To not want to kiss my hubby a thousand times a day?!

[HaveAGoodDay]

We've been married 10 years. There is an issue in our relationship that's putting huge pressure on us, well mainly me, basically my sex drive is non exsistant, it disappeard around the time our first child was born, nearly 8 years ago. I am seeking help with this. But my husband isn't a patient man & is becoming increasing frustrated. We do have sex, so he isn't going without and I'm trying to make an effort.

His main concern now, as he says is 'the little things'. He likes to kiss & cuddle. He wants to kiss frequently throughout the day, when he's not at work obviously. I on the other hand, are just not that tactile. I just don't get it, after ten years if marriage, which couple snogs a dozen times a day? He makes a huge deal out of it, as I just don't 'give back'. It turns into an argument & it ends up him accusing me if being not normal or not a normal wife.

We are with our kids 24/7. We haven't got grandparents to rely on for babysitting so we never ever go out. He never makes me feel special and rarely makes me feel good about myself. He knows this but he still doesn't get it. It's come to us saying we can't go on like this. I feel exhausted.

I wouldn't be happy at all if someone was forcing me into kissing them.

Very intrusive, and a bit creepy.

He's chosen to be patient, that doesn't give him the right to tantrum if the OP doesn't want him to invade her space constantly by making her kiss him.

If couples still kiss a lot after 10 odd years because they want to, that's totally different to someone using it to either make a point or pressure the other person into feeling they should have sex.

I feel more sorry for your DH than you.

If roles were reversed people would be telling OP to leave him.

I think you probably should leave him OP. Neither of you appear to be getting what you need from the relationship.

I'm torn on this one.

I'm like your husband, in a sense. I like physical contact. I'll kiss DP if I'm walking past him, I'll seek him out for cuddles, I'll jump in the shower with him. I tell him I love him often - whenever he calls, when he leaves for work, before bed. My heart is on my sleeve, so to speak. Without kisses and cuddles, I feel oddly vulnerable and sad.

DP wasn't the same originally. After nearly 7 years, he's adapted. He will come and hug me too, now. He has grown to like the same level of physical contact, and he'd miss it if it disappeared, too. If he hadn't, I'm not sure we'd still be together. One of us would always feel a bit resentful - like he was putting on a show, or I was missing out.

I think if you've got to that stage, it's probably time to talk about it and see if you can reach a compromise (in this kind of situation, I'm not sure that there is a compromise) or if this is worth it. You both seem to have been eaten up by the resentment, so to speak, and I don't know if you can come back from that with anything like the love that you started with.

I don't think your husband should pressure you, though, or tell you that you aren't normal. Is that indicative of his wider personality, or is he just feeling very desperate over this now?

I don't know what to say. I am in a not totally disimilar position. Lack of sex drive. BUT my dh is very caring, loving and regularly says lovely things. But we kiss and I am naturally tactile and affectionate.
You say you are addressing it. What are you doing?

You sound really tired and really stressed. He doesn't make you feel special or compliments you but yet you're expected to randomly snog him when he wants it, regardless of what you want? I'd hate that. Have you talked about the actual problems - that maybe if he made more effort to appreciate what he does have you'd find it easier to reciprocate?

I've been in your position OP. I couldn't walk out of a room without H putting his arm out to stop me and demand kisses before I left, literally every time. He also sulked if he didn't get sex when he wanted and whatever I did was never enough. Added to this is that I'm tactile defensive, the polar opposite to him. I became resentful and anxious about it and he in turn became resentful and angry that I pulled away from him.

We tried Relate but we left it too late. I didn't know at the time but he'd already began online dating, meeting other women and pursuing emotional affairs. Not surprisingly he had very little time left for the DCs or myself.

We had been together 20 years.

My advice would be to try counselling and work out whether you both want to give your relationship a go albeit with boundaries for each other or whether you should split. Whichever you decide to do it has to be better than the life you both lead at present.

Surely It's unfair to label him as impatient when it's taken you the best part of 8 years to address your diminished sex drive? I'm just thinking if this were a wife posting about her husband being unwilling to kiss/ have contact/ views sex as a chore (if you're not enjoying it, why do it?) then we'd all be up in arms thinking there was something seriously wrong.
It's hard when you have children to remember that you are you, not just a mother. It sounds so desperately lonely for both of you, have you thought about counselling? Or even setting time aside, planning ahead to save for a babysitter and just going out, getting a coffee and opening up to each other?

I think it depends on what kind of kissing. If he just wants to have a kiss and a hug and then go on then that is fair enough but if wants a full snog each time and you don't then that's uncomfortable for both of you.

I think it's demeaning for your DH to be kissed when there is no desire from you. I know I would want someone to want me otherwise its not real.

I'm in a similar situation where I have 3 DC's 7,5 and 21 mth and I have no family etc to help. DH and I were having a bit of a dry spell where we would only have sex about 3 times a month and that was me not wanting to because I just didn't feel like it.

Anyway we have decided to have a "sex month" where we have sex every second day no matter what. We were going to do it everyday then realized that that was probably not going to happen. We are 3 weeks in and it has improved our marriage hugely. Much less bickering, lots more talking and def more patient with each other.

It's not for everyone and I'm not saying do this but regular intimacy with the man you love can improve a lot of issues in your marriage.

I'm more like your husband - I love cuddling and kissing and saying I love him. DH is not as tactile as me, and sometimes it makes me when he seems irritated by my need for affection, but I accept that we are different in this respect. If he didn't want to have sex with me either then that would be really hard for me as I would just feel that he didn't love me.

I do agree about proper snogging a dozen times a day however - that would be a bit much even for me!

You've been married 10 years 8 of which you've had no sex drive and not been affectionate towards your dh as you're not a tactile person. Were you tactile initially when you got together and have you changed or were you always this way?

If you were like this when you dh married you then I suppose he knew what he was going into but if you've changed then I can imagine that having a massive impact on your relationship.

If you don't kiss or cuddle or have sex surely you're just friends who live together?

I think you both need to have a talk about what you both want out of your relationship. If you genuinely don't want to show him affection or have sex with him you need to tell him this and decide where to go from here.

I don't want to come across as judgey op some people just aren't tactile and that's fine so if that's who you are that's who you are. Some people are tactile and every time they try to hug, kiss be affectionate with their partner and get rejected it's truly upsetting.

I think you definitely need to talk to your dh as living thewway you are can't be nice for either of you

tbh i think you are lucky he is still willing to try and be affectionate , most people would give up if they were rejected a lot ,its give and take in a relationship , it doesnt sound like you make him feel special or wanted.

That's what makes me feel uncomfortable about it inall, that he knows she's not tactile and doesn't want to but comes over all hurt and rejected when he forces her to do it.

Whether the OP wants to have sex with this man or not is completely up to her, but he seems to feel it's his decision.

He doesn't have to accept that, he can move on to someone more compatible if he wants, but he's decided on a way of trying to make her feel it. (although it must be much more complicated that the simplified OP)

How are you with your children 24/7

Do you not take turns to watch them so that the other can have some time to themselves?

When I had a husband, if he had wanted to kiss me several times a day I would have felt special, providing he didn't expect it to lead to sex every time.

As it was, he never kissed me and we hardly ever had sex despite my best efforts.

Can you not find a compromise with your DH? Maybe explain you don't feel terribly "kissy" during the day but would like kisses/cuddles in the evening once the kids are in bed?