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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving work to be a SAHM

32 replies

coraltoes · 05/08/2013 12:33

Ok, i need help. BIG TIME.
I work full time at a senior role in the city, with a great salary (not boasting, just to give idea of what i will be leaving). It dawned on me recently that i do not need to work. ie: DH earns enough to maintain our family happilly, and i could stay home and bring up DC. I would possibly have to indulge in less treats but it wouldnt be a big financial burden on the family if that makes sense.

When i think about DD future I dont want her to look back at her childhood and see a string of childcare professionals taking her to school, minding her in holidays etc. and i doubt on my deathbed i'll say "i wish i had worked more and seen DD less" BUT will i resent giving up my career? Are there any good blogs out there about the realities of being a stay at home mum? How do others make the decision whether to take the leap? What does your day involve if you are a SAHM to school aged children?

this is not me belittling or anything at all...i really really need to get a picture of what life would be like, and so far i just imagine a great big fat question mark! help pls!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2013 12:37

Uggh Mummy blogs? I'd give them a miss.

Only you know if you'll resent giving up your career.

Think about what will happen when your kids are grown up...or if you split with your DH.

Beastofburden · 05/08/2013 12:38

I made a similar transition- first I gave up a senior role at KPMG to be a SAHM for 7 years, back to work PT in the City for 5 years, then I moved out of the City altogether to do a job locally while they grew up.

Dont rule out the good old British compromise- dump the Cityballs job by all means, have a few years at home, and then get a nice local job that uses your skills, where people are pleased to get you for less than a city salary and more than happy for you to have a school hours contract or other form of flexibility.

There is no need to give up your career. You have years of work ahead of you. Do a little smart planning so you are well-positioned to work locally as and when you are ready, and you can have the time at home with your kids without putting all your eggs into one basket.

Original poster

coraltoes · 05/08/2013 12:42

fair enough Worra, never seen one so wondered whethered decent place for ideas.

Beast, i live in central london, so not sure same applies re: local jobs, but agree i can do something else later down the line. good shout. feels so all or nothing at the moment.

OP posts:

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 12:42

Have you thought about teaching? I loved being a SAHM when my children were younger and it made me consider stopping work altogether - which was not really an option. So I went into teaching, 12 weeks a year to be at home with the children with no distractions, weekends mostly free and at least once a week I am home for 4pm.

Original poster

coraltoes · 05/08/2013 12:45

Arisbottle, yes i have. my degree is in something i could easily teach (with some refresher work!) and wonder whether that is something i would embark on after a few years at home.
What level do you teach at? was it quite straightforward to retrain?

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 05/08/2013 12:48

Coraltoes, I work for a University. Excellent place to get a secure job where you are well-treated - they havent got the money to pay megabucks but they still need a load of legal and financial advice. London is full of Universities. Equally, in central London you can probably work for a financial services firm or similar from home/PT. But once you are looking at schools, you may want to move from central London anyway....

Its never all or nothing, you have decades left before retirement. Keep your parachute oiled, as they say- perhaps you can arrange to edit a journal, or write for a professional blog, in your field?

Or you could do what i did which is unfashionable but I liked it: damn all professionally for seven years, and then go back to your former employer and beg :).

DS is 21 now, and the people around me at work probably never give a thought to the fact that I am older than them and have adult kids, my career is back on track thuogh completely different.

I never got as rich as my old colleagues though :(

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 12:51

I teach secondary, I was a teach first trainee but your could just do a straight PGCE which is just a year.

mamij · 05/08/2013 12:56

Worked in Westminster before having DDs and now on a career break. I have never resented being a SAHM as I love being with my DDs. Of course there are bad days and days when you wish you could have a break, but overall I'm glad to have made the decision not to work.

primallass · 05/08/2013 12:58

This exactly. Could you do some p/t consultancy? I missed having something else so I freelance and (try to) fit it around the kids.

Original poster

coraltoes · 05/08/2013 12:58

mamij.... do you have a plan for later down the line or are you just going with the flow? I have pretty much decided to take the leap (next aug) just need to get my head in the same place as my heart!

OP posts:

DameDeepRedBetty · 05/08/2013 13:00

It sounds like you and your DH can afford for you to do this. So do it. (Fully paid up member of the Stopped WOH until youngest at primary society here)

neolara · 05/08/2013 13:00

I've been at home for 9 years and my dcs are 9, 6 and 3. I had a very interesting job before kids but I was sure that I wanted to stay at home with my dcs. I think it probably helped that my career was based around child development / education so "children" was something I was interested in anyway.

I've had a ball. I've met lots of fantastically interesting people and made great friends. In the early days the rhythm of my life was dictated by which baby group to go to and by naps and feeds. However, as they have got older, it's now determined by school and nursery drop offs and pick ups. Cafe's also feature heavily. If I didn't have my network of friends around, most of whom work part time, I would probably go bonkers as I need adult company to keep me sane.

I have now however, come to the point where if I have to go to another baby group and sing baa baa black sheep I would probably self-combust. Last year my youngest started very part time nursery and that was (literally) the first time I had been by myself for 8 years. It was bloody fantastic and has left space in my life for other things. I've started to do a very little bit of work and I've become very involved with the school. I'm chair of govs, which is like working a 2 / 3 day week (but I just have to do it with a 3 year old in tow).

Being a SAHM of school age kids can give you the freedom to explore all sorts of options that you probably wouldn't have time for if you work. It makes things like kids being ill easier to cope with. You would probably have to find something that you like doing for yourself as otherwise you might go a little bit potty - making the change from defining yourself by your job title to defining yourself a different way can be challenging. And it helps if you have a dh who is truly supportive of what you are doing. Luckily, mine has been fantastic, but this is not always the case and can cause issues in relationships.

ExtremeCouponQueen · 05/08/2013 13:06

How long would you consider being a SAHM for? It it have to be an all or nothing situation? For example, could you not be a SAHM for the next 2-3 years until your children are a bit older and you don't feel like you've missed out on the years when they're little, and then go back to your level of role in the city?

Original poster

coraltoes · 05/08/2013 13:29

extreme, thats what i need to consider. So DD is in childcare now, and loves it. But when she starts pre-school she then has about 20 weeks holiday per year until she is 15+. How on earth i could accommodate this in my city job i have no idea. So while i could say stay home for 3 yrs, i would just be delaying the issue of what to do re: school breaks, school hours etc.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 05/08/2013 13:32

Exactly coraltoes. Plus the school day ends at 3pm. Plus they get ill. Plus... All of which can be managed with a flexible job and a short commute, in my experience. To do it with a City job means au pairs or nannies for a long time.

Original poster

coraltoes · 05/08/2013 14:05

precisely that beastofburden. I dont have a long commute (20 mins) but the hours mean i would miss on so much, and i think i just reached a stage where i dont feel willing to do that... especially if i can afford not to. It is a lucky position to be in, and one i think i'd be crazy to pass up.

OP posts:

yop · 05/08/2013 14:08

Are you sure that your DH wouldn't prefer you to keep working and earning and for him to be a SAHD? Have you asked him? He might be posting on Dadsnet right now saying 'can't wait to leave the ballbreaking job to stay at home looking after DC - thank goodness OP earns a fortune'.

Gruntfuttocks · 05/08/2013 14:11

I gave up a professional career in favour of my kids. I won't lie to you, I found it tough giving up the money / status / career potential and I felt very jealous of my husband who carried on. I look at my (grown up, successful) kids now and think that I am so glad I did this for them. I know for sure that they would not have had the opportunities they have had if I hadn't been there to help them through everything. I still regret my old career, but I've made a new one in another area entirely - based on one of my old hobbies.. Life goes on, and you may well feel torn at times, but it's the right thing to do if you can afford it IMO.

Fairylea · 05/08/2013 14:15

Well I gave up a very senior position in marketing to be a sahm with a dh earning just above minimum wage! (He enjoys working, I didn't).

I don't regret it AT ALL.

Yes there are days when I feel like tearing my hair out with stress or boredom (because dc are often boring as lovely as they are) but I still prefer being at home than working - no office politics, wear what I want, eat whatever I like, make cakes all day if I want to, I'm not cooped up inside blah blah.

Mostly of course I feel it's benefited both dc to have me home, conversely enough more the older one to listen to her friendship woes and ensure she has a taxi service available!

Occasionally I get a weak yearning for some adult company but then I have mumsnet for that. :)

We don't miss my salary. You learn to budget differently and I'm not spending the small fortune I was on work clothes just to keep up with the Jones's!

LePetitPrince · 05/08/2013 14:16

In recent weeks, I've met three women who gave up professional jobs to stay at home. None regret it but can't get back on flexible hours and are at a loss what to do while the kids are at school.

Could you try to go part-time where you are?

Alternatively you could try a two week holiday where you stay at home without day trips/holidays to see how you like it. Some women find the minutae of life at home quite boring. Some love it and it's probably good to work out which you are before making the switch.

supergreenuk · 05/08/2013 14:16

Does your company have an option for a career break? Where I worked you could have an unpaid year off and were able to go back to the same position or a similar position on return. Just a thought to see if its for you.

HKat · 05/08/2013 14:32

Your post really hit home for me, I'm in identical situation - well, kind of. I too a.m in a well paid job and a.m struggling with the stress and commitment this requires, weighed up against the fact I don't get to spend hardly any time with my 14mo dd and I miss her so much. Whilst my dp has a good job we can't afford for me not to work at all. Part time is a possible option but I know my job and I know it would just be a case of same shit, even less time to do it in and less money.

For a fairly limited time (say about two, maybe three years)the option is there to do the same job but as a contractor. I could pick my hours (say two days a week)and get more time with dd whilst saving a fortune by dropping nursery three days a week. And the stresses that come with 'full time' wouldn't be there (can't explain why without outing myself though!). BUT. I would of course be giving up an employment contract with no guarantee of getting it back when contracting runs out. I'm not sure I will want it back (though I know I'll want to do something when she starts school)but I certainly (probably)wouldn't get another shot at a job like this again. Meh.

So no advice really, but feeling your pain! Good luck to you whatever decision you make.

Dackyduddles · 05/08/2013 14:37

I left city too. 3yrs ago. Dunno how I had time to work. Days very full. It's like anything, it's what you make it. I have days I'm wondering if work best but I never felt defined by my role anyway. (Hr) now it would have to be interesting to get me to return. Opportunities still crop up that doesn't stop because your not in an office.

For now I'd rather be home. I feel I'm doing it right for my/our family. We are comfortable with our decisions. When we aren't we will change them. It's hard but I'm glad I did it.

Redlocks30 · 05/08/2013 14:40

How does your DH feel?

MillionPramMiles · 05/08/2013 14:56

Not to be unduly negative but how do you feel about losing your financial independance? Do you have sufficient savings of your own? If your marriage broke down would DH continue to provide for you (separately from providing for the children) or would you need to start working again?
If an alternative, more flexible career is always viable, even if you've had a lengthy career break, then you've less to lose by quitting work now. You could give it a try for a year or two?

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