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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I going mad - or is she completely out of order?

39 replies

Datingagain · 17/08/2013 11:55

So, yesterday, DS's 4th birthday.

His Dad (ExDP) and I are separated, but maintain a reasonable relationship for DS's sake. For info, he treated me pretty badly whilst we were together - dumped me when pregnant, then cheated on me on and off for the first two years of DS's life. When I found this out, I left.

Anyway, my relationship with ExDP's Mum (ExMIL) has always been rocky. She almost has a fixation with ExDP, thinking he is literally the best man in the world. I was - and never would have been - good enough for him. The first thing she said on finding out I was preys by was: "Well for goodness sake, don't marry her, then you'll REALLY be trapped." We had been together for 5 years by that point.

But over the last two years, I have tried to keep things civil and promote DS having a relationship with her and her extended family. It's always been a one way street, but I try. So a months so, I had invited her, and her DH and Ex SIL etc to DS's birthday party. They all replied saying they weren't sure, as they were busy - but would let me know nearer the time. Fine. Ex SIL and others did decline invite (on Thurs) but by Thurs night, ExMIL still hadn't been in touch. I mentioned this to ExDP, who said yes she was coming.

So I then texted her, saying great that she was coming - and reminding her it started at 2.30pm.

So yesterday arrived, and they turned up at 1pm. I was just out of the shower and obvs not best pleased to see them. I said something like "Oh you're v early" and she launched into a very personal attack on me, bringing up all sorts of things.

She brought nothing for the party - not even a present for her GS and hadn't even asked if she could contribute / do anything. I ended up I tears (was feeling v unwell anyway and had been up since 6am baking cakes) and she pretty much spoilt everything. She ended up saying "It doesn't matter what you think, I know I'm right she you're wrong and that's all that matters."

Also, as an aside, DS starts school this year, and she has neither asked a single question about which school he's going to (I have nearly killed myself working to ensure we lived in the correct catchment etc) or if he needs anything (am not grabby - but wouldn't this be normal?!)

Anyway, yet again I am left feeling awful. Who is right? Am I crazy - or is she? And what the hell do I do now? Ignore her? Cut her out? And how do I stop going over and over it in my head? It's driving me mad. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
DameFanny · 17/08/2013 11:57

Cut her out. She's demonstrating no care for her grandchild so why inflict her on your family?

purplewithred · 17/08/2013 11:58

It's her. You've gone the extra mile and she's been a cow. From now on cut her out.

glenthebattleostrich · 17/08/2013 11:59

Cut her out. She is a toxic bitch from the sounds of it.

It is up to your ex to facilitate the relationship with his family for your child, you have gone above and beyond as far as I am concerned.

Nancy66 · 17/08/2013 12:00

The school thing isn't a big deal. I don't think you should expect her to be particularly interested in that especially as your son hasn't even started yet.

She was totally wrong to turn up that early and then get abusive with you and not buying a present for her grandson wasn't very nice either.

If I were you I wouldn't be making any effort to keep in touch with her in future - let your ex deal with all of that. You can now have her out of your life if you want - so do it.

Sparklysilversequins · 17/08/2013 12:02

It's her. I would never include her in anything again. That's ex's job now. I include my ex in laws and bend over backwards to facilitate contact but that is because they are NICE to me. The minute that stopped so would I.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 17/08/2013 12:04

Life is too short to concern yourself with a woman like her, it's awful that she ruined your ds's birthday for you Sad.

She's nothing to you, I'd cut her out.

picklesrule · 17/08/2013 12:05

Cut her out! You are not with your Ex anymore why on earth would you want to continue contact with such a toxic Mil?! You sound like you are doing a fantastic job for your DS he will not miss out if he does not have someone so horrid in his life

DPotter · 17/08/2013 12:06

Look I may well be flamed for this but - surely it's up to your Ex to maintain your DS relationship with his family ? Leave them to it. Don't need to make a big song & dance, just keep reasonable with Ex and focus on your DS and family. If Ex wants to have a birthday party for DS which includes his family - then he can arrange one. So next year when your DS has his birthday, invite his school friends and leave Ex's family out. (you might need to think about having a party early as arranging parties in the holidays can be tricky).
So in answer to your questions - No you are not crazy, yes ignore her. Do a nice activity with your son today - something that gets you out of the home. And this evening when DS is all tucked up in bed, have a drink and toast the fact that 5 years ago you gave birth to a lovely son !

saulaboutme · 17/08/2013 12:08

She sounds v unreasonable by your account.

In my family yes it is normal to contribute or ask if help is needed but she obviously doesn't see it that way.To turn up with no gift for her GS is pretty low. Did she even give a card?

For your own sanity I'd back away, she has issues with you which you won't be able to do anything about. She's turned a normal celebration into an upsetting day for you. Like you said she thinks the sun shines out of her sons arse, I've seen this so many times with friends, exes mothers.

Leave her be to be bitter, don't let her upset you anymore.

lifesgreatquestions · 17/08/2013 12:09

(Does anyone ever read thread titles like this and click on it thinking "shit, I hope it's not me"?)

I agree with the others, what a horrible toxic lady. Protect your emotional wellbeing and get some distance. Look after yourself today, that kind of thing reverberates in the back ground for a while, maybe go for a walk or something to ground yourself?

MrsWilberforce · 17/08/2013 12:09

Yes, cut her out. You've done what you can but she sounds messed up to me and will not be a good influence for your ds - either she will develop an obsession with him or more likely will make him feel as though he's not good enough - neither of you need that in your life.

Sorry she spoilt the birthday for you, hope you've got some left over Cake

Beamur · 17/08/2013 12:10

It's her.
Let contact with her GS be organised by your Ex in future.

primallass · 17/08/2013 12:10

She sounds awful. Draw a line under it and never make an effort again. She does not deserve to be invited to your house.

Original poster
Datingagain · 17/08/2013 12:11

Wow thanks for all the replies.

I'm feeling quite tearful as I've spent so long worrying about whether she (and ExDP) are right - and that I'm odd.

They're just so different from me and my family - but hadn't realised how different until DS arrived. Bit late then.

I rarely cry about people I don't care about - but listening to her (and ExDP) go on yesterday was awful. You literally cannot argue with them - they have this God-given sense that they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. It's so frustrating.

But yes, I think that was the final straw. I will obvs keep civil with ExDP, but will have to work on ways of not feeling guilty about the others. Part of the problem is with me - I've always worked on the basis that if you treat people kindly, they will return it. Am obvs wrong.

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 17/08/2013 12:12

I agree- stop trying with her. you are literally inviting this person into your life to treat you like this. STOP! if she's not invited to your home then she cant come and do this to you. cut her out and if she wants a relationship with ds she'll have to get off her ass and arrange it through her son when ds is with him. you take nothing to do with her anymore.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 17/08/2013 12:13

What kind of things were they saying?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/08/2013 12:16

Here's the thing - it doesn't matter what she thinks - she has no rights to you or your ds. If your ex chooses to let her see him on his time then that is his decision. But you have no responsibility whatsoever towards her. You tried. They are either not interested or, at least, are more bothered by animosity towards you than they are by love for your ds.

And the fab thing about you no longer bei g with your ex is She Is Not Your Problem. Enjoy being free!

Tuppenceinred · 17/08/2013 12:17

I think you need to find a balance whereby your son keeps contact with his father, but you stop feeling that you have to invite his family into your life. You don't even have to have your ex into your house if it's uncomfortable for you (I see you've mentioned him "going on" yesterday). It's his responsibility to look after his relationship with his son, and to make provision for his family if they want to be involved. You might have put up with him and his family, and him "going on" when you were together, but you sure as hell don't have to put up with it now.
Re EXMIL I'd take no prisoners. No more invites and sent away if she turns up at anything again. Prepared to ring police if she, or anyone else gets abusive.

Plomino · 17/08/2013 12:20

You know what ? You're never going to change the way she thinks . So don't even try . Let them be 'right' . In isolation, in their own little world , which doesn't have to include you or your DS .

I'd stop trying to be the good guy here. Stop trying to be civil . Don't be anything at all to her . She frankly doesn't deserve it . Her loss . Not yours , or your DS's .

flumperoo · 17/08/2013 12:21

Always keep this and this in mind.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/08/2013 12:22

One more question - how much effort does your ex make to include your parents in things?

fuzzywuzzy · 17/08/2013 12:22

Why do you want this poisonous witch in your sons life?

Ignore her, never invite her to anything and as for you ex why invite him either if he's such an arse? If he wants to do something for his son he will, why do you need to put yourself in a position of being abused? Be polite when you have contact don't invite anyone to anything unless you actively like them and want them in your lives and they enhance your life.

Original poster
Datingagain · 17/08/2013 12:24

DPotter, yes ExDP does keep contact with her too, but I have always tried for birthdays to all be an all encompassing big happy family thing for DS. Won't next year.

Saula, no no card either. Literally nothing.

Youstay, she was saying that I was very antisocial for being pissed off that they were early - "that would never have been a problem for her"
She said that I was controlling, because I had asked her to let me know if they would be attending the party (for numbers etc) apparently "we felt undue pressure because of that - we are far more casual, easy going people - we decide what we do on the day usually"
She also berated me for not helping ExDP move house last week (DS and I were away) - until I pointed out that I had moved, single handedly, with DS in tow last year- and he hadn't lifted a finger to help.
And lots of other unpleasant, shitty stuff. Also that just because my parents had been so helpful, it didn't follow that she needed to be. They are far busier and have "far more important things on" apparently. Than their Grandsons birthday.

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 17/08/2013 12:29

ok OP

draw a line- right here, right now and make a decision.

either accept that this is the way she will ALWAYS be with you and continue to make the effort with her, allow her to talk to you like this, let it affect you and make you feel like shit.

OR accept that this is the way she will ALWAYS be with you and choose not to allow it in your life.

she wont change- ever- it is who she is.

only you can change what she does to you by refusing to allow it in your home and your life.

no-one here can do that for you. you have to do it yourself.

SofiaVagueara · 17/08/2013 12:48

She's been absolutely awful and I don't see why you should have to deal with it, so I agree cut her out of your life.

BUT

She is still your son's grandmother and he should still be allowed to see her while he is with his Dad.

Cut her out, don't include her in anything you are going to be involved with and stop making an effort. But don't ban your son from seeing her if she makes the effort while he is with his father.