AIBU to think my DD is making motherhood into.....

[HalfwayHappy]

......a nightmare for herself?

I am worried about my daughter, She is in a happy relationship, with a much wanted baby daughter of 9 mths (and very supportive DH) and could not be a more dedicated mum. So lovely with her DD, despite not sleeping for more than 3 hours at a stretch since her DD was born. But she is starting to look and act as though she is stretched out like a wire. Everything seems to be 'hyper'. She seems to be "performance parenting" all the time, and instead of becoming more relaxed about motherhood, she seems increasingly intense and has said she feels anxiety if DD cries even for a moment. She works one day a week, to 'keep her hand in', has a good social network, with various groups and classes on the go. At least one of her friends is also concerned about her.

I am really beginning to worry about her. I have once seen her in a similar state of nervous energy, when she was cramming for finals, but that was short-lived. This is increasing. My ability to physically help is limited, as my job is full-time, & then some! We are close, and talk about most things, but I am very very reluctant to broach this with her as my stance has always been to tell her she is doing a great job so that she gains in confidence.The last thing I want to do is undermine her when I know she is already stressed. !

So, what do people think? I would really like to hear opinions, because I am not sure if I am asking whether I am worrying stupidly? Or if these are the symptoms of long-term sleep deprivation? Or if I should tell her she is trying harder than she needs to? Or if other mums think this is very normal and I should quit worrying? Or if people think this really is a problem, and how I should tackle it?

PND? Might be worth having a quiet word with her health visitor via her dh.

The lack of sleep is a killer. I think it might be a symptom of that

How did she deal with her anxiety in the past?

Did she or has she since recognized her past anxieties?

As her mum, I would tell her that it's ok to chill out a bit and take some time for herself. When my DS was born I was completely wired and anxious, my mum told me that it was ok to do things for me too and that helped enormously, it was like that hadn't occured to me (!) - having a baby was a shock to the system!

Previously, the stressor has resolved itself so anxiety level has decreased naturally.

I don't think it is PND; we were watching for it carefully because I suffered with first two DC's, though not with DD. She is very bonded with her baby.

Have you tried offering to babysit even for a short while so that she can have a little time to herself and also see that she doesn't have to be all things at all times to her daughter? Sometimes it is the relinquishing of control which is as relaxing as the time away doing something purely adult.

Can you offer to cover some nights? Or take DD out for a long walk one or two mornings in the buggy so she can go back to bed? Is she bf?

The performance parenting may be partly because it's when you're around - I know when very very tired my options are either a) fake it and be very 'up' or b) benign neglect and CBeebies. In front of parents I would always choose (a), but I might not keep it up all day every day.

This is how my Anxiety presents when it's in full swing.

She will be shattered from the lack of sleep and the high energy state the anxiety is putting her in.

She needs to see a GP and talk to them about how she feels when he DD cries/is away from her/is sleeping/when shes in company,whatever her triggers are.

You need to,as gently as possible,tell her you are concerned for her (make it clear its not her parenting you're worried about,but her ) Ask her to talk to a GP.
I honestly thought it was fairly normal to feel the way I did.

I think you sound like a lovely mum. I have two children, I had my first pretty young (22), and was lucky enough to live near to my parents who helped me a lot with things like an hour to go for a walk/ coffee/ whatever when they could.

We waited 12 years for number two, who is now one, and as my dp is now living with me full time (he was still final year student with ds1), I have more day to day support with ds2, but my mum and dad have a really close and special relationship with my first, which is a really happy side effect, and helped when he gained a brother after being an only for 12 years.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

What FRIGGin said.

PND can manifest as anxiety rather than typical "depression", and what you've described sounds rather like I felt for a while - it was never diagnosed and (in my case) probably at the mild end of the scale, but with hindsight there was definitely something "not right", and it was only when it eventually faded away that I could really recognize that I hadn't been my normal self for a while.

I think what FRIGGin said is probably the best way to respond to it too - gently, without anything that could be taken as criticism (if she is already hyper-vigilant), and encouraging her to talk to a sympathetic GP or HV and consider how she is feeling now vs. her previous "normal" state.

Personally, I also found time spent with my mum-friends or family helped me enormously, when I was around them I could relax much more; it was behind closed doors and especially when I was on my own with the DCs that I felt most on edge. But that's not necessarily true for everyone of course.

PS I do feel your title is not that helpful though, I'm sure you didn't mean it that way but saying she is "making" motherhood into a nightmare suggests she has some choice in the matter. But if it IS anxiety, it's not in her control at all and given she would already be on edge trying to do everything "right", could easily be taken as criticism. Again, I know you didn't mean it like that and are just concerned, but I just wanted to mention it as it's the sort of thing I would have been very sensitive to during that time!

"I don't think it is PND; we were watching for it carefully"

so what makes you think you haven't found it? it doesn't look the same in everyone you know.

Thank you for the input everyone.

ImNot & MyName No, I didn't know it could present in this way. Am now much more worried.

The thread title caused me some angst. I mostly used it because I thought people might read it, if phrased that way, but there was also an element of wondering if the parenting style is a current approach (not sure if its called 'performance' or 'high input' or something else?) which is just exhausting for mum. If it is a chosen approach, or just her parenting style, then its not my job to comment. I just don't know, but appreciate the title may make people think I am being judgemental but I am really really not. I am just worried about my DD.

Dojo & Notime I have been babysitting for a while, once DD felt OK about leaving her, and they have been out for a couple of meals and managed one overnight ( not sure if it is relevant that she does say she trusts me totally? - I remember thinking not many people were trustworthy enough to care for my tinies! ) Have also managed some weekend days when her DH has been abroad with work, although she usually only uses the time to catch up on things she wants to get done.

She sounds exactly like I was before I was diagnosed with PND.

Morgause what finally got you to the GP - if you don't mind me asking.

I went to see her about something else - a sore throat. She must have had wonderful instincts because she started to gently ask questions about how things were at home, how DS was etc. I just burst into tears and I thought I would never stop - the damn burst.

She was wonderful. She told the receptionist to direct her remaining appointments to the other doctors and sat and talked with me for ages. She phoned my OH at work to come and fetch me and then talked to both of us together.

She prescribed ADs and put me on the waiting lists for counselling, saying the ADs would help me cope until the counselling came through. Then I saw her weekly for a month until my first counselling appointment and once a month thereafter.

I will never be able to thank her enough for recognising what was going on. It was a long haul but I got there in the end.

On my phone OP so can't copy and paste as I'd like but 2 things in your post stand out to me.

Firstly I think if she hasn't slept more than 3 hours a night for 9 months then this must be a contributing factor. Why isn't the partner doing some nights? 3 hours is seriously not enough to allow her to function properly.

Also your comments re keeping up her confidence and being reluctant to broach the subject. I fully understand where you're coming from and your need to support her. But when I had pnd such comments were frustrating as I would be smiling and thanking you as a first response but inside I'd be screaming 'no I'm not , you don't understand how it is. I don't want to live like this'. When people tried to reassure me it felt as though my feelings were being swept under the carpet and that this was normal so I had to get on with it. I completely disregarded such comments as they were just not true and so were meaningless.

If you are close to your dd then you are the ideal person as you are clearly worried

Thank you for being so open.
We have talked about some of DDs feelings, and no damn has yet burst, but perhaps I will try to push things a little bit. Its just really hard to find a good approach, without sounding critical about what she is doing.
Am not sure if its also relevant that she has always been highly competitive, and needed to come out top in all that she does? could this also relate to parenting?

It is such a relief to talk about this.

Halfway: Why is your DD not sleeping for more than 3 hours?
Is it the baby that still isn't sleeping or does DD herself have a sleep problem?

Is your daughter eating a good diet?
Could you get her some good quality multi vits & minerals - there are some specially formulated for post natal mums.

It is hard being a Mum and watching your grown up DCs struggle.
Best wishes to you all.

Sorry posted too soon

Why not be honest with her and ask her plainly if she is happy and whether she needs some help. Whether its pnd or not , perhaps she does need support. It was my mum who told me I had pnd as I didn't recognise it myself, and I'm grateful she did.

You are a lovely mum.

onetired thank you.

She does sometimes manage 5 hours sleep in a night, but it is always broken. She was ebf, and pumping was destroying any time she did manage to have for herself, so very supportive DH was not able to help. Also, can't go into detail without risk of outing but his job does mean he needs to be 110% alert, so she felt he should not have broken nights.
But she also didn't really trust him to do things 'right' or settle DD properly.
We did talk about this, and she has improved, and learned to let him help more (actually left DD with him for 3 hours last week), but it has been hard for her. It is something (a symptom) which has worried me for a while.

Halfway - I was very competitive as well. I'd never failed at anything and am/was a bit of a perfectionist. That played its part in my PND.

Yes I think competitiveness is a factor, as if you're used to doing well in most things then it's demoralising to find motherhood is not so easy . It's not that failure is a shock exactly, it's more a knee jerk that ' why can't I do this. Everybody else is. Look at that mum over there with her make up on and clean hair and that contented baby, why am I not as good at this as her. I must be really shit, this baby could do with a better mummy'. Pnd makes you not see clearly and not see long term. Saying this too will pass doesn't work if you're so mired in the present you can't see a future.

Time she is hyper about diet. They eat incredibly healthily, and this has extended into how she parents. She spends ages shopping for and cooking for DD. Everything is cooked from scratch, from tiny casseroles to fruit puddings.

Sleep is down to a DD who just does not go through the night. Dreamfeeds, then wakes at least twice before next feed at 4.30/5'ish

onetired I am scared to tackle it. I don't want to alienate her in any way if I seem critical. She does take things I say to heart, but this is a pretty big thing to suggest to someone. And I wasn't sure about what I am seeing.

This really does sound like pnd. Can you gently suggest to your dd that you take her for a chat with her hv or gp?