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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to send my friend a birthday card?

40 replies

cg13 · 08/08/2013 09:07

I would love some advice and perspective on a problem I can't find an answer to....should I send my friend a birthday card?

A few months ago my best friend's baby died during labour, for no reason. They had been trying for years (meanwhile I had a little girl) and were on their last round of IVF when they finally fell pregnant. The baby died for no reason and they were heartbroken and I was for them. On the day it happened my boss sent me home from work because I couldn't stop crying.

In the few days afterwards we exchanged emails and texts but she was too upset to talk to me. However, at the funeral (which I had to fly to) she ignored me. When I went to hug her she turned away and pretended she didn't see me, avoided eye contact at the wake, and despite showing lots of people around their new house (which was up the road) she avoided asking me to come and see it, even when her mum said maybe I would like to see her new house. I left feeling so confused. Her husband and family seemed fine with me.

Over the next two months I messaged her every week or two to let her know I was there, but tried to stay in the background (despite wanting to do more). After two months the subject of why we hadn't spoken came up, and I explained that I'd not phoned her because of how she had seemed at the funeral. Her reaction was partly denial (she didn't remember her mum asking if I'd like to see the house, though she was standing next to us) and partly excuse....I was "holding too much grief" (though most people had cried during the service), she had heard my car had broken down on the way to the funeral and this was too stressful for her so she had to avoid me. She also said I'd been selfish by being so upset for her and focusing on my feelings, that I'd cried the wrong type of tears, and a whole bunch of other stuff. But then she said it was too difficult, that I'd ruined her happy memories of the funeral, and that I'd never know how amazing her baby was.

I have been devastated by this, and we've not been in contact since. However, it's her birthday next week. I want to send her a card, but don't want to upset her as she really must hate me to have said those things. I think she'll say I'm being selfish and only sending a card to make myself feel better. However, if I don't send her a card she can use it to condemn me further. And I'll feel worse than I already do (which is pretty bad), as I want her to know that despite everything, I'm still her friend and will be there for her. But, I don't see how our friendship will ever get past what has been said or done. I think whatever I do will be wrong, especially after she said so many of the things I did after her baby died were the wrong thing to do.

So, AIBU if I send her a card? And if I did, what would I say?

Thank you if you got this far, and for any advice. X

OP posts:
Cheeseatmidnight · 08/08/2013 09:09

Send her the card with love and genuine sentiments. You can't control how she reacts but send the love out there.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 08/08/2013 09:10

You've posted this twice - I'm sure completely by accident!

Original poster
cg13 · 08/08/2013 09:16

Sorry, just realised this posted twice! Stupid phone lost signal in a tunnel when posting the first time, and I thought it didn't go through. Sorry for confusion. Thanks for responses so far though. Really need a different perspective on this as cant find a way through and DH is fed up of me obsessing about it!

OP posts:
Shrugged · 08/08/2013 09:24

Do send the card, with a simple message of good wishes, as your affection for your friend comes from a good place. If this is the end of your friendship, and it may be, you will be saying goodbye in a positive way. As someone else said, you can't influence her response. I doubt she hates you, but it can be terribly hard for bereaved parents to be around people with small children. I haven't seen two close friends whose IVF twins died at 20 weeks since the funeral last year. I have a toddler, and I think they can't bear to bear around us.

TheYamiOfYawn · 08/08/2013 09:26

Send the card. It took around three years of gently keeping a thread of a connection alive between us before my friend and I were able to rebuild our friendship after things went wrong when we were both having problems.

CocacolaMum · 08/08/2013 09:27

Send a card. I am sorry for her loss and the loss of your friendship, hopefully she will come around x

EssexGurl · 08/08/2013 10:01

Send it. You will regret it if you don't.

A friend cut me (and some others) out of her life for no reason with no explanation. I still sent birthday/Christmas cards via her mum. I didn't have her address as she cut us off when she moved. Our mums were v good friends so I kept up with her life. She died this year and I went to the funeral. I wanted to say goodbye. I felt pleased that she knew I had been thinking of her all these years. I bore her no ill will just sadness.

Original poster
cg13 · 08/08/2013 18:01

Thank you all, for taking the time to read my post and respond. I think I will send a card, but right now don't see how we can get past it all. I think she'd want to know I'm still here if she needs me, though based on what she said I'd done wrong dont trust my judgement anymore. So thank you. Xx

OP posts:
mynameisslimshady · 08/08/2013 18:05

Did you tell her in your emails about being so upset you were sent home? from work? (genuine question, not intended to be snarky at all)

superbagpuss · 08/08/2013 18:13

send the card

me and my best friend of many years have fallen out about something and she won't listen to me dispute the fact she doesn't know all the facts

I have sent a card/ wished her happy birthday privately every year regardless

CaptainSweatPants · 08/08/2013 18:18

I'm sorry but I agree with her

Why on earth did you bring up how she behaved at the funeral?!

That does sound self absorbed to me

sameoldIggi · 08/08/2013 18:21

If it was only a few months ago she is likely to still be in such a well of grief that she is probably not thinking straight. I think it might be normal to lash out the most at the people who are closest to you?
I have at times held a lot of resentment about how people have reacted to miscarriages I have had. A wise person once asked me "what is it you wanted them to have said/done?" And I realised that mostly, I didn't even know what it was I needed, I just felt no one had given me it.
I would send a card (not a riotous one obviously!) and then maybe another email in a month or so. If you are there for here when everyone else has forgotten, she may come back to you. On the other hand it really doesn't sound as if you have done anything wrong so try not to feel too bad if nothing changes.

sameoldIggi · 08/08/2013 18:22

It is odd to post this in AIBU actually.

CaptainSweatPants · 08/08/2013 18:24

I explained that I'd not phoned her because of how she had seemed at the funeral

I wouldn't have asked her at all
She must have been feeling completely awful, she probably didn't even know she was there let alone you !

OnaPromise · 08/08/2013 18:24

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for her and for you. It's such a difficult and painful situation.

inallmydays · 08/08/2013 18:32

i would send a card , i do think you were wrong to talk about how she was at the funeral , she had just buried her child , she wont remember who was at the funeral who she spoke to or what day of the week it was tbh.

Thepowerof3 · 08/08/2013 18:35

Uh oh the thread police are here. Can't imagine what she's going through sounds like she needed someone to take some pain out on? Let her do what she needs to do and send the card regardless she must be in agony

kinkyfuckery · 08/08/2013 18:39

Send the card, offer the olive branch. She'll decide whether she's willing to take it or not.
Don't bring up the funeral stuff again, and be gentle with her if she does. I can't imagine what she went and is still going through Sad

LunaticFringe · 08/08/2013 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thepowerof3 · 08/08/2013 18:46

Yy to that lunatic

CaptainUndercrackers · 08/08/2013 18:56

Send the card and let her deal with it as she chooses. Grief puts everything through a prism and you can't really see straight for a while.

I have (thankfully) never lost a child. But when my mother died I remember avoiding her best friend like the plague at the funeral and for a while after. She didn't do anything 'wrong', but her grief was so palpable that I couldn't bear it. It felt like I needed to comfort her, not the other way around. Not her fault at all, but I needed to be around people who could hold it together for me, and maybe who were grieving less themselves. Maybe your friend felt a bit like this? I certainly remember that I was a lot more self absorbed than usual for some time after my mum's death - I think it's a sort of protection mechanism that kicks in. Your friend may well come out the other side in a few months/years and be healed enough to build bridges. And your kind gestures will then be appreciated.

mynameisslimshady · 08/08/2013 19:02

I really don't think you should send her a card to be honest.

I can only go by my own experience and it would actually ruin my day if someone who had hurt me, intentionally or otherwise sent me a card on an already difficult day.

When my children died there were a certain amount of people around me who made it about them.

I am not saying this to hurt you or be unkind, I can see from your thoughtful post you are a lovely person, but I'm trying to help you see it from your friends perspective.

When I was in that rawness I had people telling me how awful they felt, how my baby dying had affected them, this really annoyed me, what was I supposed to do with that information other than feel more shitty about it.

I also cut these people off, and would have acted just as your friend did. If one of the people who did that thought it was appropriate to question my behaviour at my childs funeral I would never speak to them again. That is deeply unkind and offensive and, again, smacks of making it all about you.

If you then go on to send her a card on a day where she will be mourning her loss all over again, because this is her first birthday as a Mum and her baby isn't in her arms. Rightly, or wrongly, she is aiming her anger at you, any communication from you will make it so much worse and bring all that anger back up.

Back off a bit, she will come to you if she wants to. If she doesn't, sadly, you will have to just accept it.

Jan49 · 08/08/2013 19:19

I would send a card, but not one with Happy Birthday on it or any kind of printed message except maybe 'thinking of you'. Or just a plain card with a picture of flowers and write something like 'thinking of you' and maybe a little message that you hope to hear from her soon. Then hopefully when she's ready she'll remember that you kept in touch and she'll contact you.

I wonder if the weird stuff she said about the funeral is all smoke screen and the problem is really that you have a baby and she doesn't and that's why she avoided you at the funeral?

gamerchick · 08/08/2013 19:35

I dunno if I would or not.

Maybe send a card to say you're thinking of her and leave it at that. She's grieving and you never know how it's going to affect a person or how you're supposed to act around them sometimes.. especially if it hits you pretty hard, as it seems to have.

OnaPromise · 08/08/2013 19:47

mynameisslimshady - that is an honest post and as you unfortunately speak from experience, I hope the OP takes that on board. I'm sorry for your losses.