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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to go on my sister's hen night?

66 replies

missmargot · 07/08/2013 15:47

My sister has just emailed me with the date and details of her hen night. I will be 7 months pregnant by the time it comes around and she has very sweetly made sure that there are activities I can join in on and made it clear she doesn't expect me to go on to late night bars with everyone else.

The problem is that her hen night is on my wedding anniversary. I know that wedding anniversaries aren't important to everyone but they are to DH and I. We have never been away for our anniversary for various reasons and we were determined that we would do so this year, firstly as it falls on a weekend so no need to take time off work and secondly because with the baby coming we may not get another weekend away in a while.

My sister has already moved her wedding forward as my due date fell on her original wedding day, which was incredibly nice of her but really unexpected, so I'm left feeling that I should probably change my plans for her.

If I'm brutally honest I would be reluctant to go even if it wasn't our anniversary as I'm already exhausted most of the time and can't imagine how I will feel in another two months. Add to that the cost of travel, activity, meal etc and I am left feeling I would rather not go, BUT would have put that to one side and gone if it weren't for the wedding anniversary issue on top of it all.

To add to my no doubt pregnany hormone induced guilt, this is my sister's second marriage and I can't help worrying that she will think that I am treating it as less important than her first marriage, where I was bridesmaid and organised a weekend away, was really enthusiastic etc.

I haven't told DH about the date yet, I know he will be really disappointed and upset if I tell him I want to cancel our weekend away (and it would be cancel as we couldn't afford for me to go on the hen night and have a special weekend away) so I want to be clear in my mind before I speak to him.

So, am I being unreasonable to tell her that I can't go and perhaps suggest she and I go out for a low key meal on another date?

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 07/08/2013 16:29

I didn't go to my DSis hen night and had a really nice, special time with her before her wedding, but that was because I didn't know any of her friends and I'm older than her and we both felt it was better that way.
Your situation is rather different, and tbh, if my DSis had arranged a day that she felt would suit me because she wanted me there that much I would go. Does it really need to cost so much that you can't afford a weekend with DH? I assume that you won't be drinking so that's one thing that won't cost too much It also sounds as if you are very close, so maybe you could just ask her how much she wants you there and whether she would be just as happy with you doing something special together instead. Only you know how she is likely to feel about it, just put yourself into her shoes and see how YOU woud feel.

EstelleGetty · 07/08/2013 16:29

Honestly, I don't understand why a hen night is any sort of a big deal. My three best friends couldn't come to mine, but they all came to the wedding and that was what mattered.

You have a weekend away booked, you're 7 months pregnant... I think your sister will understand.

toomuchtoask · 07/08/2013 16:35

I'm of the thinking that sometimes we should put others ahead of ourselves

I agree with this poster. Your sister has put herself out. She clearly wants you there. She will remember her hen night for many years and it's important to her.

You will have many more anniversaries to come. I don't think it's fair of you not to go.

BlingLoving · 07/08/2013 16:37

Okay, I'm retracting my YABU. If she hasn't bothered to tell you in advance she was planning this or to discus sthe date, you have every right to say, "really really sorry, but DH and I have booked to go away."

Nancy66 · 07/08/2013 16:45

Your sister sounds lovely and like she would totally understand if you didn't go but - dunno - feels like you should make the effort somehow.

Original poster

missmargot · 07/08/2013 16:46

So OP-your husband or your sister-you choose!

I think this is what it is going to come down to!

The compromise would be to move our weekend away to the city where her hen night is, go to the afternoon activity and then miss the evening part (thus saving cost also) and meet DH.

I realise I sound really mean saying we can't afford the hen night and a weekend away, but the hen night will be expensive as there is a lot of travel involved (I live 2.5 hours away from my sister) plus the cost of the activity and a meal, although of course there won't be any alcohol costs. We aren't on the breadline but at the same time we have a new baby coming, I won't get maternity pay so we are trying to save for that and the wedding itself will cost us money- travel, hotel, outfit, present etc. I don't begrudge the cost at all, it's just a lot of expense in a short space of time.

Originally my sister didn't want a hen night but I think her friends have talked her into it. Of course it's her prerogative to change her mind but it is really unexpected.

OP posts:

Alanna1 · 07/08/2013 16:51

Me? I would talk to your sister. Say either you can come to her hen, or you could both go for a spa or something weekend, and that you'd prefer the later as its your wedding anniversary but want to do what SHE most wants.

(You can also easily move when you celebrate an anniversary).

HaPPy8 · 07/08/2013 16:53

I think as its your sister you would be unreasonable not to go. She sounds like she has gone out of her way to makes things nice for you and you haven't actually booked anything else. Your compromise sounds ok though.

runningonwillpower · 07/08/2013 16:55

OP, your sister sounds lovely.

Don't consult random strangers, talk to her. She knows you love her whatever you choose.

3birthdaybunnies · 07/08/2013 16:58

You say that the activities are ones which you can join in on, but that's not quite the same as planning it all around you - e.g. not unusual to go for spa even if no one pregnant. I would reply and say that you are celebrating your wedding anniversary on x day and are going away but you will talk to dh and if he hasn't already booked something then maybe you could make the hotel nearby and come for the afternoon. I don't think you should be obliged to - she wasn't planning one and didn't check the date and forgot your anniversary so no reason why you should have been waiting for her e-mail.

PicardyThird · 07/08/2013 16:58

'The compromise would be to move our weekend away to the city where her hen night is, go to the afternoon activity and then miss the evening part (thus saving cost also) and meet DH.'

I think I would do this iiwy. Failing that, I do think I would prioritise your sister, tbh.

BonzoDooDah · 07/08/2013 17:04

Toss a coin - when it lands you'll know which way you wanted it to land ... then sort it out that way.

Tough call but to be honest - if this is the weekend she has picked because a lot of her friends can make it - then she's discussed the date with them and not you - so you're lower on the list (for her hen night) than them ... which sort of lets you off the hook doesn't it?

And knowing what I know about having a baby ... I would absolutely and utterly say GO GO GO for your last coupley weekend away ... as it will be an incredibly rare thing for you once the baby arrives (unless you are very very lucky with babysitters).

Phineyj · 07/08/2013 17:04

I agree with Picardy. Hen nights aren't as important as weddings, obviously, but I think you hit the nail on the head with her possibly thinking you don't have confidence in her second marriage.

meganorks · 07/08/2013 17:06

Personally I would go as she clearly wants you there and has been accommodating to your needs. You could celebrate your anniversary the other day that weekend or the one after/before. You are sort of contradicting yourself saying you couldn't afford to go to hen and away for anniversary as you say if the hen was a different weekend you would go.
That said your sister sounds lovely and would probably understand if you didn't want to go, but would just be disappointed.

MaxPepsi · 07/08/2013 17:08

I wonder how it would be if:

BIL has arranged a stag do after saying he didn't want one and wants his brother there. My DH.
It's our anniversary the same weekend and will be our last one before baby arrives. We had planned to do something.
DH has now cancelled this to go on the Stag.

There would be outrage on here and calls that he is selfish and to LTB.

What about op's husband in this? Don't his feelings come into it?

margot as someone up thread has alreay said, speak to your sister but I still think yanbu to not go. You are not cancelling on her, you already have plans

HeirToTheIronThrone · 07/08/2013 17:13

It was my hen do last weekend, and also one of my friend's DH's birthday the same Saturday (though I didn't know til she told me). What she did was bring him down to where we were, she then joined us for daytime stuff whilst he went off fishing, and met back up with him for dinner and a stay in a nice B&B that night whilst the rest of us carried on. Could you work out something like this - you already said your sister doesn't expect you to go out to bars etc?

pinkr · 07/08/2013 17:15

Its a hard one. I'm missing my sisters hen as by that point I should have a week old baby...i'm really sad to be missing it though. She's rented a wee cottage for the weekend and it was all booked before I knew I was pregnant! Dh and I aren't really into anniversaries etc so I wouldn't have a problem there....you'd still be married the next weekend! This weekend, hopefully, we'll be having our last freevweekend as just the two of us as i'm due to be induced toward the end of next week...perhaps you could save that special last weekend for nearer the birth? We plan on going to where we had our first date for a walk, then dinner etc. I really feel for you op to be in this position.

RubyrooUK · 07/08/2013 17:15

I'd go to the hen if my sister had moved her wedding date to accommodate my pregnancy.

It's not that hens are the be-all and end-all at all, simply that I think it is a bigger deal to move your wedding for your sister than to miss an anniversary trip.

It sounds like your sister has considered you all the way through her plans so I would want to attend.

But then I went on a hen and then a birthday at 39 weeks with DS1 and although I was more tired than normal, I was really glad since my social life then ground to a halt while I endlessly breastfed a disagreeable baby. (And I did dancing in bars at 3am on that hen weekend too - I must have looked hilarious.)

Gaviguzzler · 07/08/2013 17:22

If the hen night had not been on your anniversary, you would have gone along to it and still had a weekend away for your anniversary I assume? How come you can't afford a weekend away as well now that they are on the same weekend? Maybe I'm missing something. Go to the hen do and have your weekend another time.

DryCounty79 · 07/08/2013 17:29

Gaviguzzler, the OP said that her DSis had originally said she wasn't having a hen do, and that this email was the first she'd heard about it. So OP hadn't planned for a hen do at all.

diddl · 07/08/2013 17:33

I like the sound of the compromise, OP.

Plus-how do you get on with your sister?

I get on well with mine, but when with her friends, I tend to get a bit sidelined as they all get on & have things in common iyswim.

ClassyAsALannister · 07/08/2013 17:56

I'd go for the compromise. I can see why you should go to the hen night but can also see how your last baby-free anniversary is fairly important too, as you won't be able to easily travel etc once you have a little one!

Talk to your sister and DH and sound them out. If they both seem hurt then go for the compromise & if one isn't too bothered then chose the other

farewellfigure · 07/08/2013 18:11

I like the idea of moving the weekend away to the same city as the hen do. That sounds spot on and no-one will be disappointed. I think you and your sister both sound very caring and willing to compromise so I'm sure she'll understand that your anniversary is important too. Good luck!

Redlocks30 · 07/08/2013 18:23

If you knew nothing about it until the email arrived today, then I would say no, tbh. You have booked to be away and hasn't budgeted for it. I bet she'll be fine about it!

mmmuffins · 07/08/2013 19:00

Don't go. It's fine to send her an email back explaining that you didn't realise there would be a hen do, and you and DH have already booked a weekend away to celebrate your last anniversary before the baby arrives. Wish her a lovely time and tell her you are excited for the wedding.

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