To ask if anyone knows who, or how, to help my sister?

[helpformysisterplease]

She is 28. I don't see her very often as live overseas. However we speak a lot on the phone and email.

She has always been chubby but over the past year or so this has got really bad. She eats more than I have ever seen anyone eat. Literally, stuffs her face with food. She'll have a full breakfast, hot cooked lunch, and a whole pizza for dinner. Plus crumpets, crisps, chocolate throughout the day.

She is not the easiest person and has some anger issues, problems with drink, etc. She can become very aggressive so people are scared to approach her about anything.

When I saw her this summer she had ballooned even further. I almost burst into tears when I saw her. She is not curvy, or overweight, she is now obese. She must be about a size 22. She admitted about a year ago she'd been weighed at the gp and was 14 stone (she's only about 5.1) so must be more than that now.

She has brief moments where she'll admit there is a problem then will somehow convince herself that it's in hand - she'll cut out drink, or dairy, or squeeze herself into a size 14 dress, and tell herself that it's all fine now. She'll also regularly tell us she's lost loads of weight, then when we see her she hasn't. She has got rid of all the mirrors in her house so she doesn't have to face up to her own image.

I want to help her so much. It is horrible to see her like this. She has never had a real boyfriend. She is very unhappy and takes ADs. But she has absolutely no will power or self control , lives alone, and there is no way she will stick to any sort of diet or exercise plan - we (parents and I) have tried everything - paying for gyms (she goes for a week or so) and exercise equipment, talking to her about healthy eating, encouraging her - never works. This isn't meant to sound patronising to her but I think she almost needs to go and live in a boot camp for 4 weeks as it's the only way she'll lose weight. I also think if she did lose the weight and saw that she could do it and saw how nice it feels to be slim she would keep it off.

I am so frightened for her. I read an article yesterday about the dangers of obesity - I don't want to lose her to a stroke or heart attack or cancer before she's 40! Please don't think I am controlling, I just really want her to help her, she is not happy like this.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Or recommendations? She lives in London.

You can not help her, she has to want to help herself and admit there is a problem.

I wish I knew - my sister is similar - especially since to got married - she's gone from a 6 to at least a 22 and we have a genetic form of heart disease - it worries me a lot but she wont discuss it

ADs can cause weight gain.

When I was put on my new ones my doctors suggested I attend the weight management program once my ADs have settled.

Might it be worth seeing if your sisters doctor has anything similar in place?

I think she did half heartedly go to something through her GP Szeli, it was local weight watchers, but she only went once.

How about trying to help her with her depression and the reasons she is unhappy, rather than trying to fix the weight, which is a symptom, not the real problem? Have you asked her what you can do to help? Expressed concern that she is unhappy? Would it matter to you if she was very overweight, but happy?

Also, bear in mind that your sister might have an Eating Disorder, in which case, well meaning focus on the weight, ands things like weight watchers, won't help. Beat (the eating disorders charity) might be able to give you some advice, they have an excellent website and helpline. If this is the case, then living in London is a good thing as there are specialist treatment facilities there.

Have you had a heart to heart with her where you tell her how worried you are about her?

We have talked to her as much as we can, but she gets very angry as she doesn't want to face up to how overweight she is. None of us are overweight in the family so she understandably feels defensive, however I presume if any of us ate as much as she did we would be overweight too!

I don't think the eating is a symptom of being unhappy, I think she just loves food and has no mechanism to stop herself from eating it, but deep down is very lonely and wants to meet someone and be slim. We have spent her whole life trying to figure out her issues and help her, it is very tiring, but we are her family and if we don't help her nobody will!

I will have a look at Beat's website, thank you!

I think you should back off tbh. You think she's lonely and single because she's fat? Bollocks. You also don't think she has disordered eating, just likes her food. Fine. So if she's unhappy then try to help her with what she's unhappy with - it doesn't sound like her weight is the problem at all. The more you criticise her weight the more you will push her away, whereas if you try to focus on the real issues you might get somewhere.

We have spent her whole life trying to figure out her issues

She's an adult. How about stop trying to figure her out?

Sorry Ehric, if you have nothing helpful to say, don't say anything at all. You don't know our family, and by backing off she will just continue to gain weight and end up keeling over from a heart attack.

We do not criticise her weight, we do not dare. We only bring it up when she does. We are as sensitive as it is possible to be. But she is eating herself into an early grave,and is utterly miserable, so we need to try to help her, surely?

We have to try to help her, as she is so miserable it infringes on all our lives. She calls one of us daily and emails us constantly to talk about how depressed she is. She ruins family occasions with her angry outbursts. She is totally unhappy, so of course we need to try to figure it out, for our own sakes as well as hers!

Agree with baba. I would forget talking to her about weight and instead focus on making her feel good about herself, improving her self-esteem and making her feel like you are on her side.

You say the eating isn't a symptom of unhappiness but that she is very lonely. If eating makes her happy then she is going to use it to fill the hole left by her sadness, which is only going to get bigger.

People often find it hard to address their issues when they are in that state. Help her break the cycle by giving her something else to think about. Take food, exercise, clothes sizes out of the equation and do some normal, fun stuff together (but whatever you do don't tell her to cheer up!)

She needs to change herself, but she clearly isn't in the right frame of mind to do that. Take the pressure off and once she is ready she may just surprise you.

Maybe I've made it sound like we pressurise her. We don't, honestly! We have offered help when she's asked for it, but otherwise would not risk mentioning it to her.

I agree that she eats also because she is lonely, again, when she has talked to us about being lonely we have suggested a million ways to get out and meet people. Honestly, we have tried every suggestion. She doesn't want to help herself. But that approach is just making her problems worse and worse. I hear what people are saying about leaving it but I know for a fact she will just get fatter and iller if we do!

Second those saying your approach is wrong.

I have been to a size 24, clearly because I like my food and am sad lonely because of it not really I ate through depression/boredom and am happily married but you don't seem to want to hear that.

You need to listen, to understand, to be her sister, to make her life better maybe go out, have fun.

DON'T make everything about her weight and her "problems" she sees herself as the problem of her family, she probably has zero self confidence. The only way I can control my weight is when I am in control of my moods and feel confident. And even then I am happy with being a 16, that feels natural and perfect for me so if your standards are high (squeeze a 14 ffs) she's never going to do good enough for your family.

I realise that your post is entirely about your sisters weight so is skewed towards that - but I do wonder if you can be honest with yourself if its like that in real life.

Stop mentioning it. Focus on who she is, enjoy her company. Stop buying her gym membership, it's horribly interfering.

My sister is 21 stone, a size 28, and the same height as your sister - she is now 39. I also very rarely see her but we get on brilliantly and talk on the phone a lot.

When I saw her last time she had recently joined slimming world and lost 2 stone and more importantly she had given up smoking. She's doing brilliantly.

She has to do it for herself, when she's ready.

If I were you I wouldn't talk about it and instead just enjoy her company. The last time I saw my sis we only talked about it because she said I looked really well - I've been doing 5:2. Only then did she say she'd started slimming world.

we have suggested a million ways to get out and meet people. Honestly, we have tried every suggestion. She doesn't want to help herself.

If she is depressed then offering her lots of solutions probably won't help. It will always feel to her that you are telling her what you would do in her situation and she will just feel worse that she isn't able to do that.

I agree that she needs to get there herself without feeling like she is the problem of the family. Just talk to her and praise (sincerely) anything about her that you admire.

She doesn't want to help herself

Sadly, I think you've answered your own question.

I think I'll leave this now - I don't seem to be communicating the issues properly as some of you are condemning me as a control freak or interfering when that is so, so far from the case. It's not helpful to me or my sister.

We bought her gym membership because she asked us to btw. We only ever mention her weight when SHE brings it up, the rest of the time we all have to sit there and pretend when she says she is a size 12-14. Laurie, perhaps you had different reasons for overeating, but that was your situation, not my sister's. I came on here hoping for practical advice, as I am desperate to help her, but some of you just want to lash out at me and tell me to butt out when I have made it clear that as far as she's concerned that is what we try to do unless she asks for our help.

We do so much for her, and put up with so much from her, and many families would have walked away from her, in fact my eldest brother has as he cannot take any more of her aggression and abuse. She occupies a huge amount of our worries and thoughts. I will look elsewhere for advice where people actually want to offer some rather than slag me off!

Ummm... do you take advice as well as she does?

Seriously, she sounds really depressed and the overeating is most likely a symptom of that (as well as partly a cause).

Am overweight, and the most irritating thing is family trying to 'help'... Agree with others re trying to have a normal relationship with her...

Bits of this could be about me. I'm 5ft1 and size 22 :( I hate the way I look, but whenever someone in my family starts talking about it I get defensive. That could be because my dad's family are all big too, so I think they are hypocrites, and my mum always sounds like shes nagging or having a go, even though shes probably not.

I have also had depression on and off for years, and find that I can concentrate on being a good mum, keeping the house tidy, and having some kind of social life (mainly church and the school gate) but that's my limit. When I've tried to diet, something else slips.

I've been to the drs, my new practice nurse is a bitch frankly and refuses to do anything other than tell me to eat less. The old one was going to refer me for weight loss services to help.

Can one of you go to the gym with her? Encourage her, rather than just tell her she should go?

I can't see that op is being difficult.

help you are willing to take on other ideas for your sister aren't you?

I got that from your initial post.

Just me?

I don't think you sound like you have done anything wrong but are just in a really tricky situation and are trying to help where you can.

To me it sounds like an eating disorder not just liking food, Compulsive Overeating Disorder is a serious illness but people put it down to being greedy, whereas Anorexia Nervosa is seen as a tragic illness. I know it must be hard to see it as a disorder sounds so much worse than just liking her food and being difficult.

If she is openly talking to you about her depression then I would focus on talking about that with her and tackling finding a professional (or persuading her to see her GP etc.) to talk about those issues and then hopefully she will feel as though she can talk about her issues with food knowing it has to remain confidential. She may feel embarrassed about how she looks and that talking about it to someone she cares about makes them somehow see it more. I have had issues with food since I was 14 and am sometimes very skinny and sometimes very overweight and know this is how I felt (although have never had anything along the lines of compulsive overeating disorder, but severe restriction and then suddenly eating normally and gaining a huge amount that way), I didn't want to draw attention to how disgusting I was and if I could properly articulate this to anyone it wouldn't be someone I knew as I felt so ashamed of myself and didn't want people I loved to feel the same.

The other issue I had personally which she may also have is that as I was overweight I became scared to use my gym membership as I was so scared that people would laugh at me, so she may be struggling to find the confidence to change. I'm sure you already do, but try to build her confidence, just give her little compliments here and there as it sounds as though she is so down about how she looks that she can't break the cycle of depression and disordered eating. Obviously don't go overboard as she will think you are only saying things to make her feel better.

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try to give you my advice as to what I would do and it was quite long!

It's a really difficult one. Your sister does sound profoundly depressed and that's the issue that needs to be addressed first. Nagging at her, however gently, won't work. Sounds as though food (and alcohol?) is her main comfort and who wants to give up something that makes them feel, albeit temporarily, good? I have experience of this - my late mother was grossly obese. Back in the 1980s, her GP wrangled for her to go into a special ward of the local hospital where she'd be on a special low calorie but very nutritious diet, be taught exercise, have counselling etc. etc. ... imagine what this cost the NHS! For the few weeks before she was admitted, she went absolutely crazy with eating - huge meals of fry ups and chips with everything ... when us, her children, suggested this wasn't the best idea, her response was 'Oh, it doesn't matter - the hospital will get it all off me ...'!

Needless to say, what with the extra stone or so she put on immediately prior to hospital admittance, the end result was not great - a few pounds lost and we found out later, she'd been ordering sneaky takeaways while in hospital!

As others have said here, some battles you can't win. Unless your sister wants to help herself, nothing will change. But I really think addressing her depression, with the correct psychtherapy, drug regime if necessary, might give her a chance.

You have my sympathy - I know how frustrating it is, from my own experience with my mother.

Hope OP comes back just to check on who else posts- In your shoes I would take her with you on a family holiday. Something not blatantly healthy, but with a few activities involved. Camping would be perfect, or something by the sea. Get some fresh air and sunlight into her and listen to her plans for the future.

I am sure that you have already done a good job giving her all the information she needs about her weight. Phase two might be to let her see what she could achieve, not only by dealing with her weight, but also by dealing with her other issues. A holiday is not a magic wand, but it gives her the chance to spend some unstressed time with you, with enough lazy time for some talking about what she wants from life.

It may be that she asks for help with something not directly related to weight- career or friendship issues. Deliver her some help on these, and you may find she is more able to take charge of her weight, or more interetsed in your thoughts on how to do it.