Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to keep meeting up with boring friend.

48 replies

Aworryingtrend · 06/08/2013 16:21

The title sounds awful, I'll explain.
A friend (L) and I have kept in touch since our university days 12 years ago. We live 200 miles apart so meeting up is fairly infrequent perhaps 4 times a year though she would like it to be more often. In between meet ups we text or Facebook occasionally.
The issue I have and this makes me sound very unkind, is that I simply do not enjoy our meet ups at all. The reason is that my friend seems to lack the social skills I would expect when meeting with someone you haven't seen for 3 months. eg she rarely asks anything about my life (despite me having gad a baby 10 months ago) and can be quite authoritative and critical. eg if shopping together and I go to buy some face cream she will say things like 'oh no that ones rubbish you should get this one instead'. In addition this is awful to say but the conversation is so very dull. Last time we met she talked about housework, the local school children making too mut noise on their way home (she sometimes works from home) and what good offers the supermarket has this week. She has always been a bit 'old before her time' but its definitely got worse lately.

I am beginning to resent spending a whole day of the weekend plus £40 on train tickets plus lunch etc on these meet up days. We are due to meet this Saturday and to be honest im dreading it. I just want to do something fun not talk about the price of loo roll.
I wish my friend no ill will whatsoever and don't want to have any kind of argument with her but how can I get out of these meet ups without having to say 'you are dull and I don't want to spend time with you Sad '
I feel so mean but honestly I think I have to do something as Im dreading Saturday.
Suggestions please?

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 06/08/2013 16:24

Is there somewhere you can meet up where you KNOW that you will have fun? I don't see how you can cancel now without being really rude, but there's no law that says that you have to stay friends. Are there any mutual friends that you are worried about? If not, walk away and don't look back.

Ragwort · 06/08/2013 16:25

You can either be blunt and say something like 'our friendship seems to be drifting apart. we don't have much in common anymore' or put this Saturday off, say you haven't been well and if she suggests another date say you will get back to her, you are pretty busy at the moment ........ and hope she gets the hint. Stop responding to her on FB as well.

oldgrandmama · 06/08/2013 16:28

have the summer 'flu or something? Honestly, if she's that hard work, then why carry on the relationship? You've a baby etc. so surely easy to get out of actual meetings, using excuse of child care etc. etc. You could still contact through FB, email or whatever, just pull out of actual meetings.

softlysoftly · 06/08/2013 16:29

I'd do Saturday at this point too late notice to pull out, but then try and let is fade out. Don't book anything else, give non committal "busy" responses, don't initiate contact, let it tail off as freindships would have done without the inventions of mobile phones, friends reunited and bloody facebook.

Oh and for this Saturday try and arrange to meet somewhere where you know you will enjoy, or there is a time limit before leaving or you can get drunk to cope

Leeds2 · 06/08/2013 16:35

Do you have any other uni friend(s) who would be prepared to go with you?

I would definitely go this Saturday, but maybe after that use your baby as a reason why you can't make quite so many dates eg going to a local teddy bears' picnic/birthday party/farm event etc.

Your friend sounds lonely to me. Maybe on Saturday you could try and encourage her to do a night school class, join the gym or something so that she widens her circle of friends.

Oblomov · 06/08/2013 16:37

Why don't you actually tell her this Saturday, " do you know you never ask me any questions, about how I am, or what's going on in my life"

aldiwhore · 06/08/2013 16:41

Meet up less frequently, or more frequently so it becomes less about News and more about general chit chat. Wine helps (that's probably not great advice).

You're not horrible, but if you LIKE her, then you need to start arrange things that aren't purely an exchange of News... and it can be awkward even with very old and very dear friends. Obviously your mode of meet up is not working.

If you're simply very different beings, limit the meet ups. Miss on, then another, then another and one day you'll be firm Christmas Card friends without the need for falling out.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 06/08/2013 16:47

How about meeting up to do something? Do you like the theatre or movies?

pigletmania · 06/08/2013 17:37

I would do this sat, than when she tries to arrange anter meet up, keep telling her your busy and you will let her know, and hopefully she will get the hint

WhoNickedMyName · 06/08/2013 18:23

Agree with Oblomov. This friendship is dead in the water by the sounds of it so you have nothing to lose.

If you're not that brave, get this Saturday out of the way, and then contact her in writing to say that you feel that you've drifted apart as friends, have very little left in common and you're sorry but you won't be meeting up with her in future.

I don't tend to like the "let the friendship drift" advice, because on the receiving end of that is often someone who is fundamentally a nice enough person who knows something is wrong but is left bewildered as to what they've done.

Saffyz · 06/08/2013 18:35

What made you become friends in the first place? What happens if you start a conversation on a topic you're interested in?

zipzap · 06/08/2013 18:41

Are you meeting half way or at her house?

If you do end up having to go, psyche yourself up in advance to tackle everything that she does that you have a problem with. If she ends up getting upset then you are better off no worse off if she buggers off and doesn't ever suggest meeting up again. As a minimum it should make the day a bit more bearable.

Every time she says something critical, pick her up on it, even if using the MN standard - did you mean to be so rude?

If she says that your choice of xxx is rubbish but yyy is better, then say no, I disagree. For me personally, I find that yyy doesn't work for me but xxx works really well. We're all different - there's no right or wrong answer.

That way you're taking the upper hand, not criticising her choice but validating your own (you could of course do the oh no, I find that one rubbish, this is much better if you want to be more assertive about things!)

If you go for a meal, and she starts talking about boring stuff, be over jolly and say oh come on, we're not old grannies yet, we're only meeting up for the day, let's not waste the time on boring stuff, let's talk about/do fun stuff/[insert whatever you want to do here]. And every time she switches onto boring stuff, just say no no no, we're not grannies today remember!!! and jolly her along.

Be brave and practise it all in your mind beforehand so you can do it and know what to say, so it sounds natural and not nasty or odd.

Alternatively, look at the national rail website and see if there are any problems on the bit of rail that you are needing to travel on - any planned works where your journey might be thrown onto buses or delayed? Or something cropping up at home that needs dealing with? or a weather report that means it's better not to travel? Or just be non-specific and say that something has cropped up so you're going to have to cancel this time. And don't get drawn on the details.

good luck!

PatButchersEarring · 06/08/2013 19:21

Ooh, OP. I feel your pain. She sounds like my partners Dad..except when I see him, I have no choice but to be his captive audience for 3 plus days solid..and also throw 'being authoritative and banging on and on about right wing politics' into the mix!

If you can avoid her, I would.

Have flu/chest infection/the plague this time, and make excuses next time.

Life is too short to spend with people who bore you to death with their own mundanities but show zero interest in anything that you say or do!

Aworryingtrend · 06/08/2013 20:20

Thank you all, some really good advice there. Its a good point that maybe the day itself isn't sufficiently 'fun' the last few meet ups we've had- just lunch and window shopping at a city between us. We used to have spa days but can't afford it at the moment as im on maternity leave.
Truth be told I don't think we do have much in common:I am very much a positive person, even though ds's first few months weren't always easy, but she has a rather negative and complaining nature.
I think zipzaps suggestions of calling her on it when she's rude/boring is an excellent one as after each meet up I come away thinking 'I wish I had said xyz in response to that'.
I don't feel I can in all conscience pull out of Saturday as I know she has bought train tickets.

OP posts:
Cat98 · 06/08/2013 20:25

Poor friend :(

Chaaannggees · 06/08/2013 20:25

To me it shuts seems like your time is precious now and with a baby, you don't want to spend a whole day devoted to one person when before maybe you didn't mind.
I would suggest inviting her over then you are not so put out re the baby and maybe do something you choose to do.
Do you usually take the baby with you to your trips? That sounds like hard work.
I don't want to make you feel bad but perhaps it is a little bit mean to say she is boring when it's more that you just don't want to spend the time with her anymore for several reasons.

Chaaannggees · 06/08/2013 20:26

Sounds like

Aworryingtrend · 06/08/2013 20:43

Changes there may be an element of that- certainly my time feels much more precious now and I am, perhaps ruthlessly, only wanting to spend time with people I enjoy spending time with. As I say I bear no ill feeling towards her, happy to keep in touch but it is just the all day meet ups that are the issue.
She has stayed with us previously but she's a nightmare guest to be honest! Fussy eater, usually arrives late and stays in bed till 11am. So I haven't invited her to stay recently as it wouldn't work with ds. Whoever asked whether I take ds- sometimes, not this Saturday though DH is having a day with him.

OP posts:
Chaaannggees · 06/08/2013 20:57

Sleeping in late sounds OK but not really staying over... Again, too much hard work especially with the distance involved

Saffyz · 06/08/2013 21:02

This friend may not mean to be rude. Maybe she feels she's just giving an honest opinion on things like face cream, and sees it as sharing helpful information? That's something which friends do, but perhaps she's just rather clumsy at expressing these things. So it wouldn't really be fair to come down too hard on her, if she means no harm by things like this, and is actually trying, in the best way she knows how, to be helpful.

I also think it's quite normal for friends to share mundane things with each other. I'm quite happy to talk about stuff like housework/shopping because if you're with friends it's just sharing everyday things. I think how exhausting it must be, to be "interesting" all the time, to be a conversational wit and the life and soul - I couldn't do it! Likewise I couldn't be "positive" all the time (and purposely rebel against the fashion for "positive thinking" TBH!) and appreciate sharing both the bad and good with friends, as they can with me.

So, I don't think your friend is "boring", but more that you feel bored with the friendship as you each have a different perspective on life. Having said that, she should certainly be asking you about your own life and how it's all going with you. Once again I think she's probably oblivious, not because she's an unpleasant person but because she may lack social skills. Some people just haven't had families they can learn these skills from, others may have depression or be slightly onto the autistic spectrum. And others are just unfriendly or deliberately rude, but from what you've said that doesn't sound like your friend.

From my point of view as a rather uninteresting person, please be kind to your friend, as it's hurtful to find out that others see you as boring, find your conversations laughably dull, or drop you for unknown reasons. I'd rather someone said honestly to my face "I'd really like it if you could ask me about how my life's going".

I'm still wondering how you became friends in the first place - was she different at university?

Chaaannggees · 06/08/2013 21:12

Good post Saffyz
Solidarity for we dullards!
Grin

deepfriedsage · 06/08/2013 21:38

I think she should be asking about you. The rest is as Saffyz said

I didn't realise my former friend was probably on the autistic spectrum till today, apparently those obsessed with calories and what they eat have been found to be recently. I feel guilty now for being bored listening to her fixation.

HildaOgden · 06/08/2013 21:46

Not every friendship lasts a lifetime,and maybe this is one of those.

You could see on Saturday whether you can plan something fun,or distracting,so that it isn't too intense.

If it's a case that you have just grown apart though,then I'd just cool it and leave it to fizzle out.I don't think you need to tell her that she's negative/boring whatever...if that's how she has always been,then it's a bit unfair to pull her up on it now.

Chaaannggees · 06/08/2013 21:59

This often seems to crop up on MN ..it's an attitude I find hard to understand.
I mean, it's not necessary to meet up with her if you don't want to but why call her boring and cut her out as a friend altogether..I'm afraid yes that actually IS incredibly mean. Friends aren't there to serve us in some way..they are someone we feel affection towards etc

What you really mean is that she is just not good enough / interesting enough for you to be friends with... which therefore means you think you are better than her and you don't want to waste time on her.

I don't see why we can't stay friends with pretty much everyone.. Unless they are manipulative or bad in some way. Of course how much time you spend together is a different matter.

Southeastdweller · 06/08/2013 22:10

The lengthy post by Saffyz is excellent. I think you need to be kinder and have a little empathy as well as initiating some 'fun stuff' to do.

I notice you haven't said one nice thing about this friend, which is odd for someone who claims to be so positive.