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Original poster

To not want to kiss my hubby a thousand times a day?!

41 replies

HaveAGoodDay · 11/08/2013 10:36

We've been married 10 years. There is an issue in our relationship that's putting huge pressure on us, well mainly me, basically my sex drive is non exsistant, it disappeard around the time our first child was born, nearly 8 years ago. I am seeking help with this. But my husband isn't a patient man & is becoming increasing frustrated. We do have sex, so he isn't going without and I'm trying to make an effort.

His main concern now, as he says is 'the little things'. He likes to kiss & cuddle. He wants to kiss frequently throughout the day, when he's not at work obviously. I on the other hand, are just not that tactile. I just don't get it, after ten years if marriage, which couple snogs a dozen times a day? He makes a huge deal out of it, as I just don't 'give back'. It turns into an argument & it ends up him accusing me if being not normal or not a normal wife.

We are with our kids 24/7. We haven't got grandparents to rely on for babysitting so we never ever go out. He never makes me feel special and rarely makes me feel good about myself. He knows this but he still doesn't get it. It's come to us saying we can't go on like this. I feel exhausted.

OP posts:
AnneUulmelmahay · 11/08/2013 10:40

So he gets the hump if you don't service him regularly, and sulks if you are not affectionate to his standards, yes?

Are your household tasks and chores split reasonably? Do.uo

Branleuse · 11/08/2013 10:40

maybe youre just not suited?
He doesnt make you feel special, and it sounds like you dont make him feel very special either

AnneUulmelmahay · 11/08/2013 10:42

Do you work?

Sorry for a barrage of questions, jusy trying to get a feel if eha

NatashaBee · 11/08/2013 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneUulmelmahay · 11/08/2013 10:42

Do you work?

Sorry for a barrage of questions, just trying to get a feel of what your wider homelife is like.

Branleuse · 11/08/2013 10:43

If my partner had a non existant sex drive for 8 years and got irritated every time i tried to kiss or cuddle him, it would just feel awful.

What is the point in that relationship? Do you laugh together?

pictish · 11/08/2013 10:43

I'm not surprised you feel exhausted. It sounds intense and very draining. He's trying (and succeeding) to grind you down.

You say your sex drive disappeared when your baby was born. Did anything else change then? You say your husband is not a patient man. Was he patient then? Was he supportive and encouraging to you...did he pull his weight?
You say he rarely makes you feel good abiut yourself. Is this the reason your libido has dwindled?

TiggyD · 11/08/2013 10:49

'Grown apart' seems like it might be the right phrase. Seems like the marriage is quite a lonely thing for him, if he wants love and affection but can't get any from you.
" after ten years if marriage, which couple snogs a dozen times a day?" - A happy couple who are still in love with each other.

TiggyD · 11/08/2013 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMuesli · 11/08/2013 10:50

I can see why he would be frustrated, but he is going about it all wrong. when you say kiss, does he just want a cheeky snog or does he always want it to lead some where?

WhoNickedMyName · 11/08/2013 10:51

You day he's not a patient man but you're only now, after 8 years, addressing your lack of sex drive. I'd say he sounds pretty patient.

To me it sounds like he's desperate for any affection. It's soul destroying being with someone that doesn't want to be intimate in any way with you. It makes you feel in attractive, unloved and absolutely batters your self esteem.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/08/2013 10:52

Are we talking full-on snogs here? We do kisses (pecks) and cuddles throughout the day but full-on snogging tends to leave my dh wanting more...not really appropriate with 3 children in the house!

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/08/2013 10:53

Are you at all affectionate towards him? I would be upset if my dp withdrew all affection. Sex isn't the be all and end all but if there was no other affection I wouldn't probably leave him.

My mum and step dad have been married well over 10 years, they still kiss. My grandparents have been married 50 years and still kiss. I think it's nice.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/08/2013 10:53

*I would probably.

RinseAndRepeat · 11/08/2013 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themaltesefalcon · 11/08/2013 10:57

I'd be sad if my husband never responded to, or shied away from, my kisses.

SelectAUserName · 11/08/2013 11:01

I feel sorry for both of you. To spend 4/5ths of a ten year marriage not in receipt of genuine, spontaneous affection / intimacy must be very lonely for him. You say he isn't a patient man but if he's only becoming frustrated now, after eight years, I'd disagree.

Equally it must be very exhausting for you, feeling under pressure and wondering if responding to his request for more kisses is going to lead to pressure to keep going. You say he doesn't make you feel special. Does he think that by continuing to feel and display physical attraction for you, that should be enough to make you feel special? Does he know what sort of things would and would he be prepared to try them? Or would that simply ramp up further expectation that because he did X or Y which he knows you like, then you should be prepared to have sex "in return"?

Have you tried counselling, either together or separately? Do you WANT to find him sexually attractive again, really and truthfully? Or are you at the point where you are close to accepting you are simply ill-matched?

meditrina · 11/08/2013 11:02

Do you think you have grown apart?

Sex lives have their very flat patches, but of there is an absence of affection as well it sounds like a dead relationship. He is your DH, not a friend/flatmate/father. Yes, daily snogs and little affectionate touches are normal - irrespective of length of marriage - and you do not seem interested. You say he's been patient, but is now upset and the arguments are escalating.

I think you need to find the time and space to decide what you want in your future - and your DH needs the opportunity to do the same. This may or may not mean you continue this marriage: if he finds the utter absence of affection intolerable, and you are uninterested in any physical affection even kissing, then I don't see much of a way ahead.

Sparrowlegs248 · 11/08/2013 11:02

I agree that he seems pretty patient if this has been as issue for 8 years. We haven't been married long, but together for 12 yrs and frequently have a cuddle, often while chatting, and little kisses. Snogs turn into sex for us so we don't tend to snog unless at an appropriate time. It would affect me and our relationship very badly if my H was not interested in sex and stopped being affectionate. Don't get me wrong he's not constantly like it but a little genuine affection goes a long way.

Re him 'not going without' are you going through the motions to please him? Bit of a soul destroyer for both of you if so.

Sparrowlegs248 · 11/08/2013 11:09

I agree that he seems pretty patient if this has been as issue for 8 years. We haven't been married long, but together for 12 yrs and frequently have a cuddle, often while chatting, and little kisses. Snogs turn into sex for us so we don't tend to snog unless at an appropriate time. It would affect me and our relationship very badly if my H was not interested in sex and stopped being affectionate. Don't get me wrong he's not constantly like it but a little genuine affection goes a long way.

Re him 'not going without' are you going through the motions to please him? Bit of a soul destroyer for both of you if so.

NotYoMomma · 11/08/2013 11:10

8 years is a helluva long time for you to describe him as 'not a patient man'

I couldnt live like that when I had to always ask for a kiss or cuddle and then its made out to be some tedious pointless task

fence sitting

SofiaVagueara · 11/08/2013 11:11

I feel sorry for both of you. It must be very difficult for him to live without affection, he must feel dreadfully rejected and unloved.

But I understand that you can't do something that makes you feel unpleasant or uncomfortable.

Is it possible you could go to some sort of counseling together to work out if you can resolve this situation?

You say you are seeking help with the lack of sex drive, have you ruled out any sort of underlying problem like depression?

GemmaTeller · 11/08/2013 11:11

I just don't get it, after ten years if marriage, which couple snogs a dozen times a day?

We've been together 20+ years and still kiss and cuddle, maybe not a dozen times a day and a kiss doesn't have to lead to more.

SybilRamkin · 11/08/2013 11:13

Agree with other posters that actually snogging would be a bit much if you did it a dozen times a day - but kisses, cuddles, strokes, pats on the bum etc are a constant for us. However, we're both very tactile people, it may be different for others.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/08/2013 11:35

I do feel sorry for you op - if he's constantly on at you for physical affection, and you feel like you're spending your days fending off unwanted attention - then, well that's no way to live, is it?