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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest DP contacts his ex

33 replies

Namechangingnorma · 10/08/2013 13:25

So DH has an ex who he was engaged to but broke up with around 2.5 yrs before we met but carried on sleeping with occasionally until around 6 months before we met. Their relationship was based almost soley on heavy drug use, mainly cocaine and she was 13 years his junior (she was 20 and he 33 when they got together).
When we met he had quit hard drugs for a couple of months and has been clean now for over 2 years. We are from a small community and everytime we seem to go out with friends this ex will get brought up and we are told what a mess she is. She is now around 27 but by all accounts is still heavily taking drugs. Last night when out for dinner she was brought up in conversation by the other couple who said 'oh we keep seeing your X around she has started to go out into town on her own to try and find people to go out with and get free drugs from'. i thought about it last night, I have always had a really irrational sense of jealousy about this ex as she is a few years younger and much thinner than i (pathetic I know). However hearing this latest tale, I am just starting to feel sorry for her. I have thought about suggesting to DH that he gives her a call and talks to her about how much better he feels off the coke and to offer her some support as someone who has done a lot of drugs with her knows her well and understands addiction - AIBU?

OP posts:
MasterOfTheYoniverse · 10/08/2013 13:29

Slippery slope

lunar1 · 10/08/2013 13:30

Its a really hard one. your DH has done really well to be clean for 2 years but part of that could be because he stepped out of that life. Is he really strong enough to step back there and still say no.

Sorry for being of no help as i have no clue how to help someone addicted to drugs, i'd probably want to help too though.

NatashaBee · 10/08/2013 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inallmydays · 10/08/2013 13:32

it might sound like he is boasting if he got in touch telling her how well he is doing , you dont know her state of mind or whats gone on in her life , only through gossip .it would be better if she got help from some one professional if she wants it .

Rooners · 10/08/2013 13:33

I don't know enough about her, or him or drugs to offer any meaningful advice apart from to say, why don't you just speak to him about it and see what he says?

soapysam · 10/08/2013 13:35

He is clean, she isn't. I would do anything to keep him away from her as it could pull him back into old habits!

DoJo · 10/08/2013 13:36

I wouldn't encourage it - he is happy now, and seeing that probably won't help her to feel any better about herself. If she wants help, then there are plenty of professional organisations who can offer her counselling, support and impartial advice, whereas being contacted by an ex telling her how much better he is feeling now, both without drugs and without her, isn't exactly going to be the kind of life-affirming story she needs.
If you have always been jealous of her, are you sure there isn't a little bit of you that's hoping him getting in touch will give him a chance to see how much of a mess she is? I can't really understand why you would interfere otherwise? If he feels he has something to offer her that a rained professional couldn't, then that's one thing, but you pushing him to get in touch seems like an odd idea.

waxymaxy · 10/08/2013 13:36

Has he said he wants to contact her? If not then leave it alone. It's highly unlikely that it will help her to see how well her ex is doing while she's still going downhill.

CoolaSchmoola · 10/08/2013 13:37

No, just no.

One of the main factors in being able to beat addiction is to cut all ties with the lifestyle and people in it.

He has been clean for two years, but he will ALWAYS be an addict, and always at risk of falling off the wagon. Having worked with addicts who were clean far longer than your DP and then relapsed and ended up at least as low if not lower than before you would be risking everything massively.

Keep him well away, tell these gossipy friends the above and ask them to stop mentioning it as it draws your DPs thoughts back to a person and lifestyle he needs full and constant distance from.

WhiteandGreen · 10/08/2013 13:39

It's none of your business. I think he is going to seem smug if he contacts her.

Finola1step · 10/08/2013 13:39

Sorry OP - crazy idea. They split for a reason. Steer clear.

NotYoMomma · 10/08/2013 13:41

no fucking way would I be encouraging my ex drug taking partner to activley talk to someone still in the grip of heavy drug use...

no offence but have you taken some yourself? Wink

CoolaSchmoola · 10/08/2013 13:41

The pull of the drug, the people and the lifestyle can pull previously clean addicts away from their CHILDREN - the pull is that strong.

He may not get sacked back in but so very many more do than don't, you would be offering him up on a plate when the truth is only SHE can sort herself out, just as he did. He can't do it for her, but in trying he could ruin everything he has achieved since getting clean.

CoolaSchmoola · 10/08/2013 13:42

*sucked

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2013 13:45

NO.

TeaAndSconesTwice · 10/08/2013 13:50

Really bad idea, no no no.

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2013 13:50

Just to clarify:

NO don't do it, and Yes YABU to even consider encouraging your DH to get in touch with her. As her his "friends".

This other couple sound as if they have an agenda here, and I would be avoiding them too TBH.

If they are so concerned they should be helping her to get into rehab.

Whothefuckfarted · 10/08/2013 13:55

No, don't do it. He has cleaned himself up and moved on. She is an adult and not his or your responsibility. Forget about her, next time she's brought up in conversation I'd encourage DP to say that he's not really interested in hearing about her, and could they close the book on the conversation from now on.

Thumbwitch · 10/08/2013 13:59

It's lovely of you to feel sorry for and worried about her, but she is NOT your DP's responsibility. If these other friends are so concerned for her, then let them do something for her.
Any indication by your DP that he is interested in her, even just healthwise, would be a Very Bad Idea to give her.

So I agree with everyone else - it's a NO.

And yes, there is really no need for her to be brought up in conversation - it's a bit rude of those friends, tbh.

Original poster
Namechangingnorma · 10/08/2013 13:59

Ok get it, I have also had addiciton problems (clean and sober 6 years though) and therefore know how much it can help to have people understand. Thats where I was coming from. i wasnt suggesting they meet up, just that he gave her a call or something. Dojo, absolutely not, my jealousy would mean insisting they had no contact ever, I would be putting myself way out of my comfort zone. i don't have any concerns about DH relapsing, although realise it is always a possibility. i have heard she is a nice girl and I just felt sorry for her after last nights discussion, I thought it might help her talking to someone who has been through it all first hand with her and come out the other side, when they were together Dh was much worse than her in terms of usage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangingnorma · 10/08/2013 14:01

its not just the couple from last night, its anytime we see anyone from the same area! It just sounds like its tipped from her being a realparty girl into a much more dangerous situation.

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 10/08/2013 14:04

You don't know her mental state. You don't know how she will react to a call out of the blue to say well it's been 2 years, hows things. I'm really calling to say I am now clean and happy now that I am no longer with you... Actually reading that back, doesn't matter how her mental state is, noone will take that as news they are happy to hear.

Loa · 10/08/2013 14:08

He can't save her - it would have to come from her - but she could drag him back into environment and social circle that could set him back down taking drugs route.

Is it normal to find people constantly talking about other halfs ex ? I thought it was more usual not to do this how does your DH react to constantly having his ex brought up?

MammaTJ · 10/08/2013 14:11

It is much easier for a person to pull another disn than for a person to pull another one up! For your own relationships sake, do not encourage it! The temptation for him to go back on the drugs will be greater than for her to give up! She is an adult and will make her own choices!

Original poster
Namechangingnorma · 10/08/2013 14:16

loa, unfortunately it is entirely usual within the community I am from. ok, I get the point it's a really bad idea. i wasnt suggesting he talks about how happy he is etc, she will be well aware that he is married and all that stuff, I meant focusing purely on the coke, its got nothing to do with being married to me or not being with her, that wasnt my point, it was about I guess showing her from someone who was addicted that she knew well that it is possible to give up.

OP posts:
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