AIBU to want to send my friend a birthday card?

[cg13]

I would love some advice and perspective on a problem I can't find an answer to....should I send my friend a birthday card?

A few months ago my best friend's baby died during labour, for no reason. They had been trying for years (meanwhile I had a little girl) and were on their last round of IVF when they finally fell pregnant. The baby died for no reason and they were heartbroken and I was for them. On the day it happened my boss sent me home from work because I couldn't stop crying.

In the few days afterwards we exchanged emails and texts but she was too upset to talk to me. However, at the funeral (which I had to fly to) she ignored me. When I went to hug her she turned away and pretended she didn't see me, avoided eye contact at the wake, and despite showing lots of people around their new house (which was up the road) she avoided asking me to come and see it, even when her mum said maybe I would like to see her new house. I left feeling so confused. Her husband and family seemed fine with me.

Over the next two months I messaged her every week or two to let her know I was there, but tried to stay in the background (despite wanting to do more). After two months the subject of why we hadn't spoken came up, and I explained that I'd not phoned her because of how she had seemed at the funeral. Her reaction was partly denial (she didn't remember her mum asking if I'd like to see the house, though she was standing next to us) and partly excuse....I was "holding too much grief" (though most people had cried during the service), she had heard my car had broken down on the way to the funeral and this was too stressful for her so she had to avoid me. She also said I'd been selfish by being so upset for her and focusing on my feelings, that I'd cried the wrong type of tears, and a whole bunch of other stuff. But then she said it was too difficult, that I'd ruined her happy memories of the funeral, and that I'd never know how amazing her baby was.

I have been devastated by this, and we've not been in contact since. However, it's her birthday next week. I want to send her a card, but don't want to upset her as she really must hate me to have said those things. I think she'll say I'm being selfish and only sending a card to make myself feel better. However, if I don't send her a card she can use it to condemn me further. And I'll feel worse than I already do (which is pretty bad), as I want her to know that despite everything, I'm still her friend and will be there for her. But, I don't see how our friendship will ever get past what has been said or done. I think whatever I do will be wrong, especially after she said so many of the things I did after her baby died were the wrong thing to do.

So, AIBU if I send her a card? And if I did, what would I say?

Thank you if you got this far, and for any advice. X

I don't think it sounds like you have done anything wrong at all, but your friend has developed a problem with you for some reason. Extreme grief can attach itself to random things sometimes and that's probably what's happened with her.

I'd be ready to forgive the things she said, but I wouldn't keep pushing her, and I wouldn't send a card after she has sent the message loud and clear that she's pissed off with you.

One of my friends suffered the loss of her baby. It was a long time ago now, but she said she appreciated the fact that people were so upset about her baby because it showed that her baby's tiny life was important and had an impact on people. People just deal with these things differently, I don't think you should feel bad about anything you have done.

I'd send a card to say you're thinking of her, but not happy birthday as others have said. For what it's worth I don't think you've done anything wrong and she's lashing out in her grief.

It doesn't sound to me like you've told her she acted inappropriateluy at the funeral. I read it as she asked you why you'd not rang and you said that you weren't sure she wanted you to because of how she was at the funeral.

I also think it's probably very hard for her to be in touch with you as you have what she's lost.

I feel very sad for both of you.

Mynameisslimshady, not offended by your question. I didn't tell her about being sent home from work. I knew however much I was affected was meaningless compared to what they were going through. I did say I was heartbroken for them too, and was upset for them. I sent her a lot of emails/texts just to say I was thinking about them. I thought this showed how much I cared but she told me I should have put my feelings aside. I just read your second post and I'm very sorry about your children and thanks for sharing your perspective, that's what I was hoping to find; I wasn't posting to have everyone agree with me. From your perspective it would be unreasonable of me to ever contact her again. I had planned to send something at Xmas or on the baby's birthday. I planted flowers in my garden that are the baby's birth flower and planned to press them and frame them. I feel sad she'll never know I wanted to do this for her.

CaptainSweatPants, I didn't attack her for her behaviour. It was a funeral and I can't tell her how to grieve or behave. But, I said how she'd acted had made me think she didn't want to be friends any more and that I'd felt my help wasn't wanted or needed, which is why I'd stayed away. However, I can see how that could appear self absorbed, and she certainly thought that. However, at the funeral she was ok with everyone else, and I even heard her joking with someone that her husband was giving house tours "every hour on the hour". Maybe I should be stronger but I couldn't help but take it personally.

Sameoldlggi, thanks. Out of interest, where should I have posted this? This is my first ever post on any forum and wasn't sure. Anything relating to grief or baby loss didn't seem appropriate because its not my loss.

CaptainUndercrackers, thanks. She said very similar things, thanks for sharing.

BinarySolo, that's what I thought I was doing. But obviously it appeared as something else.

You really can't take personally the slightly out of character behaviour of a parent at their child's funeral. Seriously, let it go.

I can hardly remember dd's funeral at all. It was an out of body experience, and for that I am grateful. Giving someone a hard time about the effect on you of how they behaved then would be like complaining that someone who had just been run over and was bleeding from an artery failed to fully include you in their lengthy chat with the paramedic.

I'm sorry for both of you. What a terrible situation. My guess is that if your daughter is roughly the same age as her baby would have been, then she just can't face you. I doubt it's personal but I think you need to give her space.

cg13 the things you are doing in memory of her baby are lovely.

The thing is that it won't make her feel better to know you have planted flowers yet. Its still so raw.

Again from my view - one of my friends planted a tree in her Mums garden for my son. She came and told me and my honest thought then was 'so fucking what, is that supposed to replace my son'. Now, many years later, I look back I can see what a lovely thought it was. At the time all that mattered to me was me not having my baby, I didn't want to hear anyone elses feelings, I didn't want to hear what anyone else had done, I was so consumed by what had happened. At that point even breathing was a chore, I just couldn't deal with anyone elses emotions. It was a really selfish time in my life.

I fell out with so many people I was close to, and I kept acquaintences around me because I could put on a front with them, they didn't know me. But I did get back in touch with my real friends when I was ready, and they were really understanding, thankfully.

Maybe you should leave her, for a while, take photos of the flowers every so often. Press some and put them, and the photos in the album and keep them.

Leave her on her birthday, acknowledge her babys birthday in some small way and take it from there.

I know this is hard on you but what she has been through is infinitely worse for her.

I am so sorry you are hurting you do seem so lovely

Ah, see I was thinking on the miscarriage and preg loss section you would be able to get the perspective of people who have sadly been in similar positions to you friend. Or even in chat. AIBU tends to be for talk about brides ills, disabled toilet usage, and badly behaved dcs . Or maybe those are just the ones I click on!

I think your flower idea is beautiful by the way.

I would send a beautiful, neutral card with a simple message. She's still your friend but she's in a world of pain and may be lashing out at those she knows will forgive her.

What persimmon said.

If your DD is the same age as her baby would have been - I couldn't quite work it out from your post - then she probably can't face you, and is probably angry, however irrational that anger may seem. Grief does weird things to people. My friend lost her DS very late in pregnancy - we had the same due dates, my DS was born a week after hers was due, so for 3 years she avoided me completely. Basically, my DS was a reminder of what she had lost. She never said so, but when she finally got pregnant again and had a baby, we became friends again.

It sucks but there you go. It hurt me but I understood it wasn't personal.

Also: I genuinely doubt she can remember the funeral. The last thing she needs to be made to feel is "selfish" for behaving in whatever way she did at her child's funeral. It was not about you. It was all about her, and her terrible loss. You were BU to chastise her for that. Sorry, as you do sound kind, but you also sound very slightly self-absorbed.

Leave her be. Come back to it in 6, 12 months. Losing a child - can you imagine how hard that must be, and how long it would take you to even begin to return to acting/being "normal" again? Give her time. No, I wouldn't send her a card.

Hi Op, what a horribly sad situation all round. Your poor friend xx I really didn't read your post as being "all about you" at all. You only mentioned your friend's behaviour at the funeral as in "I backed off because I got the impression that I was annoying you/you didn't want to be around me" You probably thought you'd done something wrong and wanted very much to know what it was so that you could right things. My immediate thought was that you (and the fact that you have a very young Dd) reminded her so much of her loss that she couldn't bear to be around you. Maybe when she spoke to you she didn't feel she could say that.

When I lost a baby (MC not the same, was very early but still upsetting) I was LIVID with my poor SIL who became pregnant very soon after. I knew I was being totally unreasonable but couldn't control myself.

Sometimes I think at really terribly difficult, tragic times in our lives we can be offended by all sorts of things that normally wouldn't upset us. I think I would probably send the card with a short, simple message. Then I would take a step back and see if she responds.

cg13 I'm not really sure what I'd suggest, and like your friend my son was stillborn a few months ago. So I'm not surprised you're unsure what to do for the best. Might be worth having a look at the SANDS website which has some advice.

What she said about you 'holding too much grief' I do relate to though -I've been surprised at times that I find it easier being around some people and not others - not always the people I'd expect and it's not related to how close to them I normally am. Certainly, I find it really hard being around other people who also grieve for my ds - I have to be there for my dh, and for my other dcs, but there is literally nothing left in me to help anyone else, and I have at times felt annoyed that anyone might expect me to. I am wondering if some of them find it hard in the way you have - I can only say its not anything personal, but I just reach the end of my emotions and have no energy left for others who i feel want me to help or sympathise with their grief, and I'm normally nothing like that.

I also know that I didn't manage to look anyone at all in the eye at my son's funeral (you know, even now it's so surreal to be saying anything about 'my son's funeral'). And afterwards, I found it easier to be sort of jovial with people I knew less well from dh's side of the family than even to talk normally with my own family. It really is a bit of a blurry day in my memory; it's entirely believable she doesn't remember. Grief is really weird tbh.

So overall, I'd guess - and this is just a guess - that your friend found it very hard being around you, partly because you're close, and she knew you were also grieving for her child, and partly because you have your own child. I have other dcs, and I can usually cope with being around my friends dcs but I do still struggle with it at times, not always in a predictable way. I actually find it hard being around my own dn (younger than my dcs) - who is obviously lovely,as is his mum (my sil). But I'd imagined them playing together as they grew up, you see? And now they won't. So somehow that makes it harder to see him. And I'm aware that at times I'm being unreasonable/irrational about other peoples babies, but its extremely hard to control. I suspect if this was her first - and potentially only? - dc then all of that is going to be so so much harder for her.

I think on balance I'd send her the card saying something along the lines of thinking of you today, with love etc and then try to keep in touch generally - in whatever way, but many people find text etc easiest; I still avoid talking on the phone if I can (but I guess I'm normally a bit antisocial like that ). But do give her the space and time she needs - make sure she knows its ok not to reply if it's not where she's at right now.
I feel really sad for your friend, if you do end up back in touch with her and she is thinking about trying again point her over to the rainbow babies thread over in conception - she's not alone.

The thing about grief is that everyone feels it differently. Even if (Heaven forbid) the same thing happened to you, you wouldn't feel the same way she does. In this way nobody can ever truly understand or predict how someone feels after a loss. Perhaps she can't explain herself and pushing you away is easier?
Whatever the cause of her acting this way, i think you should send the card. Send it with love and let her know that you are always there for her. One day she might take you up on it x

You sound like a wonderful friend, I hope that she does come round. Yes a neutral card sounds lovely

googledoodle I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, it must be hard to talk about as it happened so recently, so thank you for sharing your perspective and information about Sands. I did look at their info straight away, and as a result donated them some money. It later turned out she wanted money donated in memory of their baby to a different charity. I told her I'd given to Sands already, and that I hoped that was ok (I didn't want her to think I'd donated nothing, and couldn't afford any more on top of flights and car hire for the funeral). I suspect that was the start of where things went wrong, as I suspect in her grief that my giving to the "wrong" charity was a major annoyance or cause of upset. Not that I'm blaming her, but I'm guessing it was just one more thing I did wrong.