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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit pissed off about this?

45 replies

Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 03:18

Just got back from a week away that was a gift to me from a relative. Self catering accommodation was paid for as was a few hundred spending/food money. I took my eldest and his GF with us. As I said, all was paid for so I didnt expect any contribution to food.

But.....I did all the shopping, did a cooked breakfast most days, cooked all meals for all of us (including the 2 that they decided they didnt want after I had shopped for and cooked them as they were staying out) and knocked them up at 9 (me being up from 7) for their breakkie.

At no point was the offer made to cook a meal, and despite going for a drink a few times, they let me pay and never offered to get a round in. They dont have much but a couple of drinks for me to say thanks for the cooking/shopping etc would have cost them less than a tenner between them. Was it too much to expect? I am of the school that if you are going to the bar then you offer a round, they said yes each time and never said "Its our turn".

I didnt say anything to DS as he was always with his GF and I know that her family dynamic (overbearing "I am in charge" mother) meant that she wouldnt think of it, so I didnt want to make her feel bad. But I thought that DS would have offered.

They are both mid twenties btw, and I despite my efforts, DS seems to be a totally thoughtless person :(

AIBU?

OP posts:

Ledkr · 17/08/2013 08:59

Ds 2 can be like this. Ds1 and 3 aren't so I'm unsure why it happens. He never shows gratitude either but I know he's grateful iyswim?
Out of all if them he's the quietest and no trouble at all, just stingey.
I do ask him to help though and I do think you were a bit martyrish sorry

diddl · 17/08/2013 09:02

Well you won't be asking them again, will you?

TBH, I wouldn't have gone on a holiday with a parent & bfriend at that age as I would have wanted time with just bfriend & wouldn't have wanted to be having to answer to/do stuff with parent.

Did you expect them to do stuff with you everyday?

If so, maybe they thought that you doing everything was a fair deal?

MortifiedAdams · 17/08/2013 09:05

I would be quite annoyed at beibg woken at nine every morning on my holiday tbh. Did they even want the breakfast or did they get woken up and think "oh, we best eat it, shes gone to all that trouble"

MortifiedAdams · 17/08/2013 09:06

Plus, it isnt their fault that you were up at seven so I really dont jnow why you even put that in the OP.

iamadoozermum · 17/08/2013 09:12

From your OP you seem to have assumed an awful lot. As others have said, did they want to be up at 9am? Did they actually say that they wanted you to cook breakfast for them or did you decide it would be nice and so just do it? Why not leave them to get their own breakfast? Did they say that you should be cooking meals for them, or did you just do it, assuming that if you were cooking then you should be cooking for everyone? If you hadn't done these things at the beginning, would they have stepped up?

Your DS and his GF might well have been having conversations about how to tell you that they didn't want you doing these things for them but felt that they couldn't. From your OP it all seems a bit controlling as if you took charge which might be falling into parent/child dynamics but they are both adults so that dynamic can be re-defined. So possibly your DS is not thoughtless but just needed nudged in the right direction.

Better communication all round needed really. You could easily asked politely as others have suggested if they would do the washing up or had a discussion at the beginning about how meals etc would be divvied up. It's all a bit late now though and there is no point in expending energy being pissed off now when you can't change anything. Far better to bear this in mind for future so if you all go away again, you can set some ground rules.

PeriodFeatures · 17/08/2013 09:14

Bloody hell! Why did you carry on cooking, cleaning and stuff? I would have had a night or two out for dinner on my own or said something like.

'so what are you two planning to do for dinner tonight' or after dinner said 'right, off to put my feet up/go for a walk, will leave you with the dishes!'

or discussed first how you were going to share out the housework. I always offer to chip in when DF and DM are about, pay for a round of drinks etc. Usually cook a meal or two if we are together for a few days and clean, tidy and wash up. Breakfast etc. DH always gets drinks in. Even though DM and DF are actually now pretty well off and often insist we always get in there somehow and do our bit. Always send a 'thanks for a nice weekend' card etc after visits either way round.

My kids will do the same. I think it's because we live far from each other and try and make holidays and get together as enjoyable as possible.

Thumbwitch · 17/08/2013 09:19

I think YANBU to be a bit disappointed in your DS, he should have thought about doing something for you for a change - but it rather depends on whether you usually do it all, on whether or not you usually treat him to everything and whether you ever say "Oh no, don't worry, I'll do it" if he offers to help.
If any of those apply, then I think you can't honestly expect him to suddenly work out that the "rules" changed on holiday.

However - I would have a chat with him NOW and tell him that you're a bit sad that he didn't think of treating you for a change, especially as it was supposed to be your holiday too.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/08/2013 09:25

I too am confused about why you were waking 2 people, in their mid 20's up every morning, let alone cooking breakfast for them??

Everything was paid for - so it cost you nothing.

You cooked because you wanted to. You shopped because you need to for yourself and the younger ones... the eldest & his GF probably felt obliged to eat with you/what you were eating and it quite probably wouldn't have been their first choice if left to their own devices... so no, in their situation I would have felt I 'owed' the relative who paid for it maybe, but not you.

You are coming over as a whining martyr & bloody hard work - as well as a bit off blaming her Mum for being different to you.

Sorry - but you did ask!

LingDiLong · 17/08/2013 09:25

It sounds like you treated them like kids and they behaved accordingly. If you were going away with friends your own age wouldn't you have discussed what to do about meals and shopping up front? That's what normally.happens on that kind of holiday I.e. you buy the booze, I'll get the food, you cook dinner one day, I do it the next. If you just took over and made them meals they neither wanted or expected then they're not necessarily going to be grateful. My MIL is very anal about meals, constantly planning what we're having for our next meal. Sometimes it's nice just to go with the flow, especially on holiday.

All that said, the not buying a round thing is just tight! I would have said a simple 'you get the next ones in' would have dealt with that though.

TeddyPickleStick · 17/08/2013 09:41

Eek! You sound massively over bearing and a martyr to boot.

It's not difficult to say ' who wants to cook tonight ? ' or ' ok, I'll cook and you guys can wash up'

I rarely make my 15 year old breakfast... Let alone a couple of adults!

VodkaJelly · 17/08/2013 10:04

Sounds like your son just fell into the mother/child default setting and was happy to let you do all the cooking and cleaning just like when he was a small child.

I would have said something about the drinks like "Your turn next" but i appreciate it was probably hard for you to broach the subject.

DP and I were at a family wedding a few month ago, FIL and MIL were there, as was DP's sister and her 2 adult (and working) daughters. After the ceremony and before the dinner started we were sat at the table and SIL and DN's were talking and said they hadnt brought any money but had a cash card.

Who goes to a wedding and not bring any money with them? So FIL had to buy their drinks all night. SIL is a woman in her 40's and wasnt in the least bit ashamed. It was funny when they had finished their drinks and were waiting for FIL to finish, they would drink any dregs in the glass, sigh heavily, keep picking the glass up etc.

Some people have no shame and will happily let a parent buy all the drinks and pay for meals. Others just really dont think.

Financeprincess · 17/08/2013 10:23

I'm surprised that they didn't offer. They are in their mid 20s so surely they are used to being with other people? I can't imagine that, if they went away with friends of their own age, their reluctance to buy a round or help around the house would have been tolerated!

I'm with Nanny0gg on this one. Particularly the bit about giving special treatment to a grown woman who is old enough to be responsible for herself.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 10:39

To everyone who said they would hate being woken at 9am, I asked every day if they wanted breakfast the next day and that it would be around 9 ish and they said they wanted it. A cooked brekkie is a holiday special! Most of the time they were off doing their own thing, we had a couple of days where they joined us for an hour or so (me, H and little DD) but mainly they were on their own.

And DS has always been expected to help out at home, which is why I was surprised at his lack of help on holiday. They did wash up a couple of times after I said that I had cooked so I wasnt clearing up but it was grudgingly done.

I think I am just a bit disappointed in being taken so obviously for granted, I wouldnt have waited to be asked if it was me, I would have offered to help each time and made sure I paid my way when out.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/08/2013 10:45

What help did your husband give?

Original poster

Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 11:10

We had a fair division of labour with childcare, cleaning up, etc. The point is, he didnt take anything I did for granted as I didnt with him. I am not sure how that is relevant, if he was taking the piss then I would have said so.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/08/2013 13:06

Was just wondering if your husband did nothing & your son followed his example!

ZingWantsCake · 17/08/2013 13:15

Bogey

not read thread your op is enough - I see where you are coming from, they were BU to not say thank you or get you a drink or some flowers.

but. have they ever said thank you for you doing stuff like that?
has he?

your feelings are hurt but I bet he has not the faintest clue!

& on me!

just talk to him and tell him you felt unappreciated.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 17/08/2013 13:32

Sorry diddl fair point. Having a crappy morning and was feeling a bit snippy

No, H, for all his other faults, does more than pull his weight house/childcare/choreswise. That makes it even more annoying!

Thanks Zing He is normally very good like that, at home he is the one prompting the other kids to say thanks to Mum for a lovely dinner (for eg)! I suppose he thought that as he was on holiday he didnt need to do anything, without giving a thought as to who would do the jobs if he wasnt helping out.

And is expecting them to get a round in really U? I didnt think it was, I made it clear that the spending money was for food, which it went on including a couple of meals out.

OP posts:

cleoowen · 17/08/2013 13:38

When we've been on family holidays since we were adults we've always,had a rule that everyone takes it in turns to cook and but the ingredients for one meal. Then no one cooks more than once. We all made our own breakfast too.

diddl · 17/08/2013 13:38

Maybe he thought his gfriend would laugh at him?

I can sort of see why you said nothing to him in front of her.

But odd if he usually helps out.

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