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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit pissed off about this?

45 replies

Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 03:18

Just got back from a week away that was a gift to me from a relative. Self catering accommodation was paid for as was a few hundred spending/food money. I took my eldest and his GF with us. As I said, all was paid for so I didnt expect any contribution to food.

But.....I did all the shopping, did a cooked breakfast most days, cooked all meals for all of us (including the 2 that they decided they didnt want after I had shopped for and cooked them as they were staying out) and knocked them up at 9 (me being up from 7) for their breakkie.

At no point was the offer made to cook a meal, and despite going for a drink a few times, they let me pay and never offered to get a round in. They dont have much but a couple of drinks for me to say thanks for the cooking/shopping etc would have cost them less than a tenner between them. Was it too much to expect? I am of the school that if you are going to the bar then you offer a round, they said yes each time and never said "Its our turn".

I didnt say anything to DS as he was always with his GF and I know that her family dynamic (overbearing "I am in charge" mother) meant that she wouldnt think of it, so I didnt want to make her feel bad. But I thought that DS would have offered.

They are both mid twenties btw, and I despite my efforts, DS seems to be a totally thoughtless person :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 03:21

Just to add, I am not a martyr! I realise it reads like that. I like cooking, I didnt mind being up. But I do mind that it wasnt acknowledged in anyway. If someone took me on a free holiday then I would bend over backwards to do my share, or atleast buy them a few drinks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 03:23

Oh and PPS they dont have much money but they spent a fair bit of what they did have on stupid things for themselves, so I dont think that £8 on a couple of glasses of wine was too much to ask for.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 17/08/2013 03:27

Why did you not ask him & his gf to wash up/cook etc?

You are being a martyr if you do it all despite being pissed off. My girls are 5 & 10 & they are asked to help!

Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 03:32

It was difficult. His GF has a very dysfunctional relationship with her mother and as a result is very careful around me. We are a very easy going family so I could (and do) say to DS "FFS! I am not your slave!" etc and that would be fine, but she would be quite upset by that. I say it in a jokey sweary, but with a point, way. Her mother is a vicious bitch who I have seen put GF down in a very cruel way in public and so GF struggles with the way my family is. DYKWIM?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 03:35

Also, her mother acts the martyr "Oh, I am the only one who does ANYTHING!!" but then kicks off if someone offers to help as if what she is doing isnt good enough. You really cant do right for doing wrong with her. As the child of a difficult mother, I do understand GF's coping tactics and her assumption that every family is like that.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 17/08/2013 03:47

"FFS! I am not your slave!

But at their age, you don't need to say it like that! They are adults. Just say, I'm cooking, so it is up to you two to wash/dry.

Jan49 · 17/08/2013 04:23

I think you were being a martyr. You should have asked them to do the washing up and drying up even if you were happy to do all the cooking. You didn't need to say "I'm not your slave", you just needed to ask them to do it.

I don't think I'd be very happy on holiday to be woken by someone at 9am every day. It's supposed to be a holiday.Hmm

amistillsexy · 17/08/2013 05:18

K

amistillsexy · 17/08/2013 05:22

Sorry...mobile fail!
Meant to say...if the girl's mum is treated like you were on holiday, maybe she has a point and is justified in what she says?
You should have taken your son aside and had a quiet, firm word.
I've just come back from self catering with my dh and 3 boys. They had jobs to do daily before they did anything else. The house was cleaned daily and they did their share of the washing up and putting away. They are aged 6,7 and 9.

PasswordProtected · 17/08/2013 05:23

Several good reasons why self-catering is no holiday!

Optimist1 · 17/08/2013 06:57

Perhaps they thought their contribution was giving up a week of their time to be company for you on your holiday? (Don't mean to sound harsh, but at their age I might have felt this way.)

NapaCab · 17/08/2013 07:14

Mid-twenties, you say? I thought you were going to say your son was 15 or 16 from what you described!

You should have definitely said clearly what you expected done, in a humorous way if necessary to spare the GF's feelings ('OK, that's me with my feet up for the night, here's the tea towel DS!' or whatever) BUT they were also BU for not having the manners to offer help. At 25+ they should have the social skills to not take hospitality for granted.

meganorks · 17/08/2013 07:17

Yeah I think you should have asked for some help tbh. Sounds like you are so concerned about being seen like the GF's mother that you didn't want to say anything. They can't really make you breakfast if you are up before them. And they can't account for you making them dinner if they aren't there.

Re buying a drink, I think a lot of young people assume parents will pay. Particularly if they don't have much money. But also you got a free holiday and spending money. So maybe thought drinks were coming out of that. A simple 'your round' probably would have done it.

Obviously it would be nice for this to have all been volunteered, but when it wasn't after a day or so then time for prompting.

ThePigOfHappiness · 17/08/2013 07:19

Why didn't you ask them? They are adults. Moaning about it is a bit martyr-ish now. I agree with pp about being woken daily at 9 am on holidays...
If I went away with mil she would do it all and I know now not to offer to pay for anything because she feels it is her job to do cooking etc and would like to treat us by paying. It would offend her to offer.
With my own mum I would offer to pay and help out/split cooking and cleaning because that's our relationship. She is hard work though, and if I didn't, she would simmer with the injustice of it for ages and throw it in my face, unexpectedly, months later.
Maybe just have a word with your ds and say that next time you expect him to do x,y and z?

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/08/2013 07:40

I'm around the same age as your son and his girlfriend.

Paying for a couple of drinks/washing up the plates after eating is something I would have done without a second thought.

The girlfriend isn't being that careful around you is she? No wonder her own mum gets her arse in her hands!

CockyFox · 17/08/2013 07:50

I once had to be told by an ex that his mum thought I was rude because I never offered to wash up or make tea etc. I was only 15 though and at home my mum gets offended if you offer to help. I did my part after he told me though.
Even now 15 or so years later you still don't help at my mum's or my nan's, but I do think if you have always expected your DS to help out he should have done and made it clear to his girlfriend that was the expectation.

wigglesrock · 17/08/2013 07:59

But I really don't understand why you cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner? Did you not take yourself off for a morning/day and just leave then to it?

Of course it was bloody rude of them not to help, cook etc but you're the one that did it. I'd have sat on my fat arse asking them what their breakfast/ lunch plans were.

The very least they could have done is to buy drink for the accommodation. We have been away occasionally with my parents to a holiday cottage. I bring up wine, sweets, fancy crisps Smile , stuff they wouldn't usually buy and then I get my mum flowers when we get home.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 17/08/2013 08:07

In my late teens/very early 20's my exBF and I went away with his parents to France for 2 weeks. Self catering cottage, ferry cost same for 2 or 4 people in car etc

Being that age to be honest I was a bit oblivious to contributing my share. It was only when exBF and I took the car out one day his parents asked us to top up the petrol, that we kind of twigged we should pay towards groceries, cook a meal etc.

I think YANBU to have wanted some kind of acknowledgement/contribution but you could have said something like "your round" or "I've cooked, I've left you the dishes"

TheTurdsOfMisery · 17/08/2013 08:13

How hard would it have been to take your son to one side and explain your expectations to him if you thought it would upset his GF? And actually - she's going to have to harden up and bit - she can't have people pussyfooting around her for the rest of her life because her mother was a bit awkward. You'd be doing her a favour to show her another way.

MammaTJ · 17/08/2013 08:19

I would have been pretty cheesed off at that age if I was on a holiday and someone had woken me at 9 am every morning. That would have coloured everything else and the way I behaved the rest of the time.

In all other aspects, you are at least partly responsible. You did it without complaining or asking for help, so they thought you were happy to do it. Had you asked and they refused, either for their help or for them to buy a drink, then you would be right to complain, but you did not ask! They are still quite young and not mind readers!!

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 17/08/2013 08:21

My 3 yr old helps his sister lay and clear the table and load and unload the dishwasher after every meal...2 adults in their 20's should not wait to be asked to help clear up after themselves.

Tell me though OP, has your son grown up being given his own tasks to do in the house or have you always done things for him? Because if its the latter then he's just observing old patterns and his GF is taking his lead.

Why did you not ask them more politely for help?

Sirzy · 17/08/2013 08:27

Has your DS not been expected to help with things as he is growing up?

I would have simply said "its your turn to wash up" or "your round" and not given them a choice in it!

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2013 08:42

Yes, they should have offered.

And you could have, and should have, asked.

And I'm not entirely sure why you pussyfoot around the girlfriend either. She's an adult not a teenager.

chesterberry · 17/08/2013 08:46

To be honest I can imagine this happening if I went on holiday with my parents, I am 26 but when I go and stay with my parents they do everything for me (and for my siblings when they are there). It has always been like that, we were never allowed to help with chores such as washing up as my Mum didn't believe we would do it right and if we offered to make a meal, for example, my Mum saw it as a bit of an insult to her cooking. She was very territorial about the kitchen, although I am sure she would deny that now.

Our family dynamic growing up was very much that my parents did everything related to housework and my siblings and I were not expected to help with anything outside of our bedrooms, so when I am with them I very rarely offer even now I am an adult. It would just seem so unusual and so out of character for me and I can be quite anxious about doing things which other people would think were odd, even if they would like the gesture. Similarly if my parents are around they never let me pay for anything (drinks, meals etc), pay for friends/partners and will still give me money towards things like train fares when I go to stay with them - it would never occur to me to buy them a drink even if it was my turn. It would just be so outside the norm.

If your family dynamic as your son grew up has always been that he wasn't expected to help with housework and that you always paid for treats for him then I think, although it would have been a nice gesture, it probably just didn't occur to him that it would be a nice gesture for him to offer or maybe just thought you would think it very unusual or that he was trying to act different around his girlfriend (these are the worries I would have trying to go against the usual dynamic).

That said, if your son is usually expected to help around the house and always was growing up but just let you wait on him hand and foot then YANBU to think he could have offered to help, although as others have said you probably should have just asked him nicely.

BeckAndCall · 17/08/2013 08:51

I don't understand - was it just the 3 of you or we're other family members there and helping?

And did they actually want to get up at 9 o'clock on holiday to have breakfast? I mean, seriously, did you ask them?

The main thing I can't understand is why you wait til after you get back from hols to think about who should be doing what task! You should have sorted it out when you arrived. If its unspoken, how is anyone to know?
Silent seething gets you nowhere.