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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to challenge a racist remark made by a ten year old ?

126 replies

hooochycoo · 12/08/2013 08:33

A ten year old very well, I know remarked to me that Indians should all go home and stop trying to make little Indias in England. I was shocked and told them that that was a racist thing to say, said that they should do some reading about immigration and emmigration and that it wasn't nice to say things like that . I also tried to explain how if they went to other countries they'd find british people living there, making little Englands, that people lived all over the world. And that they shouldn't say these things when they hadn't travelled outside Britain.

I wasn't angry or shouting. I was amazed at what they were saying and insistent.They said that they knew already everything they needed to know already because they'd seen newsround and seen pictures of India, and that indians were going round killing people and blowing things up. I then said that they sounded bigoted and explained bigot, before the child's mother stopped me.

The child's mother is really angry at me and has said that that her child wasn't racist because she's too young and that she justified in saying those things because of a boy at her school that was indian who was mean to her and because of the news coverage of the woolwhich attack.
. and that I was completely out of order to say what i said. Apparently I attacked her child and was patronizing. She said a ten year old couldn't be racist because they are a child and compared it too a four year with a stutter, saying i wouldn't have told the four year old he had a speech impediment.

what do you think ? aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
hooochycoo · 12/08/2013 19:41

yeah sorry, was trying not to be too indentifiable in the OP. But now wondering if it makes a difference.

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 12/08/2013 19:48

Whoever you are in the child's life I think you overstepped the mark by quite a way going in to add much detail as you did and whilst they may be relevant, words like racist and bigot are very emotive and even moreso when applied to children.

I would have though a gentle steer away from such comments for the child, and a swiftly organised, serious chat with the mum in private would have been more appropriate.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 12/08/2013 19:51

so i think opinion is pretty much split, which is good as neither of us are out on a limb. An apology is in order and hopefully she'll follow suit too. thanks all, i appreciate your time and opinions.

OP posts:
MexicanHat · 12/08/2013 20:08

thebody no-one has suggested the welsh as a nation are racist. Not sure how you've come up with that?? Of course racism exists everywhere.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/08/2013 20:08

I hope you can clear it up. I don't think there was anything else you could do, was there? Just sit there and listen to your DN say racist and biggoted things and not challenge it?

Similarly, if kids come over to mine and start with that, "you can't play with that, that's for boys/girls stuff" I would and have challenged it. I might explain sexism to them too.

Original poster
hooochycoo · 12/08/2013 20:12

well yes, i really think i'd do it again tbh, i do feel very strongly that racism should be challenged. but next time i'd definately choose my words. i was just so shocked, i didn't have time to put together my response. i wasn't unkind though, i said everything with a calm tone of voice and was trying to offer ideas.

OP posts:
thebody · 12/08/2013 20:14

Mexican no of course not just at least 2 posters mentioned Wales associated with racist remarks.

as I think I said no country had the high ground here.

racists are everywhere and if every skin colour.

MexicanHat · 12/08/2013 20:22

I simply mentioned Wales as that's where the situation occurred. I'm not stupid enough to think that all 3 million people residing in Wales are racist.

And of course your right people of any skin colour can be racist

SuckAtRelationships · 12/08/2013 20:22

Use of the word 'bigot' to a ten year old was out of line. WAY out of line IMO, but I don't think challenging was wrong.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/08/2013 22:11

Why is the word bigot way out of line?

Saying all Indians should go home is bigoted - what else is it?

curlew · 12/08/2013 22:19

Why on earth is saying that what she said sounded bigoted and explaining what that meant being WAY out of line?

Original poster
hooochycoo · 12/08/2013 22:39

i'm interested in that too

OP posts:
Turniptwirl · 12/08/2013 22:42

I possibly wouldn't have used the words bigot and racist precisely to try and avoid the awkwardness of a confrontation.

But I think we absolutely should challenge children that say these things, as long as we do so reasonably and calmly, and its not some random child at a bus stop but a child you are familiar with.

A 10 year old is old enough to know better than to say these things. A five year old I would still say that'd not a nice thing to say though

curlew · 12/08/2013 22:46

Hootchycoo- just so you know, I am completely with you on this one. I don't think you need to apologise for anything.

FranSanDisco · 12/08/2013 23:04

I think you were right to challenge and discuss this. I have a 10 yo ds and he comes out with opinions which he has heard at school through peers and often these are rather confused or ill informed. I 'debate' these with him and give him scenarios to think about. We have discussed what is deemed as racism and what isn't really racism but may come under 'being prejudiced', what being zenophobic is as well as being a bigot. We have just had a big chat about the word 'freshie'; he wants to know is it racist or a form of prejudice?? Popular slang is often used parrot fashion without thinking of implications. If your challenge helps this 10 yo to think then that is good imho.

kali110 · 13/08/2013 00:31

Think you were brave and def not bu. i cant believe the mum thought it was acceptable because the other child had been mean to hers???

Mimishimi · 13/08/2013 00:45

He's hearing it at home. I do YABU to call him a bigot though - I would have casually mentioned, more for his mother's ears than his, how Britain colonised India in the eighteenth century and were there well into the last. That they boasted of an empire on which the sun never sets and Australia's biggest source of illegal immigrants are from the UK because they don't think they need a proper visa, us being their former penal colony and all that.

The kid being mean? I too have heard some shockers from Indian kids who take on the equally racist views of their elders ( Indian civilization, their particular caste, vegetarianism is superior etc). You're always going to get it, wherever you are.

ravenAK · 13/08/2013 00:52

What the child said was both racist & bigoted.

If one of my dc is ever picked up by a family member for making racist, bigoted remarks, I shall be completely mortified. It won't be the family member who'll need to worry about my reaction - dc's feet wouldn't touch the ground.

YADNBU.

Eebahgum · 13/08/2013 08:23

If a child of any age said this at school they'd be sent to the head and recorded in our racist incident book. I think you did her a favour pointing out it's not a nice thing to say. Repercussions will be much worse as she gets older.

apachepony · 13/08/2013 08:50

I think you are totally nbu, and at least the strong language of racist and bigot has made both child and mother seriously stop and take notice! If you do feel the need to apologise, I think it should more be "I am sorry if my words made you feel that/hurt..." Rather than "I am sorry for saying..."

Oblomov · 13/08/2013 09:05

Ds is nearly 10 and some of his views are very naieve. He gets these views from a variety of places: us schools, news, programmes , etc. And even then, sometimes he explains things and I am shocked at how he has taken something and not grasped it in it's entirety.
But then he is only 10.

Pagwatch · 13/08/2013 09:11

I don't think you need to apologise OP.
I said upthread that I thought using bigot and racist to a ten year old was unhelpful but you were not using them as an insult or an attack so you don't have nothing for which you need to apologise.

My point remains that using language which the child and his mother will be offended by will just make everything you said about that - not about changinging and challenging his views. Just like this thread.

kali110 · 13/08/2013 12:27

Ywnbu but im sorry you are now stuck in an awkward situation

PeriodFeatures · 14/08/2013 13:00

Hi OP , I think for me, the words 'racist' and 'bigot' are labelling and not suitable for a child of 10.

To say 'that sounds bigoted because...xyz' or 'that sounds racist because..xyz' Is a little bit more appropriate. It's that old thing of the problem being the behaviour, not the child.

About apologising, I think a different conversation would be more appropriate. I think this mother really needs to acknowledge that the views that her child was expressing were completely out of order.. Can you be upfront and tell her that you were shocked? Going straight in with an apology might be seen to dismiss it all together.

And actually, a shocked slightly inappropriate reaction is better than none at all in this instance. If the child could see you were shocked and angry, that is not a bad thing.

How have you got on anyway?

MyBaby1day · 16/08/2013 04:08

YANBU, no-one, adult or child, should be allowed to make racist remarks like that and if she continues to do this throughout her life it could land her in trouble!. You were right. Indian people have as much right to live in England as anyone else, all are welcome as far as I am concerned, it would be nice for a child to learn more about us trying to get along with each other and be shown examples of this. And yes, my Spanish friend tells me many British people make parts of Spain like 'Little England's'!! ha ha.