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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel demoralised and turned off.

37 replies

BeeBiscuit · 16/08/2013 01:11

I like less sex than DP. Used to be different but life changes. I thought couples often varied and would maybe discuss, or one grit their teeth. Anyways, we have sex once or twice (sometimes more)a week but have not done the deed for 5 whole days (!) My partner made his displeasure at no sex last night clear by sighing,puffing, rolling over etc so i didn't sleep. We had been at a theme park for 2 days with 3 kids and frankly i was knackered!Today in a very blunt way he has gone on and on about how he cant trust me as I gave him a verbal come on and didn't follow through on it. Very loud, shouty and aggressive. Muttery comments out of ear shot Not happy and has made that clear. When I asked "So you want me to have sex just because you want it" he couldn't respond. How do you deal with this - I don't know what the "normal" way is. He just shouts at me. AIBU to feel under pressure and AIBU to be upset and turned off?

OP posts:

TwoStepsBeyond · 16/08/2013 01:15

He sounds delightful.

No wonder you're not feeling it at the moment. I would have a serious chat about his attitude and what you need to feel in order to want sex with him. I need to feel appreciated, desired and relaxed to have enjoyable sex and if any of those are missing it won't be fun for me. Explain to your DP that having a toddler strop when he doesn't get his own way is a complete turn off.

MummyBeerest · 16/08/2013 01:15

A verbal come on?

As in like, you were asking for it?

YANBU

MrsKoala · 16/08/2013 01:20

What a cock. He sounds like a bully. You need to tell him he is to keep this kind of tantrum to himself or there will be no sex for the foreseeable future.

What had you said that made him think it was a sure thing? Sometimes DH says he wants sex and then when it gets to bed time he's knackered and says he's too tired. I kiss him and say that's fine. Because it IS fine to change your mind.

StuntGirl · 16/08/2013 01:27

Well doesn't he sound a charmer?

Have you discussed the issue with sex with him?

Original poster

BeeBiscuit · 16/08/2013 02:00

Thanks everyone for replying to me. I have tried to talk to Jim about the sex issue but it generally causes aggro so I don't. apparently I had verbally flirted. its nice to hear you op say that you kiss him and say its cool. I would like that. I am cold and distant acc to DP, but long for a cuddle.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeeBiscuit · 16/08/2013 02:01

lol Jim. oh the joys of spell check. let's call him "Jim" .

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 16/08/2013 03:07

God grief - so 'verbal flirting' = sex does it? Wow. I say saucy things to everyone my DH and have never had sex 'expected' before. Does he want a relationship where you are guarded about playing around/flirting in case he holds you to some promise of sex he has dreamed up in his mind?

I would tell Jim what an arse he's being and i would hope as you are married, and he supposedly loves you, he will take what you say on board. Why would you want to bully someone into having sex with you?

GruffBillyGoat · 16/08/2013 06:02

Try living with one who refuses to masturbate, if I hold out for 5 days (which happens at least once a month) I have to deal with him holding his ball sack and moaning like an injured whale. Yet he will still not take the initiative and relieve the pressure himself.

Jim sounds like a right arse.

Twattybollocks · 16/08/2013 08:48

Sounds like a bit of a manchild. I actually had to have this convo with my oh a few years back as he was complaining that I never kissed him or cuddled him. When I explained that every time I did that he thought I wanted sex and then had the huff on when he didn't get any, he realised how silly he was being.

Madamecastafiore · 16/08/2013 08:50

Gruffbilllygoat WTF???

Their balls don't explode that's bullshit. The semen is re absorbed.

I'd kick him in them and tell him he had something to moan about then.

Tee2072 · 16/08/2013 08:51

So your feelings don't matter, all that matters is he gets it when he wants it?

What a child. Does he have good qualities?

Silverfoxballs · 16/08/2013 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparrowlegs248 · 16/08/2013 08:54

gruffbillygoat what is he, 15!!!? What a load of twaddle.

Sparrowlegs248 · 16/08/2013 08:55

Oh and OP......once or twice a week is fairly average i think! Hardly not getting any is it?

melika · 16/08/2013 08:56

Twattybollocks can you come and explain that to my DH!

feelingvunerable · 16/08/2013 08:57

Tell him you need to feel like a desirable woman and not just the chief cook and bottle washer.

He needs to take the load off you and start to pull his weight with the children and domestic chores.

Nobody can swing into sex mode straight after caring for children and feeling like a drudge.

StrangeGlue · 16/08/2013 09:00

Jesus Christ what a dickhead! He needs that bubble popped ASAP! It's not okay to pressure someone about sex, it isn't anyone's right to have sex whenever they fancy it and its for both parties not just one!

MamaChubbyLegs · 16/08/2013 09:07

What a nasty man, OP. Perhaps you would feel like it more often if he made you feel sexy rather than guilty and pressured

dreamingbohemian · 16/08/2013 09:09

There is no normal way to respond to someone being a complete dick.

Are you always happy to have sex or do you sometimes do it just to keep the peace? You say you can't talk about it with him and that's very worrying.

Is he an otherwise nice guy who's being a twat about this, or is he generally selfish?

musicismylife · 16/08/2013 09:13

The trouble is some men expect it. They see it as one of their daily activities so why on earth wouldn't you want it ?

An ex partner of mine used to try every trick in the book to do the deed. One time he stormed out of the house at midnight and called me frigid. And times when I was tired/worn down, I would do it just so he stopped moaning and crying. But it made me feel so awful inside that I would sob the whole way through.

Please please don't give in OP, I paid a VERY high price for giving into his demands :(

LemonPeculiarJones · 16/08/2013 09:18

He sounds like a bully. A sexual bully. It's not ok. It's disrespectful and is all about him using your body for his own needs, regardless of your feelings.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Boosterseat · 16/08/2013 09:23

gruffbillygoat Semen which is not, ahem expended is absorbed back into the body.

dreamingbohemian · 16/08/2013 09:31

Gruff your man is an idiot. sorry there's no gentler way to say that really.

YouAreMyRain · 16/08/2013 09:47

I left my stbxh who did this. I now have a lovely DP who is normal and nice and does not do anything remotely like this because he is kind and caring and sensitive. He only wants sex if I do.

I had assumed it was normal for partners to sulk and strop when they didn't get sex on their terms. I used to let my ex have sex on me to prevent him being moody and irritable and sulking. It was not a nice way to exist.

I am much happier now.

Original poster

BeeBiscuit · 16/08/2013 09:58

Thank you! dp is now behaving like a fool to be honest. slept on sofa, being very argumentative this am. I am very sad, as it just shows what I'm worth

OP posts:

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