To be concerned about this man? Can i do anything?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

One of my acquaintances on FB (a lady i know from school) lives with her father and is his carer.

Approx 3-4 times a week, there's an unpleasant status from her complaining about her father. These range from things quite petty "According to my dad, I'm not even allowed to play music now because it annoys him" to things quite worrying "I've had to go to the shop three times for that fuckin dick today coz he keeps forgetting stuff. Next time he asks, i swear to god i'll kill him."

The latest upset seems to be a disagreement between her and her father about a holiday.

She's been writing about her friend's hen do abroad for months, and has said some things about her dad not keen on her going. "He thinks I'm wasting our money", "He thinks he can't manage on his own for a week" "He thinks he's the boss of me, I deserve some fun".

Anyway, she's due to leave on Friday night for Ibiza for the week. One of her friends commented tonight asking who's going to be caring for her dad while she's gone and she has written: "Dunno. He's had months to sort something out. If it comes to it, I'm sure he'll be okay on his own 'til I come back."

Now, she is his full time carer. This is her job, she says. I don't know what condition the man has but I'm assuming it's something he can't cope with alone for a week. I used to be a carer for a short time. I know it's hardgoing 24/7, and there was no one to 'cover me'. If i had wanted to go on holiday, it would be MY responsibility to find someone to care for my relative, not his.

I'm really concerned about him and don't really know what to do. Part of me is saying "Mind your own business", but i don't think I can.

Is there anyone I can phone/contact? Do SS deal with this type of thing?

I don't even have an address or anything. I feel hopeless and somewhat responsible at the same time.

Perhaps more a relationships/wwyd rather than AIBU?

No I don't think YABU to be concerned. And she has made it your business (and the business of anyone else who sees her posts) by commenting on FB about it.

Do you know any other members of her family you could contact to see if they are aware of the situation and able to help?

YANBU and you could phone Social Services to tell them of your concerns, assuming you know his address. However, don't assume that he can't manage alone for a week. I was my mother's carer and she made my life hell until I finally managed to get away from her. She wasn't so bad that she couldn't manage by herself and she was basically just making me take responsibility for her because she had control issues. I didn't receive carers allowance and it wasn't my job as such (I went to college, then worked), but I was still her carer.

Thanks for the advice.

She does receive carer's allowance as she's mentioned it a few times before. This is why I'm assuming her father does need a carer and won't be able to cope for the week without her. Of course, I could be wrong as i don't know what condition he has.

I can't see any family on her friends list or anyone with the same surname. I have no idea if she has any other relatives nearby either.

I think I'll probably have to contact SS. Do you think i should maybe contact her first though? Of course she deserves a holiday, but i think it's her responsibility to ensure her dad is looked after while she's gone. Would it be incredibly patronising if i offered to pop in on him a few times through the week providing they live close by (I don't drive)? I'm a domestic assistant, so i do cleaning, groceries, cooking etc for people on a daily basis anyway. But i don't know if she or her dad would be overly keen on a stranger getting so involved. It does sound quite creepy actually now that i think of it. But SS seems like a huge leap.

Your posts have really touched a nerve with me. My dad has Parkinson's and can be like a child sometimes when I'm caring for him. It can get frustrating and moreso because he's always been an independent man, but there is no way I'd ever leave him alone and go out without anyone else caring for him out of frustration. Anything could happen.

The woman you describe sounds like she's not coping very well. Everyone needs a break, but she's not going the right way about it. Ask her first and offer your help and if she's doesn't accept then definitely cause SS.

The poor poor man. I just keep thinking of my dad and if anyone caring for him swore at him like that on a social networking site...it breaks my heart. That man doesn't deserve this kind of "care". .

The OTT nature of what she's posting could show a woman at the end of her tether, but it could just be someone venting when they're in an incredibly frustrating situation.

I mean the threats to kill him don't mean she's actually going to do it, which says to me that it's a vent rather than her cracking. If she was cracking then I'd expect the messages to be more basic and a bit sinister (only IMO of course). You'd be able to hear the cry for help, whereas she's being assertive about elbowing herself some down time, which she might not feel is being heard by her Dad.

Is she expecting him to read it? Or be told by someone who knows them both how she feels?

I can understand why you're in two minds about whether to act, but this is just an acquaintance and you know nothing about either of them really. I agree we should all take responsibility for vulnerable people if we come across anything dodgy, but these are just fb status updates.

I think the messages are just venting. Caring can be incredibly isolating and she probably uses the messages just to share her frustration and keep some of her sanity.
Can he cope for a week on his own? I would imagine that he probably can but only the basic level of care. If he can manage to feed himself and use the toilet then he will survive the week. She says that he has had months to sort something out and hasn't, so my first thought is that he cold have deliberately not sorted anything out in order to try and control his daughter and stop her going anywhere.
She has given her life to caing for him so I would like to think that she wouldn't leave him knowing that he really won't cope. But if you are worried then make an anonymous call to social services.

There are a number of agencies with a responsibility to safeguard vulnerable adults in the community e.g. Norfolk

Google safeguarding adults in your location and see what you get

YANBU. He is vulnerable and she sounds at the end of her tether. Both need help.

Similar 'rules' to safeguarding children. Generally people assume someone else will report/know about it or that the situation isn't as bad as it looks. Children commonly tell 5 people before anyone takes them seriously and acts on the information. Sounds like this gentleman doesn't perhaps see anyone to tell.

Even if daughter is venting and even if we have sympathy for her (I do) this still needs investigation because it sounds worrying

I agree with running and this was my first thought.
She says that he has had months to sort something out and hasn't, so my first thought is that he cold have deliberately not sorted anything out in order to try and control his daughter and stop her going anywhere.

Have you met her dad recently? She sounds very stressed out, maybe he is putting a lot of pressure on her and she's using Facebook to vent. For all you know it could be a case of
"Here's your bits from the shop"
"I asked for xx where's xxx?"
"No you didn't dad you only asked for a b and c"
" don't you start this again, your always trying to say that it's MY memory, there's nothing wrong with my memory I definitely asked for xx, I need it why wouldn't I ask for it that would be utterly stupid, are you calling me stupid, do you think I am? Maybe you should just throw me in a home norm since I'm too stupid to be around...."

Now *

If she was a paid care worker in a home would you think her attitude was acceptable?

Paid carers and kinship carers are very different and you cannot compare the two.
Paid carers usually dip in several times a day for a few minutes, they have no emotional involvement, they be paid at least minimum wage and they have a home and personal life away from the caring. Paid carers are also bound by confidentiality and minimum standards of care.
Kinship carers get a very small carers allowance for providing around the clock care, they have an emotional tie with the cared for person and often have a very limited social life of their own. The cared for person often has an emotional hold over his carer and might use emotional blackmail as a form of control. When the carer is the child of the cared for person their is also the 'respect for your elders' element to deal with where the carer feels they cannot argue back as it is their parent.
You really cannot Compare the two roles.
I agree that if the OP has genuine concerns about the mans level of care and being left alone for a week then she should contact social care and make them aware of the situation so that they can carry out an independent assessment and ensure that his needs are being met.

Is there respite care in this country? My dim recollection of home (Ireland) is that if you're a carer, the person you are caring for can stay in a home for 2 or 3 weeks once a year to give you a break.

If you know them even in a very distant sort of way, you could simply call round and see if he is ok. Could offer to get him some shopping etc? if he is unwilling to accept help from outside services he could well be trying to control his daughter in this way by saying she can't go and refusing to organise anything else.

I agree they are different runningchick but you're sympathies lie with the daughter. Maybe it would be better for both if she wasn't the career?

hen have you considered that there might be no other option than her being his carer? His disabilities / care needs might not be deemed serious enough to qualify for social care services. He might not be able to afford services provided by social care. Adults often have to make a significant contribution towards the cost of care services and this might not be affordable / wanted by the gentleman.
My sympathies don't lie with anybody, I am just trying to look at the situation from the perspective of the carer as the thread is about her attitude and apparent lack of care that she is providing. The carer has had a moan on a social networking site and wants to take a weeks holiday. She says her dad has had plenty of time to get replacement care and hasn't done so - what do you expect her to do? Is she supposed to get services to come in against his will? Se probably can't do right for doing wrong.

If she is an mum/aquaintance from school, is it fair to assume she lives close?

In that case offer to pop in mid week - say something like you'd hate for her break to be ruined if she had to come back over something her dad needed.

Alterbatively you could find yourself sucked into his needy world, and might not be able to step out, even after she's back.

I am a social worker for older people, please do not just leave this. The fact that she is posting these messages could signal a number of things. The most imminent issue is that he is going to be left alone for the week. He may well cope fine, but he may not. You do not know his level of need etc so I would phone your local council and talk to the duty social worker at adult services. They can phone him and do an initial assessment over the phone and send someone out if necessar. they may already even know himy. They can also speak to the daughter and offer her some carer support as it definitely sounds like she is struggling. Caring is a massive responsibility and whilst she may not mean it when she says that she will kills him, she is obviously finding things tough, and there is lots of help available to her. How well do you know her? You could point her in the direction of www.carers.org - the princess trust can offer great support and advice but also emergency care etc.

Phone your local ss.

Hth

As somebody who has been a carer for years and knows plenty of other carers I think that fairy130389 has some very unrealistic ideas about the criteria needing to be met in many areas to get support from social services. For what it's worth I am also currently a registered social worker and have experience of social care from both the service user and social worker perspective (although in children's services instead of adults).
Carers are supposed to get an assessment of their own needs (legislation says so) but I don't know many carers who have actually received one, despite requesting them.
Obviously different local authorities respond in different ways and offer services based on different criteria, but I often isn't as simple as just phoning up and getting an initial assessment carried out over the phone. Getting a repeat assessment from social care in my area is nigh on impossible once a case has been previously closed due to not meeting the criteria for intervention. Social care all too often fail to recognise that needs change and individual coping mechanisms fluctuate.
I totally agree that the OP should phone social care (and I said this in my first post) and tell them about the concerns that she has as I would hate to think tha a vulnerable person is left unable to care for himself for a week. However, I do feel that we shouldn't be slating the carer for the things that she is writing on facebook or assuming that she is mistreating this man or leaving him in a desparate situation for a week to swan off on holiday as we don't know the full facts and only a formal assessment will show what the actual situation is.
As somebody else has pointed out, if the OP is genuinely concerned she could offer to help out with caring for the gentleman as well as speaking to the carer about a referral or ringing social services herself.
Too many people are prepared to pass judgment without actually doing anything to help themselves.

How do you know that he does not meet criteria? It is a legal requirement for us to carry out an assessment when requested. The initial assessment is done over the phone in our area to meet this guideline - I'm not suggesting that they would definitely provide a service, but they have an obligation to at least ask the right questions in order to get a gauge of level of need. This is different o the full assessment which yes, depends on whether you meet the initial eligibility criteria.

They can also sign post to other voluntary organisations that may be of use if he does not meet the criteria.

Yes, budgets are stretched and it i hard to secure funding, and yes social workers are pressed for time and eligibility criteria is high now but for all we know he could have a critical need and require 24 hour care... Or not. That is the purpose of the initial assessment.

Obviously this varies from local authorities but that is the basic level to expect.

Of course if the op does not have his details then it is kind of a moot point anyway.

And to be honest, even if local AS department are crap and do nothing, it will at least have been flagged up. Also think that the offer to pop round during the week is a good one if you know them.

You need to come and tell my local authority about their legal requirement to carry out an assessment when requested -I have made several requests and been told my child can't have one because the last assessment (3 years ago) showed tha he didn't meet the criteria for services to be provided. I have to show that there has been a significant change in circumstances, which there has and school have verified that and pushed foran assessment, but the computer says no.
The problem with these things is that the legislation is open to interpretation and different local authorities interpret it differently.

Thanks very much for the advice. Just to clarify, the lady is someone i went to school with, not a mum from dd's school. She doesn't have any family that I know of apart from her dad.

I think I'm going to pluck up the courage and send an email via facebook to her.

How does this sound?

'Hi, L.

I noticed that you're a bit worried how your dad will manage while you're off on holiday next week. I travel around the town for work anyway each day, so if you live close by, I wouldn't mind popping in with shopping or to check on him every now and then until you get back? Sorry if it sounds a bit forward, I just know how difficult it can be and thought I'd offer."

Smiley face.

That sounds terrible, doesn't it?

Then if she doesn't respond, or responds with something along the lines of 'he'll be fine on his own', I may try and contact SS for further advice.

I think it sounds lovely & very kind.

But the last sentence:

"I just know how difficult it can be and thought I'd offer."

Should read :

"I know just ................................

If you see what I mean.

Bloody hell you lot are much nicer than me. I think that she sounds absolutely horrible and uncaring rather than at the end of her tether. It would not matter a jot how exhausted, frustrated and tired I became in that situation - I would certainly not post offensive bile about my father on a shit social networking site.

I feel terribly sorry for him.