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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell clothes/toys instead of passing on to my nephew?

30 replies

sweetkitty · 13/08/2013 08:52

I'm really torn about this, my nephew is about 16 months younger than my DS (nephew is an only child, DS my fourth if that matters).

Obviously there's a lot of clothes and toys DS has grown out of that I have passed to my brother and SIL for my nephew, the thing is I have never had one thanks for any of it.

Now I'm not looking for a big gushing OTT thank you or wine and flowers but I think a simple text saying thank you for X would be nice.

At the start of the Summer I gave them a nearly new smart trike and a huge bag of clothes, not things like vests or anything stained but the best quality stuff, winter jackets etc. not a word of acknowledgement they got them. Now if they not like second hand or it's not to their taste fine, charity shop them but say thanks.

I now have a lot of toys DS has grown out of, would it be wrong to sell them on eBay and put towards Christmas instead of giving then to my nephew? My brother and SIL both work FT so it's not like they are scrimping by.

OP posts:
waltzingmathilda · 13/08/2013 08:58

Sell it.

Eyesunderarock · 13/08/2013 08:58

Go for it, and continue to do so. Then if they really want or need something, they could always ask you to put it by, please, when your DS has outgrown it.
Yes, they should have said thank you every time you gave them a donation.and if they didn't want your stuff they should have declined and asked that you donate it to somewhere that really needs it.
But perhaps they are embarrassed, or shy, or don't know how to ask you to stop without upsetting you.
Have they ever asked you to pass on stuff? Or have you assumed that they would want it?
Have they used a lot of the stuff, or are they buying their PFB everything new?

DescribeTheRuckus · 13/08/2013 08:58

I have family members like that, I was passing MY stuff down to SIL and her daughter and I've stopped giving them stuff for that reason. It wasn't only that they weren't even remotely thankful, but my SIL started to look at what I was wearing when we were together and comment that she 'couldn't wait to get that top/skirt/jacket, etc.'

No. Just no.

missalien · 13/08/2013 08:59

Sell it

ENormaSnob · 13/08/2013 09:00

Sell it.

Turniptwirl · 13/08/2013 09:05

Sell it

Original poster
sweetkitty · 13/08/2013 09:09

I did say to my brother about the trike he was really keen to have it, they have used it just never said thanks.

Even if they really don't want the clothes they could either say no we have loads already or take them say thanks and charity shop them I've done both in the past.

When they last visited SIL mentioned nephew was only in a vest as he had grown and didn't fit anything (I have them a bag if last years summer clothes) maybe she had forgotten, I didn't even notice he was wearing a vest (have enough hassle dressing my own DC never mind noticing what anyone else's is wearing).

I just feel guilty selling things I know I could pass on but at the same time with 4 DC it would help me out.

OP posts:
SuperiorCat · 13/08/2013 09:09

Yanbu sell it

HorryIsUpduffed · 13/08/2013 09:18

Sell it. Even if they were grateful, you need the money and they shouldn't rely on your generosity anyway.

raisah · 13/08/2013 09:19

Sell it. It is obvious that it is making you feel uncomfortable and selling it will be a good way of drawing a boundary. They are expecting a handout which is why they don't feel the need to be thankful towards you.

pigletmania · 13/08/2013 09:46

Yanbu At all, they sound rude ad ungrateful. Their ds should not be in a vest, they are his parents they should buy him clothes. Te more people are grabby, te less I want to give. Sell them, or give them to,the local women's centre or social services

RenterNomad · 13/08/2013 09:54

...although you shouldn't be distressed if you don't get much for your things. I've really been struggling to shift stuff at table sales, so it's a relief that my BIL is expecting. I've also been taking lots of stuff to the charity shop.

Remember that even if you end up taking stuff to the charity shop, you will still be "paid" in the thanks for them which your brother and SIL aren't giving you! Smile

IHeartKingThistle · 13/08/2013 09:59

We have this issue only it's MIL who does this Hmm if we sell something that in theory we could have passed on to our neice. I really want to get rid of the plastic playhouse and they go for quite a lot on ebay, but it was originally a present from MIL (awkward!) and I know she'll expect us to pass it to BIL and SIL (their baby isn't even mobile yet). I need to be brave!

Your SIL sounds rude. Do you think she will bring it up if you stop giving her stuff?

Original poster
sweetkitty · 13/08/2013 10:01

I do take a lot of stuff to the charity shop as well but also like to pass on. I give to local toddler groups and save things for the toy stall at the school fayre. I am talking about the bigger more valuable things.

I guess I'm just upset by their attitude Hmm

OP posts:
afromom · 13/08/2013 10:02

I pass things on to my cousins' DS's but only a couple of items at a time. Then I sell the rest. Tbh I need the money so I hand a few things down as I know they appreciate them and always say thank you, but sell the rest.
If they didn't seem to want them or didn't say thank you I would sell them all!

MissMarplesBloomers · 13/08/2013 10:21

sweetkitty YANBU & yes your family should be a little less rude in thanking you.Sell the higher priced items & give the rest to charity.

Can I suggest you find the number of your local Women's Aid office, they are usually in great need of things like this, but don't have storage space so would take it for a specific refuge.

These poor families often leave with literally what they stand up in or can grab on the way out.

So if you are going to give to charity please consider them as they are less high profile in terms of charity donations than a lot of causes.

oldgrandmama · 13/08/2013 10:30

Sell the stuff. After all, the proceeds will go to a good cause - Christmas presents! They sound rather ill mannered not even to thank you.

CSIJanner · 13/08/2013 10:39

My sister gives me clothes that are five years too big for mine. I appreciate it, always say thank you even though DH complains that its more stuff cluttering up the house. It's basic manners.

Sell them. Have you got a local FB children's selling page? I've been offloading loads there, then handing clothes and toys to the local church groups for clothes distribution at their discretion and toys for the groups to play with. The thing is, if they've never said thank you, you don't know if they appreciate the gesture. The charity shops and church groups will.

mamamidwife · 13/08/2013 10:52

Sell it yourself on eBay or gumtree,
They maybe selling the some if the stuff you give them, that's a cynical attitude I have I know but I had a work colleague whose SIL was doing that!

DuelingFanjo · 13/08/2013 10:58

sell it

cathpip · 13/08/2013 11:00

Sell it and the clothes that you can't sell donate them to your local women's refuge, I'm sure you will get a thank you from them!

pigletmania · 13/08/2013 11:38

Sell them op don't give them anymore

girlywhirly · 13/08/2013 11:39

Sell the things. People who are so ignorant as to expect hand outs with no thanks or any acknowledgement don't deserve them. Time for them to realise the true cost of providing for a child when they are no longer given things. Your own DC come first as you are putting the money raised towards their Christmas.

MrsLouisTheroux · 13/08/2013 11:43

Expensive, pristine Cot, baby carriers in various sizes, baby walker, bouncy thing, stair gates x2 were passed on to my BIL's family via my BIL.
Not a word of thanks.
YANBU

Jan49 · 13/08/2013 12:04

How do they actually receive the stuff you pass on to them? I can't figure out how someone doesn't say thank you. If you hand the stuff to them directly I'd expect them to say thank you as they take them. If they get them more indirectly and don't thank you, that's very rude.

But I would also ask if they want second hand clothing rather than just handing stuff on and expecting them to let you know if they didn't want second hand. It's embarrassing for the recipient if they don't want to be given stuff, so I'd ask first.

It sounds like they either don't want the stuff or are too rude to thank you even though they want it, so I'd give it to charity or sell it instead. If you need the money then I'd sell the expensive things too.