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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend Christmas with my sister?

67 replies

beepoff · 05/08/2013 21:44

We usually take turns (as I imagine many people do) spending Christmas Day with DH's and my families respectively.

Last year we spent it alone at ours as DS was a few days old.

This year it's DH's family's turn - but my sister, who I haven't seen in 18 months and who has never met DS as she lives abroad, is due to be in the UK and would like to spend Christmas with us all as a family.

AIBU to ignore the turns and thus incur the wrath of MIL?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/08/2013 00:07

Who else does your MIL have? Does she live with her husband yet think she's all alone? (Bitter memories there.)

Why don't you have your sister stay with you as it's such an unusual event, but tell your MIL that you are happy to pay for her/them to stay in a hotel for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day nights? Would that keep her sweet? Alternatively your sister could stay in the hotel those nights.

sameoldIggi · 06/08/2013 00:08

Turns are a bad thing. Don't get sucked in. Now you have your own family, the default position should be that you're at home, then if you visit family it's seen as a bonus, not an expectation.

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2013 00:08

Oh sorry, just realised that you will all be at your mum's for Christmas.

The same question then, who would your MIL be with at Christmas otherwise?

aldiwhore · 06/08/2013 00:16

I would always advise against having solid Christmas routines too soon because as your family grows your needs change. I used to spend every Christmas at home with my 'growing up' family, it was safe, it was wonderful and it just didn't and doesn't fit in with my 'MY family's needs.

There are no expectations. There are always suggestions floating about, but we've developed a rather flexible two week period to celebrate with all the important people, so long as we get together 'at some point' all is good.

I think you're in a great position to set a precedent to how you want your Christmasses to go. You'll find eventually, with no set agendas, you fit into a routine that suits you. It's like medieval crop rotation, one year is my family, one year is DH's, one year is just us and there's a fallow year where we mess up and end up planning nothing much.

For the last 2 years we've had 3 Christmasses (we call these events Fakemass) and I have no complaints.

cacamilis · 06/08/2013 00:32

yanbu spend the day with your sister and make it clear there will be no more "turns".
choose how to spend Christmas how you and dh see fit and don't make excuses.

Xihha · 06/08/2013 01:31

MIL had a strop about Christmas every year, until we decided that Christmas Eve is with my family, Christmas day we stay at home, Boxing day we see FIL and SIL and on the 27th DH and the kids go to MIL's, That way no one gets jealous over Christmas day and the kids get 4 Christmases.

Could you do something similar?

Gruntfuttocks · 06/08/2013 01:45

Christmas is a moveable feast as far as we are concerned and we try to see all the main family members at least once over the Christmas period, but don't get too hung up on which day is which. The kids prefer to be in their own home at Christmas, so we sometimes end up hosting, but it all evens out in the end. Your sister won't just be home for one day will she? Surely you can find a compromise option?

Original poster
beepoff · 06/08/2013 07:20

Not 100% sure but MIL will probably be with PIL, DSil 1 and her family, and DSil 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
beepoff · 06/08/2013 07:20

FIL not PIL!

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Original poster
beepoff · 06/08/2013 07:25

Just to say I don't give two hoots whether it's Xmas day or not, but it's unlikely all family from either side will be together in one place during the festive period aside from the day itself. Unless perhaps we plan it now (hence Christmas in August thread!)

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StanleyLambchop · 06/08/2013 07:35

How did you word your 'at home' Christmas to MIL last year? Was it 'sorry we will be at home this year as DS is tiny, but we will be coming to yours next year, I promise'. Or is it just everyone has assumed that the normal rota will be back in place again this year? I would agree with those who say that you have broken free of the rota, and would try not to get back in it again.

diddl · 06/08/2013 08:09

When your MIL was younger-what did she do for Christmas?

All these MILs "demanding" rotas-did they do it?

We used to alternate, then when we had the children we stayed at home & had "our" family Christmas, & saw parents Christmas Day evening/Boxing Day.

I know that doesn't work when overnights are needed though.

And they travelled to us when the kids were young.

HerculePoirotsTache · 06/08/2013 08:15

If your MIL is a reasonable person, she'll understand. What's happening Boxing Day?

Justforlaughs · 06/08/2013 08:18

We have a set routine at Christmas, everyone comes to me! My ILs come for lunch and my DPs and any other siblings who are around come over later. However, last year all my siblings were in the UK for the first time in 8 years, and it was the first Christmas in 11 years that we had all been together. My house is the only place big enough for us all to have a meal together so we "changed" the rule of law. I was dreading telling my MIL but she was lovely about it. We did still see them in the morning but they left before lunch. I'd take the bull by the horns and explain your dilemma, I find it hard to believe that any reasonable person would object, especially as it's not as if you will be leaving them to have Christmas alone. Have a fantastic Christmas

LokiTheCynicalCat · 06/08/2013 08:34

Whose family did you spend Christmas before DS with? If DH's family, can you say "we took a year out last year due to DS being born, sorry, we are starting again with my family because they haven't seen us either"?

I'm assuming its gone
2011 - inlaws
2012 - baby (when it was supposed to be your family's year)
2013 - inlaws expecting you

If not, well, tell them it's a one-off and you will resume normal service afterwards. Don't act like its a big deal and they won't make a scene even if their feelings are hurt. I feel for them - my own DS was a few weeks old at Christmas last year and I mixed up the arrangements, upsetting BOTH mothers so I know where you're coming from! - but at the end of the day if you didn't see your sister you'd regret it.

girlywhirly · 06/08/2013 09:05

Could you spend part of Christmas day with IL's, then go home for tea and to prepare for an early start and travel to your parents on Boxing day? Surely those of your relatives who haven't seen your DS for a long time would hang on a while to see you all, and you would see your sis as well? If MIL isn't satisfied with this she doesn't deserve to see you next Christmas. I can't be doing with matriarchs who think only they can do the perfect Christmas and take it personally when their family members decide to do something different.

Then plan for next year to do as you wish. It's frankly ridiculous to stick to a rigid routine at Christmas unless it really suits everyone concerned, and there will always be the possibility that things occur to disrupt it such as illness, injury, childbirth, bereavement, moving home, family coming from abroad, extreme weather, having to work etc. It beats me why people make such a big deal of one day, it has to be that day otherwise their whole Christmas is ruined. Personally I favour the 'several Christmas days' approach, with a nice meal and presents on each, especially for children.

HappyAsASandboy · 06/08/2013 09:14

I would make it a priority to break the pattern of alternate years TBH. You broke it last year, with the excuse of your newborn; don't waste that - keep it going!

It always astounds me that MIL and DM get to dictate patterns. We try to mix it up every year according to whatever works best each time. Sometimes people are away visiting other family, sometimes we do Christmas Day on Boxing Day, twice we've had Christmas in February complete with tree, presents, crackers and tinsel. But I don't expect everyone to go to such lengths!. It's just a day, and your parents and parents in law are adults. They should be able to have a low key Christmas at home and then another Christmas whenever you can all be together :)

FriskyHenderson · 06/08/2013 09:22

You've broken the pattern now, well done. Keep them all on their toes by starting a new trend of random Christmas locations. Tis the best way.

BiscuitDunker · 06/08/2013 09:46

I'd go and spend the day with your family if its such a rare occassion,your MIL will get over it,its only once.

I'm curious to know what the pattern was,whos parents would you of gone to last year if you hadn't of had tiny ds? Yours or his? Either way you can use that as your excuse for going to your parents this year as you can either say "well it was my parents turn last time but obviously we didn't go but we're sticking to the 'rota' as if last xmas didn't happen,if we went to yours (dp dms) then its like you've had your go twice in a row so its only fair that we see my family this xmas and you next xmas and so on" or if it was the other way round then you can just say "well it was technically your turn last year,yes we didn't go becauee I'd just given birth,but the rota still means its my families turn this year.sorry"

Failing that,now that you have a child of your own you can use it as the perfect excuse to get out of the whole 'rota' thing all together and just make your minds up on what you want to do by taking each year as it comes :)

Personally me and my dh and our dd have spent every single christmas since dd was born,and since we got together infact,at my parents and seen his mum either on xmas eve or boxing day. Purely because DH is 1 of 6kids and I'm one of 2 so christmas day is waaaay too manic at his mums with the youngest kids all hyped up on the excitment-and arguing constantly about who's game/dvd is going to be played on the tv first/next and how long for...so we're better off out if it and having a much calmer day at my parents where dd is very much the centre of attention and won't have to listen to shouting all day or risk being hit by a present of some description being thrown across the living room in a fit of anger!

Luckily my mil is very understanding and has never once asked us to spend christmas day at hers mostly because she knows its hell on earth and given the option she wouldn't choose to be there on the day either as proven last year when she stayed in bed for most of it just to avoid all the shouting and drama from the kids downstairs,as long as she gets to see us either the day before or the day after she's perfectly happy :)

jojane · 06/08/2013 09:48

We have consciously not gotten into a rota, we do something different each year, since having kids we did
Xmas at MIL and new year at mine
Stayed home with FIL who lives near us
Xmas with my family and stayed at my NANs
Xmas at home but spent the day at DHs best friends parents with best friend and siblings (and an African refugee family who's father had been killed)
Xmas at MIL but everyone chipped in for us to stay in a holiday apartment round the corner
Xmas at home and my sister and nephew stayed with us
Xmas at home just us.

Not sure what we will be doing this year but nobody expects anything so we are free to decide to do whatever we want

Original poster
beepoff · 06/08/2013 12:40

Actually we should have gone to PILs last year but we didn't make any plans because we weren't sure if DS would arrive by Christmas Day, and I didn't fancy a few hours' journey in the car to a house in the middle of nowhere the countryside either 9 and a half months pregnant or with a brand new baby. As it was I got home the day before Christmas Eve.

I would love to be able to spend Christmas Day across both sets of family but that would mean most of the day in the car!

TBH I'm just fed up of the schlep across the country to see everyone in just a few days full stop. It's not relaxing at all! Think I might try to take longer this year. X

OP posts:
Original poster
beepoff · 06/08/2013 12:41

Sorry just to say thanks for the whole breaking the rota thing, it's very appealing...

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Scrounger · 06/08/2013 12:56

We did the rota thing, we now have three children and I want to break it. I don't find Christmas with my ILs that enjoyable, in fairness DH finds it hard work but that is partly because the children are so young. I find it more relaxing at home. We still see ILs the two / three days before Christmas and straight away after Christmas so it isn't that they don't see them over that period. The actual day itself is seen as vey important and it has settled into an expectation.

Break the rota thing, see your sister and don't drive everywhere it turns the whole period into a chore when it should be enjoyable.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 06/08/2013 13:00

We ditched the Christmas rota a few years ago and it was a true blessing! Now we tend to see family Xmas Eve and Boxing Day and do whatever we fancy on Xmas day.

sameoldIggi · 06/08/2013 13:14

Rita's are fine till you have dcs. Then not so good. Give it a few years and your dcs will be keen to spend the day itself playing with whatever Santa brought them. Fortunately my family agree with me on this (though it does mean them coming to us some years!)

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