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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask a cosleeping question?

34 replies

softlysoftly · 14/08/2013 23:38

I know the rules (I think) best with bf mothers, no smokers, drinking, medication or drugs. No pillows duvets gaps long strings on nightwear, not next to dads oron sofa's.

My question is how long do they apply for?

Dd2 is 14 months and mobile, she will not sleep in her cot past 3am so gets in ours but as I have her on the side (me between her and dh) she has fallen out once twice Blush. And she does like to nick my pillow.

Just found out as well that my MIL after claiming she sleeps all night when staying with her actually takes her into her bed and has her between her and dd1 (nearly 4). Not very happy as I'm not sure sleeping next to sibling is safe? ?

So is it now safe/unsafe for her to be next to sibling or mil?

And how else could I keep her in bed my side as mattress on floor not an option and I found bedguards she climbed!

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 14/08/2013 23:40

I would say at 14 months it'd be perfectly safe (though willing to be taught otherwise!) I think it applies more to young, immobile babies that might not necessarily be able to 'tell' you off for rolling onto them!

maja00 · 14/08/2013 23:41

Isn't there a sleep section? This isn't an AIBU.

MrsKoala · 14/08/2013 23:45

I don't know about the rules but DS is 11mo and has co-slept with us since birth. We've always had a duvet but kept it waist height. DH and i have a pillow each and ds lays on the bed in the middle (our bed is 6ft wide tho). He is on the move now and crawls round the bed and even gets down and walks into the living room if he's napping. He also sleeps with mum when he stays there and she just puts a pillow on the floor in case he rolls out - he never has.

Original poster
softlysoftly · 14/08/2013 23:45

Thanks kinky

Maja so your answer is iabu :)

OP posts:
LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 14/08/2013 23:52

Do you sleep with an arm around her?
When I co-slept with my DC (separately) I slept on my side with one arm above their head and around them. Then I brought my knees up just below them to stop them wriggling down.
Neither fell out of bed.

As for MIL co-sleeping, is she a heavy sleeper? I would have concerns about her co-sleeping with her. I think it is because I was always more aware of my babies being there when I was asleep than DH was, so I doubt MIL would be aware.
Also sleeping with a sibling is not ideal, though obviously it depends on the child. I would not let DD and DS co-sleep with each other now and they are 6 and 3. That is due to DD being a very heavy sleeper who is likely to push DS out of bed.

I think it comes down to what you are happy with really. I would not let anyone but me co-sleep with my DC.

Original poster
softlysoftly · 15/08/2013 00:05

I do sometimes sleep with arm around but sometimes she pushes me away as she wants to be bum in air and can't get comfy Hmm.

I don't think I am happy with mil cosleeping but I have irregular overnights with work, DH can't have them (also working) so she's doing me a massive favour and if she's used to sleepibg in my bed how could mil sleep her any other way

My other option is to sleep train her into all night in the cot but she's stubborn so it will be hard :(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 15/08/2013 00:24

A agree that at 14 months she's old enough not to get overheated/bogged down by covers and would kick up a fuss if she wasn't happy (IMO).

I wondered the same on a thread when DD2 was 12 months, and whether I could leave the guilt behind and just enjoy it all, MN said yes

Maybe she sleeps a bit lighter with your MIL, with it not being her normal bed with you?

I'd just bung her in between you and DH to stop her falling out, she's not going to get squashed Grin she'll just turn over/stick a foot in your eye if she's rolled into anything/body, which is what I used to worry about, rolling over and her face being in the covers.

DD2 (3.5 now) still comes in at 4/5am with an armful of cuddly toys, I don't know how she sees to get all 7 of them in the dark, or how they all fit in bed with the three of us

MrsMook · 15/08/2013 00:28

I thought the sleep advice was until a baby was mobile enough to roll into its own safe and comfortable position. A 14mth old is much stronger and has better regulated breathing patterns than a newborn. It's a much more substantial presence in the bed than a new baby too.

No proper experience of it though. DS1 was not co-sleeping material. He did sleep with his godmother and husband when DS2 was born (2.3). He'd had a very disrupted week and got dredged out of bed when I had to go to hospital. He was distressed and couldn't settle until he joined them in bed. He really needed the comfort and security on that occasion.

attheendoftheday · 15/08/2013 07:56

I think it's ok to have a pillow and duvet from a year, I think the situation you describe should be ok at 14 months - she is big enough to protest if squashed or too hot.

FrameyMcFrame · 15/08/2013 08:14

I would think a big 14 month old toddler would be fine really.
I've co slept with both my kids and DS still spends the second half of the night in at 4 years.

BuntCadger · 15/08/2013 08:21

Watching with interest as I have a ds(5) and dd(21m), 5 yr old still in with me all night, dd next to bed in cot and comes in for morning and sometimes in night. I'm expecting number 4 and trying to figure out logistics!

curlew · 15/08/2013 08:25

14 months is fine, honestly. The guidelines are just for little babies.

And I'm not sure about "not next to dads" you mention in your OP- I've never heard that.

Catsize · 15/08/2013 08:33

No problem at all. We co-slept from birth to 13mths, when our son went into his own bed. We got it in the sale, put it up, and he was so interested in it, he slept in it straight away. He was an early walker so could get in and out. Well, out more easily than in, but he managed. At 14mths, you would be fine I am sure. although she might try to sleep along the pillows and force her parnts to teeter on the edge like our son did at a B&B at the weekend. Enjoy it. We have loved co-sleeping.

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 15/08/2013 08:59

I've never heard of not next to dads. DS (13mo) sleeps between us on top of the duvet in his sleeping bag (if it's not too hot for one). He loves climbing up and draping himself over our pillows and he's fine.

ThePosterBelowMeSucks · 15/08/2013 09:05

Our DC sleeps in between me and DH from 2-3am onwards pretty much every night now, at 14 months I wouldn't think it was a problem.

Faithless12 · 15/08/2013 09:45

We did the same as MrsKoala although at 14 months he was nicking a pillow from one of us and refused to sleep under any covers.

Original poster
softlysoftly · 15/08/2013 11:00

Oh thank you glad I posted! Perhaps I have got the not next to dads wrong? I didn't let her when she was little as DH is a smoker (never in the house but still) and has sleep apnea every now and then so felt a bit risky, I will transfer her to the middle now!

catsize thats interesting about a bed, DD2 hates the cot (unlike DD1 who loved it until 3) so perhaps I should consider a low bed instead.

OP posts:
midori1999 · 15/08/2013 11:10

Softly softly, you are right about it being safer not to sleep next to Dads/between Mum and dad. One of the reasons is overheating, much more likely to happen between two sources of bodyheat and the other is that Dads generally (not always) are simply not as aware of a baby sleeping next to them as the Mum is, particularly a breastfeeding Mum. Durham parent/infant sleep lab have done research on this.

I didn't put my DD in the middle until around 18 months, I was maybe being over cautious though. Pillows and lightweight duvets are ok for over 1 year olds in their own cot though, so I wouldn't be too worried about pillows and duvets with a 14 month old, although DD never went under the duvet anyway.

SolomanDaisy · 15/08/2013 11:15

I have a bed guard on my side of the bed and DS sleeps between me and the bed guard.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/08/2013 11:20

My baby is 14 months and we've been camping for past 3 weeks with him in my sleeping bag between me and dd who regularly rolls onto him. He just wiggles away or pushes without waking up. If he gets completely smothered he wakes up and becomes pretty aggressive, kicking everyone.

sameoldIggi · 15/08/2013 11:20

I have a similar, 15 month old. Starts in his cot, then comes in with me around midnight or so. At this point, his dad gets out and goes to a spare bed! Maybe we should try all staying in though. There is no way dh would notice if the baby cried etc any more, so I would still prefer to have it: baby, me, dh. I have turned our bed round so it is lengthways against the wall, and used pillows to close up any gaps. The bed looks silly but he certainly can't fall out on that side.

BoozyBear · 15/08/2013 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiaowTheCat · 15/08/2013 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/08/2013 12:54

I find leaving the toddler in their sleeping bag (though away from your duvet obviously), vastly restricts their ability to escape from the bed. Plus then you can hog all the covers and not worry about them getting cold.

YoniBottsBumgina · 15/08/2013 13:21

Pillows and duvets are fine after 12mo.

Other relatives... well, I would be pretty relaxed about it as long as I trusted the person to judge their own awareness and say yes or no.

Siblings, the rule of thumb is 2 (for the older one) but from what I have read, the awareness of not rolling on the baby is the same as the instinct which stops you from falling out of bed, so I would base it on how likely the older child is to fall out of bed. DS still does semi-regularly at almost 5, so I don't think I would trust him, but other DC are reliable from a much earlier age (I put him in a bed at 2 and the health visitor said I must put him in a full sized bed instead of a mattress on the floor and he would soon learn not to roll out! Confused well that didn't work!)

I think when you're talking two children I'd go on some combination of how aware the older one seemed to be in their sleep, the relative size difference between them, and how likely the younger one would be to fight back if necessary, even in sleep!