anger issues and bad relationship with 5 yr old.

[therewasanoldwomanwholivedinas]

Not sure where to start.Sorry for the long post.

I have a 5 yr old son,i have 3 other children and another on the way.I really struggle with him,ive never really felt a proper connection with him since he was born,ive always looked after him in practical ways but when i compare the way i feel about him to my other kids i know theres something wrong.I dont feel any desire to do anything with him very often,things he does really winds me up,the others have bad habits and stuff but for some reason it doesnt bother me,at the moment he is going through a phase where he is constantly licking his fingers and his hands,picking his now,messing with his willy and it makes me want to scream,and im ashamed i have screamed at him about it,but i can see im making it worse as hes doing it more and more.

I get really angry with him,ive smacked him before,and worse,i just get so angry and its like i cant stop myself,like all reasoning goes out the window.Ive always had problems with anger and even though im ok 80 per cent of the time i just go mad occasionally and scream and its like it all comes out at once.Ive talked to my dh about it,he agrees i have problems with anger but doesnt really know what to suggest.He is good with the kids and mucks in with housework at the weekend,he always puts ds1 to bed,but sometimes he lets him stay up really late,playing on video games,and the next day he is always terribly behaved and is really violent with his younger brother and sister.

He is mostly a really lovely boy and i can see that,hes clever,kind,great with his baby brother,all the other mums at school come up to me and say how lovely he is and his teacher adores him,but i feel like eventually i am just going to ruin him,i feel like such a big bully,i hear myself talk to him sometimes and i sound just like my mum did with me,i am doing pretty much the same with him as she did with me and i hate myself for it (and i hate her too and we still have a bad relationship now)

Please help me,i dont know whats wrong with me,i am so lucky i have all these lovely children and a great husband and no money worries,but i just feel like things are getting worse and worse,the holidays have been crap so far,we havnt really been anywhere,i failed my driving test last week which means i still cant drive,we are slightly isolated because of that,there are nearby things like a beach and a park but i just cant seem to get out the house somedays.

Your poor boy. You need professional help and fast. Your little boy sounds no different to any other boy of his age. Can you speak with your health visitor, a doctor, ask for sure start to come in and help ? Have you spoken with anybody, other than your husband?

Get this removed from AIBU, it is not the place for it.

I have been to the doctor before about it,they told me to get in touch with the health visitor,i did and she just said she thought i was fine and gave me the website address for this thing called moodgym.I have thought about going to anger management classes but there are none near me,and i also considered maybe a therapist but i bottled it,i was embaressed tbh,how could i sit there and tell someone all of that?

I was posting on aibu for the traffic really i posted on parenting before and no one answered me.

Were there any issues surrounding his birth?

I think you need to talk to a professional. It is good that you have recognised this but you know that it is really not ok to smack, what could be worse than a smack?

Agreed, get it moved from AIBU before you get eaten alive.

Is the 5 year old the eldest?

Before you do anything else, tell your husband to stop keeping him up late, playing on video games.

I agree with Bamboo, you and your family need professional help.

moodgym is based on CBT and is good for things like anxiety and anger. To be perfectly frank, you have four children, you are bound to be stressed, i would be carted off drooling i think!

Therapy is good and your doctor was wrong to palm you off on the HV, did you explain to the doctor that you have generalised issues with anger or just with your son?

when you say smacking and worse - what is the worse?

There were some,i fell pregnant really quickly after i met now dh,and we split up when i was about 5 months pregnant and i literally didnt see him again til ds was about 6 weeks old,we lived opposite ends of the country so it wasnt hard,we got back together not long after that but then i found out he had cheated on me with his ex who he has an older daughter with while i was pregnant and then bought her back over here from overseas and they he had proposed and everything,she sent me all the emails and stuff.

Thats the only thing thats different between him and the others.

I dont know why i gave dh a second chance but im glad i did,i think he had his own issues at the time,and i trust him completley now,nothing like that has happened since.

Why do you want to know the worse?i have smacked him harder than a normal smack,and ive grabbed his arm to make him go upstairs before and there was a mark on his arm.

sorry when i say normal smack that makes it sound like smacking gently is ok and i know its not,ive never smacked the others,i hate myself for smacking him.

ive tried using the naughty stepand if im honest it did work and there was no smacking but my husband wouldnt do it and at one point was even getting ds to get the chair himself,bring it into the front room and sit on it because he couldnt be bothered to do it,he just treated it like a joke.I dont think he realises what its like.

to fully gauge what we're talking about and what levels this has gone to.

i agree with others that you need professional help with this. i can see that you know that this isn't fair on him and i also sense fear in your post of where your anger could take you.

i'm worried for him and for you.

You said you had smacked him, and worse.

Is he your eldest? that four under five and another on the way - gosh

Us get an emergency appointment with the GP. If not today, then on Monday. Both of you need help and support

You know this isn't normal. That's good - you've got insight and hopefully the motivation to change. But this needs sorted out now.

Interesting what you said about you treating him like you were treated. I was already wondering if he's more like you in some ways than your other DC? I find the DC with similar characteristics to me wind me up much more than the DC who are more like my DH. I didn't realise why at first, but having recognised it, I handle it better. Your situation sounds much worse though. I agree you need help for your anger, fast.

I know,but i dont feel it would be much better if i only had him,i cope ok witht he day to day things its just him.I do love him and i tell him how much i love him and how proud i am of him,but i know im not actinglike it sometimes.

Saying that though,i hired a babysitter last week and took him and his younger brother(4)to the theatre and we had a great time,there was no bad behaviour which meant there was no me getting angry at him and i genuinly had a great time with him.

im not going to the doctor,they are useless,well mine are anyway.

I am going to get in touch with a therapist.I think if i can A.get over my past,and B.control my anger things will get better.

I also think i need to go back to using some kind of discipline,like the naughty step,and really get dh on board,i need to make him realize how serious it has got.if i have some kindof"tool" to use i wont end up smacking him.

It sounds like the fiddling\licking thing he does is a stress thing. Especially as it got worse after you screamed at him. It sounds like you haven't bonded with him. I think you need to be honest with your gp for your son's sake and ask for a referral.

how do i bond with him though?is it too late?

I hadnt thought of the licking like that,it probably is isnt it,i just googled it and it just came up with loads of autism links.

therewasanoldwomanwholivedinas best of luck to you.. I think you are great mum if you are trying to fix the problem and seeking for advice.. well done to you.. That only means you genuinely care about your child.. I hope you will find the way to bond with him..

I think you are very very brave posting this OP, and you are doing the right thing asking for help and advice.

I am sure you love your child, and you are facing up to the fact that there is a problem, and yes it is a problem.

I think you need to go to counselling. and if you GP wont refer you, you pay for it yourself. Its costs £40 to £50 a session.

This website here is good, www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

you put in your postcode and it advises people in the area. you can choose people at a time, and day that suits you.

I will advise you to send a hi level email detailing the issue, as their response will be a good indicator

and set up a simple spreadhseet , see who responds. then ask foir a phone call to have a chat first

this selection process worked for me and I got someone really good

GOOD LUCK XXXXX and let us know how you get on

and if in the meantime you need help try amazon for some some help books

and you said "I do love him and i tell him how much i love him and how proud i am of him,but i know im not actinglike it sometimes.

and I do beleive you, but you seem to have got into a real pickle, and again I applaud you for addressing it

and if anyone fucking slates you on AIBU, I wont be pleased!!!!

I don't think it's too late for you to bond with your ds. I have a friend who had undiagnosed PND and didn't bond well with her son. Once her PND was recognised and she received support, she was able to bond with him.

It sounds as though you had a very difficult time around his birth. Counselling will help you deal with that and with your anger issues.

You need to get your dh on-side too. He can't undermine your discipline. He can't keep your ds up late playing violent games. Also, if you haven't dealt with all the emotions about your dh's actions around your first pregnancy (ie his affair, etc) then he has to work with you to deal with them.

You are so brave to have posted this and to have gone to your GP for advice. I'm sorry they let you down. Perhaps as well as seeing a counsellor, you could ask to see a different GP and take along your initial post on this thread so they're aware of the situation and can assess the support you need.

Hi OP, you are an understandably stressed mum who loves your kids, but you need some help. The fact that you want to change is great, so don't let the more negative posts get you down. I have a similar dynamic with my 5 year old D's too. What really helps is consistency, so you need to sit your dh down and talk and agree on a consistent approach for dealing with Ds. I did a course called "Happy Kids Happy You" which really helped massively. The book is great to referred to if I'm struggling.

As far as bonding goes, try to spend more time with him and listen more. We have to remember that kids have their own agenda, wants, desires etc, but quite often this is not considered by the adults around them. Could dh take the little ones for 30 mins at the weekend while you take ds to the park alone and just chat and play?

Getting a therapist is a must, not because you are a bad parent, but because with all your DC at the age they are it must be impossible for you to have anything that is just yours.

You have to remember that children come with different personalities and some may not gel with yours. It doesn't mean we love them any less, it's just that you are different sorts of people. Once I realised that it made my relationship with ds much easier as I stopped trying to force a 'friendship', for want of a better word. He is who he is, I love him but sometimes he is difficult to be around.

Sorry for rambly post, take care op.x

Your husband is not being a good parent if he won't support your attempts to avoid allowing your anger to take over - letting your son stay up late and refusing to use the naughty step when it obviously works are both undermining you and not only not helping but actively making things worse. You need to sit him down and really explain to him how important it is for you to work together and support each other in tackling this problem. All the counselling in the world won't help you if the strategies you use to keep things in check are ignored by your husband, and if he knows that you have problems with anger then he should be trying to make things easier for you, not leaving you with an overtired child who has no structured discipline process in place!
I do think that you need to take any approach that will work, so talk to your husband, see if you can get some help for yourself, but also maybe try talking to your son and apologising for getting cross and setting a few simple rules that you will both stick to such as no shouting and no getting physical with anyone. Good luck - it must be hard to write all this down but, as with so many things, acknowledging the problem is the first step to resolving it.

Re the bonding I think you need professional help to work through the issues. Try again to get a referral through your GP or see a different Gp if need be

I work in schools and for 4 years I was heavily involved a little girl who had a similar relationship with her mother, who had a strong bond with the younger sibling but no attachment to the little girl. Through school the girl had to be referred for counselling, play therapy, nurture & behavioural support and social services (in a supportive capacity - day trips out for respite etc). She had so many issues around self esteem, anger and social skills and it was heartbreaking. From the mother's point of view the girl's behaviour at home became unmanageable, and her home life was very difficult - she desperately needed support and was a tearful emotional wreck every time I spoke to her. I felt desperately sorry for them both.

I think the earlier you can address your issues with your little boy the better, for both of you. It's positive that you have recognised that your behaviour towards him is unreasonable, and that you understand (from your own experience) the effect that this could have on your future relationship.

There is help available - without judgement. Please share your concerns with the school, there are things that they can offer your son for his emotional well being, and they can refer you to other agencies for support. Your local children's centre will also offer courses that can help you. No one will think badly of you for asking for a bit of help.