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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if I'm the only person on MN who's never had a career?

160 replies

WaitressRose · 15/08/2013 09:51

whenever there is a SAHM/WOHM bunfight discussion, people always talk about how taking time out to look after kids will affect their career.

I've never had a career. Left school after A levels and got a job in an office. It was in the olden days when only a small perentage of population went to university. Worked, earned decent wage, did some travellings, bought own house, met DH and got married.

In my 30s I did a teaching degree but DC came along straight after (not the best planned move but very happy with outcome Smile). So never got to become teacher and don't have desire to be anymore - think having children of my own has put me off other peoples Grin

So anyone else just worked, had a job, earned money without having a career or profession?

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 18/08/2013 12:37

Go and have your SAHM-V-WOHM sneerfests on another thread (if you bloody must). We were discussing if some of us had never had a career, who had jobs instead.

Why is it a sneer fest? Conversations evolve and move on. Is it part of the terms and conditions of your op that we stick rigidly to your question, with no deviation at all? Because I didn't read that anywhere. I don't agree that being a sahm is a career. How is that sneering? Do I have to agree with you then? Otherwise I'm a sneerer? I've been a sahm, I loved it, but it isn't a career. Hmm

dysfunctionallynormal · 18/08/2013 17:10

To clear the confusion: I am in the process of becoming a foster parent. I have to give up full time work. I will be paid to look after and raise the children (i'm doing long term placements). I have turned my hobby into a money maker and can work from home as much or as little as i like and can fit it around school hours. I've always been financially independent and always will be. My money comes from my hard work and not from inheritance or a partner. Choosing to foster is classed as a career. I will be doing the same that STAHM do-difference being i get financial recognition for it. During the day i can work at my own business,sleep in,take up classes/cimmunity work,relax,pamper myself,plan extra curiccular activities that will continue the kids academic/social/emotional education outside of the classroom. Basically i can do whatever i want and still remain financially independent from my partner. When the kids are home i can give them 100% attention because i will have already taken care of the essential housework. Kids will have their own chorez to do as will partnrr so i'm not going to be stuck in a position where i do everything.

You cannot give 100% to both your professional work and family at the same time. That is the truth whether you like it or not.

Thisvehicleisreversing · 18/08/2013 17:30

No career here either.

Went to college to study performing arts. Pissed about a bit, left, got a YTS scheme as an office junior, stayed there till falling pg with DS1. Left work, was a SAHM till he was 8 months old then got a p/t job in a shop where I still work 11 years later.

ShellyBoobs · 18/08/2013 18:01

You cannot give 100% to both your professional work and family at the same time. That is the truth whether you like it or not.

Ha,ha,ha.

That is sheer brilliance. You've gone from apoplectic rage at someone who questioned your theory that being a sahm was a career, to telling those of us who do have a career that we are shit parents.

Fucking superb.

motherinferior · 18/08/2013 18:23

I also sort of suspect - from my years of writing about fostering - that it's not quite the easy ride you're expecting....

wordfactory · 18/08/2013 18:25

Personally I remain unconvinced that either work or family should get 100 percent of your time and energy. It should be perfectly doable to give energy to both, as the vast majority of fathers will attest.

motherinferior · 18/08/2013 18:27

...you'll have a fair amount to do as a foster carer. That's why you get paid.

wordfactory · 18/08/2013 18:29

Speaking as an experienced foster carer, I can assure you that there will be precious little time for chores. The sheer number of meetings with professionals is eye watering before we even consider the extra needs of many foster children.

BrianTheMole · 18/08/2013 18:29

No fostering isn't an easy ride at all. And I would agree it is a career in itself, even though many foster carers argue that they don't get rightful recognition of their career from other professionals that they work with. You will find, with the challenges of foster caring (if you get to do it) that you will not be able to give 100 per cent to your home life and your career, just because your career happens to be at home. Wink

motherinferior · 18/08/2013 18:30

Incidentally you still haven't explained what you mean by 'running a household'....you've said it isn't doing domestic chores but what is it?

Original poster
WaitressRose · 18/08/2013 18:43

Brianthemole - I just thought it would be a refreshing change for us to have a chat which didn't involve mothers sneering at each other.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 18/08/2013 18:45

Brianthemole - I just thought it would be a refreshing change for us to have a chat which didn't involve mothers sneering at each other.

Sure. But I'm not sneering. Are you?

wordfactory · 18/08/2013 18:45

The notion that being a foster carer is akin to being a SAHM is absurd!!! Whenever our foster child is here (we provide respite care) I do almost no household chores and my birth children don't get a look in!!!

marriedinwhiteisback · 18/08/2013 18:51

WHen I'm at work I give 100%+. When I'm at home I give 100%+.

Wherever I am I bow in utter deference to anyone prepared to care for and mother children who aren't theirs. I find it hard enough to give my all to my own who too often drive me to the eges of insanity.

As you were.

catgirl1976 · 18/08/2013 18:55

I only give about 60% at work and 80% of home

The rest goes on Mumsnet and Candy crush

motherinferior · 18/08/2013 18:57

Yes, the foster carers I've interviewed have been pretty damn amazing. Their lives have been dedicated to the kids they foster. I don't think they got a lot of lie-ins or pamper sessions.

Snatchoo · 18/08/2013 18:57

I have a job, full time. It's not a career, I'd drop it in a heartbeat if I could!

I wish I had a career. I am a better parent when I am working, being a SAHM is not for me. I have more patience when I don't have to deal with every little tiny thing and when I have some time to myself (even if that time is being at work!)

maleview70 · 18/08/2013 18:57

I think for it to be classed as a career, there has to be a ladder to climb.

marriedinwhiteisback · 18/08/2013 19:33

When you reach the teenage years maleview there is a ladder to climb - actually there's a crane or a steeple and that's said by a mum with teenagers to be very proud of.

LessMissAbs · 18/08/2013 19:38

MotherSuperior Incidentally you still haven't explained what you mean by 'running a household'....you've said it isn't doing domestic chores but what is it

When someone talks about running a household as equivalent to a job, I have this vision of a country estate with staff to be managed, payroll for them, contracts, etc and land to be administered eg getting in farming contractors, etc.. Maybe I am being a little imaginative here because surely it must be more than paying bills which is what everyone who doesn't still live at home with their parents does!

capticorn1 · 18/08/2013 22:24

No career here either, just years of mostly fulltime minimum wage jobs.

Was not allowed to go to 6th form college (back when Maggie was PM) and youth opportunities programmes were introduced for 16-18 year olds so they were kept off the unemployment figures (3.5 million at that time, if I remember correctly). Job prospects were minimal let alone a career. There were apprenticeships but they were mostly for boys. I seem to remember that there were a few hairdressing apprenticeship for girls but there were hundreds of applicant's for them.

DuelingFanjo · 18/08/2013 22:29

I don't think you're that unusual OP, most people I know just have jobs. Or more than one job over several years.

I've always thought of career people as being the ones who ask for pay rises or move through companies getting better and better paid jobs. The rest of us with jobs do set hours with a set pay and no chance of a bonus or a pay increase.

williaminajetfighter · 18/08/2013 23:20

My parents felt very strongly that I should have a career and so in my mind that's always what I've had even if at times I was doing a job.

One of the big differentiators between job and career is the level of commitment - with a job I think you can switch off when you leave, with a career the work and worry goes on way after 5pm.

Now at 43 though I am getting tired of working every weekend and having given so much of my life to work. But it's in my nature and I couldn't have had it any other way!

Am with wispa and shellyboob on their comments above. Was important for me to have a career as always wanted financial independence. Totally Shock at the women who have never worked and always scared for women who rely completely on husbands/partners for £. All these women get so defensive and will write 'my DH and I are strong, we have this agreement and it works for my family' but when there is a divorce rate of 50% I can't see how everyone of them can be so sure that they are bulletproof. Anyway for me my career was the insurance I needed to ensure I was never destitute or 100% reliant on a man.

IsSpringSprangedYet · 18/08/2013 23:36

I am 30 this year, and haven't had what I would call a career. I left sixth form with terrible results as I couldn't be arsed to work and so just seemed to flit from job to job. All low paid too. A shame and a waste, in my eyes. I wish I would have worked harder and aspired to do something I enjoyed and did well.

I am at home with the DC now and I guess I will be for a while. After the youngest is at school, I will help DH with what he does. That will be a job for life and I'm looking forward to it. I wouldn't call it a career at that stage in my life though. Career to me sounds like the job or vocation you take up after studying or training at college or uni for, iyswim?

dysfunctionallynormal · 19/08/2013 00:25

Shellybooobs-i didn't accuse anyone of being a shit parent,that's your own insecurity talking.

Ive been planning this for the past 2 yrs,i know EXACTLY what it entails as one of my close friends is also a single foster parent and i've been working with foster children this past year.

I know i can run my household the way i'd like it to be. Unlike most of you i didn't have any financial or emotional support from mummy and daddy to propel me through life,i did it all by myself.

I haven't sneered at anyone. I don't have any issue with women who choose to have a career. In MY opinion,it is a career. You don't need to agree with it. You don't get to define my life lol!