not to go on my sister's hen night?

[missmargot]

My sister has just emailed me with the date and details of her hen night. I will be 7 months pregnant by the time it comes around and she has very sweetly made sure that there are activities I can join in on and made it clear she doesn't expect me to go on to late night bars with everyone else.

The problem is that her hen night is on my wedding anniversary. I know that wedding anniversaries aren't important to everyone but they are to DH and I. We have never been away for our anniversary for various reasons and we were determined that we would do so this year, firstly as it falls on a weekend so no need to take time off work and secondly because with the baby coming we may not get another weekend away in a while.

My sister has already moved her wedding forward as my due date fell on her original wedding day, which was incredibly nice of her but really unexpected, so I'm left feeling that I should probably change my plans for her.

If I'm brutally honest I would be reluctant to go even if it wasn't our anniversary as I'm already exhausted most of the time and can't imagine how I will feel in another two months. Add to that the cost of travel, activity, meal etc and I am left feeling I would rather not go, BUT would have put that to one side and gone if it weren't for the wedding anniversary issue on top of it all.

To add to my no doubt pregnany hormone induced guilt, this is my sister's second marriage and I can't help worrying that she will think that I am treating it as less important than her first marriage, where I was bridesmaid and organised a weekend away, was really enthusiastic etc.

I haven't told DH about the date yet, I know he will be really disappointed and upset if I tell him I want to cancel our weekend away (and it would be cancel as we couldn't afford for me to go on the hen night and have a special weekend away) so I want to be clear in my mind before I speak to him.

So, am I being unreasonable to tell her that I can't go and perhaps suggest she and I go out for a low key meal on another date?

[BookFairy]

missmargot If it helps, I didn't go on my sister's hen weekend (for various health reasons) and we had a lovely daytime celebration with our female relatives later on. A few people asked why I wasn't there but she had a great time with her friends and no one really remembers the hen after the wedding.

If you didn't even know about the hen weekend until the email, reply that you have already booked for your wedding anniversary but could you arrange a hen lunch with other female relatives?

[spotscotch]

Oooh, a toughie! However, considering your sister changed her actual wedding date with you in mind, she has obviously considered you in her gen do plans, and you are going to hopefully have many future anniversaries with you DH (reeaally don't get the whole anniversary thing but that is for another thread!), I think you should go to the hen do.

Agree with the others that your sister sounds really lovely, bless her!

[Mia4]

I'm sorry I think YWBU not to go because it's your anniversary, your sister sounds really accommodating towards your needs and i don't see why celebrating the day before or day after would hurt.

[Lotkinsgonecurly]

Agree combining both keeps everyone happy. Let sister know and am sure shell understand.

[diddl]

But perhaps the sister could have let OP know when she was planning the hen night for before factoring her in??

If OP can't go, she can't!

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

I would try for the combining both compromise if you possibly can. I would normally say that pre-booked weekend away trumps hen nigh, especially if it is fairly last minute and unexpected, however your sister has been very thoughtful. OTOH this weekend away is very important for your DH too. Could you have your weekend away a week earlier?

You don't know how you will feel about having a weekend away with your DH after the baby is born - my children are 9 and 7 and we have never had the slightest inclination to have a weekend away without them, so this anniversary should be one to make the most of.

[DontmindifIdo]

Actually, if you can change your weekend with DH to being at the same city, or near by, then go for lunch on the saturday with all the hens, rejoining him to have your weekend away, that way you do both. Your sister probably wo'nt expect you to be at it all.

Otherwise, I would say she's tried so hard to make you part of it all, it must be very important to her that you are involved.

[Rewindtimeplease]

You say hormone induced guilt, but tbh I think your guilt has nothing to do with hormones, and all to do with the fact that your sister has moved her wedding date for you and factored you into her hen do plans, and yet you are not happy to celebrate your anniversary (of which there will be many hopefully, unlike a wedding or a hen do) on another day.

As for being seven months pregnant, I guess it depends on your pregnancy, but certainly if you are having a straightforward pregnancy, I would not be impressed. At seven months I felt the best of my life and would have stepped over hot coals to attend my sisters hen do.

Incidentally, your sister sounds lovely.

[shufflehopstep]

As others have said, can you take your sister out for the day beforehand and explain you don't really want to go on the night out?

[frustratedashell]

I agree with mmmmuffins. It's been a last minute arrangement , your weekend away has been booked and it's your last chance to be a couple for quite a while.

[SarahNoDuck]

How would your sister feel about promising to babysit for you one weekend when the baby is here - maybe your next anniversary? That way you go to the hen this year, then get a much needed break from the baby in a year, when you and DH can drink all you like, have relaxed, uninterrupted, uncumbersome sex and REALLY appreciate the time away.

[beepoff]

I like the compromise idea of combining the two things in the same city assuming it's somewhere naice and not a grotty seaside resort of course

[Blissx]

Went to my friend's hen do on my first anniversary. My DH and I went out the night before to celebrate. She will (hopefully!) only have one hen night. I will have countless wedding anniversaries (hopefully!). YABU.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

as someone said (sorry cant name check on phone) but i would try and do both

so book a hotel in the town where hen do is,spend the saturday doing stuff maybe spa/meal/bingo whatever your sister wants - what does she want to do?

then have nice meal in eve with dh and spend night in hotel, while the rest go on the piss

[mmmuffins]

Don't go. It's fine to send her an email back explaining that you didn't realise there would be a hen do, and you and DH have already booked a weekend away to celebrate your last anniversary before the baby arrives. Wish her a lovely time and tell her you are excited for the wedding.

[Redlocks30]

If you knew nothing about it until the email arrived today, then I would say no, tbh. You have booked to be away and hasn't budgeted for it. I bet she'll be fine about it!

[farewellfigure]

I like the idea of moving the weekend away to the same city as the hen do. That sounds spot on and no-one will be disappointed. I think you and your sister both sound very caring and willing to compromise so I'm sure she'll understand that your anniversary is important too. Good luck!

[ClassyAsALannister]

I'd go for the compromise. I can see why you should go to the hen night but can also see how your last baby-free anniversary is fairly important too, as you won't be able to easily travel etc once you have a little one!

Talk to your sister and DH and sound them out. If they both seem hurt then go for the compromise & if one isn't too bothered then chose the other

[diddl]

I like the sound of the compromise, OP.

Plus-how do you get on with your sister?

I get on well with mine, but when with her friends, I tend to get a bit sidelined as they all get on & have things in common iyswim.

[DryCounty79]

Gaviguzzler, the OP said that her DSis had originally said she wasn't having a hen do, and that this email was the first she'd heard about it. So OP hadn't planned for a hen do at all.

[Gaviguzzler]

If the hen night had not been on your anniversary, you would have gone along to it and still had a weekend away for your anniversary I assume? How come you can't afford a weekend away as well now that they are on the same weekend? Maybe I'm missing something. Go to the hen do and have your weekend another time.

[RubyrooUK]

I'd go to the hen if my sister had moved her wedding date to accommodate my pregnancy.

It's not that hens are the be-all and end-all at all, simply that I think it is a bigger deal to move your wedding for your sister than to miss an anniversary trip.

It sounds like your sister has considered you all the way through her plans so I would want to attend.

But then I went on a hen and then a birthday at 39 weeks with DS1 and although I was more tired than normal, I was really glad since my social life then ground to a halt while I endlessly breastfed a disagreeable baby. (And I did dancing in bars at 3am on that hen weekend too - I must have looked hilarious.)

[pinkr]

Its a hard one. I'm missing my sisters hen as by that point I should have a week old baby...i'm really sad to be missing it though. She's rented a wee cottage for the weekend and it was all booked before I knew I was pregnant! Dh and I aren't really into anniversaries etc so I wouldn't have a problem there....you'd still be married the next weekend! This weekend, hopefully, we'll be having our last freevweekend as just the two of us as i'm due to be induced toward the end of next week...perhaps you could save that special last weekend for nearer the birth? We plan on going to where we had our first date for a walk, then dinner etc. I really feel for you op to be in this position.