To think my friend should stop pestering me?

[BiscuitDunker]

Quite long,sorry!

One of my oldest friends has moved home to the other side of town from where I live. I used to see her once every couple of weeks when she lived down the road from me but since she moved I've not really seen her for more than a few minutes when we've bumped into each other or she's popped to mine in passing to collect something of her I had.

Since she's moved (around 2months ago) I've had a lot going on in my life regarding mine,DH and our DDs health and other medical issues which is why I've not really seen her since she moved. One of these medical issues is me being diagnosed with a severe case of SPD and being put on crutches -im now 30wks pg,was 22wks when dianosed and 28wks when put on crutches-.

I still speak/text my friend regularly and give her updates on what is going on in my life (as you do) so she is fully aware of my current medical condition,how bad its become and how it seriously limits what I'm capable of doing,but yet she has still repeatedly been asking me to go and visit her new home-a first floor flat which my DH (who helped her move) has told me involves going up a set of very narrow steep stairs. Not to mention in order to get to hers I would have to take a long bus journey across town.

AIBU to think that my friend should stop going on at me to visit when she knows I'm not in a fit state to be travelling that far -a good 30-45mins one way- on a very bumpy bus (I've got the bus once since being diagnosed and I could barely move once I got off and it was only a 10min trip!) Nor would it be a good or safe idea for me to attempt to climb the stairs in her block of flats with crutches and go against the advice of my physio who has told me to avoid stairs unless I absolutely have to use them? Or should I accept her persistant thoughtless request invitation and go round to hers and deal with the pain just to shut her up so I can say I've been and seen her new home in the hope she will stop asking?

I've repeatedly said it would be best if she visits me because I'm not in a fit physical state to go to hers but I may as well be talking to a brick wall!

YANBU at all.

Don't go round, that would be ridiculous.

Just tell her absolutely straight "I CAN'T CLIMB STAIRS!" or perhaps something more polite, but to the point, like

"I can't come to yours. I really am in a lot of pain. The bus ride would be agony and physio said I must keep stairs to a min. You're welcome here any time."

And then ignore any further requests.

Don't let her bully you in to this. If she's so thoughtless to you needs then she's not worth making the effort for anyway.

YANBU. Tell it to her straight. Say you cannot physically visit hers because you are ill, and that if she wants you to see her new place, she's going to have to bloody well wait!

Ummm YANBU and YABU...
You definitely shouldn't do the journey that will make you feel worse, YANBU for wanting another option. Plus it is really annoying when people only want to see you on their terms.

YABU only because she clearly doesn't understand the pain you're in. A 'fit physical state' it a bit vague and wushu washy. 'On crutches and in crippling pain' might make her realise you're not just being awkward...

Very annoying that she won't meet you halfway.

• wishy washy, not wushu ...

Have you explained why you can't go round? Like properly explained what SPD is and why getting the bus & walking up stairs would be difficult. She may just not understand and need it spelt out.

Massive sympathy to you too, I had SPD and it has seriously put me off having any more children.

YANBU and she should leave it and stop asking. But as others have said I think you need spell it out to her why you can't go like you have on here - bus unbearably painful, can't get up stairs etc.

Also is she really pressuring you or just saying things like 'oh you must come round'. Because if its the latter it sounds more like a casual comment that is annoying you because you physically can't and she probably doesn't realise. She is probably just excited about her new home.

Regardless the time for subtlety is over

She knows full well how much pain I'm in,when she popped in for a few minutes to collect a dvd I borrowed off her last week she saw for herself exactly how much I'm struggling to walk right now but still told me before she left that I have to go round and see her flat very soon and has sent me 4 texts since then asking me if I'm free next week to go round hers!

I've explained to her what spd is when I got the diagnosis as she didn't really know,despite the fact she had a mild case of it herself towards the end of her last pregnancy,and I again went in great detail of exactly how much pain I was in and all the things I'm now supposed to avoid,including stairs,when I was put on crutches,I even told her that I was only going to get worse and suffer more pain as the pregnancy continues to the point where my physio thinks I could possibly end up in a wheelchair in the last few weeks due to the state I'm already in and how much extra weight and pressure is still to come!

She simply doesn't get it,no matter how many times I tell her or how many status's I put on facebook about the pain and difficulty I'm having moving about just doing simple day to day basic things like walking to the kitchen or going to the toilet,not to mention looking after my autistic dd (3.11) single handed as dh has recently started a new full time job after months of being out of work so is no longer at home to help me.

I know she's very happy and excited about her new home and naturally she wants me to see it,and I do want to see it,but its really starting to annoy me at how selfish(?) she's being. Surely if she actually cared or wanted to see me she would ask to see me at mine like I've suggested to her? Feels like she's only interested in showing off her new flat than actually seeing me and from what dh told me its tiny,even smaller than her old flat,so not really sure why she moved there in the first place given that she was moving because she needed somewhere bigger!

I think what makes it worse is that she keeps trying to make me feel bad about the fact I haven't really seen her since she moved sorry I've had a lot on and I still haven't been to visit her new home sorry my body is seriously fucked and to a certain extent I do feel bad but there's nothing I can do about the goings on in my life right now or the state my body is in and I really don't need or want her trying to guilt trip me and make me feel any worse than I already do about not seeing her or her new home but she's a persistant bugger at the best of times and is very much used to getting her own way,usually by nagging or guilt tripping people into doing what she wants if they don't comply on the first time of asking...its really starting to wear me down I must admit. I just want to shut her up and stop her asking but given how dense and self centred she is being it seems like the only way to do this is to just go and see her poxy bastard flat!

meganorks its not a causual "oh you must come round" thing,its "you still haven't seen my flat yet,are you free on XDate to come see it?" and "you have to come and see my flat,you still haven't been round" and the last 2 texts (sent yesterday and the day before) say "are you free tuesday next week?come round and see us,you still haven't been over." Abd its the same lines every time I talk to her. A couple of weeks ago (as in the day after I told her about the crutches) I got "when are you coming round to see my flat?you still haven't bothered! You're always busy lately,surely you've got a spare day and your body can't be that bad yet,you've still got weeks to go before you're even due!" Like I'm somehow making it all up and the physio gave me crutches for no reason!!

I think you need to spell it out even further, how about replying with a text that says something like: "I can't come to visit your flat until after the baby is born and I recover. It's just not physically possible for me. however, happy to have you here." if she says "it can't be that bad" you need to reply with "yes it is, I can't." keep repeating that you can't, not that you are chosing not too, not that it could cause you pain (which actually suggests you could do it), but that you can't. It is not physically possible for you to climb the stairs, not that you could climb the stairs but it would hurt.

If she had a mild version, she's hearing that you could do it but it'll be a bit sore as she was but perfectly possible, even if you can manage stairs but with pain, I would say you can't do stairs, so unless there's a lift or someone can carry you, you can't do it.

Don't feel guilty, if she wants to see you, she'll have to come to you.

I think if she had a mild version, she is probably just assuming its the same level as yours and that you're being a bit of a drama llama.

Maybe you should ask her what part of "I'm not physically able to" does she not understand?

Have you got any painkillers? I was prescribed 30/500 co codamol which I took when things got really bad. It didn't totally take the pain away but it enabled me to make a cuppa or go to the loo.

Urgh, just talking about it makes my hips sore. I really do feel for you.

Thank you :) I have just text her with what you said dontmind told her I can't physically manage stairs and told her once again how much agony I'm in and how horrendous the pain is so I will come and see her flat once I've had the baby and recovered but she's welcome to come to mine if she wants.

If she chooses to get snotty or anything about it I'm just going to ignore her,I don't need the stress on top of everything else to be honest.

Although I'm inclined to think she will either A)ignore my text completely B)accept what I've said for now but ask again for me to go to her,whether it be today or in a week or 2 or C)completely ignore what I've said and still keep going on at me. It wouldn't surprise me if she did anyway,seeing as its what she's done all the other times I've told her its best if she comes to me and how its not really possible or a good idea for me to go to hers..

Jesus she sounds like a nightmare.

I think I'd end up getting cross and being short with her! "I'm in a huge amount if pain, it is not physically possible for me to visit your flat until baby is born and I'm better. What part of this don't you understand? How difficult is it to comprehend FFS!

famzilla I was prescribed 30/500 co-codamol at 22wks and by 26wks I was back up the drs begging for something stronger as they were no longer having any effect on the pain at all! They couldn't give me anything else so I was referred to physio as an urgent case and physio was in shock at the state and level of pain I was suffering as apparently most women with spd don't get as bad as me until around 34-36wks (unless they're having twins ect-which I'm not) and can usually manage most of the pain and discomfort with painkillers. This is only my second pregnancy too! Just as well I don't plan on having and now certainly don't want any more babies lol! This is just plain awful,not entirely sure how on earth I'm going to cope for this last 10wks let alone if I go overdue!

It sounds like she want to show off her new flat which isn't unreasonable in itself as she's probably really excited about it and is proud of it. No doubt she wants to share her excitement with you - an old friend. However, it is unreasonable of her to ignore your medical condition which clearly prevents you from going over there right now. Perhaps you could say that yuo'd love to see her new place but can't right now due to your hips and try to put a date in the diary for after the baby is born to go over (if that's feasible), as that may pacify her a bit.

I don't think her wanting to show off her new flat and being excited about it is unreasonable but I'm starting to wonder is she's more bothered about that than the serious pain I'd have to put myself in if I was to go round there as its all she goes on about. Don't get me wrong I don't expect a load of sympathy off her re my condition either but I would at least expect her to understand or accept that its not possible for me to visit right now.

As an update-As predicted she has completely ignored my text telling her I can't go to hers until after I've had the baby but she's welcome to come to mine. And I know she's seen my text because she has been on facebook several times since I sent it and I know the only access she has to the internet right now is through her iphone. Oh well. Perhaps she'll reply in a day or 2 but I'm still fully expecting quite a few "come see my flat" requests between now and me giving birth!

Oh god,she sounds exhausting! Might be best to keep her at arms length for a while. If she does text,just reply with something short "I can't visit your flat, I'm in too much pain, and its not going to get better until after the baby is born" and do the broken record thing with it.

Or just say "no"

give her a date - this time next year. Have you asked her why she's being so stupid/thoughtless?

I had SPD and honestly it was incredible how many people assumed I was laying it on thick to get out of doing stuff. The hip exercises really worked for me, I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy. your friend won't understand just how painful it is unless she has had it but she should be at least listening!

Remember: "No" is a complete. sentence. Every time she badgers you, just say "No, I can't." Don't offer any reasons, just stick to that and only that every time she asks.

I think I will probably find myself doing the broken record thing or just ignoring her when if she asks.

As yet she still hasn't replied but I'm not going to chase her,if she's throwing a strop because I said I won't be going round anytime soon then that's her look out. I can't help the way my body is right now so she'll either have to come to mine or not see me at all.

DH is very grateful to you all. He's been telling me to tell my friend I can't physically go to hers for weeks now but my guilt about it all stopped me so he was the one who suggested I ask on MN as he knows I spend quite a bit of time on here and if the general concenus was that she's the one BU for asking and not listening then I'd probably listen and feel less guilty-and he was right! So thank you

She sounds like a PITA. I think you should be blunt with her when she next badgers you "I totally understand tht you are thrilled with your new flat and I really do want to see it. However, I am in crippling agony, cannot walk and may well have to go into a wheelchair in the next few weeks under doctors orders. To continue to pester me to make a trip to visit your flat which is simply not physically possible at this point is tremendously insensitive. Please stop." If she is any sort of friend she will back off and apologise for her behaviour. She certainly needs to.

She would probably back off and sulk like a diva but she certainly wouldn't apologise for going on at me after being told its not going to happen. I don't think I've ever heard her apologise for her behaviour in the 20yrs I've known her!

and yes she is a massive PITA sometimes!She gets it off her battleaxe mother

Ah luckily for me it was my first PG so I just took ML early and did nothing all day, every day for months. Apart from eat cake and watch JK

My MW and GP were discussing early induction if things got too bad. My waters broke at 38+ 6 naturally anyways but is this something you would consider?

I'm sorry you're struggling, hopefully it passes relatively quickly for you. It'll all be worth it once you have that beautiful baby in your arms

With the way I'm going I would consider early induction if it gets offered to me but this being my second pregnancy means I don't see my MW anywhere near as much as I did last time.

I'm hoping the time does fly by,I'd love to be pain free and able to walk properly again! But I agree,its all very much worth it once baby is in your arms :)

people just don't understand the level of pain that you can be in from SPD. I hope she gets the hint soon and good luck with your pregnancy. They don't like to induce the baby early unless there is a risk to the baby which unfortunately SPD isn't. However begging helps - my friend who had awful SPD with 2nd pregnancy was induced at 38 weeks but only because she sat in her GP's sobbing until he agreed to recommend it..