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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if everyone around me favours baby boys

59 replies

whatwasIthinkingof · 06/08/2013 23:14

Ok, I already have a DD and she is fab. Am 28 weeks pregnant with DD2, I knew right from the start of the pregnancy that she was another girl but can?t help but be disappointed as I know it is not what my family want and having girls seems to be more looked down on generally. Am totally astonished at all the comments on MN from people who wanted girls instead of boys, - not what I have been hearing! Before I even got pregnant again, when people asked us if we would have any more kids I got comments about how we are bound to want to have a boy as one of each is ideal (apparently) and how sons are special (especially a first son apparently), girls are more fragile and more needy etc (again, apparently!).

There?s several reasons I wanted a DS: I know my brother and SIL want one so desperately (I have a niece and nephew and I know they want a boy playmate for my nephew) and I suppose I want to please them (which I know is stupid but can?t help it!); males seem to have an easier time in society generally ? am sure I will get told how wrong this is; everyone I speak to seems to prefer to have sons regardless of what they already have; my inlaws are all football mad and prefer the company of males, MIL in particular says she hates being with all women, although DH has managed not to be like this!

We have not told anyone the gender and won?t until after the birth but am getting so fed up with comments like ?ooh let?s hope it?s a boy this time?. SIL is always dropping hints that she wants it to be a boy and i just feel like saying ?why the fuck does it matter so much??. The one person I did tell it was a girl said ?oh.. shame? which upset me and made me not want to tell people.

Deep down I don?t think I mind that much that it?s another girl (am pretty sure DH doesn?t mind either) as I know we will adore her as much as DD1. But people?s comments and stereotypes are bugging me so much that I actually feel sad about it. I keep thinking this is what my girls will have to put up with in life, - that they are a disappointment. I have already experienced this as my grandmother always favoured my brother (my gmother always idolised males) and my parents never challenged it so I know what it is like.

Am sure it is partly my history that makes me angry about this but even
taking that into account, it seems to be confirmed all the time how it is better to have a son and if you have all girls then it?s a shame somehow. Woman at work even said to another colleague whose first child was a boy ? ?ooh isn?t it just so lucky to have a son!?. I just thought, why is it not lucky to have a daughter? I keep thinking I am lucky to be pregnant again and a baby is what we wanted regardless of gender and I just need to get some perspective on it but I keep hearing these things and getting upset!

OP posts:

DoodleAlley · 07/08/2013 07:02

I had a DS and Loved him so much that when we found out DC2 was going to be a DD I was shocked and it took me a while to adjust.

Fast forward to now and she is three months old and the most amazing little girl who I adore.

I think I thought getting another DS would mean I got a little version of DS1 again and when I found out we were having a girl it brought home to me how DS1 is growing up so much.

They are all individuals and I'm sorry your family can't see that it's such a shame. I'm glad your daughter will have you to protect her and appreciate her.

In some ways maybe a DS would have become a favourite in your family's eyes soaybe it's good she is a girl instead?

Try not to let it affect your pregnancy. Your child - whether she is in fact a girl or turns out to be a surprise boy will be beautiful and precious and individual.

DoodleAlley · 07/08/2013 07:05

As an aside when I was having DS1 I was convinced he would be a DD so when we found out at the scan I took time to adjust then too.

I have absolutely no intuition about these things!

Fairylea · 07/08/2013 07:20

If you know the sex already and they are all being like this I would tell them NOW so they can get their heads around it and stop being so silly.

I have a girl and a boy, but to be honest dc are all just children, there's no real difference between them! My dd aged 10 is a tomboy and getting her anywhere near a shower is a nightmare ! And ds loves playing with dolls and kissing them (he's 14.months).

LisaMWill · 07/08/2013 07:30

I'm pregnant with dc3, have 2 girls already. Fil said to me 'it'll be a boy this time' I said to him I don't think that is how it works, his response was 'well u have 2 girls now so the next one has to be a boy' idiot. Hoping for another girl now :)

kungfupannda · 07/08/2013 07:35

It's just something people say when they can't think of anything else to comment on!

I got it with DS2 - "oh, aren't you disappointed?"

We are umming and ahing over a third DC, and I have a gut feeling it would be a third boy - people would probably be weeping on my shoulder if that happened.

ChristineDaae · 07/08/2013 07:36

I'm pregnant with my second. I already have a DD. She was a nightmare pregnancy, followed by a MC, so I honestly couldn't care less wether the baby I am carrying has a penis or not. So long as its healthy. (Saying that, DD is determined she wants a sister!)

Mouthfulofquiz · 07/08/2013 07:37

Each child is so different that I think gender is actually irrelevant! You might have a little girl who loves trains and tractors! Congratulations too! Xx

Fakebook · 07/08/2013 07:43

Ask your SIL, in all seriousness (and hold her hand as you ask this), 'Where did all your problems with females come from? do you want to talk about it?'

I am so tempted to use that line on my sil! I've had three pregnancies in which sil had speculated I'm having a boy each time. I never share the gender but she's always desperate to comment on how I'm having a baby boy . She's been right once out of three. She has some kind of complex about girls being one of 8 sisters I think.

Your sil sounds like m

fluffyraggies · 07/08/2013 07:47

My XMIL was blatant in her desire for me to have boys. ''Ooh boys are wonderful''. ''Ooh boys are soooo much better than girls''. Even ''ooh how i'd have hated to have a girl''! (she had 3 sons) (so God knows how she got her info regarding how much better boys are actually)

Anyway - i produced 3DDs. And am happy as larry about it

I've told this before here, but when my XH rung his mum from the hospital to tell her the news of the safe arrival of DC3 and that it was a girl she said flatly ''oh. never mind.''

OP i would second the idea that it might be worth telling your family now that your baby is a girl. Then at least you can get all the daft comments out of the way, and every one can settle down and be ready to welcome the new baby :)

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 07/08/2013 08:07

People say these sort of things because they aren't thinking, and sometimes just to make conversation. I have a gorgeous DS and people say to me 'oh so you'll want a girl next'. Um no, I want a healthy child. Surely that's all we can ask for?

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 07/08/2013 08:09

YouStayClassy , perfect reply.
I also have 3 boys. I had the " are you going to try for a girl" comments. Ridiculous!!!! You get what you are given. I love the dynamics of a single sex family.
Congratulations on the forthcoming addition to your family

ShadowMeltingInTheSun · 07/08/2013 08:17

I think a lot of it's down to the assumption that the ideal balance is for couples to have one of each gender.

I know couples with 2 DS's who've had similar comments about it being a shame that DS2 wasn't a DD, simply because they already had a DS.

rowtunda · 07/08/2013 08:38

I've got a DS and pregnant - the number of people who have said that I must want a girl this time is astonishing!

Why would I ness want a girl? I think may DS would probably have more fun with another boy really. I come from two sisters and I loved it. I think two girls is wonderful, two boys or one of each is wonderful. Either way has pros and cons - just wish everyone would wind there neck in with the assumptions that one of each somehow trumps everything else!

Chocolatepup · 07/08/2013 08:45

I never cared what I had. I have one of each and can remember people saying to me that I 'must want a girl' because we already had a boy. I didn't give a toss and can never understand why people care so much so long as they have a healthy child. DD is such a tomboy anyway it's a bit like having two boys at the moment!

Whothefuckfarted · 07/08/2013 08:49

If anyone ever said to me-

'Oh, aren't you disappointed it's a girl when you've already got one?'

I would point out the stupidness behind what they said.

Something along the lines of-

'No of course not, none of my children are a disappointment to me! Especially not on the grounds of their sex which is totally out of anyone's control! That's an awful thing to say, just horrid... pass me the dip please..'

NoComet · 07/08/2013 08:52

I wanted and have two girls, they are so utterly different that I don't think a boy and a girl would be much more of a contrast.

In fact my quirky, book and science loving DD1 has a male DF who is way more like her than her sporty sociable sister.

HoneyDragon · 07/08/2013 09:04

Worra can you pop your eldest on the 403 bus to me please?

I have one of each. I wasn't bothered what I had, the negativity I got was from a family member who didn't want dd to be a girls as that would stop her dd being special.

This fucked me of as it meant she was basically stating ds was lesser simply because he was male.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2013 09:04

If one more person asks my DiL if she's disappointed that DC3 is another boy , she and I will scream!

Yep. She's gutted that she's carrying another healthy baby who will be a sibling for her two adored DSs.

People are contrary, Whatever you're having, they'll ask you if you wanted (or were trying for) the opposite.

I wish they'd realise how rude and thoughtless it is.

(Oh, and round here, it's very much girls that are favoured)

NoComet · 07/08/2013 09:05

Also despite being very different there are huge advantages to having two the same sex.

They do play together, they happily go to the same shops, they rub along with each others friends, they'll watch the same films and read some of the same books.

They'll mess about doing each others hair.

When they were small they would hand on clothes and school uniform. Not at 12&15 because their style is very different and DD2 is shorter and much slighter than DD2 was at 12.

They do totally different hobbies, with the exception they both love swimming, so I get plenty of taxi driving to do.

And do not believe a word any one says about teen girls, DD1 is 15 and she is helpful, huggy and really lovely to have about.

DD2(12) is more highly strung and worried about what people think, but she always has been. She may be totally horrible in a year or two, but I doubt it because she's used to getting short shift for stroppyness.

KirjavaTheCat · 07/08/2013 09:15

I'm pregnant with number two, she's a girl, my first child is a boy.

My friends and family are overjoyed for us. People love it when their plans for your family come together

I find that the preferred sex is female amongst the people I know, a lot less of a fuss is made when a baby boy is born 'round these parts.

Smartiepants79 · 07/08/2013 09:17

The one and only question that used to bug me when I was pregnant was "would you like a boy or a girl ?" It is not a choice. I'm not going shopping to choose one off the shelf.
Deep down I knew I wanted girls.
Luckily I got what I wanted and have 2 daughters!
I would have loved my sons just as much!

SuffolkNWhat · 07/08/2013 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solarbright · 07/08/2013 12:19

The whole focus on gender, anyway, is only because it one of the few knowable things about an in-utero baby. The scan can't pick up if s/he will be into track & field or computer programming, or kind to animals, or able to cook the family dinner at age 8, or a talented musician. None of the important stuff. So thus everyone obsesses about the gender. It is ridiculous.

Fancies40Winks · 07/08/2013 12:27

People that say things like this need to FUCK OFF. Seriously.

I have been trying to get pregnant for two years. When I got a positive test I couldn't have given the smallest shite whether I was having a boy or girl. When I found out it was a missed miscarriage, it didn't matter whether it was a boy or girl I had lost. A healthy baby is an amazing blessing, end of.

PigOnStilts · 07/08/2013 12:33

I love my boys and always wanted boys...i get so annoyed at this nonsense. Not helped of course by posters like her upthread who complained about boys being moany.

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