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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not getting mad about this? My 9 yr old thinks I am!

27 replies

OhTheDrama · 17/08/2013 13:25

Have name changed in case I'm recognised. So my DD is 9 and for her age has quite a strong sense of herself and is becoming quite an individual. When it comes to choosing clothes she hates following what everyone else is wearing and likes to pick out things she likes not because they are fashionable. She's a very outgoing personality and is well liked amongst her peers.

Anyway she has a friend who I would say is not as outgoing but a lovely personality but quite shy. My DD has been going to a summer scheme over the summer whilst I've been at work. This friend goes too. For the past few weeks my DD has been quite down but very reluctant to tell me whats wrong, until yesterday when she came in absolutely FULL of rage, which is not like her at all. It turns out that her friend has basically copied my daughters wardrobe, bought the same bag, personalised her converse in exactly the same way and even has the same cover for her ipod. My DD has enough, especially as there was an event on yesterday and this friend wore what my DD said she was going to wear and people made the twins comments!

Now I can see why my DD is angry but I think it's a huge compliment that this friend is copying her and have told her this. I also said to bear with the situation as her friend will grow out of it and will find her own confidence and not feel the need to copy others ideas, they are only 9 FGS! My DD was livid at my viewpoint and does not get that I can't just tell this girls mum to get her to stop it. She now wants nothing to do with this friend and it causes headaches as there are outings and activities arranged. I just keep repeating my point and not deviating from it and refusing to go out and buy her new trainers and a bag!

Just to point that this is out of character for my DD as she hardly ever loses her temper and strops so it must be really bothering her. We are at stalemate aren't we .

OP posts:

magimedi · 17/08/2013 13:29

I think your DD is going to have to talk to her friend herself & tell her friend how cross this makes her.

No way can you interfere.

(And tell DD not to tell her friend what she's wearing - or tell friend & then wear something else!)

stayathomegardener · 17/08/2013 13:32

My DD 14 gets irritated by the same thing.
She has taken to not mentioning her outfit choices or changing her mind at the last minute.
I repeatedly point out how flattering it is and she is resigned to it now.
Unfortunately the imitators don't seem to grow out of it so your DD will probably have to find ways of dealing with it.

RedHelenB · 17/08/2013 13:39

Not wanting to sound unkind, but maybe your dds wardrobe isn't as out there as she likes to think - converse are pretty standard. Maybe she needs too shop at M & S to be different? It really is very hard to be different.She's 9 though, so won't understand that. With friendships I think you need to step back( as you are doing) & let her talk to her friend if she wants to.

marriedinwhiteisback · 17/08/2013 13:44

To be perfectly honest if the other girl can go out and buy exact copies of what your daughter has she really isn't that indy is she. Your dd needs a reality lesson - what other people wear isn't all that important.

Quick look around costa in local shopping centre. Black print maxi skirt, lace top; denim jeggings, stripey top; brown skinnies, black top, denim skinnies, cream top; couple more stripey tops just walked in - wouldn't glance twice at any of them tbh.

StuntGirl · 17/08/2013 13:48

It's pretty much a fact of life when you have a distinct style. She's going to have to find ways to deal with it that don't include losing her temper and cutting her friends out.

She needs to talk to her friend and tell her it upsets her. Then ignore it. At the end of the day she cant stop her friend wearing these clothes, but she can stop telling her what she's going to be wearing, and she can encourage her friend to wear different things and develop her own style.

How about getting her into some fashion/sewing groups? If she can learn to make her own clothes she will find it less likely that people wear the same thing.

Or you could take them both shopping and she can help her friend find her own style.

Anything that equips your daughter to deal with this herself instead of throwing a strop and running to mummy to get her to fix it. Because mummy can't!

Ultimately she's 9 and despite being little miss grown up with her own fashion taste she is actually just a small child who doesn't have the mental maturity to deal with this perceived front on her individuality in the same way a 12, 15 or adult woman would.

Just think, you have another 9 years of this

Original poster

OhTheDrama · 17/08/2013 13:53

I have pointed all this out to DD that everything she buys is on public sale in the high street shops and you can't stop people buying it. Her point is that she knows this but the fact her friend has gone and bought the exact same ones and wears the same way is what is irking her.

She tried having a word with the friend but the friend was totally oblivious! Thinks it's great they are the same! I've taken a hard line and told her to snap out of it, very hard as at 9 she doesn't have the emotional maturity to grasp a lot of my points! There is no way I'm getting involved!

OP posts:

LifeofPo · 17/08/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mycatlikestwiglets · 17/08/2013 13:54

It's amazing how much this can upset girls actually - I remember one of my friends throwing an enormous strop when we were 17 because I'd bought a jumper she already had. It was a bog-standard plain wool jumper from topshop and mine was a totally different colour but she kicked up such a fuss that I took it back!

If your DD is really upset it might be worth a gentle word with the other girl's mum, but I'd certainly be impressing upon your DD that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery there is!

tumbletumble · 17/08/2013 13:57

I'm with your DD actually. I agree with everyone who says it is a good life lesson, but I think it's a life lesson you need to help her with. I can totally see why you saying "oh well, it's a huge compliment and the other girl will grow out of it" would make her even more angry!

I don't think you should go out and buy your DD lots of new stuff, but I do think you could be a bit more sympathetic to your DD's feelings and make sure she realises you are on her side. You could talk to her about possible strategies for dealing with it. And maybe, if your DD feels that strongly, you could consider cancelling a couple of the planned outings to show your DD that you are supporting her.

RhondaJean · 17/08/2013 13:57

I had a " friend" who used to do this.

I think you need to be more understanding with your dd, it's really frustrating even though from the distance if time I can see it was a big compliment.

And perhaps indulge her in some Internet shopping, cut the labels out of clothes, and start teaching her how to modify off the rail clothing so she's less easy to copy?

TrinityRhino · 17/08/2013 14:00

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

but bloody annoying

stayathomegardener · 17/08/2013 14:01

Oh yes DD cut out labels and when asked where purchased just shrugs and says don't know my Mum bought it....As if!

iklboo · 17/08/2013 14:03

It's worse when you're 16/17 and your MOTHER starts trying to copy your wardrobe.

Can she accessorise the heck out of her outfits so they have an individual 'quirk'?

StuntGirl · 17/08/2013 14:04

And maybe, if your DD feels that strongly, you could consider cancelling a couple of the planned outings to show your DD that you are supporting her.

Seriously? Avoidance is rarely a good strategy. Her daughter does not live in unique little snowflake bubble I'm afraid! Although being one of the only fashion conscious girls at 9 it will probably seem so to her.

Fireytiger · 17/08/2013 14:04

Perhaps spend some time with her customising her clothes so they really are individual. A white t-shirt dyed a different colour. Perhaps sew on some beads, pictures etc appliqué style. She might find this exciting and set herself on a course for fashion design. It need not be onerous and prepare her for textiles lessons at secondary school: a few basic stitches and dying techniques.

She would always know then the pride in something that she made herself as well as being truly individual.

Original poster

OhTheDrama · 17/08/2013 14:07

Yes have told her about being vague and telling her she's wearing one thing but really plan on wearing something else. I am on her side but can't really see what can really be done other than that. We are heading out to get some stuff to personalise her converse again and we are going to personalise a t-shirt too. She's coming out of her grump a bit! Luckily DH is back from a work trip with some lovely bits that can't be imitated easily lol! God I can't believe I have years of this to put up with! Bangs head on desk!

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 17/08/2013 14:12

just tell your dd to ignore

this girl probably have very lottle confidence in herself and aspires to be like your dd who is indicidual and well liked.

why not get dd to take her underwing and suggest cool things/ colours that will suit her etc

I justhope your dd doesnt get so frustrated she starts making comments about copying etc in front of friends as that can escalate quickly and at 9 it could be very mean

froubylou · 17/08/2013 14:18

No advice but I feel your pain lol.

DD also aged 9 just had a huge strop about what she wants to wear for a meal out with friends and what I think is appropriate.

I don't mind what she wears for her social occasions but think a rara skirt, flip flops and a vest top more suited to playing out than a naice meal with grown ups.

She's sulking. In about 20 minutes she will realise I'm not budging on this one.

Glad the one I'm cooking now is a boy. Had this since she was 5.

Original poster

OhTheDrama · 17/08/2013 14:19

notyomomma I think that's what DD would secretly like to do and it's just not in her nature, I think that's why she's so frustrated. I will tell her the tip about making suggestions, thanks.

OP posts:

shewhowines · 17/08/2013 14:20

I'm with your dd with this one. It is really annoying. My dsis used to want to copy me and I hated it. Tables turned though, when as adults, she had better style than me and I wanted to copy her.

I agree you can't get involved, but you can help her devise strategies as suggested by other posters. It was no help for me, to be told it is flattery. I just got more frustrated that my parents didn't seem to understand my annoyance.

SofiaVagueara · 17/08/2013 14:25

I agree with magimedi. Sit down with your daughter and explain to her that she needs to tell her friend herself that she wants her to stop doing this.

Explain to her that her friend isn't doing this to be nasty or unkind and that it is a compliment and the girl wants to feel part of a group. But if it makes her unhappy she needs to ask her friend to stop.

Talk to her about how she can do this, and make her understand that she must do this in a kind non-angry way. Go through how she will say this to her friend, rehearse it so you know it will be done kindly.

Perhaps she could suggest to her friend that they go shopping together and help her develop her own look, your daughter could help her pick out a some clothes which are different.

Help your daughter understand how to deal with this in a kind non-confrontional way, it will do her good.

amicissimma · 17/08/2013 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slightlysoupstained · 17/08/2013 14:35

Sounds like friend feels that dressing like your DD is cool and makes them closer (ironic, seeing how much it's annoying her).

Suggestion: get two t-shirts, and get DD to customise one for her, and one for her friend - nice, but different. Different colour (if one that suits friend's colouring but not DD this would be ideal), different additions. (Prob best for DD to do this as a surprise, rather than with friend or she'll just try to copy again!)

Get her thinking about it as a problem she can solve by helping her friend to develop her own style - similar enough to DD so she feels part of her gang, but not identical. She will undoubtedly have this happen again with someone else, so she needs to figure out good solutions.

Whereisegg · 17/08/2013 14:47

I'm with your dd (up to a point)

My dd spent days scouring the Internet to find unusual school stuff last summer holidays, her friend came round and dd proudly showed it off.
First day if term came and this friend had bought EVERYTHING my dd had.

I was a bit pissed myself tbh.

When winter came and the girls mum sought me out to ask where my dd's hat/scarf/gloves combo were from as her dd wanted the same I pretended they were a present do had no idea

I would just encourage your dd to be vague if she's asked about outfit choices, and personalise simple stuff herself as pp have advised.

Whereisegg · 17/08/2013 14:48

^ angry typos!

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