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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To think DH WON'T be able to keep the sex a secret from me!?

60 replies

212VIP · 06/08/2013 21:15

This is DC3.
We found out with the first two what sex they were. We have one of each. I HONESTLY don't care this time what the sex is.
Am planning (fingers crossed) a homebirth as first two births were straightforward and second was super-quick.
I'd really love to have DH tell me the sex when it's born.
But he is ADAMANT he wants to find out the sex at the 20 week scan.
I'm only 14 weeks so we have a while to discuss!
I just don't reckon he'll manage to keep schtum.
Add into the equation a meddling MIL who has already said she doesn't care about my opinion because SHE wants to know so she can plan ahead.
If DH knew she'd wheedle it out of him and then they'd both know.
And there is NO WAY IN HELL she'd be able to keep quiet. She'd enjoy spoiling it for me.

Help! How do I talk him round??

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 06/08/2013 23:38

Could you not conveniently have your scan at a hospital that doesnt tell?

When the Sonographer asks "Do you want to know the sex?" say a firm.No. Of your DH says Yes then it is up to thw Sonographer who they side with Grin

3birthdaybunnies · 06/08/2013 23:47

In the circumstances I reckon there is no way that dh or MIL won't let slip - either come to terms with finding out @ 20wks or tell sonographer. There is no way that they will side with him over you, ultimately they need you to be there for the scan, he can be asked to leave.

UnrequitedSkink · 06/08/2013 23:51

Can you somehow let the sonographer know that they should 'have difficulty' identifying the sex before you and your DH go in? Have a note passed to him/her?

5madthings · 06/08/2013 23:56

You are right they probably won't be able to keep it secret.

And the scan is for medical reasons, they may not be able to see the sex of the baby and they can and do get it wrong. Tell dh this.

Its nothing to do with your mil, not her decision at all!

Ultimately the scan is a medical procedure on you, you get to decide if anyone is with you and any information given in the scan is personal to you and up to you to disclose if you want or not.

Just say no.

Fwiw with our first three we didn't find out, I was very tempted to but dp wanted a surprise and so I didn't find out. With no 4 we agreed to find out.

No 5 we wanted a surprise but then the sonographer said she had a good view of the sexmand did we want to know, we looked at each other and said yes. But if we ever have another baby I would opt not to find out, its a lovely surprise finding out at the birth :)

montysma1 · 07/08/2013 00:57

I found out and managed to keep schtum. I already had twin girls and needed to know whether to chuck clotheS out to make room for boy stuff or keep all the girl stuff to re use. He just stepped out of the room and they whispered to me.They were quite tickled about the whole thing.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/08/2013 01:30

When the Sonographer asks "Do you want to know the sex?" say a firm.No. Of your DH says Yes then it is up to thw Sonographer who they side with

If the mother says no then they are not legally allowed to tell the father.until the baby comes out its part of the mothers body so subject to the same medical confidentiality rules as any other part of her body would be.

raisah · 07/08/2013 02:51

I didn't want to know second time round as I had a traumaticfirst birth experience that as long as it was healthy I didn't care. The sonographer accidentally let slip that it was a girl but backtracked as soon as she realised. So I have a ds & a dd. Just be clear that you don't want to know & don't trust your fh & MIL with the news either. 20 weeks is a long time to keep quiet about the sex of the baby.

ravenAK · 07/08/2013 03:29

I would pull rank on this one.

& if he didn't like it, I'd be changing the scan appointment & not telling him when the new one was.

I wanted to know with all 3dc, but that's not the point - it's your decision.

Original poster
212VIP · 07/08/2013 08:03

Thanks all. It's good to know that I'm not bring totally unreasonable in editing him to not know too.

monty thanks for telling me your story. Like people have said the whole he/she slip up is one thing but how did you hide chucking out blue stuff and buying pink?? That's what worries me. 20 weeks is a long time after all.

Also someone else asked of he'd guilt tripped me into finding out with the first two. No he didn't. I was CERTAIN that DS was a girl do he said maybe we should check before you (continue) buying pink stuff. I hit the second one wrong (as was desperate for a girl) with the second one so we agreed to find out. As it turned out I had problems with her pregnancy did loads of scan so would have always found out probably.

Just feel really strongly this time (mainly because for the first time I genuinely have no idea what it is, nor do I have a preference) that I'd love it to be a surprise.

I can't bear the thought of arguing over the next six weeks or the 20 weeks after with him tip-toeing around baby conversations for fear of letting it skip.

If I thought he could manage to NOT tell his mum I might consider him knowing and not me. But she's like a nazi interrogator.

OP posts:
Wereonourway · 07/08/2013 08:20

I think mil sounds like the problem here. Is your dh desperate to know as he is being swayed by his dm?

Your last post sounds as f you don't mind dh knowing but you would rather mil didn't. Which is entirely understandable.

I wanted to find out with ds, as did exp but I knew he was a boy just by looking at screen. I could see his bits so even if I'd not wanted to know I would have iykwim.

I think you shouldn't and firm if you really don't want to know. Surely dh will get over it

AllOutOfIdeas · 07/08/2013 08:28

With my first pregnancy we found out the sex and mil went overboard buying shite stuff and took the fun out of it for me.

With dts I didn't want to find out, mostly because of mil if I am honest but also because I did want to find out when they were born.

Dp did want to find out at the 20 week scan.

The sonographer refused to tell him or write it down as I was the patient so it was my wishes and she couldn't tell him as it would break confidentiality.

honeytea · 07/08/2013 08:30

I think that you are entitled to choose not to find out? It is a temporary choice that has no lasting effect on any of you but if you want to have the surprise when you give birth I think that is fair.

Do you still have the clothes from your dd and ds? Whatelse is there that mil needs to plan?

AllOutOfIdeas · 07/08/2013 08:30

Oops posted too soon.

I would let the subject drop and just say at the scan you don't want to know.

Or play sneaky to save a row and ask the sonographer to say they can't tell as baby is in the wrong position or something.

PearlyWhites · 07/08/2013 08:35

Saffyz but not just HER baby

Catsize · 07/08/2013 08:39

What is his reasoning? Have never understood wanting to know, other than impatience. I am sure the not knowing made me push a bit harder!

sameoldIggi · 07/08/2013 08:45

How does the MiL have to prepare anything? How odd?
It would be nicer if you and dh could agree, but ultimately it's not his choice.

mrsjay · 07/08/2013 08:47

just say as others have said you dont want to know the sex they wont tell your husband , no I dont think he would manage to keep it a secret he would slip up putting a random he/she into baby conversation and spoil it,

Emilythornesbff · 07/08/2013 08:54

Yanbu.
Ideally it's something he should just go along with (i am biased as i loved finding out at the birth)
If he is being very difficult I would speak to the sonographer in his absence and just ask her to not be able to see what the sex is. They have to actually look to see IYSWIM. Sometimes the positioning makes it tricky.
In answer to someone else's question: no, he has no right to find out against your wishes. They can't tell him if you don't want them to.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 07/08/2013 09:01

My Dsil had this dilemma but it was her who wanted to know and her DH who didn't.

I went with her to the scan to look after my niece while she was having it done.

She couldn't help but tell me that she was having another girl and I was sworn to secrecy. She still to his day hasn't told her DH that she knew what she was having.

I still feel bad that I knew and my Bil didn't.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/08/2013 09:14

Saffyz but not just HER baby

At the moment it is. Its inside her body she gets the choice.

You cannot assert fathers rights over the contents of a woman's body not under any circumstance

coffeeinbed · 07/08/2013 09:19

Sonographers always ask. They must keep your info confidential as well, as mentioned above, so it's your wish that counts.
Mind you, sometimes you're able to see it yourself on the screen...

He won't be able to keep it a secret, I agree.

sameoldIggi · 07/08/2013 09:28

It's not really the dh knowing that's the problem is it, it's what we've heard about the mil and the fact that dh knowing will equal OP finding out, against her wishes.

Emilythornesbff · 07/08/2013 09:36

I do find that nagging works Grin

I would NOT tell him you don't want him to know because you don't want mil to find out.

Just explain that as you have "one of each" you would really love for him to tell you at the birth and that it will help you during labour to have that to look forward to. Explain how you see it in your mind when you picture the birth of your lovely baby that you've made together.
Touch him while you say this.

Justforlaughs · 07/08/2013 09:39

I am really against any "it's MY body" crap and always advocate involving the father as much as possible. HOWEVER, OP I think you should stick to your guns on this one. You have both found out twice and I think that there is something very special about not knowing the sex of your baby until it is born. Does he realise how much it means to you? If you've got one of each already, I imagine that you can pull a bag of suitable blue/ pink things out of the attic anyway, and if not - go with white!There is no way in hell that you will go through the rest of your pregnancy not knowing, if he finds out. And just the thought that MIL would know, before me/ you would make me really Angry. YANBU and don't give in. Make it clear that you will be telling the sonographer that you (plural) don't want to know, and if he can't accept that, then you will be going on your own for your scan.

PanicMode · 07/08/2013 09:40

Our sonographer wouldn't tell us unless we were both in agreement - I wanted to know, he didn't. In the end we weren't able to find out as the baby had (his as it turned out) legs firmly crossed!