To tell my friend (gently) that his dads possessions are not worth any money?

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My dear friend lost his dad a year ago. Sad, but not unexpected. His dad lived in a rented flat and the landlord was very understanding about giving us time to clear the possessions, but it did need to be done quite quickly as the flat needed a complete refurb before he found new tenants.

A lot of the things were packed up and are being stored. My friend (df) is paying for this storage.

DF had to pay for the funeral, as his dad had no money or savings at all. He talked at the time about selling the possessions to recoup the money for the funeral - that might sound a bit mercenary but he is on NMW so does not have much money either.

The biggest problem is that his father was, to try and put it delicately, probably living with mental health issues and rarely left his flat. He had a dog and also smoked very heavily. As such, his possessions - mostly books, dvds and old computers - are all very grimy, covered in dog hairs and smell very very strongly of smoke.

I honestly don't think anything is going to sell. My friend seems to think he can sell the books and DVDs at car boot sales to recoup some of the £3000 he paid for the funeral. We went to one car boot and didn't even make back the money that it cost for the pitch. There were people there that were selling pristine, brand new looking hardback books for 50p to £1. Most of the books we had taken were paperbacks, broken spines, yellowed pages and just dirty looking.

He has just found out that the army benevolent fund, or a similar organisation - I'm not sure of the details, are going to reimburse him the money for the funeral because of his fathers military service.
Since the money is no longer the issue, should I, gently, try to tell him that i think he is wasting money, paying for storage for items that will not sell. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I also don't want to give him false hope...

:( Yes, I think you should tell him, or maybe convince him that, as the charity are paying for the funeral, maybe it would be nice to donate his stuff to charity?

Yep, charity shop. You don't necessarily have to tell him that his father's stuff is 'not worth' anything then. Just point out the time expense and effort necessary to sell the goods means that he may not be able to sell them at a profit. And that it would do an awful lot of good if they went to a charity shop.

I wonder if there is one which is concerned with ex forces that he might like to give them to?

I don't even think a charity shop would want them tbh... But it might be a good compromise and would solve the problem of paying for storage.

Well, if he hasn't realised by now, you will need to tell him quite gently butfirmly.

I would tell him but don't expect him to thank you for it or to take any notice. My mum has been keeping loads of junk in storage for years and paying through the noise for the privilege. Every so often she does a car boot, makes no money so puts the stuff back in storage Nothing I say makes any difference. Its a form of hoarding and really affects her life and our relationship. It makes me very sad and I believe it is a symptom of insecurity and depression. Do you think your friend is still mourning?

He may not be ready to part with them yet iyswim. I'd mention it lightly but not push the issue.

I have a load of my grandparents' stuff hanging around in boxes here. I don't want all of it but I don't want to get rid of it yet.

Hope that makes sense?

Charity shop seems like the best suggestion. He must be pouring money down the drain on storage costs surely? Help him do the maths. Getting rid of stuff is an important step in grieving and he's lucky to have a friend to help him along the journey.

Not really fair to take it to a charity shop if it's old junk that won't sell, they'll end up paying to have it taken away. I think the local tip recycling centre would be better, they can sort it and take what can be reused and chuck the rest in the skip there and then. Our local one seems very keen to use what they can - they come and take the bags off me and go through them even if I try to say there is nothing worth having in there. He might feel better about dumping it if he knows they will reuse what they can.

There are some charities that will take anything as they will work out how to make money out of it. Might be worth making discrete enquiries.

Our local tip recycling centre has units for books, DVDs, videos etc in any condition to raise money for the air ambulance in the area. Maybe there's something like that?

I think you should tell him the truth, but at the same time perhaps you could offer to help him go through it and recycle anything that is salvageable. Sorting through a parent's belongings is a very daunting and emotional task and he may need a lot of support to do this. Even if you end up taking the stuff away and dumping it, perhaps that is actually the most helpful thing you can do for him? It can be very hard to let go..

Is this a v close friend? You say that the landlord gave 'us' time to clear the place. I'm not sure it's got much to do with you, really-you can suggest he gets rid of the stuff but tbh he'll probably realise that it's worth nothing fairly quickly.

You owe it to him to tell him. You might be able to make a few pennies from book/DVD selling companies online when you scan in the barcodes, but I have a feeling it won't be worth your while. I would take it all down the charity shop and move on.

It's almost impossible to sell books any more. Some of our local charity shops have 'No more books thanks' signs up. I have just spent two weeks helping my friend to clear her mum's house, she had two weeks in the end as it had sold, after months of clearing it bit by bit. Her parents were readers, there were some 5000 books in the house including some old first editions. A dealer came and cherry-picked, gave a few hundred ££, then we were left with the rest. We took loads to oxfam shops - if you register for Gift Aid, you get a number which then goes with your gift, and if they have to junk your books they get 25p each.

It was most distressing when the clearance company, who had to be paid to move out everything that was not put into store, set upon the books as their first task. They immediately began chucking loads straight in the bin. We had been told they would try to recycle and/or sell on what they could. OK they may know the market, but we felt these could at least have been given a chance in a s/h shop. We then ran round rescuing stuff, and I have ended up with a dozen big boxes that I will try in a local jumble /fundraising sale, then they will have to go to a charity shop. Anything less than in good condition just has to go for recycling.

As someone who spends hundreds of ££ a year on books it's incomprehensible to me. I think this is a recent change. I reckon it's all us Boomers who were the ones who bought books all our lives and are now decluttering.

The clearers said that what sells are solid books of 'facts' eg gardens, food, but not fiction. Aaargh.

Ooh, wasn't expecting many more replies.

Redlocks - he is a very close friend, I'd go so far as to say my best friend. I helped him clear car loads of stuff from his dads flat when he needed to get it done. We were there until midnight some nights, just us two, boxing up books and stuff. I know it's not really got anything to do with me but it is frustrating seeing him pay money that he really cannot afford, to keep these items in storage until he has time to take them to a car boot sale.

i cannot emphasise how grubby all these things are. Literally caked in dust. I worked in a charity shop for a few years after I left school and we would have thrown items in this condition away. The fact that they are books seems to be one of the main sticking points - I think it is actually much more of an emotional attachment than he is willing to accept.

I cannot possibly understand how hard it is to have lost a parent as I have not been in that position, but the last thing I want to do is hurt my friends feelings.

Boffinmum - funnily enough, while he was at work today he signed up to one of those online DVD sales sites and scanned in quite a few bar codes of the box of discs he took with him. One or two came up at a couple of pounds but most of them were priced at 20p or so.

His words were 'but they cost so much new?' I think he is starting to realise that the demand for secondhand items is almost next to nothing these days... Wen you can walk into HMV and buy a new, in packaging DVD that is less than a year old for just a couple of pounds... Nobody is going to want a used item for that price.

I suspect that part of the problem is that his mother wants him to make some money - she is of the generation that wants to leave an inheritance behind for her children but probably won't be able to.

I think the trickiest thing is being afraid of overstepping the mark between trying to be helpful and being harsh... Obviously I don't want him to rush into any decision he may later regret regarding disposing of items that may have sentimental value... On the other hand it has been a year and when I try to suggest anything can go to the tip (I.e. some flat cushions that have seen better days) he balks at doing so because 'they might be useful'

Very depressing about second hand books not selling. My DH is constantly trying to persuade me to part with much loved old books as our house is filling up. Are they really worth nothing? I have been filling a box for the Amnesty International bookshop.

OP I think you do need to tell your friend kindly - but he might not be ready to hear it.

Physical books & DVDs are worth next to nothing, unless rare.

I have a Kindle & never buy new books now. The odd unavailable older title, second hand, but that's it.

Equally, anything that's available on dvd will be downloadable as a free torrent, so unless someone really wants to physically own the disc (& why would you? Dusty clutter, easily scratched) they're unlikely to buy DVDs second hand.

Honestly, I think you need to break it gently to your friend that technology has moved on, & the books/DVDs aren't saleable, just as VHS tapes & audio cassettes aren't.

Best probably to find a charity/recycling centre that can make some use of them - he'll never recoup the cost of continued storage, or make it worth his time carbooting etc.

We had to clear out my parents house last year.

We ended up filling at least 3 skips, there was so much. Of course we took the (personal) stuff we wanted, but only what we could fit into our house/appartment.

Anything that was useful to the charity shops, we took down there. Gave away stuff too (garden plants etc.).

Stuff like old dusty encyclopeadias (sp?), cookery books are not really in demand anymore and we had to get rid of them. Like my sister said, you can google - MN recipes! - all that now!
True, but I was glad that my DS took his grandad's old books that were of interest to him.

It's sad that your friend is paying good money to keep stuff that sounds like it should go to the tip. I guess he needs time to come to terms with it.
I am still(!) going through stuff that I took and dividing it into what I want to keep and what can be chucked out. Cos some memories are precious. (family photos, obviously).

It has turned into a bigger project of tipping stuff of my own that I've "kept for ages cos I may need it one day" cos I don't want my DS to have to go through all that too when the time comes.
Must say, it feels great to declutter!

Even better, it has made me question buying unnecessary "tat" so it's win win all round!

You sound like a great friend.

Where we live in London there is are both Oxfam & Amnesty bookshops. They charge £1.99 for adult paperbacks & more for other books. I think that if you donate books to either of these charities they will move books around the country to their specialist shops.

I am sorry your friend is having to deal with discovering his father's possessions are of low value & agree with those up thread that you need to break this to him as soon as possible.

I've been decluttering, and find this depressing, too. The children's table sales are particularly sad: so litte interest in the clothes which contained my darling little boy when he was little and squishy! My DD us still little, so her clothes don't represent as much of a "lost" age...

Thank God my BIL is now expecting, so I can become one of those dreadful prople who impose their Vile Secondhand Taste on new parents

Thank you all. I think I just need to take a deep breath and have a real heart to heart with him.
I have just remembered that last year, while it was all still so fresh and recent, we had exactly the same conversation about two old television sets that he had. The massive old tube ones, I think that's what they were called.

He wanted to lug them to a car boot sale 'just in case' and I actually refused to help him carry them as I have bad wrists due to an accident a few years ago. My argument was the same then - nobody is going to spend £20 on a massive old TV set at a car boot sale when they can go to tesco/argos/wherever and buy a new flat screen one for a bit more... We argued it back and forth, the subject got dropped before it got heated and it wasn't mentioned again. I suspect he took them home and tried to sell them without telling me and couldn't admit that to me later.

Oh god, this could end up getting a bit messy...