To not want to keep meeting up with boring friend.

[Aworryingtrend]

The title sounds awful, I'll explain.
A friend (L) and I have kept in touch since our university days 12 years ago. We live 200 miles apart so meeting up is fairly infrequent perhaps 4 times a year though she would like it to be more often. In between meet ups we text or Facebook occasionally.
The issue I have and this makes me sound very unkind, is that I simply do not enjoy our meet ups at all. The reason is that my friend seems to lack the social skills I would expect when meeting with someone you haven't seen for 3 months. eg she rarely asks anything about my life (despite me having gad a baby 10 months ago) and can be quite authoritative and critical. eg if shopping together and I go to buy some face cream she will say things like 'oh no that ones rubbish you should get this one instead'. In addition this is awful to say but the conversation is so very dull. Last time we met she talked about housework, the local school children making too mut noise on their way home (she sometimes works from home) and what good offers the supermarket has this week. She has always been a bit 'old before her time' but its definitely got worse lately.

I am beginning to resent spending a whole day of the weekend plus £40 on train tickets plus lunch etc on these meet up days. We are due to meet this Saturday and to be honest im dreading it. I just want to do something fun not talk about the price of loo roll.
I wish my friend no ill will whatsoever and don't want to have any kind of argument with her but how can I get out of these meet ups without having to say 'you are dull and I don't want to spend time with you '
I feel so mean but honestly I think I have to do something as Im dreading Saturday.
Suggestions please?

OP, I would agree that you should definitely meet this Saturday anyway, and I know you have said up thread that you will. Maybe try to lighten/ turn the conversation somehow, if she is complaining or being negative?
People do grow apart, friendships change, and sometimes it is best to let things come naturally to an end. But there may be something there still of your old friendship that is worth saving.
Go somewhere that you really like for lunch, and maybe say something like 'let's not think about such-and-such now, let's enjoy the day etc' if the conversation starts to slide into negativity.

What do you talk about that's so exciting?

Maybe she feels the same as you.

Agree with Chipping

Maybe she feels the conversation is struggling so has no option other than to make small talk about loo roll and shopping.

Have you asked yourself what you bring to the buzz in this friendship?

It sounds to me like you bore the pants off each other.

Is anyone else wondering what it is with loo roll you can talk about at length? People don't change them on the loo roll holder, what else?

I often buy value in tesco?

Saffy those are really good points and you are right I don't think she is deliberately rude-as I said more lacking social skills. I agree with someone I see most days I chat about more mundane things but when you don't see someone for a while you would think there would be more exciting things to discuss? Last time we met she had started a new job which I asked lots about but didn't really get a conversation started.
I haven't said anywhere that I want to cut her out altogether-just that I no longer want to do these all day meet ups. It really is not the case at all that I think I'm better than her! I don't see how that conclusion has been arrived at tbh.
Those who asked what I bring to our meet ups, well I always ask lots about her and her life, plus sharing news of my own. She always instigates the next one and is keen for them to happen more often so she must enjoy spending time with me?
As I think I made clear in my OP, I don't want to be unkind at all. But are people really saying that they would continue to spend a whole day of their weekend, plus £40 on trains plus lunch, to do something they didn't enjoy? And afterwards came away feeling criticised/wondering why you bothered?

Perhaps my expectations are too high. I think maybe because im spending x amount and its a whole day together it should be really fun-but its not.
Poster who asked why it wasn't a problem at uni- we had more in common as doing the same course plus we would meet up for shorter periods and there was much much more alcohol involved then

I think I would do this Saturday because it's all planned and paid for. Would either let it drift or change the sort of things you do after that, though. Cinema? gallery? any activity that isn't based around conversation.

You're not going to be able to 'let it drift' - this woman needs you, or 'you' tbf. [I am personally not a great fan of 'letting things drift' - upfront convos are more respectful imo - though I appreciate it's a matter of taste.]

... and you've noticed that it's not you, for you, that she's particularly interested in? Which is boring! You could even call it that she's being lazy - you have to work at friendships/relationships, they don't just fall in your lap. or stay in your lap.

You have a very good excuse - in your head, at least - to cut back on the 'whole day' thing: you have a new baby. You could meet up but less frequently - and I would definitely arrange something to do together, rather than just hanging around for a whole day.

You may have to get up your courage and be straight. She may take offense - likely imo. But you have to get your needs met, too. It's not all about her and her needs iyswim.

I think that's really harsh Chaaanges - sometimes people do grow apart, and in other cases acquaintances never really develop into true friends. It's not usually because one party thinks they're 'better' than the other, it's just life. You're not going to really gel with every person you come across, and even if OP and this friend did gel in the past it's obvious they're growing apart now.

I agree with other posters that I'd do the meet up this Sat, but yes - be a bit more prepared to stand up for yourself - then I would just be busy with the baby etc the next couple of times she asks. I think a natural drift due to understandable reasons, i.e. busy with a baby, work etc is less hurtful than an out and out rejection, but that's just my personal opinion.

Why not go for a night out and cheap hotel rather than a shopping day, it might inject a bit of fun into the time you spend with her. I agree with others though, if she's not being mean you shouldn't cut her out of your life just adapt the things you do together.

OP I have a friend exactly like this. I feel sort of responsible for her as she hardly has any friends. We meet a couple of times a year and email in between. It's hard-going when I see her as she doesn't talk to many people (she is single and doesn't work as she has ongoing health issues) so I have to hear every long story. She is very awkward socially and doesn't seem to pick up conversation cues so for example last time we met she talked for 40 minutes non-stop about the woman in the flat upstairs getting some gardening work done without checking without the other residents then expecting them to pay. (I summed it up in a single sentence!) Then she confronted me about not listening properly! (this was also after walking into my house and turning off the music....)

I tend to think of our meetings as something I have to do as I know she relies on them to an extent. And I know that underneath all the rude direct exterior she means well and is a kind person. I don't think you should stop seeing your friend, but do it as infrequently as you possibly can!

I can sympathise with you OP as I am in a similar situation. I have a male friend who went to live in the US about 12 years ago. He comes home once or twice a year to visit his mother and always wants to meet up a few times with me while he is here. There is no sexual history between us and we have never been nothing more than friends so that isn't the problem. It's just that we don't really have anything in common anymore and after about half an hour of exchanging pleasantries we don't have much to say to each other. I am always said there trying to think of things to talk about which is so wearing after a while. My sister says that I should just ignore his phone calls but I would feel mean doing it so just put up with it seeing as it's only a couple of times a year.

A friend of mine had a similar situation with a friend of hers from Uni. They used to go and stay at each others houses for the weekend. But the friend had quite a superior attitude. e.g. Oh you don't watch soaps do you? etc. and was also just hard work.

Weekends became quite hard work, they were becoming less frequent, but my friend got to the point where she had just had enough of them, and avoided making plans.

They have not fallen out as such but don't really stay in touch any more. I think the friend realised that they didn't really have anything in common any more too, so that helped as she stopped calling so much.

OK..I guess you can't get on with everyone.
I definitely wouldn't keep meeting up with her for long days that seems completely pointless and a waste of time but I thought calling her boring was a bit unkind.
Maybe you just don 't have much in common or have any fun together .

You still don't really seem bothered about trying to understand her. Maybe she's lonely?

As you're clearly not fussed about meeting up with her after this weekend despite the fun and exciting topics of conversation you're presumably bringing to the meet ups, then maybe it's best you stay email pals from this weekend.

YANBU.

Tbh it just sounds like you have grown up and moved on and you have just outgrown her.

It happens so don't beat yourself up about it.

I wouldn't want to spend money on a train ticket for a meet up I was dreading. Obviously you don't want to cancel this one at this late stage but next time be busy with baby stuff and just let it go. I wonder if her heart if really in it as well as it she isn't very engaging maybe she is feeling the same and its become a sense of obligation for both of you.

You know how if you play eg tennis with someone who is good, your game improves? Perhaps play a good game - be yourself, enjoy yourself - and it may up her game iyswim

I always when meeting up with old friends, ones who histories and mine intertwine back through the years, we go for a walk, either up a hill of a stretch of coast path,

It always seems to help, the distractions such as the views are shared, and conversation seems to flow,

I would hate to try and find an old friendship rhythm in the chaos of an urban environment.

even a walk around a NT garden, is more conducive to being able to hear each other.

but there nothing like a good hill , mountain or sea breeze enjoyed together to re find each other.

One thing that strikes me as an old gimmer with teens is that you've recently had a baby, and by the sounds of it, she doesn't have DCs yet.
This is a huge divider for friendships. I almost lost most of my lifelong friends when I had DD1. None of them had children and suddenly they seemed so boring. I had all my new antenatal group friends and suddenly had so much more in common with them - they understood what my life was like, cared about how things were going for me etc. My old friends didn't have a clue and would come out with the most insensitive and crass comments about DD1 and childrearing you could imagine. Suddenly I had this new precious person who was my whole world, and they just didn't get it. I was sat there listening to discussions about the price of teabags and where to put their new twigs and pebbly shit. I got to the point I just couldn't do that too often!

I'm glad now that I put those friendships on the back burner rather than ditching them altogether. Most caught up and had DCs and realised how it had been for me. A couple are still childless and will remain so, but we've grown back together as I've got older and those all consuming baby and toddler days are well behind me.

You will both still have growing and changing to do and you may grow ba k together in future years. In the meantime I'd make the visits much less frequent and keep in touch via facebook and a Christmas card. Then if you feel the same 10 years down the line, nothing lost.

Musical advice is spot on.

It sounds like you may have grown apart a bit, doesn't make either of you bad people, it happens, people change.

How did it go?

I'm wondering how it went too. Did you go?