so is your SIL. I can see that you don't want to rock the boat with you SIL but I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and tell her straight that her daughter is feeling this low.

SIL asked you to talk to her dd so she obviously is aware of problems somewhere. Explain to her that your dn loves her very much but is finding the lifestyle, the pressures and the lack of boundaries difficult. Ask SIL if there is anything that you can do to help her get some routines in place (bedtimes and mealtimes for example!).

I understand your a long way away but maybe you could offer to have your dn one weekend a month or something to get her out of the house. Nothing worse than being cooped up inside all the time.

Maybe your SIL needs some medication to help with her anxiety issues. Or some counselling. This is a family with a myriad of issues weighing it down which once addressed I am sure would find things improving.

I cannot stress enough that if you offer to look after your niece you should also offer to occasionally look after your nephew to give them time with their niece.

You don't get 1:1 help with learning in school without genuine justification.

Neither do you get any referrals for testing for ADHD/ASD etc without genuine justification. In addition some developmental disorders can't be diagnosed until a child is over a certain age - dyslexia, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorders and some forms of Aspbergers come under this banner.

Dear daddy is an alchy - this is well known to cause fetal defects so it's likely both children DO have some sort of mild neurological disability, even if they haven't put an official label on it yet.

Please don't be too quick to judge as the pre-diagnosis period is the worst part of the SN parental journey by far. You know there's something wrong, cos Mum's always know these things but no one else recognises it, and worse still denigrates your parenting, when you work harder at it than anyone else you know. It's a horrible experience that does incredible damage to your self-esteem that nobody understands unless they themselves have experienced the same sort of judgey pant hell themselves.

Living with a sozzlehead will put enormous stress on the whole family. There are some fantastic organisations out there for the children of alcoholics as it's recognised that living with one, leaves children with major emotional issues. Alteen is the most well known. Any chance you could help SIL put her daughter in touch with one, so she can have someone truly neutral to talk to?

If she has a sibling with SN, and a parent who is an alcholic then she probably qualifies for a young carers scheme - most areas have them, and they can be another source of emotional support for her.

Mum sounds as if she's probably totally exhausted and could do with sufficient respite to catch her breath and perhaps tackle some of her personal issues.

A kind ear on the end of the phone also means more to your SIl when she's struggling too, than you realise, I expect. Sometimes when life gets to much it can mean the world to feel someone, somewhere is in your corner, so don't feel awful as you don't have the wonga for lots of 600 mile round trips will you?

That's a great post Bochead

Excellent post bochead

The fact that her family don't believe that DN has SN and are judging her due to this (she'll know) could be contributing to SIL's anxiety.

She is probably exhausted by fighting for her ds's needs to be met and has no energy left to deal with her DP's alcoholism.

I doubt if anything you do will make much difference in DN/DSiLs household. The best thing you can do is continue to be the loving,
caring Aunt you obviously are and invite your DN to stay as much as possible in the school holidays. This will give her a break and show her what family life can/should be like and she will know she has another adult as a sort of 'mentor'. There is research to show (sorry cannot recall the source) that having an adult mentor like this can make a big difference to a child. You can keep in touch with DN between holidays through FB, phone, texts etc. But SiL sounds incapable of changing/coping and if you raise your concerns you may alienate her and she may not want to DN to communicate/visit you which would actually be worse for DN.

Thanks again for the further replies.

Thanks primroseyellow I feel better after reading your post and will continue to be a good role model for her. Received a lovely letter off her yesterday saying she misses me and loves me. Said I will call her a few times a week and she has our number should she wish to call us.

Toni next time I am down I will take dnephew out on his own and spend some time alone with him.

Is there any way that you could speak to DNs teacher about your concerns? They may/ may not be aware of her home situation (father being an alcoholic, mother having anxiety issues etc) and they may be able to help her with support worker in school.

Justforlaughs

If a rellie who lives on the other side of the country with no real knowledge of what support the school is already providing or what the medical details/history of my children took it upon themselves to interfere like you suggest I'd hit the roof!

It's also such a massive betrayal of a vulnerable child's trust, that it beggars belief. That child NEEDS to feel she has someone safe to talk to right now. Who knows what damage such an "intervention" could cause?

At a minimum the OP would likely be cut completely out of this families life forever. This would leave her unable to be the emotional support both the mother and the children so obviously need.

We have no way of knowing if the children don't already have diagnoses that SIL has CHOSEN not to share with a disbelieving, unsupportive extended family, (this may not be true, just how she perceives the situation btw). Sometimes as a SN parent your daily grind is too grueling to what to bother dotting the i's and crossing the t's of your daily details for those who don't NEED to know.

I'll repeat, children DO NOT get a 1:1 in school without VERY good cause. The money just isn't there to throw teaching assistants at kids that don't need them. School KNOW there are issues and are dealing with them already within their own remit.