anger issues and bad relationship with 5 yr old.

[therewasanoldwomanwholivedinas]

Not sure where to start.Sorry for the long post.

I have a 5 yr old son,i have 3 other children and another on the way.I really struggle with him,ive never really felt a proper connection with him since he was born,ive always looked after him in practical ways but when i compare the way i feel about him to my other kids i know theres something wrong.I dont feel any desire to do anything with him very often,things he does really winds me up,the others have bad habits and stuff but for some reason it doesnt bother me,at the moment he is going through a phase where he is constantly licking his fingers and his hands,picking his now,messing with his willy and it makes me want to scream,and im ashamed i have screamed at him about it,but i can see im making it worse as hes doing it more and more.

I get really angry with him,ive smacked him before,and worse,i just get so angry and its like i cant stop myself,like all reasoning goes out the window.Ive always had problems with anger and even though im ok 80 per cent of the time i just go mad occasionally and scream and its like it all comes out at once.Ive talked to my dh about it,he agrees i have problems with anger but doesnt really know what to suggest.He is good with the kids and mucks in with housework at the weekend,he always puts ds1 to bed,but sometimes he lets him stay up really late,playing on video games,and the next day he is always terribly behaved and is really violent with his younger brother and sister.

He is mostly a really lovely boy and i can see that,hes clever,kind,great with his baby brother,all the other mums at school come up to me and say how lovely he is and his teacher adores him,but i feel like eventually i am just going to ruin him,i feel like such a big bully,i hear myself talk to him sometimes and i sound just like my mum did with me,i am doing pretty much the same with him as she did with me and i hate myself for it (and i hate her too and we still have a bad relationship now)

Please help me,i dont know whats wrong with me,i am so lucky i have all these lovely children and a great husband and no money worries,but i just feel like things are getting worse and worse,the holidays have been crap so far,we havnt really been anywhere,i failed my driving test last week which means i still cant drive,we are slightly isolated because of that,there are nearby things like a beach and a park but i just cant seem to get out the house somedays.

just a thought and probably not helpful but it sounds like maybe the anger that you could justifiably have felt towards your dp at all that went on has instead ended up directed at your son. was it safer maybe? as in you wanted to stay with/get back with dp so it wasn't safe to show all the anger you felt but it had to come out somewhere and has been displaced onto ds?

or as simple as if you were bottling up your feelings to avoid letting all that anger out on dp then you were numbing your ability to feel anything ergo not bonding?

i don't know. there's lots for you to explore and i'm glad you're going to find a counsellor.

I would swap gps and go back. You obviously need help but your poor ds needs help too. He will have no understanding of why you behave the way you do to him. You run the risk of severely emotionally damaging him with your behaviour and rejection.

You obviously want to do the right thing by him or you wouldn't have posted. Keep asking until you both have help.

Theres only 2 gps in the whole surgery,have seen both and its like theyrejust playing doctors or something.

I will just pay privatly to see someone,i think that by helping myself i will be helping him in the long rub.

Will talk to my husband about it all too,thanks for the messages,espescially the positive ones.x

You can swap Gp surgery if you are not happy with that one

I probably will when i learn to drive,the nearest one is too far away for us at the moment though,but fingers crossed ive only been twice for myself ive never had to take the kids as they never seem to be ill!

Just wanted to wish you all the best OP. Well done for posting this. It's a massive step in the right direction to admit that there's something really wrong and asking for help. I hope you and your son get it.

I would definitely agree with the poster who said that the annoying habits your describe would be stress-related. He must have noticed that you behave differently with him than with his siblings and it's making him feel anxious and insecure. My son started playing with his willy, licking his hands and biting his fingernails right down to the quick just after his baby sister was born. He was nearly 4. She was a very difficult baby and I had a terrible time with her for about 6 months and there were several occasions when I took my DD-related stress out on DS...shouting and sending him up to his room. Different situation but similar habits and both down to anxiety and insecurity I think.

It's not too late to bond with him. I know you have 4 children but would it be possible to spend some time with him on his own, just the two of you? You mentioned your trip to the theatre and how he was really well behaved and you had a lovely time. That probably meant the world to him.

Good luck.

You need far more help than anyone can give you on here.

You need professional help - now. Before you damage your innocent little boy any further.

Get counselling for sure as a bare minimum, I would also look into anger management and coping strategies. You could also talk to the school and see if they've noticed any behaviour issues with your son. I understand you feel like you can't talk about this but you need to - for both yours and your son's sake.

Admitting the problem is a brave first step and I applaud that, I do. Now it's time to make the changes your sons needs.

Maybe you could call social services and ask for help. You know there's something wrong so that is a good step. However you may lose your temper and go too far. You know this so it's time to sort it out. Call ss wee what they say and tell them the whole story. It must be very hard t deal with and very hard to admit so well done on that score. Good luck.

Hello OP
Please do let us know if you'd like us to move this threads into relationships

sorry to go all mental health nurse on you but did you a paticulalar;y bad birth with him or was he really hard work as a baby?

It's not too late to bond with him. My sister had this kind of relationship with one of her kids (the second of four) and I noticed it when he started to become less of a toddler and more a little boy. She told me at that time that she didn't feel the same about him as the others, was annoyed by him all the time and didn't want to spend time with him. She cared for him just the same as the others but you could see her almost dislike of him showing through.

She had had a really difficult pregnancy with him and he was the one that wasn't planned. I basically advised her to spend time alone with him when she could, to remind herself of the good things about him (which she could identify) when she was getting annoyed...and I also pointed out how similar he was to her in lots of ways. They started having nicer moments over the next year or so and now, he is seven and there is no sign their relationship was ever like that. She still gets annoyed with his behaviour sometimes (as she does with all the kids') but it's definitely with the behaviour and not him.

If you force yourself to find things to do with him, as often as possible, anything that's the two of you and find things to praise him for, after a while it will stop feeling forced. Fake it till you make it. You can love him for just being himself but it will be hard work at first.

Well done o.p. I want to very gently suggest you perhaps make an appointment with a health visitor and discuss your feelings and frustrations. Particularly when you began exploring the 'licking' and came across autism links.

Parents with children of your son's age with undiagnosed conditions such as asd often describe difficulties with bonding and relationships.

What is controversial but true is that we as parents are not solely responsible for the bond we build with our child. we also RESPOND to the cues the child gives to us. If that cueing is impaired in some ways then our feelings and attachment can switch of be lessened.

School and home environments are really different so schools may not pick up on conditions as quickly, particularly with younger children and childre do have different behaviours at home and at school.

Be reassured though that with understanding that a bond can be built and a happier relationship can develop.

That might not be the case for you and your DC, you will know if that rings any truth for you.

Another thing you could do is play together. Get on the floor, at his level, read to him, play his games with him, a few times a week. Lot of eye contact and smiling. Regular play together can help with bonding. Is he your eldest?

Good luck to you with this - whatever happens don't stop trying to resolve this. However you feel about your little boy, he needs and loves you - try and focus on thst

Oh OP, well done for speaking up about it. Me and DD2 are very much alike, and me and dp had a horrible time whilst expecting her and even worse after. My relationship with her just isn't the same as with the other two. I'm too ashamed to even begin to talk about it, because that would mean admitting it. I am therefore in awe of your for even starting this thread