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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if all parents end up with a "favourite"?

65 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 09/08/2013 14:45

And whether one day I will too - very equal at the moment but still very young.

My mum was and is very loving and I had a great childhood but she has always seemed to side with db. It was apparent to me as a teen but as an adult I thought I was probably being an over emotional teen so no issue.

Recently I visited db where he lives abroad with dh, and our 3 pre school dds (9 hour flight etc). db cane with us to the airport to come home and accidentally dropped an open bag, our keys fell out and other stuff which he picked up... Get home to UK to find db put dh's keys in his pocket to keep them safe but forgot to give them to us (was ok as I had my set of keys). Db very apologetic as we didn't know he'd done this. My mum (who wasn't there) tried to blame me for not packing the keys properly and not doing the bag up (dtd2 had been sick so I'd dived into the bag for wipes). Db and I both found it hilarious (and slightly despairing) that dm thinks db can do no wrong even though he fully admits this was completely his fault.

I love dm but this in adulthood kind of brought up

OP posts:

Maryz · 09/08/2013 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NandH · 09/08/2013 16:43

I'm my dads favourite, it's obvious and I do actually find it unfair on my db and younger dsis, especially as he's always openly said he never wanted a 3rd :(

My mum, I don't think has a favourite, she loves/likes us all differently though.

I'm the 'black sheep' out of myself and siblings.

I have a dd and ds and I hope I never develop a favourite, admittedly 2 yr old dd is a pain in the bum at the moment, but shes 2, I expect it

EagleRiderDirk · 09/08/2013 16:46

carola I got similar rubbish from some family members when I was pregnant with DC2. But like moomins my favourite is whichever one is causing me less hassle, which usually makes it the one who happens to be napping at that particular time. Things are always very novel with your first DC, as you've never seen that before and obviously a little less exciting when subsequent DC teeth/crawl/etc but they are all different. DC2 is going about things in such a different way to DC1 I spend a lot of time just marvelling at how different they are. I don't love DC1 more because she is doing everything and was my first though.

Almostfifty · 09/08/2013 16:48

I've four and love them all equally. I have times when I dislike one or more, depending on how hard work they are at the time, but I could never, ever love one more than another, they're all my boys.

MisguidedAngel · 09/08/2013 16:59

When they were growing up, DD1 was daddy's girl. She was/is very bright and the way to get his attention was to be a high achiever. DD2 was very different and she and I were closer. Now they are both middle-aged (!!) and married, I find it much easier to talk to DD1. I know I love them both equally and would do anything for them, but I like DD1 better.

UnexpectedStepmum · 09/08/2013 17:02

I'm really shocked how many people see favouritism as normal or ok. My younger sister is my mum's favourite, my mum hhas said this openly to my other sister and me. She has treated her kids favourably too. I think it is fucking outrageous to do this. Now I have two DCs I am so careful to treat them aa individuals but without playing favourites. It took a long time in counselling for me to believe I was deserving of love, no one should do this to their children.

Floralnomad · 09/08/2013 17:03

I have a son and a daughter and definitely no favourites although they would both say that I prefer the dog to either of them!

BaronessTeapot · 09/08/2013 17:06

I cannot for the life of me comprehend how any parent, even if they did have a favourite child for some reason, would feel that it is okay to tell the children.

There would have to some malicious reason for that, in my opinion.

IloveJudgeJudy · 09/08/2013 17:12

Hand on heart, me too, I do not have a favourite. A couple of years ago we discussed this, DH, I and the 3 DC. Each DC said a different one was my favourite . Agree that at various times a different DC needs you more, depending on what is going on in their lives. I would hate to think that they thought that I had a favourite.

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 09/08/2013 17:13

My favourite is definitely the hamster. My kids know that they are top of my list- and completely equal- apart from the hamster. They know the reasons- they aren't furry, their ears aren't exactly adorable, they can't run on the wheel and they can't be put back into a cage at night.

As a child, I was definitely not the favourite. My mother was a teen when she had me, and when I was 9, I went into foster care for a few years, and came back out, a few years later, my siblings started to be born! I had caused a lot of stress and problems in her life and childhood, and I was a reminder of the past (and my dad, and social services) so for that reason, she didn't seem to love me as much. As an adult, and looking back, I think she loved me equally, but she didn't express or show her love as much to ne, she even admits that, and my oldest brother (10yrs younger) is the evident favourite. I hope my children grow up knowing that every single second they are loved, and that they are all special and wonderful just for being themselves and that I would never have a favourite (or least favourite) because I love them equally.

Allegrogirl · 09/08/2013 17:17

I think my DB is favorite in our family. He is slim, good looking, gregarious, sporty. He works hard at being popular. We both live close to my parents and he is often there with his gf,or my dad is doing DIY for him, running errands etc. They love his gf as she is good looking, sporty etc too.

I think this is because I was a shy, bookish, chubby child and my parents just didn't understand me. I'm crap at asking for help where as my brother being the baby has no shame at all.

I just know that DB and his gf will have a boy and then he really will be best child. My parents love my two girls but they were less than thrilled when I rang them with the news of DD2's arrival.

I love my two the same but my DD1 is harder. Even at nearly 6 she is much harder to handle than my nearly 3 year old. They are two very different individuals but a little unit, my children.

HoikyPoiky · 09/08/2013 17:25

My Dad has told us on several occasions that my youngest DB is his favourite. It's weird because my youngest Brother is a bit of an obnoxious git and isn't particularly nice to my Dad.

I am so glad that I don't have a favourite out of my DCs. They are all so different.

I think you can be closer to some of your kids than others but not have favourites. There is a mix of personalities in our family inluding a very quiet self contained boy and an extremely talkative and sociable girl. I am closer to the girl but I love them equally.

Thepowerof3 · 09/08/2013 17:26

My DCs are all equally annoying!

Floralnomad · 09/08/2013 17:32

My parents didnt have favourites but I would say that now ( dads deceased) my mum definitely favours me and my middle sister ,but that's because none of us really get on with my eldest sisters husband and they always come as a pair .

pointythings · 09/08/2013 17:48

No favourites here, my DDs are very different but equally wonderful. Sometimes one of them annoys me, sometimes they both do and DH and I hand out justice and injustice with absolute evenhandedness.

My parents never played favourites either. Even though my sister went through a very difficult patch with my mum (mainly because they are so very very alike and terminally stubborn) they were always very close and still are.

VelmaDaceDinkley · 09/08/2013 17:48

My parents have a definite favourite out of their 4 children, it's my youngest sister.

DH's mum favours DH over his sister, but I think that's because he's male. When we told her DD was a girl she said "oh well nevermind"

somewhereaclockisticking · 09/08/2013 17:51

I was adament I wouldn't have a favourite but when they were younger I did find myself closer to DD2 than DD1 and DD3 just needed more attention from me than the other 2 so they felt I favoured her more. Now they are all older and I look at them as can honestly say I really haven't got a favourite.

diddl · 09/08/2013 17:53

I love mine equally & hopefully show it.

But my son is infinitely more reasonable & easy to get along with!

Although daughter & I tend to do more together!

So if asked, they'd both probably name the other as my favourite

Andro · 09/08/2013 17:59

I love mine equally and work hard try and prevent 1 dc's needs dictating family life...doesn't quite work yet with respect to holidays and flight phobia but we're getting there.

My brothers were favourd; my mother admits it, refuses to apologise for it and has ensured that (where she could over ride my father) they haven't had to meet equivalent standards to me to receive the same rewards - it had a devastating effect on me as a teenager and into my early 20's. I might not always get it 100% right with my two, but there will NEVER be the same disparity in how they are treated.

freemanbatch · 09/08/2013 18:28

My mum was and still is very much second in her mothers eyes to her younger sister, everyone can see it apart from her mother and sister. It is really really bad.

My mother is very vocally proud of the fact that her eldest daughter does not and never has felt that way towards her, sadly she's totally forgotten that she has another daughter (me) who feels towards her all the things she feels towards her mum except I'm not going to try and win her around because I could waste my whole life that way just as she has.

The result is that I am on my own with pretty much everything, to the point she told me I should get back together with my abusive husband if I wanted to be able to do anything without the children because there was no way she could possibly help with anything.

favourites is always going to be a problem, some parents are just better at being fair anyway than others.

JollyHappyGiant · 09/08/2013 18:31

My parents don't have a favourite. None of the four of us think so anyway.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/08/2013 18:48

I was terrified before ds was born that I wouldn't love him asI did dd. (How could I love anyone that much?!?) It was almost freaky how seconds after he was born I loved him just as much.

The only time I have a favorite is at 3am. At this time it is whoever didn't wake me up!

Bowlersarm · 09/08/2013 19:01

This is quite interesting. A lot of you are quite definite about the fact your parents have a favourite. But not you, oh no. It would be quite interesting what your own children would be saying on mn in 30 years time!

I also like to think I don't have a favourite. All my children have different things to offer. I think I may have a favourite (tbh I'm not actually sure). But I would die before I would ever admit it.

Probably, the single most important thing to me is that all my children know I love and support them unconditionally.

PoshCat · 09/08/2013 19:07

I think I have a favourite. I am pretty sure my children will never know who it is though.

I love them both equally but prefer the company of one more.

Jinty64 · 09/08/2013 19:46

I have a 9 year gap between ds2 and ds3 and I know people feel I favour ds3 but I don't. It's just that, being much younger, his needs are more pressing. Ds1 has s/n's so commands a lot of attention. Ds2 is definitely a bit of a "piggy in the middle" and dh refers to him (in my hearing only) as "your favourite child" and he is the one I feel closest to but, I love them all equally.

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