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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Birthdays - aarghhh!!!

37 replies

IvaNighSpare · 14/08/2013 22:06

I'm really quite miffed and need help calming down.
My brother celebrates a milestone birthday this week, however my family and I are going on holiday over this date as it was the only time DH could get leave from work. DBro has been really arsey about this and telling us how offended he is at our 'snub'.
To add insult to injury his PFB son also celebrates a birthday during this time, and our plan was to go and see them when we got back and give them their presents, in person, a few days late.
I've just had a snotty text from DBro saying it was "a bit off not getting (PFB) a present before you go, frankly".
We leave tomorrow and haven't had the time to go buying presents, let alone delivering them. We were hoping to spend some time on our hols finding something a bit different and well thought out to bring back.
Now I'm just trawling Amazon to avoid the aggro.
AIBU in thinking that DBro is being a selfish arse??

OP posts:
Caboodle · 14/08/2013 22:10

YANBU re DB's birthday, but possibly a little BU over pressie for PFB as you knew his birthday was coming up. Will PFB get lots of pressies from others? If so - yours may not be missed so much.
Have you explained to DB your plan to look for a special present? Why not just speak to him?

Caboodle · 14/08/2013 22:11

However - 'tis done - enjoy your holiday

TheWookiesWife · 14/08/2013 22:13

Life is too short to fall out over it ! Set up cards and vouchers to be sent while you are away ! And remember to call them both on their special days ! You are entitled to a life too !! So don't feel bad ! Add a bit of flattery - ie well you don't look 40 so we didn't think you'd really want to celebrate it !! Etc might helps smooth over the disappointment of not having you there !
Have a lovely holiday !!! :-)

toastandmarmiterocks · 14/08/2013 22:17

Um, you don't order your presents! If someone chooses to give you or your PFB a gift then lovely. If not, tough. Sorry but I think your DBro is BamazinglyU. Go and have a lovely holiday, if you see a pressie you want to buy bro or PFB then lucky them, if not don't stress about it!

Emilythornesbff · 14/08/2013 22:42

Great name OP Grin
What did you get for your nephew?

countrymummy13 · 15/08/2013 00:45

Did you send cards?

I personally think gifts are one thing but that birthday cards should be sent in time for the actual birthday. What the fuck is the point in sending a card saying "Happy Birthday" after the bloody event?!

So, if you didn't even bother to send a card (or txt?!) then, yes I can see why your brother would be pissed off. If you did send a card and he's just worried about his present then I think he's being a bit precious.

However, the PFB is another matter. Holiday or no holiday I do think it's especially rude to not plan ahead so as not to miss a child's birthday. I wouldn't be happy.

Unless you want a major strop from your DB I'd suggest you get on to amazon ASAP, and pay for gift wrap!

ourlittlestreet · 15/08/2013 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnitedZingDom · 15/08/2013 01:34

countrymummy

we have a big family and cards and presents appear as and when - both are better late then never.
OP is busy getting ready for a holiday - so what if she was planning to give gifts a few days after?
you can't demand gifts or cards ffs!

and the birthdays have not happened yet, so not sure what you are angry about

countrymummy13 · 15/08/2013 07:09

"angry" unitedzingdom?! err... I think you misunderstand my level of emotional involvement with this thread Hmm

As I said, gifts are a different matter for me (ie not bother when or if they turn up).

But, actually, with birthday cards, I don't think they are better late than never. It's not about 'demanding' anything.

Surely the point of sending birthday wishes via a card is to show someone you care and that you're thinking of them?

If someone can't be bothered to get, write and send a card to in time for the actual birthday, then personally I'd rather they didnt bother. Because I think a deliberately late card just shows you don't care enough to put too much effort in.

And, lets face it, organising a birthday card isn't exactly difficult. I don't think a holiday is a suitable excuse either. We're all busy, all of the time. Plus, birthdays do come with a whole year's notice! Smile

AcrylicPlexiglass · 15/08/2013 07:32

This is one of those issues that no one agrees on because it depends on people's deeply held views on birthdays. I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck if birthday cards and presents for me or my kids don't arrive "on time" or even at all. Lovely if they do, of course, but fine if not. People are sometimes busy and/or skint (both in my case!) and these things don't loom large in their lives. I think birthdays are for immediate family only really and the circle of people whose birthdays I remember is very,very small. But there are some people who care so so much about birthdays. Inevitably those people are offended by the laissez faire attitude of people like me. Never the twain shall meet.

NotYoMomma · 15/08/2013 08:03

late presents for a child is pretty lame tbh Sad

re db birthday and holiday? not so much unless booked after an invite was accepted etc

AcrylicPlexiglass · 15/08/2013 08:14

But why would a child know or care? My daughter's 4th birthday was 2 days ago. I suspect she has some presents/cards to come when she sees members of the family who weren't there on the day. I would be totally horrified if she was making a fuss about not getting cards and presents on her actual birthday. Or even if she was resentful about not getting presents from specific people at all. She has been well and truly spoiled on her birthday by all the people who were able to be around. She had a ball. If she was distracted from having fun by focusing on not getting things from others I would think she was being greedy and grasping and I would be really worried about her morals and happiness. As it is she may well have a later birthday bonus from family members who couldn't be there on the day. The fun can be extended! Huzzah.:)

Diamondsareagirls · 15/08/2013 08:19

Going away for your DB's B'day shouldn't have caused so much fuss and he needs to calm down about that one.

I would have made sure the child has a present for their birthday though. Not having time is a rubbish excuse. You knew when the birthday was/ when you were going away.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2013 08:29

Did you explain to your brother that you were going to unfortunately have to be away for his birthday?

Or did he find out when something was being organised for it?

And you should have had PFB's present and card sorted first. (actually, both presents and cards)

littlewhitebag · 15/08/2013 08:30

My DB and his family were on holiday when I had my 50th birthday. I wasn't bothered at all. This year I didn't get a birthday present for DN for weeks as I didn't see anything I thought she would want. It was no big issue.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/08/2013 08:32

I do think late presents are a bit rubbish really. And really, you want to be traipsing round on holiday looking for gifts?

And presumably you've known about the holiday and birthday clash for a while?

So overall yabu re. the child's birthday. Your brother is a grown up though and should realise his birthday is not tham important to other people really.

StuntGirl · 15/08/2013 08:35

Cards and presents should never be expected let alone demanded, and that goes for the child too. If I were you I'd carry on as you had been doing and bring any presents/cards round after your holiday. It is exceptionally rude of your brother to behave this way and if he brought it up one more time I would tell him so.

Enjoy your holiday!

minmooch · 15/08/2013 08:37

your DB needs to get a life. I'm quite good at remembering birthdays and like to send cards. But I am not offended in any way if others forget mine or my children's. I only expect myself, their Dad and grandparents to remember the children's.

diddl · 15/08/2013 08:44

Tell them to fuck off!

A card to hopefully arrive on time.

Pressies when you get back-if at all-entitled arse!

And the rest of you on here expecting presents on time!

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2013 08:50

If you usually send presents to people it doesn't make them 'self-entitled' to expect them.

And birthdays come at the same time every year. No excuse for lateness of cards or gifts.

HorryIsUpduffed · 15/08/2013 08:52

How old is pfb?

Whatever you should have done, DB is being an arse.

Dackyduddles · 15/08/2013 08:56

Right.

You couldn't arrange presents or a visit for db or pfb considering birthdays are set dates every year and don't alter?

You had minimum if a years notice. Longer depending on ages.

YABU. And frankly rather silly.

carben · 15/08/2013 08:58

Having a birthday in August is pretty shit for school age children. They miss out on the school fuss and it's difficult to arrange things with friends because of families all doing their own thing. Add to this family members not prioritising the birthdays either because they're busy or on holiday and it can be a bit of a disappointment for a child. Not guilt tripping - personally I hate birthdays and couldn't care less but kids do see them as the next best thing to christmas.

MrsMook · 15/08/2013 09:17

Cards and presents when you see them. Much nicer in person and then there is the pleasure of giving as well as the recieving.

Yes there's a years notice on birthdays but people have more than one a year on their calander and other events too. There are other priorities in peoples lives. DH always seems to have work commitments for our key dates. This year it's been DS's birthday, mine, and shortly our wedding anniversary. Irritating, but not worth getting our knickers in a twist over. DS is goint to have to get used to his birthday clashing with Christmas. We'll do it properly, but to expect the rest of the family to kowtow around it when they have other prioities is ridiculous and precious.

Original poster
IvaNighSpare · 15/08/2013 09:19

Thanks everyone for your input so far.
Just to clarify a few things:

Neither birthday has happened so far, both are several days away.

The holiday had to be taken that week or DH would not get leave at all and there would be no holiday.
(I've apologetically explained this to DBro on several occasions, each time to be greeted with raised eyebrows and a "really???" Hmm)

Cards have been organised to arrive on time.

Presents - now - will do the same

Is it wrong to now feel I am missing out on seeing the recipients face when they receive the present? My DCs are really disappointed that they won't be able to give their cousin the presents themselves.
Yes I suppose we could have popped along early but I've been working full-time, flat-out in the run up to this much needed holiday.

Oh, and DBro has not exactly been historically forthcoming nor timely with presents for other family members himself. I've lost count the number of times I've been bunged a few quid at the last minute so I can get my DCs something "from him"......

OP posts:
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